20

It's after midnight when he gets to her room. He knocks twice then keys open the door. She's sitting at her desk looking over something on one of the flat data pads. "Hey," she says, not looking at him.

"Hey." He comes inside, seeing the laptop already set up for the showing and the pillows against the wall, waiting for them to relax. Ronon looks at her as he drops onto the bed; she's slouching over the pad and purposely keeping her face hidden from him. "You okay?"

She's quiet for a moment, then sniffs and turns off the pad before twisting in her chair. "Fine. You?"

"Good."

She smiles, but there's something different about it. She rarely keeps her icy shield in place when their together. After all, he knows her pretty well by now. But this look…this sadness is new. He's never seen it before and it makes his heart thump painfully. "What's wrong?" Sheppard! Even if he didn't mean to, he hurt Jax deeply by ignoring her this morning. Ronon's going to have to take action…it's only right.

She shakes her head, getting up from the chair and sliding onto the bed next to him. "It's nothing."

"I don't believe you."

Jax scratches her forehead and even though she speaks softly, he hears the crack of emotion in her voice. "I…I remembered what day it is…back on Earth." She trembles slightly and sighs a soft chuckle. "I can't believe it's getting to me." She sniffs again. "I'm supposed to be…well, you know… unaffected. Stone cold."

"You try but do not always succeed."

"So much for years of training."

Ronon tries to see her eyes, but she's only showing him the side of her face. "What day is it?" Her hand floats to her chest, grazing the spot where the bullet wound used to be before traveling up to rub her neck. Ahhh. Her current state has nothing to do with Sheppard—looks like the Colonel won't be getting a beating after all—and everything to do with the day she was shot and almost died. The day her parents did die. Right before her eyes.

Again Ronon's mind goes straight to Nally. Watching as the Wraith slammed his hand against her chest and drained her light, her smile away. Even as she screamed, she refused to give away the family's location under the floor. They huddled together in the darkness, but Ronon could see through the wood slates. He wanted to break free, but they pulled him back. She sacrificed herself for all of them and they were not going to let that be in vain.

Ronon shakes off the memory. He'd much rather keep the images of her smiling face, her beautiful long, dark hair with the shell combs, her eyes that twinkled when she looked at him, even if she was cross with him. Nally's love, that's what he must remember.

That must be what Jax is trying to remember about her parents…they died trying to fulfill her dream. They loved her dearly. If she can't remember, he will make sure to remind her. He catches her wiping away a tear. She clears her throat. "Why so quiet?"

Ronon settles his chin on the top of her head. "No reason. What were you reading on the pad?"

"We got a data burst from theSGC. My…friend—"

"Secret admirer?" Though he knows the man's name now, Ronon doesn't think sharing that tidbit of information would be a particularly healthy maneuver.

"Yeah. He forwarded a message from Lily. I didn't even notice the date at first. Then it just hit me."

Ronon wraps both arms around her, pulling her tighter against him. She rests the side of her face against his chest as if listening to his heartbeat. "What was in the message?"

She giggles so quietly he would have missed it if her body didn't vibrate with it. "They're having a girl."

"How can they know this already?"

"Earth science if full of surprises." She turns her head so she can look up at his eyes. "They're naming her Angela." Her grin grows.

"After you."

She nods. "Isn't that sweet?"

"Yes." After a moment, Ronon says. "Do you get these messages often?"

"No. Gen…my admirer thinks it's too dangerous."

"But he sends you gifts."

"He's a nice guy." She narrows her gaze. "Though he can be a bit too guy-like sometimes. As long as I live, I'll never understand the humor of the Simpsons."

"Simpsons?"

She flicks a hand. "Some cartoon. TV show like that Scooby-Doo I showed you. But…the Simpsons is just…it's a guy thing." Sheppard's mentioned that term before. 'A guy thing' seems to be the explanation whenever men and women from Earth do not get along on a topic. She shakes her head. "I can't believe he sold his cabin."

"…his home?"

She sighs. "Yeah. He had some great property. Isolated, quiet, real green. I miss it sometimes."

"When were you there?"

