Chris: Got this idea watching a movie in Government called, "Mr. Smith goes to Washington." Yep.
Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem, although there are some things I'd suggest improving. Like the graphics or the variety of weapons/classes. And actually having more than 6-7 countries.
Chapter 1: Marquess Matthew Has A Nice Ring
"Whew, everything's all packed." Hector stuffed the last of his rations into a pack.
"May I ask where you're going?"
"Holy shit!" Hector jumped. "Matthew, don't do that, you ass!"
"Sorry, milord." Matthew walked out of the shadows of Hector's room, a smirk on his face.
"You seriously don't mean that." Hector muttered as he hefted his pack over his shoulder.
Matthew cocked his head to the side and looked at the bag. "Hmm…Would you mind answering my question? Why would the Marquess of Ostia be dressed in traveling clothes and be carrying a sack full of food and supplies?"
"Cause I'm going traveling, you moron!" Hector shouted, then grew red in the face. "Dammit, I wasn't supposed to say that."
"Ah…Heh heh…I see." Matthew snickered. "I thought you liked the high and mighty life."
"Are you kidding?" Hector's eyes widened. "Sure, it seems exciting but it's so freaking boring! Every day, in and out, listening to courtiers and people begging me for judgment on laws! A guy like me needs to go out once in a while and enjoy life like it's supposed to be lived!"
"Who's going to cover for you, then? After all, you can't leave your kingdom alone, can you?" Matthew remarked.
"Shit! I didn't think of that!" Hector cursed.
"You rarely think of anything, milord."
Hector smiled and walked closer to Matthew. "Normally, I'd punch you in the face for a comment like that, but today, I'm feeling generous. Matthew? How would you like being Marquess while I'm away?" He handed the thief a small seal and a ceremonial sword. "Have fun!"
"W-What?" Matthew's face blanched. "Milord, I-I…I'm just a spy! I don't know anything about running a country!"
"Either way, you're gonna be Marquess!" Hector laughed and slapped the pale thief on the back. "Don't worry about it! I'm sure you'll love it!" He left his room, whistling a jaunty tune and his armor clanking all around him.
Matthew stood there, still shocked. He stumbled towards the bed and shook his head dazedly. "I'm the Marquess of Ostia…"
"Matthew! Matthew, come here right now!" Oswin's thunderous voice…you guessed it, thundered across the castle hallway. Matthew, picking up his senses and making sure they were undamaged, rushed outside to see the general standing outside, his face a mask of outrage.
"Your mask is scaring me. Take it off."
"Sorry about that." Oswin removed the mask of outrage. "Now, onto the matters at hand." He drew a big breath. "WHERE IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL IS LORD HECTOR?"
The blast of the shout launched Matthew across the hallway, through a door, and he finally stopped to a halt by hitting one of the maids that was cleaning a room some ways away.
"Sorry 'bout that, miss…" Matthew said, shaking his head. "Ouch…" He pushed himself up.
"Answer my question, Matthew!" Oswin roared.
"Um…Okay…" Matthew nervously edged towards Oswin. "He…uh…left…"
"LEFT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'LEFT'? YOU BETTER NOT MEAN THAT HE LEFT THE CASTLE TO GO GALVINATING WITH HIS HIPPIE FRIENDS!"
The blast once again sent Matthew across the hallway, through a door, and crashing into the same maid.
"Sorry again…" Matthew muttered and he staggered up. "Dammit, Oswin! What do you want me to mean by the word left? It means he's gone, Oswin! Kaput, disappeared, gone, vanished!" The spy saw Oswin draw in another breath. "Don't shout, Oswin! Don't shout!"
"Fine…I'LL YELL!" Oswin yelled. "HOW COULD YOU LET HIM LEAVE, MATTHEW? I'M VERY DISSAPOINTED IN YOU RIGHT NOW! IF WE DIDN'T NEED YOUR SPYING SERVICES, YOU'D BE OUT OF HERE!"
Matthew…yeah, he went through the same routine. The maid, now sporting a new shade of bruises, quickly left to avoid more harm. Matthew, however, had no such option. Oswin was stomping towards him, the castle stones literally shaking with each step. The thief could have been mistaken though, because he was shaking just as hard.
"Oh…And…Hector appointed me Marquess in his place…" Matthew mumbled and he saw Oswin's eyes widen to a very alarming width. "No yelling! By the order of Marquess Matthew of Ostia, you can't yell!"
Oswin spotted the seal in his hand and backed away, grumbling. "Damn Hector. Doesn't know what's good for his country…"
"Wait, Oswin! I need your help! I can't run this whole city by myself!" Matthew pleaded. Oswin looked at the thief and relented.
"Fine, fine. Sheesh, Elimine only knows how much you need it…" Oswin muttered and picked up the thief. "First order of business…Telling everyone…"
---
"Matthew! You never told me you were the Marquess? You can get me a vassal, then, right? I mean, I've always wanted a vassal. I'd keep asking Hector, but he would never get me one. But you're my friend, right Matthew? You'll give me a vassal, please? I promise I'll be very respectful and nice to my vassal and I won't do anything bad!"
"Argh! Serra! Breathe!" Matthew covered his ears against her shrill voice. "I didn't think you'd be asking me for things the moment I told you I was Marquess!"
"Oh, sorry Matthew. But I really want a vassal, you know?" Serra said. "Pleeeaaase, Matthew?"
"Sigh…Fine, whatever. You can have a vassal." Matthew sighed in resignation.
"Whee!" Serra hugged Matthew. "Thank you Matthew!"
