Beckett almost had to come after me with the defibrillator paddles. The old review-o-meter hit 300 and I nearly passed out. When I posted chapter one a million years ago (seems like), I was thinking it would be neat if I could hit 100. Boy, did I get a shock. But it's a good shock. I'm trying to enjoy it because I know it'll never happen again in a million years. But man-oh-man, what a ride. I'd come and personally hug each one of you, but I don't know how to find you and I'd probably scare you off...and I wouldn't want to do that. So...just consider yourself hugged for making me smile a whole lot lately.

Chapter 16

Teyla walked beside Ford as they left the infirmary, each quietly reflecting on Sheppard's condition. Ford spoke first. "I guess I just don't understand why he's doing this. He can see and hear. He has to know everyone's just trying to help. Why is he shutting us out?" Ford almost looked like his feelings were hurt and Teyla suspected that wasn't far from the truth.

"I think this reaction is not unusual for a man like Major Sheppard. He has been through a great trauma and much pain that we cannot hope to understand. In spite of what he has been told, I believe the major fears the pain will return. He has been assured before that his ordeal was over, only to have it come back."

"I know, but this is different. This time it really is over."

Teyla stopped and looked up at Ford. "How can you be certain? Do you know that Dr. Kavanagh did not hide some stones somewhere else in case he got caught? Do you know that he does not have an accomplice? Do you know that the toxin has not hidden in some tissue in the major, only to come back again at a later date to cause him pain?"

Ford's eyes had gotten bigger with each question. "Do you think any of that stuff could be true?" He looked genuinely worried.

"No, I do not believe it to be true. But in Major Sheppard's position, I might be more concerned. The major ...builds walls, does he not?" she asked, remembering the terms she had heard the earth people use.

"Builds walls...you mean...distances himself from everyone. Yeah, he does. We've all been here together for months and I still don't know much about him before Atlantis."

"Does it not seem reasonable that a man who builds a wall around himself anyway might react to extreme shock and trauma by withdrawing and shutting himself off entirely? I believe that is his way of coming to terms with what has happened...he will talk to us when he is ready and I do not believe we should push too hard."

Ford nodded. "I guess I hadn't thought of it like that. I guess we could give him some time. I just...miss the major."

"As do I." Teyla looked around the hall where they had ended up. She had just been walking with Ford and not paying attention to where they were going. "Aiden, where are we? Is this..."

They stopped in front of a large door. "Yep! We're going to see Kavanagh. Just follow my lead...let's go play some mind games." He opened the door and they headed in.

Ford nodded at the guards as they walked into the room. Ford began to slowly circle around the holding cell, carefully watching Kavanagh. Teyla followed slowly, so that they ended up on opposite sides of the cell, each looking at the scientist in a menacing way. Ford turned to the guards and winked as he passed, so he wouldn't freak them out too bad. Kavanagh was standing in the middle of the cell, looking first to Ford, and then to Teyla. He was a little afraid of them both, so he wasn't sure who to keep his eyes on.

"What do you want?" yelled Kavanagh, getting really nervous.

"I was just thinking...about what would be a good punishment. Dr. Weir's trying to decide whether to have a kind of court ...or just take suggestions...or turn the major loose on you when he's able. Personally, I like Martin's suggestion with the wormhole." He looked at one of the soldiers as he made another pass. Their constant motion was keeping Kavanagh nervously twisting in the center of his cage. "Hey Martin? Did you tell him what you're suggestion was?"

The soldier grinned, pleased that he could be a part of the fun. "Yes, sir, I told him my idea. I don't think he liked it very much."

Ford gave an expression of mock suprise. "I wonder why? I think it's a great idea." They continued to circle the cell.

"Look...I already know that Sheppard didn't die. So don't try to make me think you can do much to me. It's not like I killed anyone or anything. All you can do is keep me in here til they open a wormhole back to earth." They weren't sure if he was trying to convince them or himself. His voice had gotten more and more high-pitched as he went.

Teyla arched one eyebrow and gave Kananagh one of her frosty glares. "Some might argue that what you did to the major was almost worse that death. We Athosians also have punishments to fit such crimes. Perhaps Dr. Weir and Major Sheppard would like to hear of them."

Kavanagh was still nervously twisting and turning, trying to watch both Ford and Teyla. As he spun around, he lost his footing and unceremoniously plopped to the ground on his behind. Ford and Teyla looked at one another for several seconds, trying to maintain a straight face. Ford cracked first, his lips beginning to turn upward into a big "we gotcha" grin. Seeing that her partner was quickly losing his composure, Teyla also began to smile. Within seconds, the two team mates as well as the two soldiers were bent over laughing. Kavanagh was so angry as he tried to scramble to his feet, he got his legs tangled up in the chair legs, throwing himself back on the ground. Ford began slapping his leg and trying to yell "Stop" as he gave in to the hysterics that were draining the tension of the past few weeks for both of them.

