Many, many thanks for all the great reviews again. I'm sure I don't deserve most of them, but I'll take them anyway. Sorry about the delay in updating and thanks for being patient. I finally got enough time to put together a chapter and I hope I didn't do it in too big a hurry and mess it up. Let me know if I did and I'll try to redeem myself.

Vonknibble - Thanks for the offer on the medical stuff. I may take you up on the offer for help. I love the medical stuff and think it adds to the realism, but I don't know enough to do much effectively (which is my I'm so hopelessly hooked on Cummulative Effects).

Espiritu -Glad you took the hint on cardiac arrest and I hope to see the next chapter soon (how long have we been in cardiac arrest now? They are going to declare time of death on me any minute).

Emrysl - What can I say? I laughed so hard I cried. My family thought I was having some kind of fit and almost had me hauled off. Talk about getting pumped up. I flew around the room for several minutes. Thanks (blushing).

Drakcir - My lips are sealed - you'll have to wait and see. I am considering making a run for it, however.

Chapter 9

Nick set the cup of coffee on the edge of the desk Kelly was sitting at, working on updating reports by the light of a lamp. The infirmary was basically dark, except for this little corner. "You take cream, right?"

She looked at the coffee and then up at Nick. "Dr. Strauhan...thank you. I'm not used to having the doctor wait on me."

"No problem. You looked busy and, if you're like me, I thought you could use it. How's our patient?" he asked, sipping from his cup.

"Quiet up until a few minutes ago. He's starting to get pretty restless. I think he may be dreaming...he's been mumbling in his sleep a little."

Nick set his cup on the edge of the desk. "Keep an eye on that, would you? I'll check him." He grinned and winked at her.

"Yeah, because we have so many coffee thefts in the middle of the night." She rolled her eyes and looked back down at her report. Nick began walking toward Sheppard's bed, noting that the major did seem restless.

Sheppard suddenly sat upright and yelled out in pain, grabbing his right leg and hugging it to his chest. Nick covered the ground to his bed in record time. "Major? Tell me what's wrong."

"Leg...leg hurts," he managed between his clenched jaws. Nick ran his hand along the major's calf muscle, where he seemed to be grabbing. He could feel the muscle knotted up into a tight clump.

"Lay back and relax, John. I've got it." Kelly was there by that time and she began pushing the major back onto the bed, pulling his hands away from his leg. Nick began massaging the muscle, trying to work out the clamping tightness.

"I can't...I can't do this again." Sheppard moaned.

Nick quickly realized what Sheppard thought was happening and moved to quell his fears. "No, major. It's just a charlie horse in your calf muscle. It'll pass in a minute. It's not the poison again. Give it a second and it will be gone. Your muscles have been traumatized by the whole experience, and it's going to take a while to recover. You may have a few muscle cramps during your recovery, but they should pass quickly. Is that any better?"

Nick had been working on the muscle the whole time he was talking. Sheppard had finally stopped fighting him and calmed down, with Kelly's help.

Sheppard still seemed to be uncomfortable, but replied, "Yeah, thanks,...that's better. Not so tight..."

He watched Sheppard closely, noting he looked pale and was covered with a thin film of sweat. His respirations were up, as was his blood pressure and pulse. "Dreaming?"

Sheppard hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah...just a little...nightmare."

"I'll get you something to help you get back to sleep." Nick noted to himself that the major didn't argue.

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Elizabeth walked up to the foot of Sheppard's bed. After a couple of seconds, he opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Hi!"

"Hi, yourself. I didn't wake you did I?" she asked.

"No, I was just resting my eyes. I'm not really sleepy any more. All I've done is sleep for the past four days."

"Well, you had a lot of sleep to catch up on. Mind if I sit with you a few minutes?"

"No. If you have time." Sheppard's expression remained neutral, as if he didn't care one way or the other. Weir didn't know whether to be insulted or worried. This was definitely not like the major.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she took her seat next to his bed.

