Title: Philosophies and What-Ifs
Author: Romantic Epiphany
Date Started: November 29th 2004
Date Completed: November 29th 2004
Date Posted: October 3rd 2005
Fandom: Hagane no Renkinjutsushi/Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing(s): MILD, MILD, MILD Elricest. You have to squint to see it and even then it could also be seen as brotherly love.
Rating: PG-13. Just cos if you're under that age, you might not quite comprehend some of the big ten dollar words I pulled out of my vocabulary.
Archive: Yeah, sure. Just tell me you are doing it and where.
Author Notes: Well, uh, posted this in my personal livejournal. And no one really cared. So now I'm taking it out of there and putting it here. For no real reason other than the fact I really like this piece. It makes me happy.
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It was soothing to say the least, to think about the small things that really didn't matter. Because, in the end, they did matter. Everything he took for granted mattered. Didn't it? He used to take living for granted, didn't he? And living, was not by any means, a small thing that didn't matter. He couldn't remember who, but.. wasn't it supposed to be that sacrifices and willingness to give up everything mattered more than just excatly what you sacrificed? The young teen snorted. Not entirely correct. It did matter. If it wasn't able to match the equivalence of the thing you wanted, then, the sacrifice didn't matter. And was usually ignored or changed into something that did have an equal equivalent value. And, if you had asked for something too big and offered so little, the one of those little things were taken. One of those little things he took for granted.
It was hard to sacrifice what you had to make it into something different. But, he felt cheated. Didn't he offer something and one of those small things? Why didn't he get the outcome he wanted? Was it God that cheated him? For trying to mock him? Was it fate that bit him in the ass? ..Or.. was.. that's just how it's meant to be. If okaasan didn't pass away.. and his brother still had his body.. then. Well, they'd probably somehow end up losing it all anyways and they'd still be this way.
Rivulets screamed down his flesh, he didn't mind. The angry red streaks left after their rampage didn't bother him either. The renowned Fullmetal Alchemist did not much care about pain. Oh, it affected him. More than others dared think. But he didn't associate this pain with the word pain. Was it really pain? In eternal suffering.. would you really suffer? How would you suffer? Would it be different for everyone who endured it? No one knew. So, couldn't pain work the same way? Could he, logically, apply this to everything he knew and understood.. and even the things he couldn't comprehend? To love, it applied. Love was different for everyone. Some people abused it and relished in the abuse.. and some people basked in love.. and would do anything for it. But, if you think about it, then, it a twisted way love wasn't love anymore. And pain wasn't pain anymore.
A sigh. It didn't matter. The things he'd learned, everything he built his foundations on, were crumbling. But that was alright. He'd keep on going. If not for himself, but for the people around him. They had different definitions of pain, love, happiness, depression.. everything. And that's what really mattered. Even if one definition, one belief was widely accepted.. it didn't mean it was throughly accepted. A smile, no matter what, had it's cracks and chinks. Or did it?
Another sigh.. but not a typical downcast, the believed definition, sigh. It had cheer to it. Like a release. The tired noise a machine made when you shut it down after a long time of operation. Or the noise of a content cat curling up after a perplexing time spent studying the texture of a wall. He thought of the important things in his life. Very few, if you were counting. Despondent eyes flitted to gaze at the soft streams of beaming sunlight floating through the window. It gave a nice.. warm.. fuzzy glow to it. The rays reached out with warm tender hands to stroke the rather large collection it had in a small harem referred to as earth.
Everything had a tender touch. But, didn't it also have a searing touch? One that didn't forgive. One that didn't know remorse. One that didn't know family. Love. Brothers. It didn't understand. And why? Why didn't the untangible things seem tangible?
"What muttled thoughts.." He muttered, to no one at all. With a well-practiced lethargism he leaned back, staring up at the flitters of sunlight slipping in. Yes, sunlight. Without it, their world would be cold and desolate. But with it, they had to deal with the bi-polar randomness of the damned thing. If it felt shy, it'd hide behind an array of dark, violent clouds. But that was okay. But, once the sun felt like she could be open to her little harem and show a bit of her true form, she'd make something that no human had ever been able to replicate.
Some things, were just not meant to be made by human hands.
"Niisan? Did you say something?" Content now. He was pleased. He had one of those once called small things with him. But really, the small things weren't really that small. They just seemed small because of their point on the plane. If they were perfect and beautiful. Tangible and beaming. Then it didn't matter. But if there was a flaw.. a chip in the structure. It had to be fixed. It became a big thing. Something that had to be immediately rectified. It is wasn't, it'd gnaw at his guilt until he did. But, the greater the perfection. The greater the luster. The importance rose when the smallest crack showed.
