I MUST apologize profusely for the terrible delay. RL has sucked like a big sour lemon lately and it could not be helped. Still, I'm sorry to leave you hanging like that. I'll try to never do that again.

Thanks to all who read and review. You've been my bright spot, as usual. Couldn't do it without you guys!

Emrys1 - I'm blushing. Seriously blushing. I think we should start reviewing your reviews. They are a story in themselves.

Rogue1503 - Special thanks for being beta to this chapter and adding some really neat stuff to a part that was seriously lacking. I owe you big time, girl!

Chapter 18

Carson Beckett strolled into the infirmary, finally feeling like he had gotten a good night's sleep. This was going to be a good day, he thought as he stepped into the room. He stopped short when he saw Nick and Kelly sitting behind the desk with their feet propped up on top of the furniture. Each held a cup of coffee and they were smiling smugly as they chatted and sipped their drink.

"Jest what do ya think yer doin?" asked Beckett, looking annoyed at the feet on the desk.

"I believe we are having coffee." Nick turned to Kelly. "Would you say we're having coffee?"

Kelly smiled broadly. "Why yes, doctor, I would definitely say that we are having coffee."

Carson was really looking irritated now. "You bloody well know what I mean. Why are yer feet all over the bloody desk?"

Nick looked back at Kelly. "He said bloody twice in one comment. We may be in trouble here."

Kelly nodded in agreement. "Think we should tell him the good news? Might make him a little less stressed."

Nick nodded back. "Actually, let's show him. You know what they say. A picture is worth a thousand words."

The two of them removed their feet from the table, set their coffee down, and got up, heading towards Beckett. Beckett looked more that a little nervous. "What? What are you doin'?"

They each looped their arm around one of his and began leading him down the row of beds. They headed towards the privacy curtains around the two beds Sheppard and McKay had been using. It had been arranged almost like a private room within the larger room. They could hear voices as they approached the area. A look of confusion crossed Beckett's face. Voices? Once they reached the opening into the "room", they paused and looked in.

Sheppard was propped up in the bed and McKay sat in the chair next to the bed. They both looked up at the figures in their "doorway". Sheppard smiled and said, "Hey, doc. When do we get fed around here?"

Beckett almost passed out. He certainly hadn't expected that. He looked at Nick, who was smiling impishly back at him. He knew he had just been set up. Trying to recover, he pulled his arms back away from the two conspirators. "Why, I'm sure we can get you something in the next few minutes. I think Dr. Strauhan and Kelly just volunteered to go get you both some breakfast."

Nick and Kelly looked at one another, their smile fading somewhat. "I knew it wouldn't last long," said Nick. "We might as well go rustle up some grub for these two."

Kelly frowned. "DId you actually just say rustle up some grub? I think you've seen too many westerns."

Nick's smile reappeared. "Hey, nothing wrong with a good western. Let's go hit the mess hall so we can get out of here before lunch." They turned and left, chuckling under their breath. Beckett just shook his head.

"You boys will have breakfast in no time." He paused a second. "Major Sheppard?" Sheppard looked back at him.

"Yeah, doc."

"Nice to have you back."

"Thanks! Hey. What are the chances of getting a shower and some scrubs?" Sheppard looked hopeful.

Beckett hesitated. "Let's see how you do after breakfast. Then I'll think about it." Sheppard nodded.

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Beckett finished his examination of Sheppard and was pleased. Now that the major was eating, his color was starting to look a lot better. His vital signs all looked good. "Well, I think we can get rid of the IV line now."

Sheppard brightened. "Really?"

Beckett nodded. The nurse set a tray down beside him and within a couple of minutes, he had removed the IV. Sheppard pressed a gauze pad against the puncture site. Beckett added a bandaid a minute later. "There we go."

"How about that shower and scrubs? I really hate these gowns. They're...drafty."

Beckett sighed as if he had been hoping to avoid this question. "You know you're awfully weak, major. Maybe we should wait until later this afternoon."

Sheppard looked like he might pout. "I'll be okay. McKay can help...like the last time." McKay nodded that he could do that. Beckett looked like he was thinking.

"Well...okay. I guess if Rodney helps. But make it a short one. You're probably weaker than the last time and you almost didn't make it through that one, as I recall. The fact that you are finally eating should help you start building your strength up."

"Speaking of eating, when do I get something besides soup or ...cream of mush...or whatever that mess was Nick picked me up for breakfast. That was...horrible." He made a face to emphasize the bad taste.

"Sorry, major. We have to move slowly so we don't shock your digestive system too bad. You'll be on soft foods for a day or two. I'll try to find something a little more appetizing for lunch, though. We'll get you to real food eventually. Just be patient. I'll get your scrubs."

John nodded. Beckett returned a few minutes later with the scrubs. He and McKay stood Sheppard up, much like they had almost two weeks before. Once he was standing and had his balance, the major toddled off to the bathroom with McKay walking behind. This time McKay didn't resist the urge to comment. "Ohhhhh! I'm being struck blind...no...wait...it's okay. I'm just being flashed by the major. Hello. You might try covering yourself, up there."

