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Chapter 14

"When do you think he'll wake up?" McKay was watching Beckett check on Sheppard and adjust the IV. Sheppard was breathing on his own, but was still hooked up to the heart monitor. Beckett said it was just a precaution. The bandaging that wrapped around the top of his head was smaller now and not quite so frightening.

Beckett sighed. "Rodney, I've already told you, there's no way to know. He'll wake up when he wakes up."

"But he's been asleep for four days. He's been off the ventilator for almost three days. Shouldn't he be waking up by now? It's brain damage, isn't it? I knew it. He's got brain damage and you're just not telling us..."

"Rodney! Shut up, man. I'm not aware of any brain damage. He's been through three rounds with an ancient poison and a serious head injury to boot. It's goin' to take him some time to heal."

"You didn't say NO brain damage."

"What?" Carson looked confused.

McKay, on the other hand, looked scared. "You didn't say that he didn't have brain damage. You just said you weren't aware of any. Does that mean he might have some?"

Beckett looked a little like a deer caught in headlights. "I...I can't be absolutely sure until the swelling goes down and I've had a chance to talk to him, but I really don't expect there to be any problems. The brain contusion...er, bruise, is healing nicely and the swelling is almost gone. I honestly don't think there is any, but I just can't guarantee that yet."

McKay seemed relieved. "Okay. Okay, that's good." He looked at Sheppard's relatively still form. "At least most of the tremors have stopped. I just want him to wake up so I can talk to him. I want him to tell me he's okay."

Beckett placed his hand on McKay's shoulder. "I know ya do. He'll wake up soon. Just give him some time."

The voices began to filter in slowly. The pain was gone...well, the intense pain was gone. Left in its wake was a washed out, trembling, aching pain. He could feel gentle tremors and spasms, almost a cross between itching and tickling, flowing through him. He felt like an old, dirty rag that had been wrung out completely and thrown in a pile on the floor. An incredible emptiness washed through him and he didn't know why. He flet like weeping, but he didn't have the energy. The fire in his head had dimished somewhat, but was still there. He began to try to make sense of the voices. They seemed garbled and far away. He suddenly realized that he didn't care about the voices. He wanted to go back to the darkness. He could hide in the darkness and the pain couldn't find him.

"Major?" Beckett stepped over to Sheppard, peering carefully at his face.

McKay stood up immediately. "Carson, what's wrong? Is he waking up?"

"Aye, I think he is. Major, can you hear me? I know you're awake, lad...open yer eyes." Getting no response, Beckett gently shook his shoulder. "Major, you can't sleep forever. You might as well open yer eyes."

Sheppard finally began fluttering his eyelids, attemping to get them open. He groaned slightly as he shifted positions in bed. Once his eyes were open, he looked straight up to the ceiling.

"Hey, sleepy head. I was beginning to think we needed to find a princess to give you a kiss and wake you up." joked McKay, smiling broadly. Sheppard blinked a couple of times and shifted his head to see McKay, grimacing as he did. He slowly raised his hand and fingered the bandage around his head. His face was expressionless, so it was impossible to tell if he was suprised or not. "Thirsty?" McKay reached for the cup of ice chips he had been keeping handy. There were still a few unmelted ones. He fished one out and slid it into Sheppard's mouth. The major closed his eyes as the ice chip melted and the cool liquid slid down his throat.

"Major?" Sheppard slowly opened his eyes again, looking almost like the effort to do so was painful, and looked at Beckett. He was more careful about moving his head this time. "Major, do you rememer what happened?"

Both men looked expectantly at Sheppard, waiting on a response. Sheppard just went back to staring at the ceiling. McKay and Beckett looked nervously at one another.

"Major, can you hear what I'm saying? Major!" Sheppard looked briefly at the doctor, then turned his back to him as he rolled on his side and turned his face into the pillow, pulling the blanket up to his chin. He closed his eyes, effectively shutting them out and searched for the quiet darkness.

McKay looked at Beckett in confusion. Beckett motioned for him to follow and then led the way to his office. Once inside, McKay began pacing nervously around the office. "Carson, what was that? I thought you said you didn't think there was brain damage. I don't think he even knows who we are. What are you going to do?"

"Calm down, Rodney. It's not brain damage and he knows who we are. It's not physical. You have to remember what he's been through. It's not unusual for trauma patients to withdraw. He's just trying to cope with everything...let's give him some time. We owe him that much."

McKay watched Carson's sad expression carefully. "What else, Carson. What else is going on?"

Beckett rubbed his eyes and shook his head. "I just can't help but wonder...especially considering his reaction just now...Oh, I hope not..."

"Carson, you're not making any sense. You wonder about what."

He sat there staring at his desk a minute before answering. "I can't help but wonder...the days on the respirator when we had him in restraints...the days he was moving around so much...I'm starting to wonder how aware he was. Maybe I should have tried sedating him...maybe we could have given him something...I was just so sure it would kill him."

