Yeah, I jumped on the episode 23 "what-really-happened-that-night" bandwagon. Only because of this: I have never loved a couple more than I've loved Milly and Wolfwood. I always thought that a priest with such a heavy cross to bear (no pun intended)caring for such a child-like woman was the most beautiful relationship "evah."
I used part of a song by an artist called Jem. If you know about her, then you know why I love this song so much.
Implied sex, some language, and SPOILERS!
Disclaimer: Don't own Trigun; don't own "Stay Now" yadda, yadda...
Key:
"Speaking"
Thinking
Lyrics
----------Scene/POV change-----------
Eden. Sometimes the word rolls off my tongue with perfect eloquence. Other times, it suffocates me, burning my throat like bile.
Here I am in this dark room: Pain in my head, 26th cigarette in my mouth and the blood of Zazie the Beast on my hands.
((AN: I actually did try to count the number of cigs in Wolfwood's ashtray in that scene. I got about 25, not counting the one in his mouth, so...y'know. That's how obsessed I am.))
A child's blood can't be washed off. It's bound to my skin, sluicing away any feeling I may have.
"Mr. Priest?"
...Right on time. Here comes the only thing that seems to keep me from insanity.
Milly Thompson.
Daylight comes, daylight comes
And you've gotta go...
When there's no reply, I open the door.
...He had shaken me so much by killing that boy and hitting Vash (but I have no reason to reprimand him over that; after all, I've done the same).
"Oh, good; I was hoping I'd find you here!"
Since the other day, I hadn't been entirely sure what to say to Mr. Wolfwood. He has really changed since our time in Demislad. Even so, in the time he'd been away I came to like him.
...Miss him.
...Love him.
Jeez, what reasonable female wouldn't? He's the tall, dark and handsome guy that young girls fantasize about. And he has to have some killer muscles to carry that enormous cross around with one arm.
But, now I'm letting my girlish whims get the better of me.
I also love him because he trusts me. He flirts with me, he's patient with me--at least, more than Meryl is-- and he seems to open up to me more than anyone. He's such a loving person deep down, he doesn't even realize it.
So, call it a crush if you like. It's kind of nice feeling my chest thump when he smiles in my direction.
Breaks my heart, breaks my heart
To have to watch you go...
She's holding a blue-gray paper bag and smiling like there isn't a care in the world.
For once, it bothers me to look at her. Not even really a hurt, like yesterday, it just...bugs the hell outta me.
"I thought you might be hungry, so Meryl and I made you sandwiches and I'd be very happy if you'd eat them. Oh, yeah, and you take your coffee black, right?"
Yes, I do, but that's beyond the point.
She goes into my room, where the coffee maker is.
...Keeping her hands busy.
...Eluding the problem.
Or is she really so naïve, she had forgotten?
No way. I know her as well as the other Insurance girl; she remembers it as clear as day.
'I know her as well as the other Insurance Girl...'
"Why haven't you said anything?" I ask, slamming my cigarette into the diminutive space left in the ashtray.
"Anything?" she chirps from the other room.
"About the kid I killed the other day!" I didn't mean to raise my voice.
"Oh." There is a brief silence. "Oh, I just don't know what to say. I'm so confused..."
Well. Join the club. We can't all have clear minds.
"...because what you said was right--and what Mr. Vash said was true, too." The stillness is longer this time. "...I don't like it when people have to die."
"What would you have done?" C'mon, Big Girl. Give me something, anything.
"...I don't know, really."
Anything but that. "THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Looks like Chapel the Evergreen's doctrines are finally starting to sink in. "I don't understand him. Even in such an impossible situation, he keeps saying that nobody had to die. How can he believe that?"
Staring pensively at the floor, memorizing each knot and line in thewooden floorboards,I suddenly feel steam against my cheek. I turn to see Milly holding a coffee mug in front of her, smiling with the most compassion anyone's ever shown me.
...I don't deserve her.
Wish I knew, wish I knew
When you'll be back again...
"That's the way Mr. Vash has always been. I know because I've watched him for a long time."
I pause, hoping I don't sound like a stalker. "He's lived by that rule his whole life; it's very important to him."