Sheppard never even slowed down (although if he had gone any slower, he would have been standing still). "Jealous, McKay. You're just jealous. Besides...no one said you had to look."

McKay grinned from ear to ear. He knew Major Sheppard was on his way back.

They made their way into the bathroom and McKay went about stowing the scrubs and the towel out of the way. He checked the shower stall for soap and then turned back to Sheppard. The major was staring in the mirror. He just stood there for a few moments and McKay began to wonder if he had zoned out. Then he took his hand and gently traced the scar on the side of his head. McKay had forgotten...Sheppard hadn't seen it yet. He began to wish he hadn't been so eager to help out.

Sheppard stared at the red, slightly puckered scar. It started about an inch behind his eye and ran along the right side of his head to a place about an inch behind his ear. They had shaved the area around the wound, giving him a somewhat lopsided appearance. Tiny hairs were just beginning to grow back in around the scar. He gently ran his finger along the scar - still somewhat tender. McKay grimaced when Sheppard, almost trancelike before the mirror, made a gun shape with his right hand and held it to his temple, as if about to fire. "Bang," he said softly. McKay flinched. Sheppard put his hand back down to his side and continued to look in the mirror. "Do you think I'm crazy Rodney?" he asked, his voice so low that McKay almost didn't hear him.

"No...Do you think you're crazy?" Rodney asked, worried. He was starting to get spooked. Sheppard had been so light a minute ago to now be so dark.

"No...yes...maybe...I don't know any more." He turned around, the amused expression from a few minutes ago replaced by a much more sober one. "I better take that shower now. I'm getting tired." McKay just nodded, unsure of what else to do.

Sheppard didn't stay in the shower long, his energy failing fast. He was happy when he was able to dress himself and, at first, thought he might make it back to the bed unaided. McKay followed close at his side, realizing that Sheppard was near the end of his energy burst. Sure enough, about five steps from the bathroom, Sheppard's knees buckled. McKay caught him and put his right arm around the major's waist. "I've got you," he said simply. Sheppard nodded. They slowly made their way back to the bed, Sheppard struggling every step to support his weight as much as possible.

Beckett, standing beside the major's freshly made bed, started forward to help. McKay caught his eye, however, and ever so slightly shook his head. Beckett gave an almost imperceptable nod and stayed where he was. They both understood that this had been about more than taking a shower and that Sheppard needed to get back to bed under as much of his own power as possible. This had been about taking back control of his life and about getting back on his feet. He needed to know he had done most of it under his own steam. It was part of the healing.

As Beckett and McKay helped an exhausted Major Sheppard back into bed, Dr. Weir approached them. She knew the popular theory about getting to scrubs and she also knew how much they all hated the hospital gowns.

"Scrubs! Looks like things are looking up," she commented.

"Yeah, got scrubs and a shower." The exhaustion showed on his face as he gave a feeble smile.

Beckett looked at his patient, a little worried at the change in demeanor, as well as the tiredness in his features. "You need to rest, major. Are you in any pain?" He had noticed Sheppard shaking slightly as he had helped him into bed.

"No...I'm good. Just a little stiff and sore. I'm fine."

Beckett nodded. "Let me know if you need somethin' to sleep or for pain. You guys need to let him get some rest."

"Elizabeth," Sheppard said. "Can you stay a minute?" Elizabeth looked over at Beckett. He finally nodded.

"All right, major. She can stay a few minutes. Rodney, why don't you take a break for a little while?"

McKay yawned. "Maybe I could use a little nap in my own bed. Someone kept me up talking most of the night." He looked impishly at Sheppard.

Elizabeth smiled. It was so good to hear John finally talking. "I thought only girls sat up all night talking."

"Common misconception," said McKay as he waved his hand absently. "We just stay up talking about manly things instead of all that mushy stuff. I'll see you later, major." McKay walked towards the door to the infirmary, yawning as he went.

Beckett looked at Elizabeth, a warning in his eyes. "Only a few minutes." She nodded. Satisfied she understood that he meant business, he left them alone.

Elizabeth walked over to stand next to Sheppard, almost instictively clasping his hand in hers. About the time she realized what she had done, she noticed that he was holding onto her hand as well. He looked up at her with sad, tired eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Rodney told me...I don't remember..." He looked away from her, realizing the pain he must have caused her. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth." For a moment, he wished the earth would just open up and swallow and he wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

Elizabeth swallowed hard. Part of her was really mad at him for the nearly deadly stunt in the conference room and yet part of her was just so glad that he was alive. He obviously didn't remember what had happened, and yet he was very upset about the realization that he really had shot himself. She placed her other hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, John. I know what you did was...well, it's just not you. Those were very extenuating circumstances...circumstances that will NEVER come again. We'll see to that. No one blames you...we just didn't want to lose you."

He continued to face away from her. "I think maybe you have anyway." He said it so softly that she wasn't even sure she heard him correctly.

"Don't say that. Look at me, John." He didn't move. "Please..." He slowly turned his head back to meet her gaze, pain in his eyes. "We haven't lost you. You're still in there...you've just got to give yourself some time. It's probably not going to be easy. But I know you can do it and we're here for you every step of the way."

