Mutants make good cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense"
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ACT 6 – Breasts of buckwheat
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We open in New Orleans, where the Wanders has stopped in a station. Forge is rifling through his costumes, looking for something to wear for the fancy dress.
"Gypsy Queen", he says, flicking through them, "pirate….AH! How about this?"
He pulls out a costume, holding it to Pietro.
"You can come as my manservant"
Pietro blinks at it, before putting a fake voice.
"Why s-ir master Forge!", he says, "oh, I swears, I'd be delighted! I'll siiing , I'll dances for-y' sir, and I swears no of dme otder white folks'll know dat.."
He narrows his eyes, going back to his normal voice.
"I'd rather shoot myself than be your damned manservant!"
"You have to wear something", points out Forge, "It's a costume party"
Pietro shakes his head, pulling his gun off the shelf.
"Well, this is all I need to wear right here"
"Alright", sighs Forge, "If you insist on wearing a firearm, I have something you'll find most intriguing. I designed it to go with this"
Forge pulls out a sleek black dress, and hold up a little brooch, which opens to reveal a tiny derringer.
"It's like the noisy cricket!", giggles Todd. (1)
Pietro blinks at it pointedly.
"Pietro West does not wear costumes"
"No?", blinks Todd, "what about all the stuff I found in your wardrobe…"
"SHUT UP!", screams Pietro.
"Very well", sighs Forge, "what's your plan?"
"How about this?", says Pietro, "I was thinking I'd go as a government agent, who is going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McCreed"
"An armed Mutant cowboy costume in a room full of Southern humans", says Forge, "you'll win first prize"
"Better than a Native American walking into a room full of cowboys in the old west", mutters Pietro.
"Now listen", says Forge, ignoring his comment, "the art of disguise is whet we need to get into the party, in order to find the kidnapped scientists before they're forced to create something that will destroy the United States. You and I have been hand picked, by the president himself. Our freedom is at stake, and this is our duty as men! Now, you go as a riverboat captain and I'll be a saloon girl"
Pietro blinks.
"Let me tell you something about your beloved 'art of disguise', Forge", he says, "that night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman"
Forge looks hurt….which is slightly frightening.
"I was propositioned by three men"
"And you should be proud of this?", asks Todd.
"You looked nasty", says Pietro, "butt ugly. I mean your breasts were…hard and stiff and sticking up like a couple of rusty cannons on a sunken ship"
Forge pulls out his fake breasts, slinging them on.
"These breasts are a work of art", he sniffs, "aesthetically and scientifically perfect"
Pietro blinks at them.
"They look like shit", he says pointedly.
Forge arches a brow.
"Touch it"
"I'm not touching those things", says Pietro
Neither realize Logan is walking past with a coffee.
"What you're afraid you're wrong?", asks Forge, "touch my breasts"
Logan. Stops. Dead.
"And the rumors start", sighs Forge.
Logan can see Forge form the back, not seeing the fact he's wearing fake boobs.
"Are you happy, Forge?", asks Pietro, reaching out, "I'm touching your breasts"
There are a few muffled snorts from backstage. Logan sighs, shaking his head in disgust.
"I knew it"
"Squeeze it gently!", frowns Forge, taking the fake breast out of it's holder, "now you've shifted all the buckwheat around!"
"Buckwheat?", asks Pietro, taking it from Forge, "that's your problem"
"What are you doing?", asks Forge.
Pietro empties the buckwheat into the sink, then fills the rbeast with water, then walks over, holding it to his chest.
"Now touch my breast"
Logan pauses again.
"Oh", blinks Forge, doing so.
"Now that's what a breast is supposed to feel like", says Pietro proudly
"Very nice", says Forge in agreement.
"Now touch yourself", says Pietro.
"Oh my god, I'm horrid!", says Forge.
Logan shakes his head.
"I'm gonna get my ears hacked off, maybe it'll be out of my memory by the time they grow back"
Forge flick his arm out, a box appearing from his sleeve. Pietro instinctively pulls a gun out on him.
"I was just going to jot down a note", says Forge, flicking open the notepad.
"You know, you could put a gun on that thing", says Pietro, tapping the pen.
"Then where would I put my pencil?", asks Forge logically..to him.
"Forge, I think you underestimate the convience of a pocket", says Pietro, heading out.
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(1) – From MIB, which Will Wmith also played a lead role? Get the irony? No. Oh well.
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