I hope he understands I'm trying to ease him. That Vash has his own state of mind and Mr. Wolfwood can have his own, too.
"I've lived my life very differently from him and I guess I have to accept that."
Yes! That's what I'm looking for!
"I was supposed to guide him...I was ordered to protect him...it was my job to be there for him."
Should he be telling me this? I think. I nod to indicate I'm listening as I empty the overflowing ashtray hastily.
My big brother Jack once told me idle hands are the Devil's workshop. But I guess, being a priest, Mr. Wolfwood already knows that.
"But the mission, the obligation...it doesn't matter anymore. I honestly wanted to save him, even if it meant killing a child. I actually wanted to save him."
Him? Is he talking about Mr. Vash? My mind is interrupted by the strain in his voice...
"I had no alternative; I had to choose one or the other!" Then I hear a small, barely audible...sob? Mr. Wolfwood is crying?
"It's so strange...where did I go wrong; I...I've always chosen the right path...haven't I?"
I've abandoned the ashtray by now.
However long, it's just too long
Until we meet again...
Oh, Christ...what am I doing! I haven't cried since I was a kid. I haven't seen or heard Milly. She must have left me to wallow in self-pity, I think.
..Then, her arms quickly wrap around my head, holding fast. I feel my cheek roughly grate against her yellow coat.
I place my free hand--my right one still covering my face--on her lower back, draping it around to keep her from moving away. The white coffee mug clatters across the floor, leaving a trail of dark brown in its path.
Taking a deep breath, I finally turn my head up to meet her eyes. Chestnut hair cascades past her shoulders and gently falls against my face, which is warm from crying.
"Thank you...You're so kind." Come to think of it, why is she so kind to me?
And why does it hurt me so much?
For all this time, our relationship has been pretty light. Mostly friendshippy with a lot of excessive flirting; but I've always wondered what she thought of me. Could this childlike, yet strangely wise, woman...ever have feelings for me?
One of her pale hands comes out and carefully brushes at my tears, as if I might break. "You need your strength. Please eat the sandwiches." Is she insisting...or begging?
Whatever the case, I know that as soon as I agree, she'll leave.
...I can't let her. I want her to stay.
...I need her.
Stay now, stay now
Just a little more...
"Will you please...eat them with me?"
Eating sandwiches with Nicholas D. Wolfwood...not a bad fantasy, right? At the time, I don't think about that. I just know that he's in pain, and he wants me to stay with him. And that's enough for me.
My lips brush against his forehead softly. "Of course..."
I release his head to go get the sandwiches. When I turn around, he's moved to the edge of his bed wiping his face on his sleeve.
"You're hurting so much, Mr. Priest...To be honest, I don't know how my staying will help," I say without realizing it.
He looks up at me. His eyes are so wide and red. "I don't want to be alone. You just...put my mind at ease, Big Girl..." as I unbutton my coat, he digs a hand into the bag of sandwiches and absently pulls one out, "...You're the only one who can."
Oh, gosh. My face is heating up. I turn away briefly.
'Cause this love, this love
Is what living's for...
I didn't just say that...did I? Staying still, I see her undoing what looks like her tie.
I hope to God she isn't stripping again. I look down at my sandwich, just in case.
Suddenly she pauses. "Wolfwood...you've always been so patient with me. I...I feel like I've known you forever."
She's never called me anything but, "Mr. Priest," or "Mr. Wolfwood."
"I...I guess what I'm trying to say is...thanks," she says, sitting down next to me on the bed and grabbing a sandwich for herself. Her tie is slack around her neck, her suspenders are gone and she's undone the top two buttons on her white shirt. I look down and see she's removed her shoes and socks as well. She definitely looks more comfortable now; it's a good look for her.
We eat in silence for about twenty minutes. She's probably wondering why I want her to stay when nothing's happening.
I just like having her with me. She's almost like a flower, laden with dew: delicate and... beautiful...
Where the hell are you going with this, Nick? It's just sandwiches!
"So, tell me honestly: why did you want me to stay?"
'Did?' She's leaving already! I peer inside the bag; we had eaten about half the sandwiches.
