21

"We found it!" Sheppard says a bit too loudly as he and Ronon enter Dr. Weir's office. Her eyes open wide as she quickly shuts the door. They move to the far end of the office where the Colonel sits on the sofa with Dr. Weir next to him. Ronon stands, arms crossed, legs stiff from their recent adventure.

As Sheppard describes the location to Dr. Weir, Ronon rubs his neck. His hair is still damp from the snow Teyla, McKay and Sheppard threw at him. They seemed to have great fun attacking him with the soft ice. Surprisingly, he too had fun getting back at each of them individually. They spent over an hour having a 'snowball fight'. He's never seen Sheppard so ecstatic about something. The man truly is a boy at heart.

"Sounds perfect," Dr. Weir says, grinning, her eyes twinkling. Ronon hasn't been able to decipher her age, but when she smiles, she looks years younger. "Now all I have to do is get that damn red-tape cleared up," she grumbles.

"Still no word, yet?" Sheppard asks.

She shakes her head. "I'm tempted to send a message directly to the general." She glances at them, her eyes widen again, realizing she let something slip. "Anyway. At least I have some good news. We have fresh fruit and vegetables and a new shipment of chocolate candy bars. Oh and the massage tables have arrived, finally."

Sheppard's eyes brighten then a slight blush creeps up his neck and he clears his throat. Ronon shakes his head, letting a smirk take hold. It's been weeks and still Sheppard's afraid to be alone around Jax. The man's not that subtle about his constant attraction these days either. Whenever she's around, he turns into a sputtering fool who can't look her in the eyes. He stammers over his words and only looks at her in quick glimpses. It's very amusing.

And it's different from how he still looks at Dr. Weir. With her, he smiles easily, relaxes into conversation, his eyes always seeking out hers. And when she leaves, his gaze follows her with a bit of hunger.

There's a knock on the door jarring all three. "Come in," Dr. Weir says.

Col. Caldwell steps inside, eyeing them in his usual superior manner. The man can't seem to hide his resentment. "The Daedalus is still unloading. Where do I have the tables sent?"

Dr. Weir gets up and goes to her desk. "We have three small rooms near the infirmary set aside for massage therapy." She shows him the rooms on the data pad. "They're right next to each other. And quite close to a transporter."

"Very well." He turns to head out.

"Colonel?" He turns to face her again. "Any mail for my people?"

He nods, his face smug. "It's already been handled."

Dr. Weir watches him with suspicion. "Handled?"

"I had several of my staff deliver it already."

"Really?" She leans a hip against the side of her desk, arms crossed, eyes dangerous. Sheppard and Ronon catch each other watching the scene carefully. Ronon wonders if they should leave, but the look Sheppard's giving him is slightly amused. Dr. Weir tilts her head, her eyes steady on the other man. "That's hardly protocol, Colonel."

"I felt it would be easier, given your workload. Save you some time."

Ronon doesn't believe him. The Colonel holds too much anger inside to do anything simply out of kindness. Ronon notices Sheppard and Dr. Weir also don't believe the man's actions are without motive.

"You felt that, did you?" She sneers, though still keeping her tone level, professional. "In the future, Colonel. Please refrain from trying to make my workload easier. I happen to enjoy handing out the mail. Let's me keep in touch with my staff. Who are, after all, my staff."

Before Caldwell can rebut, the alarm sounds throughout the city. All of them rush into the Control Room, hearing the Stargate engage. The shield comes up immediately. "Unscheduled activation," the man at the board calls.

Dr. Weir's by the technician's side and Sheppard's instantly behind her. "Who is it?"

The wormhole shuts down an instant later, leaving them all staring at the gate in wonder. Dr. Weir looks at the technician. "Data burst, Dr. Weir. From the SGC."

She nods. "E-mails?"

The technician shakes his head. "No ma'am. Single message to you. Confidential."

She wrinkles her brows at the technician. "Send it to my data pad." She locks eyes with Sheppard before returning to her office. Both Sheppard and Caldwell follow so Ronon tags along as well. Dr. Weir sits at her desk and taps on her data pad. Her eyes widen as she reads. Moments later, they level harshly onto Caldwell. "Well, Colonel, seems like I'm not the only one who's going to be surprised by the change in protocol."

