I wish I had the time to respond to every single reviewer. If I did that, we'd be here two days reading nothing but notes to reviewers. I do want to give a special thanks to those of you who write down specific things you like and/or give nice overviews to the way you see the story unfolding. Special thanks to Emrys1, who holds the record for longest and funniest reviews and to my soul-mate, rogue1503, who keeps me sane on a daily basis and is a constant source of support and inspiration. Another hug going out to all you guys who read and review - YOU ROCK!

Chapter 17

Elizabeth walked into the infirmary, kneading the stiff muscles in the back of her neck. What a day! She hated playing catch-up. It was tiring and boring and stressful, all at the same time. If they could just get John back on his feet, maybe she would have a chance of keeping things in order. That was practically impossible when you spent half your day in the infirmary or staring into space wondering about his condition. She looked out the window at the darkness. She had meant to come by before dinner, but simply hadn't had the time. She hurried her pace a little, wanting to see John before it got too late.

She was already too late. She walked up to Sheppard's bed to find his bed already reclined and him fast asleep. McKay sat working on his computer in his home-away-from-home chair next to the bed. He looked up and smiled, noting her look of disappointment.

"You just missed him. He zonked out about fifteen minutes ago. I think he was extra tired today because of the episode last night. Good news, though. They removed the heart monitor, again, and he ate another bowl of soup tonight. I think Carson's going to go for something a little thicker tomorrow."

Elizabeth's mood brightened. "That is good news. Has he...said anything yet?"

Rodney sighed. "No...but he seems more...with it. It's like he's ...I don't know...more interested in the things going on around him. You almost get the feeling he's paying attention on some level. His eyes don't look quite so...vacant. I'm really starting to feel good about it." He held up crossed fingers. "Hoping for tomorrow."

"Why Rodney, I didn't think you were superstitious."

"I'm not. But a little luck never hurt anyone...and he's overdue for some."

"Are you sleeping at all? I don't want my two top men down at the same time."

Rodney nodded and pointed to the bed next to him. "Carson's letting me bunk out here. I want to be here when he needs me...when he's ready to talk. I guess Carson agrees because he hasn't given me too much grief for staying so long."

Elizabeth nodded. She stepped closer to Sheppard's bed and instinctively reached out to brush a lock of hair from his forehead. Her finger lingered on the red, new scar along the side of his head. She could tell the stitches hadn't been out long. The hair was beginning to grow again around the rough scar tissue and would probably hide most of it when it was longer. But for now, it was a startling reminder of what had almost happened...of just how close she had come to losing him forever. She thought perhaps the hardest thing to deal with was that it would have been by his own hand. She had faced his death on several occasions and knew that there was a better than average chance it would be real one day. But not that way. She could never deal with him taking his own life. Never. She shuddered and pulled her hand back.

None of this was lost on Rodney. As he watched her lightly touch the reddish scar tissue, he was also thinking of what had nearly happened and why. Suddenly, his stomach felt heavy and he wished he hadn't eaten supper tonight. He tried to bring his mind back to the progress that had been made that day. "He's going to be okay, Elizabeth. We'll have him talking in no time. Just think, a week from now we'll wonder why it was we wanted him to talk."

Elizabeth tried to give a small smile. "I know, Rodney. I just keep seeing the look on his face...and remembering how I felt when I thought he was...dead."

Rodney's expression sobered and his face paled slightly. "Yeah...I kind of remember that feeling myself."

She shook her head. "We're not going to dwell on that. We have to put that behind us for John's sake. Does he...does he remember what happened...have you been able to tell?"

Rodney shook his head. "No idea what he remembers. We'll just have to wait and ask him. You know if he remembers...or even if he doesn't, when he finds out...it's going to be hard for him to deal with. It's so...not John Sheppard."

"I know. But we'll be here to help him with that too. That's what friends do. I guess Carson's been in a somewhat better mood today."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's an understatement. He's harder to be around than yesterday - I swear, Elizabeth, he was singing some kind of Scottish thing earlier and I thought I might have to pull my ears off my head. The man brings new meaning to the term tone deaf."

Elizabeth smiled broadly. Maybe things were actually returning to normal after all.