"I'm fine. I wish everyone would quit asking me that." He stared sullenly at the foot of the bed.

Elizabeth wasn't sure what to say. "John, we're just worried about you. I guess we need you to tell us you're okay instead of just hearing it from Carson. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what? I spent the better part of ten days in more pain that I ever thought imagineable. Surely hell itself couldn't be any worse." He looked at her, his eyes reflecting the anguish that he felt as he remembered the torture. "I can never do that again, Elizabeth. And I mean never."

"You won't have to John. We'll..."

"Can you guarantee that? Have you caught the person who poisoned me yet? You realize that once I leave the infirmary, I'm walking around with a target on my back. I will not go through that again! Would you like to know to what lengths I'm willling to go to? At some point during the second blast from Hades, I opened my eyes to see someone...Ford I think, maybe, ...anyway, I was eyeball to eyeball with their gun." He watched her expression as what he was saying began to sink in. He needed her to understand, at least on some level, how desperate he was to never have to face that kind of pain again. "I tried to reach for the gun, but I didn't have the strength. It was the only way I could see to end the pain...and I was willing to do anything."

Elizabeth's voice caught in her throat and she found she couldn't respond. She didn't know what to say. She thought she had known the man before her and that he would never consider taking his own life under any circumstances. To realize that he was willing to do just that frightened her to her very core. She knew Sheppard had endured a lot of pain since coming to Atlantis, but he had never given up before. She shuddered to think how bad it must have been.

"Maybe...maybe you should talk to Kate," she suggested. She couldn't read the expression on his face as he stared at her, but she knew it wasn't good. "Or...maybe not."

"She can't help me, Elizabeth. No one can." He stared at the foot of the bed.

Now Elizabeth was getting angry as well as scared. "Now you listen to me, John Sheppard. I'm not going to say I know how you feel or anything patronizing like that. But I am going to say that you are not a quitter. You have people who care for you here. Did you know members of your team took turns sitting with you and talking with you so you wouldn't be alone. They didn't have to ...no one even asked them to. They wanted to. You are important to us...you are important to me!" That got his attention. He swiveled his head around to look at her. "You're going to get through this. We'll help you if you'll just let us. And we are going to figure out who did this. We didn't give up on you...now you don't give up on us."

John sat silently for several minutes, contemplating what Elizabeth had said. A slight tremor ran through his left hand and he self-consciously grabbed and rubbed it with his right hand. Elizabeth flinched, wondering when these constant little reminders of his ordeal would end. "I just need some time," he said softly. She reached out and put her hand on his right hand, still rubbing the left, and squeezed.

"Just remember, we're here when you need us and you can lean on us if you need to. We won't think less of you if you ask for help."

"I know...I just...I've never been one to ask for help. I feel like I need to do things for myself."

"I know. I think we've all figured that out about you. Especially Carson." She was relieved to see him smile, even if it was small.

"Yeah...that kind of keeps me in trouble." He looked up into her eyes. He really wanted to believe that they could help, because he was becoming more afraid he couldn't handle this one alone. Maybe all he needed was to realize he didn't have to handle it alone in order to be able to do it. He wished he could shake the fear that seemed to grip him from inside. Sometimes he felt like it would squeeze the life out of him. But he couldn't bring himself to admit that fear to anyone...at least not yet. So he put on his best brave smile and flashed it at Elizabeth.

"Hey, how ya doing?" asked McKay, strolling across the room. "Hey, Elizabeth. Is he behaving himself? Not chasing the nurses too bad, I hope." He smiled down at Sheppard, who quietly ignored him.

"He's been the model patient...which, quite frankly, has us all a bit worried."

"Maybe Carson finally has him trained. He's probably threatened him with a voodoo curse or something," said McKay.

"And who would ya be talking about?" asked Carson, walking up behind McKay. "Voodoo curse. Honestly. Ya know I save those for you, Rodney." Beckett grinned mischievously while Rodney seemed to consider that possibility. Beckett's expression became more serious as he walked closer to Sheppard's bed. "Ya know I can throw him out if he's bothering you." He winked, but standing in front of McKay, only Sheppard and Weir could see him.