He shakes his head. "Like I said, doctor. I just felt it would be easier-"

"Well," she stands suddenly, her hands flat on her desk. "I'll be sure to include your feelings in my report to General O'Neill." Caldwell's face loses some of the smugness and his lips twitch. She looks at Ronon. "Have you seen Jax today?"

"She has mess duty. We were on our way after-"

Dr. Weir nods. "I would appreciate it if you could bring her here…immediately."

Sheppard's eyes narrow. "What's going on, Elizabeth?"

"Sorry, John." She shakes her head. "Classified." She glances back at Caldwell. "I believe you have a ship to unload, Colonel." Caldwell nods and heads out, giving Sheppard a glare as usual. Dr. Weir takes her seat again. A worried look creasing her brows. "Please Ronon. It's important."

Ronon nods once and heads out.

"She's not here," Owen says, wiping down a table.

"Isn't she working the night shift?"

The older man nods. "Supposed to be. She was here, but left in a huff a while ago. Don't know why, I was just coming in."

Ronon thanks the man and heads into the back where he finds Cassie already washing dishes while Jeff dries. He's gotten friendly with them since that first night Jax washed his hair and they don't mind it when he joins them. "Hey, Ronon," Jeff says. He's a good kid, but not the 'brightest crayon in the box' Jax once said.

"Do you know where Jax went?"

"Nope," he and Cassie say at the same time. Then Cassie looks up from her work. "She was pissed though. Haven't seen her like that in a long time. Not since you two got together."

Ronon knows about the rumors and he and Jax have decided not to bother fighting them. No one seems to understand that a man and a woman can care about each other without physical needs getting in the way. It does make him feel good to know that others have seen a change in her since they entered each others lives. Ronon would never have imagined himself as a good influence on someone. "What upset her?"

"Who knows," Jeff says with quizzical brows. "I try to stay away from her when she's in a bad mood."

"Probably a smart move," Ronon says then thanks them.

As he leaves, they say: "No problem," at the same time.

Ronon knocks on Dr. Weir's door, even though it's open. She looks up from her work. When she sees he's alone, her face falls and the worry returns. "Where is she?"

"She left work early, in a bad mood. I'll find her."

"Crap!" she gasps, looking to the side.

Startled, Ronon takes a step inside the room. "Dr. Weir? What is happening?"

She holds up a finger as her other hand taps her headset. "Col. Sheppard, please come to my office." She shakes her head. "Damn Caldwell. Damn the military and its out-dated procedures!"

"You're worried."

She nods as she gets up from her chair. "This is a difficult situation." She turns away from him and starts to pace, running her fingers through her hair. "Damn. I should have been there."

Sheppard rushes in behind Ronon. He must not have been too far away to make it so quickly. "What's up?"

Dr. Weir turns to both of them, her hands on her hips. "Jax needs to be found right away."

"She wasn't-" he looks at Ronon who shakes his head. He shrugs, looking back at Dr. Weir. "Go citywide, give her a holler."

"That's not a good idea," Dr. Weir says. "It may draw unwanted attention. Besides, I doubt she'd respond."

"I can find her," Ronon says firmly.

"It's a big city."

Ronon shakes his head. "If she's upset there are only a few places she'll go. I can find her."

Dr. Weir shakes her head. "Not fast enough, I'm afraid." She looks at Sheppard. "Coordinate with Major Lorne, Sgt. Stackhouse and Lt. Franks for a city search."

Sheppard closes the gap between them. "Elizabeth. We need to know what's happening."

Ronon watches the emotions and conflict cloud the woman's face. She desperately wants to tell, but is not permitted. One thing about Dr. Weir, she is a woman of trust and conviction. She does not break that trust even at crucial times. It's a matter of honor. But Ronon knows Jax. Knows the secrets. "Is she in danger?" he asks, prompting Sheppard to turn to him.

Dr. Weir nods. "She could be…yes."

That gets both him and Sheppard moving. They leave Dr. Weir and go into the Control Room. Sheppard orders the internal sensors to be brought up so they can see if anyone is outside the designated areas. "Sorry, Colonel. Dr. Zelenka's running maintenance tests on the board."

"Zelenka," Sheppard taps his earpiece. "This is Sheppard. How soon can you get the sensors up?" He waits. "Well that's not good enough." With a huff, Sheppard looks at Ronon. "Guess we do it the old fashioned way."