"Before coming here. After they sent Charlie to Spain, the feds wanted to put me back in the system. But my brother made some kind of impression on…him. Never can tell what's gonna click with that guy, how he chooses who he cares about. He's an odd one, really. By looking at him, you'd think he's all brash, business. But he's a teddy bear underneath. He went out of his way to make me welcome and he didn't even know me, really. All because he liked Charlie."

"Well now he likes you too."

She nods. "We got to know each other pretty good." Jax grunts. "He's a horrible chess player. And I kick his ass at poker. But he can barbeque and he taught me how to fish." She glances up at him and smiles. "He's kinda like you in a way."

"Me?"

"Yeah. A serious pain in my ass. He refused to keep to himself. Always checked up on me. I mean, it was obvious he knew my deal. But, he liked to push. Finally, when I told him about my parents… it all came flooding back. I actually broke down in tears."

"You?"

She chuckles, looking away. "Scary, huh?" Her fingers pick at the hem of her shirt. "He hugged me—even though I fought him—he hugged me and wouldn't let me go. And I started bawling like a baby 'cause he smelled just like my dad." She sighs softly. "Same aftershave."

Ronon's quiet. He watches the computer screen, seeing the hero trying to fight off an evasion of bugs in the middle of a jungle.

"Fuckme!" she says suddenly and Ronon's eyes widen in shock until he realizes she's talking about the show. "Those ants just ate that guy alive!" She chuckles. "I totally don't remember that scene."

Somehow she convinces him to stay for the next episode because it's on the same disc. Ronon grumbles about needing sleep, but he really doesn't mind. He finds these times very relaxing and, in fact, he generally falls asleep faster after one of their 'show nights'. The last episode ended with a horrible flood that managed to wipe out the bugs and save the hero at the last moment.

Jax tells him that's usually how it works in these types of shows. The hero has to survive, otherwise, there'd be no show. "You know, around here…kinda seems like that sometimes," she adds.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, take Sheppard. He flies off on a suicide mission, only to be saved by the Daedalus showing up at the last minute. And then there's the city…McKay managed to get the shield up at just the right moment! Either someone up there," she points to the sky, "likes most everyone here—except maybe that pony-tailed prick." She glances at Ronon. "Have you met him? Nasty man." She waves a hand. "Like I was saying. There's either a guardian angel hiding out or Sheppard's got some sweet luck. You know?"

"Could be."

"What's wrong?" Jax tilts her head. Ronon wrinkles his brows at the question. "When I mention Sheppard you get all tense."

"No."

"Yes." She sits up and stares hard at him. "You talked to him." She tilts her head the other way. "Didn't you." Ronon shrugs. She sighs, shaking her head as though disappointed in his silence. "He's embarrassed, huh," she says in that matter-of-fact tone that gives away no emotion.

"What?"

"He's embarrassed it was me. What I did to him."

"What you did?"

She makes a strange face, her brows creasing and her mouth twisting into a lop-sided smirk. "Yeah. I was molesting the guy in the hallway." Ronon laughs and she slaps him on the chest. "What?"

"Is that all you remember?"

She nods side-to-side. "It's mostly fuzzy. Like I was drunk. Really…really drunk." Her eyes narrow. "I know I nailed Cadman with a balloon."

Ronon chuckles. "Yeah, then you did that little dance. What was that?"

She nods, grinning. "Oh, my victory dance. I remember." Her eyes widen and she sucks in a lungful of air. "Oh. My. God." Her mouth hangs open and if her eyes were any wider, they'd pop out of her head and hit the floor. "Did I squeeze his ass?"

"After you kissed him."

Mouth gaping she audibly sucks in more air then buries her face in her hands. "I didn't."

"As though the universe might end." Ronon grins. "Don't worry. He was not offended."

She peeks at him between her fingers. "Really?"

"Just as Dr. Beckett said. There had to be some attraction to begin with…the whole pheromone thing."

Her smile is small, but filled with delight. "That's true." Then her brows crease again and she looks down, talking to herself. "So what happened next." She chews on the inside of her cheek, thinking. "More balloons. No…transporter. Then balloons."

She gets off the bed in a huff. "Damn. Why can't I remember?" Hands on hips she turns and scowls at him. "It's not right, you know. The Ancients going all out of their way to make this… thing…and then forgetting that their people might actually want to remember what happened instead of just the feelings of it."