I look up, and sure enough, she's readjusting her tie and reaching for her coat.
Before I can control myself, my hand lashes out and I grab her arm. She lets out a small gasp and her coat puddles at her feet.
"...It's not that simple, Milly."
"Why, Mr. Wolfwood?"
"Because I need you."
Stay now...
Something about his words stuns me on the spot.
He...needs me? The Priest who carries a cross-shaped gun needs me, a stungun toting, pudding obsessed Insurance Girl?
"I'm, uh...sorry. That was very hasty. Do you think you could at least...stay with me for tonight?" he amends, noticing that both suns have disappeared.
I try to hold a blush back. A night alone with Wolfwood...oh, the temptation. No, that's dirty, dirty, dirty!
"Sure. I don't see the harm in that." So, I start working my tie loose again. He leaves for the sitting room so I can change.
Hide in bed, sheets over head
Blocking out the sun...
She shuts the door so she can strip down to what would be appropriate sleepwear. I have to shove my hands deep into my pockets to resist opening it again.
I let my jacket slide onto the floor and unbutton the remaining buttons on my white undershirt, letting that follow suit. That should be enough.
"Okay, Mr. Wolfwood!" she calls from the other side.
"Um..."
"What's wrong?"
"I, um...I'll take the couch if you want the bed..."
"Nope, nope! I insist you sleep with me!"
I don't think my face has ever been a deeper red. By the way she said it, she obviously doesn't mean it in the context I think she means it. But, that girl always has the capacity to surprise me.
Still, it's what she wants. So, I cautiously open the door...and blood proceeds to drip from my nose. The woman is standing in front of me wearing just her bra and panties.
Her pink bra and panties. I never would've pegged Milly as a "pink" person. Moreover, why the hell did she wear all that loose-fitting stuff?
"M- -Muh--Muh--Milly...that's, uh, um..." I cannot formulate an articulate sentence to save my sorry ass.
"Mr. Priest...Are you having naughty thoughts?" she asks roguishly, edging my portable confession out from under the bed with her foot.
"Um..." I look in the other direction, "...you shouldn't wear so little."
She puts on a fake pout. "Aw, Mr. Wolfwood...I lived with ten siblings; I haven't got anything you know I don't have. And you don't have anything I don't know about." She adds that last part with a wink.
So...like I said, she always succeeds in startling me.
Feel like we are marooned at sea
Away from everyone...
I've always wanted to mess with the poor guy's head, and what better way than to be half-naked with him in a double bed? ((AN: Hey, that rhymes!))
He's lying next to me, with his face towards the opposite wall. His back is to me.
But, I think he's just embarrassed.
This is what I always hoped would happen to us, but it's so...
I don't even know. It sounds strange, but I want him to touch me.
I tenderly outline a thin scar on his back. "Wolfwood...how did..."
"A bike accident when I was just a teenager. I was turning a corner and I veered off a street. Broke about four ribs and cut my back on some rocks," he says, turning up to the ceiling.
"That must have been painful..." I can't resist; I drape my arm across his torso.
He finally reacts. His arms flies up to mine as his fingers trace mine absently. I'm so busy staring at his fingers that I don't notice his other arm on the small of my back; at least, until he pulls me to him so our hips are touching.
"Humans are fascinating creatures, Milly..." he murmurs into my hair.
"Hmm..." I respond quietly.
"When we get hurt, new skin covers it, as if it never happened..."
"I've seen Mr. Vash's scars...it's hard to believe someone can have so many..." I say, thinking back to when Meryl was writing her routine report.
"Well, the poor guy's been through hell...I guess he adjusts," he says, letting his fingers move from my fingers to my entire hand...to my arm...
The next thing I know, his head is pressed against my chest and he sighs. "You could have walked away from me...why didn't you?"
And I...
I hate to say goodbye...
It's an absurd question, but it flies out of my mouth before I can control it.
"When? When could I have walked away?" she asks.
"Any time. When I wouldn't help Moore and Julius; when I killed Zazie...when I started to cry, you could have just left." I could probably go on.
"...If I did that, would you be sad?" Touché, Big Girl.