And that's why he had done what he had done. He tried to get his okaasan back. He needed her love, her tenderness, her sweet smile. Instead he found himself down two limbs and his brother in a state he could hardly describe. It was his blame. His guilt. And he had created something.. something.. tangible. Something real. But it wasn't his dearly beloved okaasan. No. It had her soft comforting eyes. But it wasn't her.
Leaning there, staring at his beloved creation he begun to doubt the dubbed black and white things of the world. Maybe.. under all the facades, he could find what he was looking for. Whatever it was. It was beyond tomorrow.
His answers laid beyond tomorrow. So. He'd go beyond tomorrow and see where he was. And no one could stop him. He'd fix the thing he attempted to fix.
"Oh, it was nothing. Just thinking." With a shake of his head, the pessimist found himself turning the water faucet off with a pale foot. Glazed eyes took in the sight of intricate muscles pulling and contracting to move the bones and make the actual limb move. It fascinated him. Another little thing. Something one did not notice. Unless something bad happened.
Why did the bad things have to matter more than the content, good ones?
"About what?" A curiosity. One that couldn't be satisfied with a plain 'nothing' or a simple 'eh, nevermind'. The type of innocent curiosity expected from a four year old just testing his intelligence and trying to prove himself in a world where.. intelligence seemingly didn't matter. It was how you applied it.
He considered himself rather intelligent. But, really, was he? He tried to apply the things he learned from books to everything in the world. Books were black and white. The world... couldn't be described. It was everything and nothing. There was no black and white. It was just there. And here, he told his dearest about his thoughts and wondered if he was going crazy. Or if he was just muddled. Maybe.
"nn.. Ne, niisan? I think I understand what you mean. But.. if you keep asking yourself the impossible, I think you'll forget about the possible. So stop trying to deduct everything to make sense and just flow." Bright golden eyes glared. It wasn't helpful. He didn't want to follow in line. He wanted to know. Could reality not really be reality? And, to get right down to it, what was reality in the first place? It wasn't something he could touch. And even the things he could touch, could be changed just as easily as they were created. But some things were different. Nothing was equal. Everything had a little difference to it. A dash of something new mixed with the old.
"Are you implying that it's wrong to question life?" The elder brother couldn't decide if his brother was being truthful with him or just thought his niichan had finally lost whatever remnants of brains he had.
"No, I was just saying, that some things are there because without them, life would be too easy. Some things are different because fate plays her hand a different way. It's on her whims that we do the things we do, like she's guiding us." Maybe they were being guided. Was that helpful? Did it really make something out of nothing? Guiding the change from a soft whisper to a vibrating scream in seconds. Well, the answer wouldn't come to him. If this really was reality and if he really was real and what would happen. He didn't know.
"Niisan, you should worry about the here and now, not the there and later." Soft well-fleshed fingers curled around the waist of his own flesh-and-blood. And with another content sigh, Edward decided that it wasn't worth it to find the answers to his questions. If fate, or whatever chose for them to be there and exist, decided he should know, then he would know.
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"Niisan? Are you thinking again?" An irritated voice broke through his thoughts as he blinked and gazed at his brother. The boy meant so much to him, Alphonse was his everything. His reason for going. Reason for existing. The reason 'fate' had given him for moving on to see what laid beyond tomorrow.
"No, I was just sitting here. I can't think when I'm wide awake." The taller of the two blinked, almost not comprehending the statement. But, it made sense. In an Edward-ish way. Stifling a yawn Alphonse rolled over to eye his older niichan. He loved him dearly, but sometimes the alchemist could drive him insane. But that was probably why he loved him. The boy pulled himself into a comfortable position sprawled over his brother's legs. If the elder was awake, then, he could entertain him until he fell back asleep. It was his niichan's fault he woke up anyways, least he could do was help him get back to sleep.
With a soft, content smile he nuzzled his niichan's thigh, having no greater pleasure than the placement of the blanket over his form and the restful hand placed tenderly on top of his dirty blonde hair. All that mattered to Alphonse Elric was his niisan. Nothing else mattered to him, because, it was too small and minuscule to think about right now. The big thing was his niichan.
"Night, Al." Smiling Edward turned to the open window, watching the slight flutter of the bleak curtains in the wind currents.. and as he looked up at the sky where tomorrow would arrive, a bird near him flew. And wondered what would happen if he did leave himself behind on the world's highest point and kept himself away from kindness. With that, he stopped. He didn't want to know. He liked kindness. It was another nice, warm. fuzzy thing. And it was something that no one could change. Kindness was kindness.
-fine