"In the infirmary you looked like you knew…about you and Sheppard."

She rolls her eyes and her head to the side. "I… knew…in a way. But I didn't know—I mean, really know—until the doc mentioned the…" she waves her hand in the air. "You know, headache cure."

Ronon smirks. "Consummation?"

She rubs her neck, not meeting his gaze. "Yeah that."

"So what did you know…before you knew?"

A little smile raises the corners of her mouth and she blushes. "Feelings…" she shrugs and bites her upper lip. "Multiple…feelings."

Ronon doesn't understand, but whatever those 'feelings' were, Jax seems very happy about them. Her eyes glisten at the thought. "Love?"

She shakes her head quickly. "Ohgodno." She snorts a laugh. "Not emotion."

"I don't understand."

She pats him on the shoulder. "I'm not surprised."

"I don't think he's embarrassed it was you. I believe Sheppard's concerned about…well that he took advantage of you."

Her grin is broad and joyful. "Isn't that sweet! He is such…" she groans with pleasure. "Okay. I feel better. I just wish…"

"Yes?"

She wiggles a little in place. "That I could remember it all, considering it's the only time."

"Who knows…maybe not." Ronon grins slyly and Jax catches his gaze.

She points a warning finger. "Don't play with me, Dex. I'll kick your ass."

"You'll try and fail."

She whines a little. "Ohhh, spill. What'd he say about me?" Her eyes narrow again. "Ohgod, I sound like a teenager!" She waves a hand. "Whatthehell. Spill."

"He didn't say anything. But he is attracted to you…obviously." That makes her grin again. "But I don't think you should try molesting him in hallways any more."

She raises that single brow. "Worked well the first time."

Ronon laughs. After a moment, he remembers what he really needs to ask, even though he doesn't feel it's his place. "Have you…"

"What?"

"Spoken to the doctor about…what happened?"

"Nope. It'll just fuel the rumors. I didn't even tell Cadman and she was there."

Ronon shifts on the bed suddenly wanting to run from the room. "I'm just wondering… about the reason the Ancients made-"

"Oh…unsafe sex. I seriously doubt the man's got any…" she stops, watching him, seeing the confusion in his face. Something sparkles in her eyes and she nods: "Gotcha."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry your pretty head, sweetie." She kisses the top of his head. "No babies from this girl."

Ronon's still not comfortable but now he's intrigued. "How can you know?"

To his surprise Jax pulls down her sweatpants a little and exposes a small white scar in the middle of her lower stomach below her navel. "That's why." She pulls up her pants. "I had a little bit of surgery about five years into my government funded captivity."

"Surgery?"

She waves her hand. "No womb. All gone. Saved me tons on feminine products, not to mention never getting cramps again. Though I still get PMS, but I attribute that to the ovaries and…well, putting up with men's shit." Ronon stares at her, not understanding a word. She smiles. "I can't have babies. No worries."

"I'm…sorry."

Jax scoffs. "Please. I knew when I was twelve that I never wanted to get pregnant. Vomiting, swollen feet, stretch marks, bad back, excess hormones. Hell—that's what that is. Nine months of hell." She laughs, waving both her hands in the air. "No maternal instinct what-so-ever, here. And I'm nobody's roll model. Only like kids that will…go away. That's the great thing about this place, you know? No kids. Well, except for the ones on the mainland."

Ronon's never heard a woman speak this way. All he's ever known is that females strive to become mothers, raise strong families. He's even more disturbed by the fact that she's so happy about this. "You really…like this?"

"Hell yeah," She laughs. "I never had a ticking biological clock. My mother went nuts when I told her to stop giving me baby dolls to play mommy with. She kept telling me I'd change my mind…that someday…" She stops, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Well. She didn't get to see that someday because it never came." She shakes her head. "I figured, who knows me better than me? Losing that annoying piece of monthly torture was the best decision of my life. Freeing actually. One less curse to deal with." She smirks.

Ronon watches her for any sign that she's not being completely truthful with him, but sees none. She truly believes that not having children is best. Ronon knew Jax still had mysteries hidden beneath the surface, but he never would have imagined something so…different. How could she not want to have children? It doesn't make sense. How else can people survive the Wraith?