I don't say anything; I just nod into her collarbone. I notice how close my chin is to her breasts, and I feel a tint of red spread across my cheeks.
"Well, I'd be sad if I walked away from you. I'd never do such a mean thing," she replies.
Mean thing...what a Milly-esque thing to say... "You'd never leave me, would you?" I ask, no longer wondering what kind of spell she has over me.
"Not for...anything..." her response is delayed somewhat in surprise. My fingers are rippling across her china-doll face.
She's out of my reach. I can't take her. I can feel her.
And I...
Want you to touch me one more time...
I can only sit in his arms as his hand slowly moves up and down my arm, stroking it like he would a small cat. He then slips his hand underneath my arm to trace my figure. I tremble a bit, but let him touch me.
"Milly...has anyone ever told you..." he cups my chin and turns my face to his, "...how lovely you are?"
Gee...I've gotten cute and pretty...and I think a bartender once called me and Meryl innocent-looking...but never lovely...
"Um...no, I don't believe I have," I say.
His left eyebrow tweaks in what appears to be surprise. "That's strange..." his thumb traces circles just below my collarbone, "...because you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen..."
The next thing I know, I'm kissing him. His lips are soft and he returns the kiss. He doesn't taste like cigarettes, as I've thought before. It was more of a minty taste. As his mouth opens over mine and he gradually pushes me back, I draw away slowly. His face remains blank.
"I...I'm sorry," I say dumbly.
"Milly, will you do something for me?"
"Absolutely."
"I'm going to be out by the time you wake up tomorrow. Will you wait in this room until I return?"
"Of course I will, Wolfwood."
"Promise me."
"I promise."
Stay now, stay now
Just a little more...
Her immediate obedience never ceases to amaze me. It's like if I say, "sing," she says, "Name the tune."
If I say, "kiss me," she says, "where?"
...Stop right there, Priest. Why did she kiss me?
Not like the question reflects her performance; that was the best (chaste) kiss I've had in a while.
But...could that kiss have shown how she feels for me?
"Wolfwood...how long will I have to wait for you?"
I stiffen slightly. Did she figure it out? "...I...don't know."
'Cause this love, this love
Is what living's for...
I know what that means. It means that his chances of coming back are slim. I force the bitter tears back and look him straight in the eyes.
His eyes. His captivating grey-blue eyes; hiding his secrets from me. I want to tell him.
I have to tell him.
I sit up, stare deeper into his eyes. I don't want to...forget...
Stay now, stay now
Just a little more...
I'm still in a slight daze fromMilly's kiss, so it takes me a second to register the tight embrace that she's pulled me into. I gasp a little, not expecting it.
God, she smells good. Almost like honey, with a floral sort of tinge. I inhale deeply, determined to memorize every single detail of her.
I return the hug; she wants comfort from me. Until I hear her whisper:
"Wolfwood, I...I love you. When I'm with you, nothing else matters. I can't worry about anything else. I love you so much..."
For once, God has answered my prayers, but in the most twisted way. The woman I love--more than words could ever hope to express--loves me back.
But...what do I say? Tell her how I feel the same and leave her with a broken heart to nurse? Or simply say that it could never be...
...because I know that by this time tomorrow, Milly Thompson will spend the rest of her life in love with a ghost?
My mind wrestles with itself, bringing on a headache more painful than the worst hangover.
Tell her!
I can't!
You know you should.
Any other day, yes!
If she loves you, she'll understand.
But...the consequences would be--
To Hell with the consequences!
It's not that simple!
She feels exactly the same as you do. Exactly the same!
That's right. She said she stops worrying about everything else when we're together. For once, my brain is 100 right.
But...when a man and a woman are both half-naked and confess their feelings for each other...things tend to escalate. I can easily admit to myself that I'm attracted to her in that way, but it only makes it more painful.
Because I don't know if she feels the same. I look into her eyes--her crystal blues brimming with unshed tears--and I almost feel like crying myself. She loves me. She loves me.
I realize how long we've just been sitting, and take a slow deep breath.
Could I tell her? Could we ever...?
This could be going too far. I want her too much.
Here goes everything.
'Cause this love, this love
Is what living's for...