"Yeah, yeah." Matthew shook his head. "Sheesh."
"So, who's my vassal?" Serra asked.
"Um…Let me get one…Ah…Who just signed up in Ostian service?" Matthew asked Oswin.
"Since Caelin merged with Ostia, we've received the services of Sain, Kent, and Wil. There are some other people, but I don't know if you want to submit them to Serra just right now." Oswin said.
"Hmm…I believe Sain struck out to make his living as a mercenary, so he isn't around anymore. Assign Kent as her vassal for the time being. I'll find a suitable replacement later." Matthew said.
Oswin nodded and left to carry out his assignment. Serra squealed with joy and left with Oswin to greet her new vassal. Matthew, now that he was alone, let out a sigh and walked back to his room. Serra had been the last person to be notified and now that he had finished telling her, he could finally rest for a while.
Alas Matthew knew not of the hectic nature of being Marquess, or he would not have given himself such hope.
---
"I WANT TO SLEEP!" Matthew yelled helplessly as another wave of courtiers assaulted him. So far, he solved the case of what came first, the chicken or the egg, and the age old case of who's worse, Jeigan or Marcus, as well as the mystery of if there's a god or if it's the eight heroes that watch over everyone and other matters.
"Sorry, milord, but we have just a couple of more visitors for you." One of the servants said, bowing.
"No wonder Hector wanted to leave…I can just imagine him now swinging his hammer to the ground and yelling, 'SHUT UP!'." Matthew smiled.
"Yes, milord, in fact, that happened 42 times." The servant remarked.
"Really? Wow." Matthew scratched his hair. "Anyway, what's the next case?"
"The Brothers Grimm would like to sue all the editors of Elibe for ruining all of their stories." The servant said.
"Bah, give them a thousand gold and tell them to leave me alone. I'm closing all discussions for today." Matthew sighed and pushed himself off the seat. "What a day…"
"Let me help, milord." A pretty maid with light blond hair steadied Matthew as he staggered off the steps. The thief grinned.
"Maybe I'm starting to see the benefits of such a job." Matthew let the main escort him to his room and bid her good day. Once he was inside, he plomped himself on his bed, sighing in contentment.
"Milord, what are you doing on that meager bed?" Another servant rushed in. "That's the wrong bed, milord!"
"Nah, this is just fine." Matthew waved off the servant lazily, but the overzealous civil servant dragged Matthew off of his bed and started bringing him to Hector's room.
"Whoa, whoa! I can't go in there! If Hector found out I slept in his room, he'd kill me!" Matthew tried to escape, but the servant had an iron grip.
"I'm sorry, milord, but even if you do get beat up my Lord Hector, you still are required to sleep in the Marquess' room. It is not good for our Acting-Marquess to be sleeping on a raggedy old bed."
"Fine, fine! Not like that big oaf can hit me anyway…" Matthew muttered.
"I'm glad you think that way, milord." The servant said as he opened the door to the official bedchambers.
Matthew's reactions could be split into four parts.
Part number one. His eyes opened wide and his mouth hung open. He started speaking with the word, "Holy…"
Part number two. His eyes grew wider and he continued with, "son of a-----...This place…"
Part number three. He staggered forward into the room and went on with, "------- is huge!"
Finally, part number four. Tears of joy sprang from his eyes and he finished with, "I love being a Marquess!"
The thief dashed inside and played with the numerous decorations around the room, as well as draping a curtain around him and acting like he was a vampire. He rolled across the bed that was large enough to count as its own room and quite literally swam in the pillows that adorned the surface.
"How does Hector live in such a place?" Matthew cried out. "Damn him for being Marquess!"
"Oh, he doesn't. You see, this room is haunted by ghosts of dead people who come seeking revenge."
"WHAT?" Matthew tumbled off of the bed in fright.
"Just kidding, milord." The servant said with a bland tone. "Hector said it was too flashy so he retired to his normal room."
"Oh, I see. I declare that no jokes played on the Acting-Marquess Matthew will be carried out through my reign!" Matthew declared.
"At once, sire." The servant closed the door.
"Oh boy. I can get used to being a Marquess. I mean, Marquess Matthew has a very nice ring to it, dontcha think?" Matthew mused to himself.
"Yes, yes I do." A female voice answered.
"Holy crap!" Matthew tumbled off of the bed again, which was kind of hard considering how big it was, but anyway… "Who the hell are you?" As you can see, Matthew has a bad potty mouth. Tsk, tsk Matthew. That's no language for a Marquess. Which makes you question how Hector became one…
But back to Matthew. The person he yelled at was another one of the maids. Actually, it was the maid from earlier. The one with the blond hair. Yeah, that's the one. What? You don't remember?
Well, if you copy and paste this on a Word Document, change the text to 12 point Times New Roman, and go to the 4th page, you should find it somewhere around the…hmmm…44th line at 9.7 inches. So you can go check for yourself.
Now that we have that settled…She entered the room and listened to Matthew monologueing. Now she was motioning towards the thief, smiling.
"What is it?" Matthew said nervously. "Please don't ruin my fun."
"You have more people. And they're too important to turn down."
"---------------------!" Matthew cried. In bold text too.
Chris: Like that last part? It's fill in the blank! Have fun guessing what he's saying!
Review please, and yes, I made up words, like plomping and monologueing. Enjoy the words! And enjoy the exploits of Marquess Matthew of Ostia as he endures the horror!
And this is also something to tide you over while you so patiently wait for the spin-off of FEH. Which has absolutely nothing to do with FEH except for one phrase.