Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I'm a tool, tool, tool"

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Yes, the final of my parodies to be re-written. Now, due to a possessed floppy disc, the first 8 (or so, as the number may change with editing) acts of this parody have been written from scratch. Completely so. As a result, some characters may have been changed, as my memory is pretty pathetic for a 22 year old. So here it is, the parody of 'Wild, Wild, West'. Weeee.

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ACT 1 – In the beginning…

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We open in the bayous of Louisiana, 1869.

"Home, home in de swamp", sings Remy, "where de snakes and de gators dey camp"

Todd gives him a smack, wearing the much despised directors cap.

"Shadup"

Suddenly, a circular blade cuts through the trees, whirring ominously. We soon see Kelly, a weird metal collar around his neck as he runs from said circular flying blade

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!", screams Kelly.

Kelly whimpers, trying to weave between trees to avoid the blade.

"He's a…mad-mad!", he pants, "I must warn the president!"

Kelly races past a abandoned wagon, it being shredded by the blade.

"Giant spider!", Kelly rambles.

"Poor soul's got the mind-crazies", says Todd, shaking his head and tutting.

Kelly stops running, his eyes widening as the blade bears down on him. There is a 'thunk' sound and the screen goes black.

"Nice", grins Todd, "I killed Kelly in the first act, go me!"

Sabertooth appears on screen, a weird megaphone attached to his ear.

"Oh, that's attractive", snorts Logan.

Sabertooth snarls, leaning down to look at Kelly's now decapitated head.

"And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart", he chuckles.

He picks up the blade, which has a spider design on it, as music starts up.

Spider-Man

Spider-Man

Does whatever a spider can

"No!", snaps Todd, taking off the music, "that's the wrong music! We need the wild-west stuff…..idiot"

"Sorry", says Bobby, changing the music, "it was an easy mistake to make…seesh"

The music kicks in again, this time a wild-west theme., as scenes of guns and explosions flick past. Once the snazzy opening sequence is over, we open on the town of Morgan, West Virginia. Zooming in on a creaking water tower.

"The legendary Captain Pietro West", smirks Tabby, "and I finally got him all to myself"

We see that Tabby and Pietro are in the water tower, swming very, very nakedly.

"I get to see Tabby naked!", grins Pietro.

"Everyone gets to see Tabby naked", says Todd, "she's easy"

"Hey!", snaps Tabby, then blinks, grinning, "what do I care? I love this life"

"So is Pietro, for that matter", adds Todd.

"…..Also true", blinks Pietro, "and sugar, you should feel free to treat him just….bad"

"….Not too good with the dirty talk, are you, Pie?", blinks Tabby, "and don't call me sugar"

"Shut up and kiss him", says Todd.

"Fine, but I want to be paid extra", says Tabby, randomly giving Pietro a snog.

As they kiss, Pietro blinks as he hears the sounds of fighting outside.

"Hold that on for me for one second, would you?", he asks, swimming off to peek through a peek hole.

"You can't turn me on and off like a toaster, you know!", snaps Tabby.

Through the peek hole, Pietro sees a wagon ride into town.

"General McCreeds boys", says Pietro, "I've been waiting for you for a week, you show up now!"

"Pietro", says Tabby, her hands on her hips, "You wouldn't be working up here tonight now, would you?"

Pietro blinks, trying to weasel out of Tabby's wrath.

"Working?", he asks, "Now would you be working if you were up here with you?"

Tabby blinks.

"Being cryptic won't save you, I'm not stupid…jerk"

As Tabby and Pietro kiss again, Pietro's eyes move to where McCreeds boys, Lucid, Duncan and Façade, are loading up the wagon with..something.

"Pack it up good, Façade", says Lucid, "Next stop: New Orleans"

"Yey!", says Remy from backstage.

Tabby stops kissing Pietro, as Pietro has turned his head to watch this. Pietro, being an idiot, is still making kissing motions with his lips. He pauses, as soon as he realizes he's being glared at.

"I'm not working!", he protests, "you're worse than a wife!"

Tabby narrows her eyes, taking Pietro's heart-patterned boxer shorts and stuffing them into the peep hole.

"Problem solved", she says.

"Now hold on there, Tabby!", says Pietro, removing his boxers, "You can't just go ramming a mans personal things into some hole like that"

"Innuendo!", shouts Todd.

"Is that so?", smirks Tabby, kissing him again.

"I didn't mean it like that", mutters Pietro.

As Façade tosses another crate onto the cart, Jott in front rears up.

"Jeez, that's heavy!", shouts Scott.

"Mybackmyback!", says Jean.

As Jott rears, the wheel of the wagon hits one of the legs of the water tower, making it lurch.

"Ooooh, Pietro", purrs Tabby.

"Much as I'd like to take credit for that, Darlin'", says Pietro, "uhhh…you might want to hand me my gun"

Jott lurches forward, snapping the leg of the water tower, bringing it crashing down. A very naked Pietro drops out in front of Lucid, Façade and Duncan.

"My eyes, MY EYES!", screams Lucid.

"…Wait…can't you see though things like clothing anyway?", asks Façade.

"……..I don't do that", lies Lucid.

"Wooo!", grins Pietro, standing up, "that was fun! Which one of you boys wants to strip down and go next?"

The three stare at him blankly. Pietro smiles, pointing at Duncan.

"Bet you do"

"…..No….thanks", blinks Duncan.

"Sure could use some clothes down here m'am", says Pietro, looking up and the falled water tower.

Tabby makes a 'humph' noise, throwing down Pietro's hat.

"You can leave your hat on", says Tabby snidely.

Pietro blinks at it, then covers a vital part of anatomy with it as the guys stalk forward.

"Well, well", says Lucid, "we got us a shy Mutie…"

He pauses.

"Wait, why are we anti-mutant? We ARE mutants!"

"We haven't got enough humans", says Todd, "you're a human for a day, congratulations"

Pietro throws a punch, knocking Lucid to the ground, then proceeds to beat up Duncan, who is stopped in his tracks as Pietro removes his hat.

"Bad thing to see", he whimpers as Pietro knocks him out.

"Pants!", shouts Pietro, glaring up as Tabby tosses him his pants and gun.

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Weee, and another parody beings it's stages of being re-written. Do review. Until next time….