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Beckett approached McKay and Sheppard quietly, a bowl of soup in his hand. It had been several hours since Teyla and Ford left and most of it had been quiet. As he suspected, he found Sheppard asleep on his side, face partially buried in the pillow. He watched for a second to make sure he was breathing in that awkward looking position. Beckett set the bowl on the rolling meal tray. He looked up to find McKay stretching and yawning. He had apparently dozed off himself. McKay looked at his watch and then at Beckett.

"How's he been?" asked Beckett.

"He's been asleep almost since Teyla and Ford left earlier. You going for round two?" He nodded toward the soup bowl.

Beckett nodded. "Thought I'd give it a try. He needs to eat. I'm glad to see he's been getting some rest, though. He needs that as well." Beckett touched Sheppard on the shoulder. "Major, you need to wake up now. I've brought you some soup."

Sheppard rolled over on his back and rubbed his eyes, struggling to get them open. McKay stood up, stretching and yawning once again. Beckett watched him for a second. "Looks like someone else took a little nap."

"Well," said McKay, "it's hard to stay awake when you're just talking to yourself. I guess I got really bored to go to sleep in these chairs you've recycled from a torture chamber. Where in the heck did you get these things?"

"DId ya ever think maybe they're uncomfortable for a reason? Like to discourage people from takin' up residence in the infirmary. That is what we have quarters for, ya know." Beckett was adjusting Sheppard's bed and pillows to get him sitting up better. Sheppard didn't seem to be either helping or hindering the process. Beckett slid the tray over in front of Sheppard. "It's sort of like chicken noodle, major. I had a bowl myself and it's pretty good. Now eat, lad." Sheppard made no movement toward the bowl. He just closed his eyes.

"Hey, how's it going?" Weir strolled up to stand beside the two men. "I don't suppose there's been any talking or eating this afternoon?"

"Not yet," said Beckett. I was just working on the eatin' problem. Not having much luck though." He looked back at Sheppard to see his eyes were open. "Ah, you're back," he said.

Weir walked over to stand beside Sheppard. "I hear you're causing problems. You really do need to eat, you know. If you're tired, I could help you," she offered. Sheppard turned his head away from her. Weir looked down at the floor, sadness and diappointment filling her face. She wanted to help him so badly and she just didn't know what to say. She touched his arm and he flinched. She gripped his arm even tighter. "We're here for you when you're ready. You just have to let us know. John...please let us in soon. I miss you." She let go of his arm and backed away when she got no response. She looked a little like she'd just lost her best friend.

Beckett sighed heavily, getting a little disgusted. "Major, I can't make you talk to us, but you are going to HAVE to eat something. You've lost several pounds and you are very weak. You're not going to get any better if you don't eat. The IV can only do so much."

Sheppard reached his hand out, the movement suprising them. Instead of picking up the spoon, however, he pushed the bowl away from him.

Beckett clenched his teeth in anger. "Major, you are going to eat. This is gettin' bloody ridiculous. You are NOT going to starve youself in MY infirmary. Now EAT!" He pushed the bowl back in front of Sheppard. Sheppard stared at Beckett for a second, a glint of anger fleeting across his eyes for those who were watching. Then he swept the bowl of soup off the tray and onto the floor, scattering soup and ceramic shards everywhere. Beckett's face turned bright red.

"Twenty-four hours. If you don't eat anythin' in the next twenty-four hours, major, I'm puttin' in a feeding tube...and that is not a pleasant process. And you don't need to think I'm kiddin', because I'm not." Beckett turned to the others. "I'll send someone to clean up this mess" He stormed across the room.

McKay looked in amazement at Sheppard. "Oh, that was smart. Piss off the man with all the sharp, pointy objects. Not smart at all, my man. Not smart at all."

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McKay awoke to the darkness, unsure of where he was or what had awakened him. He squinted, peering into the darkness, searching for something he recognized. The infirmary. He was sleeping in the bed next to Sheppard. With that memory, he realized he heard soft voices and rustling behind him. He began turning over and getting out of the bed.

Nick and the nurse (Kelly) were at Sheppard's bedside. Kelly was pressing an oxygen mask to his face with one hand, her other planted reassuringly on his shoulder. She was leaned over almost whispering in his ear. "Just breathe major. You have to calm down and breathe. Try to focus on taking each breath and not on the pain."