He sees worry cross her features. "You okay, Ronon?" He's speechless. Deep down, he knew there had to be things about her that he wouldn't like, but something so…unnatural as… "Ronon?"

He shakes his head. "I don't understand…why?"

Her brows rise on her forehead. "You want my list of reasons? It's pretty long and kinda cynical."

"But with the Wraith…"

Jax's head rolls sideways: "Oh." She nods. "Okay. Where I come from, there are a lot of people. Too many, in fact, for the planet to accommodate. Now, I'm not altruistic, I did this strictly for myself. But women on Earth, for the most part, get to have sex just like men and decide whether or not to procreate—or at least they still could when I left."

She looks at him with concern. "And I just told you about the happy parents to be. Lily is going to be popping out the first of the next generation in about five or six months." Jax grins. "She's going to be a cool mom, that's for sure. And Charlie…very cool dad." She looks at Ronon squarely. "So, you see. There's never going to be a shortage of people on Earth."

"Unless the Wraith make it there."

"Yeah, well. There is that." He sees a flicker in her eyes. "Then again, if the Wraith could go? I'd pony up every single politician, religious official and power hungry megalomaniac to be first on their to-suck-dry list." Ronon believes she's joking…maybe.

She smiles at him. "Don't worry big guy. I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities for little rug-rats of your own. Who knows…maybe I'll even baby-sit." She looks at him sharply. "For an hour at most." She raises her eyes to the ceiling then looks at him again. "And only if they're sleeping." She grins and Ronon's quite sure she isn't joking this time.

They stare at each other for a long time. He can see the concern in her eyes. The worry that this is one too many secrets. That he sees her differently because she made this choice. Ronon's never been to Earth, can't really imagine a planet with too many people on it, let alone women who wish not to have children. But that's him. He knows they have differences, they have to…she's from a whole other galaxy, which is something he can't really contemplate. Her smile falters as she waits for him to say something. Ronon takes a deep breath. "No maternal instinct?"

"Not a drop."

Ronon nods, finding a small smile. "Sheppard will be relieved."

"I'm sure he will." She narrows her gaze again. "You don't think he'd find that enticing…never mind." She folds her arms, considering him. "You know if it had been Teyla instead of Cadman. You would've been worrying about the patter of little feet as well."

"You think so, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm psychic." She sits on the bed again. "Plus, whenever she looks at you… it's lusty."

"Lusty?"

"C'mon. You're hot…she's hot-"

"You think I'm hot?"

She slaps his chest. "I'm not blind. Just got a single-track mind is all." She starts to droll in a low uninflected voice: "John Sheppard, John Sheppard, John Sheppard," she grins. "It's like a mantra really. Besides, you know you're all that." Jax shrugs. "And, Teyla's a wu-man… sure she's got all the parts and the maternal instinct to use 'em."

"You see that?"

"I'm not the only one. Seems you are a hot topic at girl's poker night." She giggles. "Well, according to Cadman, everyone's a hot topic…but mostly the men. She's invited me to their next game."

Ronon's grinning, now. Jax is special…he's known that for a while. He can't judge her decisions. They are a part of who she is; though, he does wonder what might be at the top of her list of reasons. Ronon can guess somewhere on it there's something about not wanting to bring a new life into a world that kept taking away those she loved. "So. You and Cadman are staying friends?"

She pats his leg then leans back against him again. "Yeah, we bonded over the whole water balloon/pheromone debacle. She's cool. But…"

"What?"

"It's hard having to lie so much, especially now."

"Why?"

"Because, silly. I'm getting all comfy. I might slip, let out a bit of truth, get myself in trouble."

"Out here?"

"Hey, you never know with those guys," she sighs, though Ronon doesn't sense any fear coming from her. She feels safe here. "Gotta keep myself top secret. Just the way it is." She leans her head against his shoulder and looks up at him. "Don't you feel special," she grins. "You're the only one who gets to know me…Angie." Her tone is playful, but her eyes flicker with a bit of fear, as if she's worried he doesn't want to know her.

Ronon kisses her forehead. "Yes. I'm very lucky." Jax smiles and nestles in to watch the rest of the show.