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Sheppard walked down the darkened hallway. He knew it was late, but he still had expected to see a few night shift people along the way. There certainly should be military people on duty. He'd have to remember to check on that. He reached the doorway to McKay's lab and wondered briefly why he had come down here at this hour. He couldn't remember. He heard moaning as he stepped inside the lab. His heart lept to his throat and the adrenaline kicked into overdrive at the sight before him. An old, whithered shell of Rodney McKay lay on the floor giving his last gasp as a wraith kneeled beside him and fed.

Sheppard drew his gun and fired at the wraith, who turned from McKay and began to advance toward him. As he emptied the gun into the unflinching wraith, he noticed it looked like Kavanagh. No...it was Kavanagh. When did Kavanagh become a wraith, he wondered as his gun clicked on empty. Wraith Kavanagh laughed at him. "Now it is your turn, Major Sheppard. I will enjoy feeding on you even more than Dr. McKay." Suddenly he had Sheppard pinned against the wall, his feet dangling inches above the ground as he planted his other hand on Sheppard's chest. He could smell the foul stench of death and decay on the creature's breath as white hot pain spread through his chest and his vision started to gray. He screamed in agony as he felt the life being drained away.

McKay sat straight up in bed, the sounds of Sheppard's screams still loud in his ears. He leaped off the bed and was next to Sheppard in an instant. The major was still alternately yelling and mumbling incoherently as he flailed his arms around, struggling with an invisible assailant. McKay grabbed his arms and pinned them to his chest, leaning his weight forward to secure them. "Major! Major, wake up. You're dreaming."

Suddenly there were two other pairs of hands helping him. Nick and Kelly were there, helping him keep Sheppard from hurting himself and trying to calm him down. It took the three of them several minutes to get him awake enought to realize it was all a dream and that he was okay. Even then, McKay could see the fear in his eyes and that his body was still trembling, his gown and sheets wet with sweat. McKay wondered if you could smell fear, because he thought briefly maybe this was what it was like. Once he was sufficiently calm, Nick went about checking his vital signs and IV line. Satisfied, he looked down at Sheppard. "Everything seems okay. I'll get you something to help you go back to sleep."

"No." That simple word brought a stunned silence. The three people beside Sheppard's bed glanced at each other, each thinking maybe they had imagined it.

"Did you just say no?" asked Nick.

"I don't want to go back to sleep right now. I can't." Sheppard looked over at Rodney. "Can we talk?"

Rodney smiled. "Oh, yeah. That's kind of the point of me living here." McKay looked up at Nick. "I can take it from here."

Nick nodded, relief on his face. He couldn't wait to tell Carson. Sheppard may have eaten first on Carson's shift, but he spoke first on Nick's. Nick wasn't sure which was better, but he was glad to be there for one of the events. He nodded at Kelly, who was also smiling, and they left the two friends alone to talk.

Sheppard stared at McKay for several minutes. "You're really here...and okay...aren't you?"

McKay nodded, confusion apparent on his face. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

Sheppard closed his eyes a second and shivered uncontrollably. McKay pulled the blanket up around his shoulders. "Dream. I guess it was a dream...Kavanagh was a wraith...and I found him killing you. There was...nothing left. And then he turned on me. I woke up as I was...dying." He shivered again.

"Well, I'm here with you and we are both fine. Kavanagh is in the wraith holding cell. As far as I know, he hasn't turned into a wraith. I wouldn't exactly call him human, but he's not a wraith." McKay paused a beat. "Why did you decide to talk?"

Sheppard looked at him quizzically. "You make it sound as though it was a conscious decision."

"Wasn't it?"

Sheppard looked hurt. "No...not really."

"Okay, how is it not a conscious decision to refuse to speak to anyone for days?" McKay looked confused.

Sheppard closed his eyes and struggled for a minute, trying to figure out how to put it into words. McKay thought he had drifted back off to sleep by the time he finally opened them again. "It's like...I wasn't really here. It was like being on the other side of one way glass...or maybe watching things happen in a dream. Sometimes people and conversations were very clear...and sometimes it was like watching blobs in a fog with background white noise. I didn't feel like I was actually here in the room. It was like I was watching from somewhere else. There wasn't enought of a connection for me to...understand what was going on half the time. Even when I did...I didn't seem to be able to feel or react to it. It was just...random drabble. It had no real meaning. I know that doesn't really make any sense. It doesn't to me either. I just...had trouble getting connected. I just mainly remember that as things slowly started seeping in, Elizabeth was here...I don't know...I don't really remember what she said or did, but it somehow seemed important and it...pulled on me. Then you...something about... responsibility...and...not leaving me behind..." Sheppard's voice hitched slightly and he looked away, embarrassed.