They had Sheppard propped so that he was sitting almost straight up, obviously to help him breathe. His face was pale and covered with sweat. His back was arched slightly against the bed and his face was turned up toward the ceiling as he gasped in uneven, ragged breaths. Each hand was wrapped around a bedrail, gripping it for dear life as he struggled to draw in enough air. The hospital gown was pulled back off his chest and the heart monitor that Beckett had disconnected earlier that day was now reconnected. Nick had one hand on Sheppard's chest, just below the monitor leads. He was carefully watching the screen of the monitor. McKay could tell the heartbeat displayed there was going much too fast.

"That's it major, just breathe. It's almost over now. I can feel the muscle starting to relax. Just concentrate on breathing."

McKay moved up behind Nick. "What's going on? It's not back is it?"

"No, he's okay. Just a muscle spasm in his chest. He was having a little trouble breathing. It's almost over now."

As if on cue, Sheppard slowly relaxed back onto the bed. His breathing slowly became more regular and even and the beeping of the heart monitor began to reduce to a more normal speed. Nick asked the nurse for something. She secured the oxygen mask to Sheppard's face and left. Nick began to listen to Sheppard's chest with the stethoscope, making little hmmm noises as he went.

"What does that mean, hmmm? Is he okay? I thought he was past the bad attacks." Rodney's questions were going faster and his voice was getting higher, a hint of panic in it. Nick recognized the man's fear and turned back to him.

"He's going to be okay, Dr. McKay. He hasn't had a bad attack in a while and we were hopeful that they were over. This is a bit of a setback. Doctor...I'm afraid he's starting to lose ground. That's why Dr. Beckett is so concerned about him eating. He's pretty much peaked out for now and is going to slide back downhill if we don't get him to eat. Carson wasn't kidding when he said he'd put in a feeding tube. He's already got it set up and ready to go."

"Guess that means he told you about this afternoon. I didn't realize that it was this serious...I just thought Carson was mad."

"You know him better than that. He is upset...but it's because he's worried. Major Sheppard has come too far to start going backwards. He's just trying to get him back on his feet."

They noticed that Sheppard was starting to shiver, so Nick replaced the hospital gown and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders. "Sorry, major. We didn't mean to freeze you."

Kelly returned with a syringe and injected it into Sheppard's IV. Nick touched Sheppard on the shoulder. "Just keep breathing major. We've given you something to help you relax and get back to sleep. I'm going to leave you up for a while to make sure your breathing's okay. I'll leave the oxygen mask for a while as well. Get some sleep and you'll feel better in the morning." They watched as Sheppard's eyes closed and he drifted off.

Nick turned to McKay. "You might as well get back to sleep as well. He'll be okay. Kelly will watch him a while to be sure. Sorry about waking you...I know you haven't slept much lately."

McKay shook his head. "That's okay. I'd rather know what's going on. Let me sit with him a minute and then I'll go back to bed...promise."

Nick nodded. "Okay, but just a minute. Carson will have my head if you drop form exhaustion on my watch."

McKay nodded. "I promise." He sat in the chair and watched Sheppard breathe.

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Ford and Teyla walked into the infirmary just as Beckett was removing the oxygen mask from Sheppard. It was mid-morning and McKay was pacing as he explained what had happened the night before to Dr. Weir. Beckett was filling in some of the explanation about the event. Ford and Teyla caught just enough to have a basic understanding.about why Sheppard was propped part way up with an oxygen mask.

Beckett pulled the blanket back and slid the stethoscope under the major's gown to listen to his breathing. After moving it around several times, he seemed satisfied and replaced the gown and blanket. "Well, major, I think things are back to normal. I imagine you're sore, though." He watched Sheppard silently for a moment, hoping for some sign the man was listening. He got none. "Remember what I said, lad. I'll bring you some more soup after while. If you don't eat by tonight, we're puttin' in the feedin' tube. It's for your own good...and I WILL do it if I have to." Beckett patted him on the arm and left.

Ford proceeded to tell them about he and Teyla's little escapade with Kavanagh the day before. "Oh, major, you should have seen him when he fell flat on his butt. He was so mad. It was even funnier when he tried to get up and fell again. I've never seen one guy turn so many shades of red and purple." He watched Sheppard's face for a sign of a smile, but none came. Sheppard's eyes kept drifting closed for a few minutes at a time and he seemed unusually pale. Ford was pretty sure he was drifting in and out of sleep and probably getting very little out of the conversation. He looked so...fragile. Ford shuddered. Seeing his CO like this was like something out of a nightmare. He really hated Kavanagh.

Teyla also seemed concerned. "The major seems very tired this morning. Perhaps we should let him get some rest and return later."

Ford nodded his agreement as he jumped off the edge of the bed he'd been sitting on. "I think you're right. How about if we come back after lunch."

"Might not be a bad idea. He had...a rough night." said McKay, who they noticed also looked extremely tired. Ford and Teyla turned and left.