He nodded. "Thanks." He didn't quite look or sound convinced, but he didn't look as downcast as before. He shifted in the bed and grimaced as he tried to rub the muscles in his shoulder and neck.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, just a little sore and stiff. I just can't seem to shake it. I'm hoping it'll get better as Beckett lets me get up and move around a little more."

"Turn over on your side and put your back to me."

He looked at her funny, his head cocked slightly to one side. "I think my mom may have taught me that would be rude."

She smiled. "Just do it. Don't worry...I won't bite."

"You're sure about that?" he asked as he turned on his side with his back to her.

"Positive."

"Only fools are positive," he replied. She shook her head at the strange mood swing. This was going to take a while to work out. She leaned forward and began massaging his neck and shoulders. She could feel the muscles bunched up and tight beneath her fingers. He groaned, but it definitely wasn't in pain.

"Mmmmmmm. Anyone ever tell you that you have gifted fingers?" he asked, surprised at how much his aching muscles responded to her touch, craving the feel of her. With a sigh he slid gently over on to his belly, turning his head away on the pillow and closing his eyes, concentrating on her voice, and her touch.

"Yes," she replied as she kneaded the muscles in his shoulders and back. "As a matter of fact, I have. My mom used to have me give her a massage after a long day. She always teased and said I could probably make a fine living at this. No wonder you're sore. You're muscles are really tense." She worked in silence for a few minutes, working her way down his back, trying to rub the tension from the muscles. Finally, her fingers exhausted and starting to cramp, she stopped. "How's that?" Getting no response, she leaned over and looked at Sheppard's face. "John?" It was then that she noticed the steady, even breathing. He was deeply asleep, and for a brief moment in his relaxed features she could see a glimmer of the old John Sheppard.

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Sheppard suddenly sat bolt upright in bed, gasping for air as beads of sweat ran down the sides of his face and neck. He brought his hand up to the right side of his face and felt the blood flowing rapidly between his fingers and down his arm. His heart racing, he brought his hand back down in front of him. There was no blood. He sat there dazed for a second, trying to figure out what had happened.

He was still sitting there staring at his hand when Beckett and Heightmeyer rounded the privacy curtain to his "room". Beckett immediately realized he was in distress. Sheppard was still breathing hard and the color had drained from his face. The room was beginning to spin, making him nauseous, andBeckett barely got a small utility pan in front of himbefore he vomited. It continued until his stomach was completely empty and a little beyond. Beckett called for the nurse as he lay the pan down and helped the major lay back in the bed.

"Just try to breathe slow and easy, major. You've got to relax." He took Sheppard's pulse as he talked soothingly to him, noting that he was shaking badly. He was thankful to see the major's breathing was beginning to return to normal as he lay with his eyes shut. The nurse returned in a few minutes with a cool, damp cloth and begin to gently wipe the sweat from his face. The coolness felt good against his skin and he felt his stomach begin to settle. He finally opened his eyes.

He realized Kate Heightmeyer was there. Why did he have to do this with her there to witness it. It was only going to complicate things. "Enjoying the show?" he asked sarcastically. He regretted it almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Way to go, Sheppard. Make things worse.

Her expression remained neutral. "Hello, major. I just came by to see if we could talk."

He really didn't want to talk to her, but he knew he would have to eventually. "I'm guessing I don't have a choice in this."

"You have choices. We can talk now, or if you don't feel well, I can come back later. But you do have to talk to me eventually. We didn't get very far the last time I was here."

Sheppard looked confused. "The last time?"

"Yes, I was here once before, but we had a rather one-sided conversation. Don't you remember?"

Sheppard started to shake his head, but the sharp pain that stabbed through him convinced him that was not a good idea. He was just beginning to realize he had a hum-dinger of a headache. He felt like a vise was being tightened across his temples, the pain radiating down the back of his head and into his neck. "No...I don't remember." He closed his eyes and gently rubbed his left temple.

"Are ya all right, lad?" asked Beckett, concerned.

"Yeah...bit of a headache. I'm okay." Sheppard opened his eyes again and looked at Heightmeyer. "Let's get this over with."

"I can bring ya somethin' for the headache," offered Beckett.

Sheppard put one hand on his stomach. "No...I don't think I want anything in my stomach just yet. And I've had enough needles to last me a while. I think I'll just ride it out."

Beckett nodded. "Let me know if ya change your mind." He patted Sheppard's hand in an attempt to comfort and left.

"So, where do we start?" asked Sheppard.

"Why don't you tell me about the dream you just had." she said. Sheppard frowned. This was turning into a long day.

TBC

I have to explain the "Only fools are positive" comment. It's from the movie "Fern Gully". When my two oldest daughters were younger, we watched "Fern Gully" many times. One character (Batty) tells another (Zack) that "only fools are positive". It caught on and whenever someone would say they were positive, you would always hear the reply, "Only fools are positive." So when I typed the line about being positive, guess what popped into my head? I just couldn't help but type it in. Go watch "Fern Gully". Yes, it's a sappy rainforest movie, but I love it - especially Robin Williams as Batty.