"Carson...you read Kavanagh's report on his computer. There's nothing you could have given him that wouldn't have caused more problems. You did what you could do. Besides, you don't even know that he was aware of things." Mckay paused a moment. He waved toward where Sheppard's bed was. "This isn't a good sign, is it?"

Beckett shook his head. "Not a good sign at all."

That night, Weir looked up from the paperwork on her desk to see Carson Beckett standing in the door. "Carson, come in. Is everything okay?"

Beckett stepped into the office and sat in one of the chairs. "What are you doing working so late?"

"I've dug myself a hole and I'm trying to get out." She grinned. "I've let a bunch of stuff slide lately and I'm trying to get caught up. What can I do for you? Is it Major Sheppard?" The smile had dissolved into a look of concern.

"We...may have a slight problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"Major Sheppard woke up this afternoon..."

Weir looked suprised. "Why didn't you call me?"

Beckett looked down at his hands. "Elizabeth...he's been in and out of consciousness all afternoon...and he hasn't spoken a word."

She looked confused. "What do mean he hasn't spoken a word? Has he not been lucid enough...or is there a problem with speaking...what?"

"I hope it's only temporary. He's...detached. He seems to understand what's happening and I think he knows who we are...he just doesn't seem to care. I think it's a psychological reaction to the trauma. He may work his way out of this in a few days."

"What if he doesn't? How long could this last?"

"It'll last until he's ready to deal with all that's happened, however long that takes. There's no time limit on this, Elizabeth, and he's going to need help. That's going to be the hard part. The major is very reluctant to accept help, even when he needs it."

Elizabeth nodded. "Boy, that's the truth. What can we do?"

"Be there for him to talk to. Encourage him, without pushing. We need to show him that we have solved the problem and it will not be happening again. He needs to know that we are watching out for him. Reassure him that you care."

"Carson...what about...I mean do you think he might..." Weir was struggling to find the words, but Beckett knew what she was asking.

"...kill himself?"

Her face flushed red and she looked down. She didn't want to ask but she needed to know. She nodded.

"Well, I'm no psychiatrist and we should probably get Kate in to talk to him, but I think that was a panic reaction to what was happening. I think it was an isolated incident that won't happen again. But...just to be safe, we'll be keeping a close eye on him for a few days."

Weir looked haunted. "Carson...I knew what he was going to do before he did it."

Beckett leaned forward in his seat. "What are ya tellin' me Elizabeth?"

She sighed heavily. "He told me...that during the second attack...when the pain was really bad, that he opened his eyes and Ford was standing near him. He tried to go for his gun because that was the only thing he could do to stop the pain. Thank goodness he didn't have the strength to get it. And then in the conference room, he looked at me after the shaking started...and I knew what he was going to do."

"Well, that's it then. He already had the thought planted in his head that the only way to keep from suffering that pain was a bullet. In his fear and panic, that's what he went for. I don't think he'll try it again, especially considering Kavanagh's in custody."

"Could I come by and see him?" She looked hopeful.

"It's getting late...maybe just for a minute. But let's go now. He still needs rest and, from the looks of it, so do you."

They walked quietly to the infirmary, each wishing they could somehow go back in time and stop the whole thing from happening. The infirmary was relatively dark when they arrived. Nick and Kelly were reviewing some charts by lamp light. Nick stood up when he saw them approaching.

"Hello, Dr. Weir. I take it you've come to look in on our star patient. I'm pretty sure he's asleep...at least he was the last time I checked on him."

"Maybe I could just take a peek. I won't disturb him if he's sleeping."

Nick looked at Beckett. "Your call."

Beckett nodded. "Why don't we all have a look?" All three headed to Sheppard's bed. They could hear the rustling of sheets and the squeaking of the bed before they even got there. Beckett picked up the pace a bit. They had set up a couple of privacy curtains for Sheppard, so they couldn't see him until they were almost there. He was thrashing around and mumbling, his hair and scrubs wet with sweat and clinging to him. About the time Beckett reached his side, he sat up, gasping for air as he tried to catch his breath.

"Major?" He touched Sheppard on the arm, but the major flinched and pulled away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you all right son? Can you breathe okay?"

Sheppard sat panting for a minute, slowly bringing his breathing under control. He never made eye contact with anyone, but silently stared at bed in front of him. He looked down at his hands resting in his lap, trembling visibly. He rubbed his hands together nervously, as if trying to restore circulation.

Dr. Weir stepped forward. "John, are you okay?" He continued to ignore them. "John, please talk to us. We just need you to tell us what you need." Sheppard lay back down in the bed and turned his back to them, pulling the blanket up once again. "John?" She looked at the doctors helplessley. Beckett shrugged his shoulders.

Nick patted Sheppard on the shoulder, causing him to flinch again. "Call us if you need us Major. You know where to find us."

They left Sheppard to bury his face in the pillow and seek the darkness again.

TBC