Mutants make good cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said 'Oh I just don't know'"
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ACT 7 - Masquerade!
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Outside the Xavier Institute, Pietro lands from where he has been hanging on the bottom of a wagon. He pauses as a violin riff starts up. (1)
"What the hell?", he blinks, then heads towards a tree to climb up.
"What are you doing here, Boy?", says Guy Spears, walking over with a glare.
Pietro takes off his hat, looking nervous.
"I sorry, Sir. I was hopin'…I was hopin' I wouldn't..", Pietro suddenly punches him in the face, making him hit the ground with a thunk, "have to break your nose"
"Oww", groans Spears from the floor.
Pietro climbs up a tree and into a room, which he looks around boredly.
"Human folks", he mutters.
"You sound and look like your dad", says Todd, "Mini Mags!"
"I am not my father!", snaps Pietro.
He pauses as he hears a commotion next door. He looks to see Mystique in a skimpy outfit, trailed by Kitty, Wanda and Rogue, also in skimpy outfits.
"Get your hand off me!", snaps Mystique, "put me in the dungeon with all those smell, dirty, bearded men, but I'm not getting on that"
She points at a bed, which is covered with shackles dangling down from the ceiling.
"Looks like something she'd use", says Todd thoughtfully.
"You applied for the position", says Rogue
"A standing up position!", complains Mystique, "I'm an entertainer!"
Without much care, Wanda grabs her by the neck and drags her along.
"Stop complaining, you'll enjoy it"
"I bet she would", smirks Pietro, "roooowl!"
"I will kill you", growls Mystique.
Pietro shakes his head, opening a door and heading out into a party, where everyone is in fancy dress. They suddenly and randomly burst into song.
Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade! (2)
Pietro blinks, then steps back into his room. He pauses for a few moments, opening the door to see everyone milling around boredly.
"I knew we should never have let TF watch that damn musical", says Todd, "boy, did that come back ta kick us in the butt"
Pietro goes to light a cigar, when Jubilee appears.
"Man, Todd Fan hardly ever uses me anymore!", grins Jubilee.
"That's 'cause you bore her", says Todd pointedly.
Jubilee ignores him, walking over to Pietro.
"An authentic cowboy outfit", she smirks, "what a terribly clever costume, Mr…?"
"West", says Pietro, tipping his hat, "Pietro West"
"West", says Jubilee, "well, West meets East. Jubilation East"
She grimaces.
"That's just…awful"
Pietro tips his hat again as Jubilee stalks around him in a circle, like a vulture eyeing a scrap of meat.
"Are you here alone, Mr. West?", she asks.
"Actually, I'm looking to surprise an old friend, General McCreed", says Pietro, "you haven't seen him by chance?"
"I don't think that name was on our guest list", says Jubilee, "and I would know, I'm Dr. Guthrie's personal assistant"
"Dr. Samuel Guthrie?", asks Pietro, "funny, some folks think he's dead"
"Tonight is his coming out party", says Jubilee.
"Hah!", laughs Pietro, "you know, it's always the quiet ones…."
"Not that sort of coming out!", snaps Todd, "you should know, we had one for you last year, Pie"
"That was not funny", grumbles Pietro.
Jubilee smiles, taking Pietro by the arm, leading him to the staircase.
"See anybody that looks familiar?"
Pietro spots a 'Dora' in the crowd, holding a mask to her face.
"A matter of fact, I do"
"I'm jealous", pouts Jubilee.
"Don't be", smirks Pietro.
Jubilee smiles, walking down the stairs.
"Meet me later", she purrs, "in the foyer"
With that, she disappears into the crowd.
"SCORE!", says Pietro, then walks downstairs.
He watches as Wanda, Rogue, Kitty and Jubilee start to sing in fornt of a clear wall with a spider web design.
"Cool, Peter Parker!", says Pietro.
"No…not Peter Parker", sighs Todd.
A hug statue of Lincon's head appears, wheeling into the middle of the crowd. The head explodes as Sam pokes his head out.
"Don't you just hate that song?", he asks.
Wanda and Rogue open the doors of the statue and Sam wheel out on a bizarre modified wheelchair. Thanks to special effects, it appears he has nothing from his waist down.
"This is a really had gizmo to squease into", whimpers Sam, "it hurts ma'h long legs"
"Don't care", says Todd.
"Why ya'll look like you've seen a ghost", says Sam, "It's me dear friends, alive an' kicking…..well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humour. Not even when we lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty five feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the South. Do we ever lose our sense of humour?"
"Actually, it's a good think he can't reproduce", says Todd, "there are enough Guthries as it is"
"Hey!", says Sam, hurt, "that's not nice"
"Oh yeah, Todd", says Pietro dryly, "he makes a great villain"
"Now a'h owe a deep debt of gratitude to our friend from across the sea for their comfort and kindness", he says, nodding at Lucas, Kurt, Rahne and Moira, who hopped over despite not being in Evo world, "so, me cassa 'e sucassa. Betcom shevu!"
"You mangled that, Sam", says Todd, "but I'll forgive you"
"Let the party begin!", grins Sam, then smirks as Pietro walks down the stairs towards him, "Mr. West. How nice of you to join us an' add genetics to these proceedings..wait a'hm a mutant too, why does this make no sense?"
"Because", says Todd simply.
"Well, when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to stand up, be counted", grins Pietro.
"Miss East informs me you were expectin' ta see General McCreed here", says Sam, "well, a'h knew him years ago, but a'h haven't seen him in a 'coon's age"
"What the hell's a 'coon'?", blinks Pietro, "well, I can see why it would be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even half the people you know"
"Perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a slave to your disappointment", retorts Sam.
"Well, you know beautiful women", smirks Pietro, "they encourage you one minute, then cut the legs out from under you the next"
"…Will you excuse me Mr. West?", says Sam wheeling off.
"I win the match of the puns!", sheers Pietro.
Sabertooth is waiting outside of Sam's office, scratching his ear and growling. As Sam arrives, then vanish into his office.
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(1) – Cape Fear, anyone?
(2) – Masquerade, from The Phantom of the Opera. Sorry. I can't help it.
Onwards, ho!