"Which is?"

"Our eyes. Let's go."

Sheppard orders the three other teams plus McKay and Teyla to meet in the Gate Room in five minutes, full gear.

Once everyone is gathered, Ronon tells them where to look. Sheppard sends Stackhouse's team to the South Pier where they had the water balloon fight, Lorne's team to the West pier where they found her dancing alone and Franks team the East pier where the gym is located. Their team will check the North side. Ronon's sure she'll be at her private range—even though she hasn't been down there since the attack by Bugman—and he doesn't want anyone coming up on her while she has a gun or knife in her hand.

"Radio in the moment you've spotted her. She's probably in a bad mood, but that doesn't mean you shoot her, got it?" Sheppard jokes. "But it is important we find her and bring her to Dr. Weir A-sap. I can't give you more than that. As it's need to know…and I…well, don't."

Stackhouse and Lorne exchange confused glances but nod as does Franks and all three lead their groups to the nearest transporter. McKay and Teyla hang back, looking just as confused. "Why is she so important suddenly?" McKay asks.

Sheppard glowers at the scientist. "You're one to talk, McKay. After what you did to her."

"What I…that was not my fault. Besides, she hasn't activated anything since. She's being overly cautious, requiring me to read all the information to her before she touches a thing."

"I am not surprised," Teyla says. She looks to Ronon. "You know her best. You believe she will be in the North side?"

"Yeah."

"Then let's go," Sheppard says, leading the way to the transporter.

Stepping off the transporter, both Sheppard and Teyla stop for a moment to look around… remembering. Ronon knows how hard it was for Teyla to have to shoot at the Colonel. But it was even harder for her not to shoot him when he almost attacked her. She's since gone beyond the incident, but seeing the corridor again seems to have brought it back to both of them.

Sheppard's wary as he looks around. Ronon leads the way; they have some walking to do before getting to the room. He told them not to call out to her. It'll only anger her that he's brought them down to her sanctuary.

As they pass the corridor off-shoot that Ronon found Jax in after the attack, Sheppard stops and stares down it. His brows crease as confusion floods his face. "Colonel?" Teyla asks, making him turn to her.

He shakes his head. "I just had the strangest feeling."

"What?" McKay asks.

Sheppard tilts his head and licks his lips, thinking. "I was sure she'd be down there."

Teyla knows what happened and has sworn not to inform Sheppard, though she does not like keeping things from the Colonel. She looks to Ronon. "Should we go that way?"

Ronon says a firm, "No." Then leads the way toward the pier.

The red lights glow into the corridor but no sound echoes from the large room. He knows before entering that Jax in not inside. But she was…recently. As Ronon enters, he's struck by the mess. Sheppard, Teyla and McKay follow him inside and immediately go about looking over the paper targets littering the floor, mostly in shreds. Along the far wall, four targets are tacked with Jax's daggers through the head.

Sheppard picks up two halves of one target, holding them to the light. He stares at the precision shots, including one in the forehead, then glares at Ronon. "You should have told me about this."

Ronon looks away. "We need to get back." He was certain she'd be here. This is her place.

Sheppard taps his headset. "Anybody found her yet?" He shakes his head.

"She is extremely talented," Teyla says eyeing the targets that are not completely destroyed. She moves to the wall and pulls out one of the daggers, with some effort. "And strong."

McKay grumbles. "She's not armed…right?" He glances around, eyes wide with fear. "I mean, she wouldn't come at us. Right?"

Ronon looks at the table as Sheppard turns to it. The red bag is there as is her handgun. Sheppard picks up the gun. "Fully loaded. Safety off."

Jax never leaves her weapons behind. And she never leaves her gun with the safety off. Ronon taps his headset. "Dr. Weir?"

"Ronon? Go ahead."

"I suggest you check Jax's quarters. She is not where I expected her to be."

"I already thought of that, Ronon. I didn't find her." Dr. Weir sighs. "Perhaps one of the other teams will." He could hear the worry in the commander's voice.

Having found the practice room empty, Ronon feels a coldness in the pit of his stomach. "Perhaps." He clicks off. Maybe she's on the balcony he enjoys. "I have another idea." Ronon leads the way to the balcony. It is empty.

