Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like 'camera is generally pointed at'"

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ACT 3 – A….villain?

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Back in the burlesque house, Forge, still in drag, is singing to the drunks. The songs words, however are barely detectable, as Forge's 'Dora' voice is incredibly high and stupid.

"I need to get more drunk than this", sighs Forge as he does a jig.

As he finishes, Sabertooth drags him off the table.

"Oww, watch the arm!", snaps Forge, "you break it, you bought it"

While this is happening, Pietro tries to climb up the burlesque house, clambering towards the windows.

"Like Spider-Man!", grins Pietro.

"That's the second Spidey pun since this fic started", says Todd, "quit it!"

"That's a lot of ham for these skinny legs!", says Sabertooth inside, ushering 'Dora' upstairs.

"…….If this is how you talk to women", says Forge, "I don't know how you got anyone to sleep with you: ever"

'Dora' opens a door trying to distract Sabertooth.

"Look", 'she' says, "that's a new one"

Sabertooth blinks as he peers inside, hearing a sheep bleating.

"It's legal in Mexico!", shouts Gauntlet.

While Sabertooth is distracted, Forge looks in the other room, where Hank, Bobby and Alex are sat by a Jason in a Sack ™

"Lemmie out!", says Jason's muffled voice.

Sabertooth quickly closes the door.

"This room's occupied!"

"I'll say", says 'Dora' dryly.

Meanwhile, Pietro has crept up to the very window of the room Sabertooth ahs dragged Forge into.

"I want to erase this form my mind", says Forge with a whimper.

"Don't let the ear frighten you my little…..dove", Sabertooth snorts, "I lost it in a place I can't pronounce"

'Dora' grimaces.

"Really? One could hardly notice", 'she' lies, "Would you help me…..ugh…undress. I always have trouble undoing this clasp"

"….I'd rather not", says Sabertooth.

"I'd rather you wouldn't either", says Forge, "I couldn't afford the therapy"

"JUST ACT!", screams Todd.

Sabertooth grumbles, going to undo the clasp, only to have it open, revealing a pair of swirling hypnotic discs.

"What's this?", he asks, squinting at it.

"Why it's a deep, deep, pool", says 'Dora', "Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?'

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz", says Sabertooth, dropping asleep.

"He said sleepy, not asleep!", snaps Todd, hitting him with a shoe.

"…Yes", says Sabertooth drowsily, "I'm sleepy"

"Good", says Forge, back to his normal voice, "Now you're going to be my little doggie, and when I say 'speak, you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understood?"

"Meow", says Sabertooth.

"…..Close enough", says Forge, "Now tell me, who's in that sack in the other room? Which scientist is it? Is it Dr. Wyngarde? Speak!"

"Meow", says Sabertooth.

Forge sighs.

"You can speak word, you stupid moggie", he says, "Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Wyngarde? Speak!"

Sabertooth begins to twitch, hissing and growling.

"No, no, watch the swirling spiral, watch the swirling spiral!", says Forge, "bad kitty, BAD kitty, watch the….damn"

Forge looks at his jammed spirally thing sadly, just as Pietro heroically smashes in through the window.

Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. (1)

Pietro punches Sabertooth out, then tips his hat at 'Dora'.

"Didn't mean to startle you….ma'm", he says, "Looked like you could use a little help"

"Looks can be deceiving, barely dressed stranger", says 'Dora', "I'm perfectly fine"

"I'm sure you are, ma'm", says Pietro, then giggles, "Big, sturdy gal like you probably gets top dollar, too"

"…..I loathe you", growls Forge

Pietro roots around in Sabertooth's pockets, pulling out a sack of coins, tossing them to 'Dora'.

"There you go", he says, then pulls out a gun, "Why don't you run along darlin', and I'll sing my old friend the General McCreed here a little lullaby"

Forge blinks, seeing his hard work and loss of dignity all go down the drain.

"I need him!", 'Dora' says, taking the gun off Pietro, neither noticing Sabertooth getting up.

"Come on, Lady, you got your money, now run along!", says Pietro, "have a little dignity"

"My dignity vanished after I put on this stupid dress", mutters Forge

"West!", snarls Sabertooth, diving at Pietro, pushes them both through the wall, before making a run for it.

Pietro sighs, standing up, just as Amara, a whore, reaches for a gun beside her bed. Pietro, as always, is fast, pointing his gun at her.

"That would be an awful career decision, Darlin'", he says, spinning his gun on his finger and holstering it, "man, I'm good!"

Pietro grins, proud of himself, opening the door to go after Sabertooth, only to be randomly punched by Havok.

"Why am I evil again?", he sighs.

"SHAMELESS PLUG!", screams Todd.

There is a brief fight scene, where Pietro kicks the asses of Sabertooth's cronies. 'Dora' steps out, rolling 'her' eyes. As this is happening, Bobby races past, Jason in a Sack ™ slung over his shoulder, Hank following behind.

"Get Wyngarde out of here!", says Hank.

"Stop or I'll squeeze!", says Forge, holding a perfume spray at Hank.

"…..The dress, I find frightening…but otherwise.. HAH!", says Hank.

Before Forge can squeeze, however, Pietro bumps into him from behind. The two spin around, pointing their respective weapons at each other.

"And here come the slash insinuations", chuckles Todd.

"U.S Army", snaps Pietro, "Stay outta my way, Lady!"

Forge narrows his eyes, whipping his wig off.

"I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S Marshal", he says, "stay out of my way!"

From the hill above the house, Wanda is standing beside the suspicious carriage, binoculars held to her eyes, lip-reading Forge and Pietro.

"Get out of my way. Get out of my way", she says in monotone, "U.S Army. U.S Marshal"

We finally get a view of our evil, heinous villain. The most wicked man to walk the earth.

"Oh dear", says Sam

…..Okay, so I only had one guy who had a decent Southern accent, so sue me.

"A'h don't like this evil business", says Sam with a frown, "a'h didn't like it the last time"

"You're gonna like ti, and you're gonna shut up", says Todd.

Hank suddenly runs up the hill.

"Federal agents, inside!", he says.

"So Miss Lipin-Reader informs me, Mr McCoy", says Sam, as Jason in a Sack ™ is pilled into the back, "Still, a'h believe good manners dictate that we should send out the welcome wagon"

With that, he releases the cart full of nitro, which trundles happily down the hill towards the house. Forge and Pietro, still at a stalemate, pause as they ehar the sound of the wagons approach.

"Now what?", they say in unison.

The house goes up with a bang…..That's what.

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(1) – Mighty Mouse, if you're wondering. I always thought it foolish a hero would sing his own theme tune as he arrived on the scene. Didn't that kind of throw stealth right out of the window? Silly rodent.

Ahhh, such fun! Do review. Until next time…