Sheppard just looked up at him, expressionless. "He's not bothering me."

Beckett really sobered up now. "Okay, Rodney can stay. Major, how about if I do something to cheer you up?"

"Like what?" His tone of voice was still deadpan, but his brow had raised in interest.

Beckett laid the bundle he had been carrying on Sheppard's lap. "Scrubs."

Sheppard didn't buy it. "What about all this stuff?" he asked, motioning towards the monitor and IV line.

"Well," said Beckett. "You've been doin' well the last couple of days. I think it's about time we get rid of those. Now that the muscle cramps and tremors have almost gone, it's time we got you up and started building your strength up. I thought you might be more comfortable in scrubs than a gown."

Sheppard fingered the edge of the clothing and chewed briefly on his lower lip. "Can I take a shower? I'd love a hot shower."

Beckett hesitated. "I'm not sure if you're strong enough. Maybe...if you'd let someone be right there with you...to help you if you get tired."

McKay piped up. "I could do that. You know...just hang around outside where you could yell if you needed me."

Sheppard looked unsure. "Guys...I didn't really want an audience. I just need...a really hot shower. I need to feel clean and unwind a few muscles."

"Well, it's not like I'm going to watch. No offense major, but you're not my type. I prefer my women to be...women. Besides...you're too skinny."

They all waited, certain that McKay's words would have to spur Sheppard to respond. They were somewhat disappointed when Sheppard just sighed tiredly and replied, "Fine, McKay. You're hired." He didn't seem to notice the three exchanging worried looks at the missed opportunity.

Weir took her cue. "Well, gentlemen, I'll leave it with you. I doubt I'll be needed for the upcoming activities." Once again, they all half expected a comeback from the major...but got nothing. "I'll see you later John." As she walked past Rodney, she whispered, "Good luck."

It only took Beckett a few minutes to unhook Sheppard from the heart monitor and the remaining IV line. Sheppard watched in seeming indifference. "Major, is there something you need to tell me? You're awfully quiet."

Sheppard shook his head. "No doc, just tired...maybe a little cranky." Sheppard tried a small smile, but it wasn't very convincing.

"All right then. Let's see if we can get you up. Rodney, when we get his feet on the ground, I'll need you to take his other arm. He's going to be very weak and it'll take him a minute or two to get his legs going. Okay, major, let's try to turn you around."

He helped Sheppard get turned so that his legs hung off the side of the bed. Each man took hold of an arm and then Beckett nodded to Sheppard. "When you're ready, son."

"Let's go, then." Sheppard began struggling to his feet, his two friends supporting him as they practically lifted him up. His legs began folding up as soon as he put weight on them. Beckett and McKay were ready and shouldered his weight, holding him up. They were both suprised at how light he was. Looking at the slender form, McKay realized he had lost quite a bit of weight over the last two weeks. He glanced at Beckett, who was giving him a look that said he already knew.

After a couple of minutes, Sheppard had gotten his walking legs under him and was supporting his own weight. He pushed the helping hands away. "Okay, I got it. I can walk by myself." He slowly made his way to the bathroom. McKay followed behind, carrying the scrubs. He started to make a retort about the view from the back, but didn't have the heart. Sheppard would probably just ignore him. He was missing the old Sheppard about now...and wondering about the chances of getting him back.

Sheppard set the water temperature as hot as he could take it. The water felt so good on his sore, aching muscles. He thought he could feel them unwinding a bit. It would be so easy just to stand in the hot spray for a while.

"Major, are you okay?"

"I'm fine McKay. Just give me a few minutes."

Sheppard closed his eyes and let the hot water wash across his face. It seemed like only a minute or two later when McKay called to him again. "Major?"

"McKay, give it a rest! I'm just taking a shower! I don't need you to be my mother." He was just so tired.