Two hours later, Ronon and Sheppard are back in Dr. Weir's office. The teams found no trace of Jax, leaving the three of them on edge. "She didn't go to the mainland," Dr. Weir states. "She's here somewhere." She looks pointedly at Ronon. "You're certain she doesn't have some other place she would go to…hide."

"Hide?" Sheppard's brows shoot up. Dr. Weir glances at him momentarily.

Ronon's at a loss. He knows Jax better than anyone and yet, he can't find her when he desperately needs to.

Just then, Dr. McKay bursts into the room. "I've got her."

"What?" Dr. Weir shoots out of her chair. "Where?"

McKay leads them back out to the Control Room and points at the internal sensor board that's now fully functional. "It just came back on-line."

"So where is she?" Dr. Weir asks.

"It's the strangest thing, really. I wouldn't have even noticed if it hadn't been-"

"McKay," Sheppard says at the same time Dr. Weir snaps: "Rodney!"

McKay takes a breath. "She's in Ronon's quarters."

Everyone turns to him. He's just as shocked as they are. "Mine?" Jax has only been in his quarters once. They've only ever spent time in hers. She must have gone there looking for him.

McKay points to the glowing dot. "Well, someone is. And since you're here, I'm fairly certain it isn't you."

Ronon's on the move. He can hear Sheppard coming up behind him.

They're outside his quarters within a few minutes, but Ronon can't open the door. He waves his hand over the controls three times, but the door won't budge. Sheppard tries next. Still nothing. "What the hell?" Sheppard radios McKay. "Open it." McKay's refuting answer makes Sheppard glare. "Then get your ass down here now. Sheppard out." He looks at Ronon. "We have to try it manually."

Sheppard knocks on the door. "Jax? It's Colonel Sheppard. Open the door."

Ronon shakes his head. "You're wasting your time."

"Well it's my time to waste." He pounds on the door again. "Jax. Unlock the door."

The five minutes it takes McKay to show up are five minutes Ronon's afraid Jax doesn't have. After pounding on the door several times, Sheppard gave up trying to get through to her. Ronon knows she's in the room and that cold surge returns to his stomach followed by a shiver traveling down his spine.

McKay works the crystals in the panel with his usual attitude. "She managed to rewrite the sub-systems."

"Why?" Sheppard asks.

McKay looks at the Colonel with annoyance. "I'm assuming to keep people out."

"Just open it, McKay. She needs help," Ronon growls.

"How do you know that?" McKay asks raising his brows.

"I can smell the blood." Sheppard and McKay look at him then McKay quickly gets back to work.

The lock releases and the door swishes open. The room's icy cold and pitch black as only the lights from the corridor penetrate. Ronon doesn't see her at first. His eyes take a moment to adjust to the dark. He steps inside, holding a hand up to keep Sheppard and McKay back. He doesn't turn on the lights.

She's sitting in the desk chair that every room has; her back to the door as she faces the window on the far side of the room.

The broken window. There's a gaping hole in the lower middle portion of the stained glass. Ronon can guess she punched her hand through it even before he sees the blood dripping from the fist hanging at her side, leaving a thick puddle on the floor.

Ronon glances at Sheppard. "Call the doctor." Then he slowly moves toward Jax. He sits on the side of the bed and stares at her profile. She doesn't move. Doesn't acknowledge his presence, she simply stares out the damaged window. She doesn't even blink.

Moving around the chair, Ronon squats in front of her. Her right hand, tightly fisted, is at her side, bleeding onto his floor, but her left hand is curled around a long, thick shard of window glass. She's holding the sharp point against her throat. He can see blood on her skin, but it doesn't look like she's cut herself too bad, except for the palm of her hand. He can see the trail of blood going down her arm to the elbow.

"Jax." He says softly. She doesn't respond. She doesn't look at him at all, in fact. Her open eyes are not focused on anything, not even the window. Her slack face is wet with tears, but her eyes no longer drip. And she still doesn't blink.

He gently touches her face. Her skin is icy. She must have been sitting in front of the window for hours, letting the cold wind blow onto her. "Angela?"

Nothing.

He hears commotion in the hall and then both Sheppard and Dr. Beckett come into the room. Again Ronon holds up a hand. "Wait." He cups Jax's chin in one hand, lifting her head away from the glass shard. With his free hand, he peels her fingers open and takes the glass from her. She doesn't resist, it slides away easily enough. Her hand doesn't drop or move. The fingers stick out exactly as he left them. He drops the glass and cups her face in both his hands turning her so he can look into her eyes. What he sees breaks his heart.

