Chapter 2

"Sandy seems to think you're getting better, but then he has always been the optimist." Kirsten pulled a neat stack of white clothes out a shopping bag and put them on Ryan's bed. "There was a sale," she explained smiling weakly.

Ryan stood with his back pressed against the counter watching Kirsten out of the corner of his eyes.

She fingered a pair of socks nervously before sitting on the edge of the bed. "Trey is out of the hospital now, I think Sandy already told you? We'll take you to see him if you want. But you know what's best; we've learned that lesson."

Kirsten's eyes darted to Ryan a few times as she waited for a response. She nodded slightly when it was clear he wasn't going to say anything. "I know you've been avoiding me since I came home more than a month ago, and I've tried to respect that. God knows you've had enough promises broken and I didn't want to add to them. I'm going to try my best to earn your trust again, by deeds not words. But I want to say ..." Ryan moved forward shaking his head, but Kirsten's lips thinned and she shook her head more adamantly. "There are no words you could ever say that would make you unwelcome in our home. I'm sorry for saying differently with my vile words."

Ryan stopped in his tracks and sat back on a stool studying his hands too intently. "You don't have to do this," he said with a hoarse voice. "I'm the one that's screwed up. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, given me. But no more stuff, please." He eyed the new stack of clothes with unease. She had been on a shopping spree since coming home.

"Ryan, we never expected a perfect kid, we never wanted a perfect kid. We have Seth after all," Kirsten said with a short laugh. "There's a fine line parents draw between protecting their children and not letting them live. To live fully is going to hurt sometimes. We learned late that we erred on the far side with Seth. You are hurting now, but I promise that you won't hurt so much once you learn to control your anger. We've found the best doctors to help you."

"I'm not going to any doctors; talking and more talking doesn't change anything."

"It stinks to be told you need help - I know all about that."

"Kirsten, you were right to worry about Seth hanging around me. Getting punched in a beach fight was just the beginning. Going to that party with Donnie where he shot Luke, a nightclub where shots were fired, … going to Trey's who had a gun. Who knows if Seth won't get unlucky next time?"

"I'm not happy about Seth being in danger, but I don't blame you for those things. I also don't want him lonely and sad, avoiding the world either. Like I said before, to live wholly is to hurt sometimes. Drowning in alcohol, or your way – shutting out the world, aren't the ways to go. They might block the pain for a while but they don't let the joy in either. Sandy and I are going to let you get used to the idea of therapy but it will happen," Kirsten said firmly.

Ryan didn't say anything aloud but reaffirmed a decision of his own.

Ryan lifted a hand to loosen his necktie but stopped because he refused to fidget. They fit, he didn't but he would not embarrass them. They were sitting at Kirsten's favorite restaurant, Le Gourmand. But there were no fat eaters in Orange County, only exercise fiends and the surgically assisted. Ryan had faked enthusiasm when she asked about his birthday dinner and so here they were. The Cohens laughed and joked, touched and kissed freely. It was obvious to anyone watching they enjoyed each other's company. They wore fine clothes comfortably, said clever things, and picked up the right forks without thinking.

He thought, and he was getting tired of thinking so much lately. He thought he had moved past this awkwardness only months after being taken in by the Cohens. There had been countless banquets and social functions since, but here he was back to the start doubting his every move again. He couldn't imagine being any more cautious than he was last year, he was the ultimate normal high school guy, and it still ended in tragedy. How could he be more diligent? He couldn't. Just sitting there they were asking him for things he couldn't give. They didn't mean to do it but they were making him feel like a priest, absolving them of their guilt. Why they thought he could offer absolution was beyond him. Did they simply choose to forget he recently tried his damnedest to violate the Sixth Commandment against his brother?

"Might I recommend a fine Oregon Syrah? It would compliment your poulet quite nicely I think," the waiter said. There was an awkward pause at the table before Kirsten answered. "No, sparkling water for me, thank you."

The food was served, and it was up to its usual incredible standards – it wouldn't dare to be anything less. 'Less thans' didn't stay in Newport for very long, Ryan thought.

The finished plates were taken away and a cake presented. Sandy drew up tall in his seat to begin his speech. "Ryan, you're not Jewish, more's the pity, but there are secular rites of passage that have to be acknowledged. Eighteen is a big milestone. You are legal: you can vote Democrat now, you can be called on to fight in a just war or nobly abstain from an unjust war, and in my day you could enjoy a pint of beer." Sandy smiled at his own wit. "Becoming a man is about becoming responsible for your own actions, not the macho bullshit you are bombarded with in the mass media."

Seth interrupted with a groan. "Please just blow out the candles, Ryan."

He blew out the candles as Sandy shot Seth a look of distain. Sandy continued, "I'm proud to know you, son. To see the progress you've made since I've met you, and I know you will be making -"

"Stop already, Dad. Here's my present." Seth slid a square box across the table. Ryan opened it to find a glass bowl full of goldfish. "You got me cracker treats?"

"I wanted a dog but Rosa must be one of those cat people," Seth said with a puckered face. "We can go to the pet shop tomorrow to replace them with the real thing."

"A goldfish?"

"Yeah, we'll get a copper colored one and name her Penny."

"You name her without even meeting?" Ryan asked as though he were impressed.

"Yeah, it's not quite right. The name needs a little bit more, Penny something – we'll think on it. But the point here is that studies have shown watching fish swim lowers your blood pressure. And pets ground you; you gotta change their water, come home to feed her every day. Umm, not that …"

Kirsten ignored Seth and handed Ryan a large, flat package that another waiter had been holding behind his back. "You guys said dinner out was your present," Ryan said unhappily.

"Sandy's picking up the bill. This is from me," Kirsten said.

Ryan opened the present slowly, slipping a finger under the tape so he wouldn't rip the fancy wrapping paper. "Your art portfolio?" Ryan placed a palm against the leather grain reverently. It was easily two by three feet with signs of heavy wear on the corners and handle of the black case.

"You need something to display your work professionally in college," she said with tears in her eyes.

Ryan's mouth ran dry, and he felt each beat of his heart thumping loudly in his chest. He swallowed hard and took a slow breath, trying to collect himself. "Wow, you're making this hard. I didn't think there were really people like you… I appreciate everything you've done but I'm eighteen now, and like you said legal… I hope you understand this is for the best because I've thought about this a lot. I'm a coward to say this in a restaurant, but if I don't say it now." He stopped and tried to take another deep breath.

"You haven't really said anything," Seth pointed out.

Ryan blurted, "I'm moving out. I found a job, an apartment in Chino."

A stunned silence followed. Then Sandy declared in a deep, certain rumble, "You are not going anywhere."

Author's Note: Thanks again to FredSmith for the awesome beta job!