"Well, major, perhaps you didn't notice, but you are so weak you can barely stand up and I've been assigned the task of getting you safely in and out of the shower. If you would say something...or at least grunt ever once in a while, I wouldn't have to keep asking you if you are okay. You know, you might think about someone else..."

The water shut off and suddenly it seemed like McKay was shouting. A hand snaked out of the shower and McKay placed a towel in it. "Oh...sorry. Let me know if you need anything."

Sheppard stepped out of the shower with the towel wrapped around him and McKay turned around and pretended to study the markings on the wall by the door. He heard Sheppard starting to pant tiredly behind him and was starting to get worried when Sheppard called him.

"McKay?" He turned around to see a very pale, very tired looking Sheppard sitting down. He had gotten his pants on, but the top was sitting in his lap. Without a word, McKay picked up the shirt and helped Sheppard put it on. Sheppard looked up at him, his eyelids beginning to droop.

"Thanks," he said softly, breathing a little too hard for the amount of exertion that should have been.

"No problem. Let's get you back to bed." Sheppard nodded and McKay helped him up. They slowly made their way toward the bed, with McKay noticing that Sheppard leaned on him more and more. By the time they were halfway back to the bed, McKay was supporting most of Sheppard's weight. McKay was beginning to huff and puff and get worried when Beckett saw them struggling and came to the rescue. He quickly moved to Sheppard's other side and took half the weight off McKay. The two of them easily got Sheppard back to bed. McKay noticed that someone had changed the bedding while they were gone. They barely got the major laid back down and covered up before he closed his eyes.

"Carson?" asked McKay, looking concerned.

"He's okay. He's just weak. His body has been through quite a trauma and it'll take him a while to recover. It took almost two weeks to get him into this shape. It'll take at least that long, and probably longer, for him to get his strength back. Just give him time."

McKay nodded. He could do that. He just hoped the major remembered that he was not a patient man.

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Teyla, McKay, and Ford sat around a table in the mess hall, eating their lunch. "I'm just saying," said Ford, "that he seems too quiet. He's...different...distant. He just seems kind of detached, like he's not really feeling anything any more. I think there's something wrong."

McKay nodded. "You know, you're right. I've noticed that too. I insult him and he just ignores me. It's quite boring, actually. I miss the old Sheppard and we need to find a way to get him back." He peered at Ford's plate. "Are you going to eat that?" Ford just pushed the plate toward him and shook his head. McKay began scraping the uneaten food into his own plate.

Teyla raised one eyebrow as she watched the exchange. "Do you not think that the major just needs some time to heal? He has been through some trying and painful times recently."

McKay paused and looked thoughtful. "How much time do you think he needs?"

"Dr. McKay?" They looked up to see Kavanagh standing beside the table. "I was just wondering how Major Sheppard was? I've heard he's doing much better."

McKay looked annoyed and glanced back down at his food to avoid eye contact with the scientist. "Dr. Kavanagh...I guess I'm suprised to ...see you." (What he had wanted to say was suprised you care enough to ask, but he thought better of it at the last minute). "The major is doing...well. I think he'll be released in the next couple of days."

"That really is good to hear. I'm glad it worked out well and I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. Well, excuse me and I'll let you get back to your meal." Kavanagh smiled and walked out of the mess hall.

McKay stared after Kavanagh long after he was gone. Teyla noticed. "Is there something wrong, Dr. McKay?"

"I don't know. Why was he asking? We all know he doesn't even like the major. What's he up to?" McKay was starting to get a really bad feeling.

Kavanagh walked down the corridor, excited with the news of the major's recovery and impending release. He'd thought of another question he wanted answered, but there was no way to get to Sheppard in the infirmary. They had someone watching him twenty-four seven. He could wait another day or two for the third and last phase of his experiment.

TBC

I'm telling you - I really can't help it. It's a compulsion. I'll try to get the next chapter out tomorrow (no promises).