Emptiness.

The body is just a shell.

Jax is gone.

Ronon releases her and steps back against the wall. "All yours, doc."

Beckett rushes forward and Sheppard backs up as two male nurses enter, pushing a gurney. They lift Jax out of the chair as if she's nothing more than a bag of grain and lay her onto the mobile bed, gently molding her into a flat position. She doesn't fight, doesn't move, doesn't seem to notice.

"Wait," Sheppard steps to the right side of the gurney.

"We have to go, Colonel," Beckett warns.

Sheppard peels open Jax right hand as Ronon just did the left, revealing a wadded up piece of paper. He takes it and then looks at Jax for a long moment. His hand touches her neck where the blood is and that look he got earlier in the corridor returns. Beckett pushes the gurney through the door without Sheppard saying anything.

Suddenly, the Colonel's angry eyes are on Ronon. "Why didn't you tell me," he growls from deep in his chest. His eyes widen, full of restrained fury. "How dare you not tell me!"

"What?" McKay asks from behind Sheppard.

Ronon shakes his head. "Because it's not about you, Sheppard. It's what she wanted. Jax is the reason you're still alive, by the way. I was ready to kill you."

"What?" McKay squeaks. "When."

"Never mind," they say together.

Ronon can see Sheppard's stewing in his anger and that it will be some time before he can come to terms with it, with himself. Instead of lashing out again, he takes his frustration out on the paper in his hand. It tears as he roughly unravels the wad. When he reads it silently, his expression darkens.

McKay asks, "What is it?"

Sheppard sighs heavily, running his hand through his hair. "We regret to inform you of the death of Major Charles Montgomery…" he trails off, looking at Ronon.

"Oh no," McKay says softly.

"KIA. Details classified," Sheppard adds with a heavy exhale.

Ronon hangs his head as he leans against the wall. This could be the one loss she can't overcome.

Ronon, Sheppard, McKay and Dr. Weir watch from the sidelines as the doctor and nurses rush about trying to stave off the blood as it flows from both of Jax's hands. Dr. Beckett checks her neck, declaring the lacerations minor in comparison and Dr. Weir sighs. "Thank God."

Sheppard looks over at Dr. Weir. "This is what you were afraid of?"

She nods and McKay gapes at her. Keeping his voice low: "You knew she'd try to kill herself?"

"Try?" Dr. Weir grunts. "I figured she'd succeed. It's not like she didn't have plenty of time." Dr. Weir curses under her breath, but Ronon clearly hears her spit Caldwell's name. She shakes her head. "Jax tends to finish what she starts." She looks to Ronon. "Am I wrong?"

"No."

Sometime later, Dr. Beckett comes over to the group to give his report. "She's stabile for now. Breathing and heart rate low but within the normal range. We've managed to clean up the lacerations. She needed several stitches in her left palm, but didn't cut any tendons. Her right fist had multiple cuts and punctures from embedded glass. She lost a bit of blood. I'm surprised she didn't break her hand that glass is nearly an inch think."

Ronon steps forward. "Can I talk to her?"

Beckett shakes his head. "Not yet, son. I need to run some more tests. I can't be certain until the EEG but I believe she's catatonic."

Everyone except Ronon sighs. "What is that?"

"It a dissociative state. She's withdrawn into herself to the point where she doesn't experience reality as we see it. It's possible she has no conscious thought what-so-ever. She can't move voluntarily and doesn't react to external stimuli, including pain. Something like this is generally seen associated with schizophrenia, but it has been documented in people with PTSD." He looks pointedly at Dr. Weir. "Which I'm guessing from our last encounter with the young lass is exactly what we are dealing with."

Ronon glances at Jax. The nurses are carefully bandaging her hands. "So, there's a battle going on inside her."

"Anything's possible at this juncture," Beckett says.

Ronon nods with conviction. "Part of her wants to die, is tired of fighting, of losing so much. But the other part, the survivor… wants to live."

Sheppard locks his eyes on Ronon. "Which do you think will win?"

Ronon crosses his arms. After a moment: "Angela."

From the corner of his eye, he can see McKay raise a finger and look around the group. "And…who is that, exactly?"