McKay put his hand on Sheppard's shoulder. "And I won't."

"McKay, I..." Sheppard suddenly pulled his right thigh up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his leg, pressing his head into his knee. He moaned softly as he closed his eyes against the pain.

"I'll get the doctor!" said Rodney, worry in his voice and on his face.

"No..." Sheppard managed to gasp. "I'll ...be...okay...min...ute..." He began rocking back and forth. and trembling, his arms tightening against the pain in his thigh muscles. McKay was on the verge of overriding him and calling for Nick when Sheppard finally seemed to start relaxing. Eventually, his breathing slowed and he let go of his leg. He didn't straighten it, however. He turned to his side facing McKay and brought both legs up to his chest, shivering slightly. McKay grabbed the blanket off his bed and threw it over Sheppard.

"Thanks," he said softly. "Cold all of a sudden."

"Well, no wonder. You're practically drenched. We should probably get you some dry clothes and sheets. I can get Nick and..."

"No...I'm good. I...don't feel like dealing with anyone else right now. I just need...some time to adjust." He brought his hand up and gently touched the fresh scar, tracing it's length down the right side of his head. His eyes seemed dark and his voice almost hoarse as he asked, "What happened?"

McKay looked uncomfortable. He had known this would come up eventually, but he had been hoping for later rather than sooner. Might as well grab the bull by the horns. "What do you remember about the last time you got sick?"

Sheppard had already thought this part out, so he answered immediately. "I think maybe I went out onto the balcony to think. I'm not sure, but I vaguely remember having a conversation with Elizabeth. That's it. I've tried and I can't remember anything else. Rodney...what did I do?"

McKay sighed heavily. "Sometime that morning, Kavanagh ran into you in the hall and slipped the stone into your pants pocket. He wanted to see what kind of effect it would have over a prolonged period and through clothing. It was in your pocket for a while before the meeting. During the meeting...well, your hands started shaking...kind of like that day in the mess hall. You knew immediately what was happening...:" McKay trailed off as the scene replayed in his head and he leaned forward, his head in his hands. He felt a touch on his knee and looked down to see Sheppard's hand. He was propped up on one elbow, the other other hand reaching out through the bedrails to touch McKay's knee.

"Tell me," he whispered. McKay could tell from the pain in his eyes that he already knew. He just needed someone to confirm it.

"You said you couldn't do it again...You drew your gun and brought it up to your head...Carson and I grabbed at your arm...I guess we deflected it enough..." Sheppard noticed how pale Rodney had become. Rodney's eyes were wide with fear as he remembered that day. "There was so much blood and ...I couldn't see...I thought you were dead." He shuddered. "I honestly thought you were dead. Don't you EVER do that to me again."

"I'm sorry, Rodney. ...I don't remember." He lay back against the pillow and closed his eyes. "I just don't know what I was thinking. I'm so sorry."

McKay sipped water from the cup on the table, trying to regain control of his emotions. He didn't want to upset Sheppard now that he was finally talking. "Kate and Carson seem to think it's an understandable reaction and a unique incident brought on by stress or panic or something."

"Well, I can promise you that it won't happen again. I still can't believe...Man...this stuff has me screwed up worse that I thought."

"HAD you screwed up. You're making real progress now. We'll have you on your feetin no time."

Sheppard looked back at McKay. "You think I can talk Beckett into a shower and some scrubs tomorrow? I feel really...gritty. After the nightmare sweats, I can't smell too sweet, either."

"Hey, with you talking and eating, you can probably have just about anything you want. Talking him into a shower and scrubs should be easy."

Sheppard nodded. He lay there for several minutes, silently staring at the ceiling. "Thanks for not giving up on me."

"It's like I told you - you trained me well. We don't leave people behind. And that includes you."

TBC