"Milly...I love you, too. It's been torture for me not to just shout it out. I was so afraid that you would turn me away after what I did. I'm grateful that's not true. But I should have never asked you to stay with me..."
My mind scans furiously over everything he's just said. My first inner reaction is absolute elation: he loves me back! I don't think I've ever been happier.
My second reaction is confusion. He said 'I should have never asked you to stay with me.' Loving me and being with me are almost the same, right?
"Why shouldn't I stay with you? I wouldn't want to be anywhere else..." I ask, my tears that threatened to fall no longer present.
The look on his face almost rips me to shreds. He looks...terrified? He's scared of something. What could he be scared of?
"Because..." he pauses, cradling my face in between his warm, calloused hands, "...I don't know what I'll do next..."
It clicks in my head. He's afraid of himself. He doesn't want to take advantage of me.
I've always been taught by my family that sex (that is what Nick seems to be afraid will happen) should be saved for your husband, someone you love.
Well...I love Nicholas D. Wolfwood. It doesn't matter that I'm not married to him...
Nothing like that matters anymore.
Stay now...
In an instant, Milly lunged at him, kissing him fervently. For a moment, he didn't react, unsure of what to do next. But as her tongue licked his bottom lip, pleading for him to kiss her back, he replied with gratitude.
When they both couldn't breathe, she pulled away, panting heavily. "Something...like that?"
The priest looked at her, then laughed a little. "Something like that, yes."
Both of them were propped up on their knees, staring into each other's faces. He could almost see his reflection in her clear blue eyes, catching the light from the moons outside. He was still unsure of what he might do if Milly stayed with him too much longer, but it was pushed to the back of his mind a little after her earth-shattering kiss.
"Wolfwood, since we're...making promises tonight..." Milly finally said, after what felt like an eternity of silence. She licked her lips, almost in uncertainty, "...Will you do something...for me?"
"Anything." Wolfwood knew he wouldn't deny her whatever her big heart may have desired on this night.
She pressed herself tight against him and whispered into his ear, "Make love to me."
He had to admit, he was surprised to hear such a request from Milly Thompson. Growing up so sheltered by ten brothers and sisters, he was positive she had been told numerous times about this kind of thing.
"Milly...you know that if we do, you could--" he was silenced by a smooth finger on his lips.
"I don't care. Whatever could happen, as long as it's with you, I don't care," she replied, her voice breaking.
He looked at her face and saw the tears threatening to escape as his resistance slowly crumbled. He nodded wordlessly and pushed her back on the bed.
As he planted hot kisses all over her body, she slowly worked at the clasp to her pink bra. She eventually slid free of it, and the remainder of their clothes soon followed.
The rest of the night moved forth with little delay. They both harbored a small fear of beingfound out by Meryl(after all, it was an abandoned town...), but their fears melted away as they found each other that night.
Milly didn't think she would ever forget the feeling of him inside her. She felt like she was finally complete; as if she had been nothing but a hollow fraction of herself for the 22 years of her life.
She knew Wolfwood felt the same without even asking him. She had felt the pain and he held her close, whispering that it would be okay. She escalated with him an fell back to earth with him, holding his hand the entire time.
They lay together afterwards, letting the film of sweat over their brows cool as the moons slowly vanished.
"Nick...I don't want you to leave me..." she said quietly. His surname wouldn't be an appropriate gesture; he wasn't her peer or his superior.
For the short night they had left, he was her lover.
Wolfwood looked down at her, discreetly swiping away a tear on his unshaven cheek. "Honey...I'm sorry; I can't." He saw the defeated look on her face, and came to a horrid realization. "You...you know I might not come back, don't you?"
She nodded, sniffing a little. Instinctively, he pulled her closer and parted her damp bangs, kissing the flesh beneath them. "If I can't return...I would never be able to forgive myself if you got hurt. The best thing you can do for me is...live."
He rocked her gently. Milly smiled just a little and fell asleep in his arms, praying as hard as she could that tomorrow would never come.
Stay now...
Stay now...
So, what did you think? Lovely and cupcake-worthy? Or god-awful and rotting banana-worthy? Be gentle, please. No flames.