"Hey," said Weir. "You look tired. I have a feeling that John's not the only one who had a rough night. I bet you didn't sleep a wink after the attack, did you?"

McKay rubbed his eyes. "Not really. I was afraid he'd stop breathing. He just looked so...helpless. John Sheppard. The man who is usually dragging me out of danger single handedly while beating off an entire army with one arm...looked totally and completely helpless. I was scared, Elizabeth. I still am."

"Why don't you go get something to eat. I'll sit with him until you get back."

McKay hesitated. "I..."

"Please, Rodney. Let me stay with him a minute."

McKay realized she really needed some time with him. He hadn't considered that he had monopolized the major the last couple of days. He never did share well. "Okay, Elizabeth. I guess I am kind of hungry." He nodded to her and headed for the mess hall.

Elizabeth sat by the bed. She gently took his hand in hers. He flinched, but did not pull away. She sat there for several minutes, just watching his eyes drift open and then closed. She was comforted that his breathing seemed strong and regular. They had left the heart monitor connected after the episode last night and she found the steady beeping both comforting and worrysome. "John, I don't know if you can hear me, or if you want to hear me. I miss you. I miss our little impromptu meetings on the balcony. I miss your banter during the mission briefings. I miss the way you and Rodney argue like a couple of 5 year-olds while forging one of the strongest friendships I have ever seen. I just miss...you. Please come back to us soon. I promise...I will be there for you...we all will." She took the sides of his face in her hands and turned his head where they were eye to eye. "I can't do this without you, John Sheppard...so you better snap out of it soon."

A single tear rolled down one cheek. His expression never changed, but he took one hand and blotted the tear with his index finger. He looked down at his moist finger and absently rubbed the tip of his thumb and the finger together. He sat staring at his hand for a minute...and then leaned his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes. For a minute, he looked almost like he was in pain. Weir was considering calling Beckett, but his expression relaxed. She wiped what was left of the tear from her cheek, unsure of what had just happened.

McKay returned a few minutes later. "Hey, thanks. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I started eating." He looked at Sheppard. "You hear that. Eating is good."

Elizabeth got up and walked around the bed. McKay put his hand on her arm as she passed him. "We're going to get him back...you know that, right?"

Elizabeth smiled a little. "I hope you're right Rodney, but I'm beginning to wonder. I've got to start considering what I'll do if he doesn't" She looked down at him sadly. "In more ways than one..."

"I'll get him back, Elizabeth...I promise." She simply nodded, turned, and walked slowly out the door.

McKay turned back to Sheppard. "She's a good woman...and a good leader. She deserves better than this. What are you thinking, John Sheppard? Are you thinking? You've got all of us wracking our brains trying to figure out what to do to get to you ...to help you. I know we can't promise you'll never hurt again. None of us can have an assurance like that. You're not a coward and you've never run from pain, so I don't think that's even what this is about. You're building walls, John. You're shutting yourself off from us even more completely than before. What are you hiding from? Us? You? I know it's not that sniveling weasel Kavanagh. Even I'm not afraid of him and I'm afraid of everything. So what are you afraid of John Sheppard?"

"You can talk to me. You know that, right? We've saved each other's lives before. Aren't there cultures that teach that comes with responsibility? We take care of each other and we take care of Atlantis. You, me, and Elizabeth. I figure things out, Elizabeth negotiates, and you protect. Haven't you figured out that it takes all three of us? What happens to Atlantis and all of us if you cash it in? You think we have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving a wraith attack without you, because I can pretty much guarantee you we don't. It's time to live up to your responsibility. You can tell me anything...you know that. We can work this out...but only if you are willing to talk to me. I am not...I repeat, NOT leaving here without you talking to me." He leaned over and took Sheppard's face in his hands. His eyes were inches from Sheppard's. "You've taught me well, major. We don't leave people behind. And I am not leaving you behind. Not now. Not ever." He let go of Sheppard and straightened back up to see Beckett coming with another bowl of soup. "I think the hour of reckoning is at hand."

Beckett nodded at Rodney as he placed the bowl of soup on the rolling tray. He slid it in front of Sheppard and put a spoon beside it. This time he didn't say anything, but backed away and just stood, watching with McKay. Sheppard sat there a minute and then his gaze shifted down to the soup. After another minute, he picked up the spoon and began eating the soup slowly, careful of the hot liquid.

Beckett's mouth dropped open as he looked at Rodney, who was smiling so big he thought his face might split open. "Bloody heck, Rodney. How did you do that?"

Rodney just continued to grin. "Hey, you forget. I'm the answer man."

TBC

Yes, he's finally on the road out of here. It was just a long road.