Mutants make good cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Uh, I forgot how my muscles work"
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ACT 8 – A hanging
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After Sam has left, Pietro heads off to do some snooping, passing by 'Dora' on the way, who is talking to a big woodsman with a big beard.
"You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle", he says, putting an arm around 'Dora' and giving the man a wink.
When he saunters off, 'Dora' lowers her mask to reveal Callisto, who looks shocked.
""Stupid cowboy", says the woodsman, obviously now Forge, "he mistake you for me"
Pietro sneaks to Sam's office, listening in on the conversation.
"Ever since the guns and the nitro were destroyed at Fat Cans", says Sabertooth, "licences an…"
"General, if a'h may interrupt", says Sam, doing so anyway, "your men will have their weapons tonight, an' my promise that they will be part of the biggest military victory of this century. So have your men here at ten o'clock tonight"
He draws an X on a map and hands it to Sabertooth.
"You, Sir are a Pip", says Sabertooth, "I would follow you inot the jaws of Cerberus itself…wait, isn't that a big three headed dog?"
"An' so you shall", says Sam, wheeling ot the exit, Sabertooth following him.
Pietro hides, then sneaks back into Sam's office, rifling around for clues. Meanwhile, Forge notices Wanda and Rogue guarding a room, Mystique screaming from within. Inside the office, Pietro makes a rubbing of the map, as Jubilee sneaks inside. She slams the door, causing Pietro to brandish a knife. She smirks, taking off her robe, revealing a corset.
"Wee!", says Pietro.
"….Hey", says Bobby sadly, "you said that was my special outfit!"
"I lied", says Jubilee, then smirks at Pietro, "I said to meet me in the foyer"
"Well, I've never been much good with French", admits Pietro, "
Jubilee smirks, leaning forward to give Pietro a snog.
"Au contraire", she says, pulling him to his feet, "So lets see Mr. West. Are you a dangerous spy of some sort, or just a handsome cowboy who likes to…poke around"
She sits on the desk, on top of Pietro's paper.
"I believe I'm that second one", says Pietro
"East and West", puurs Jubilee, "never between shall meet"
Form behind Pietro, one of the pictures on the wall comes to life, showing Façade holding a gun. Pietro, with his super-speed thing realises and jumps out of the way, shooting Façade and shooting randomly around the room, as various people fall out of the pictures with a thud. He picks up his paper and makes a break for it. He walks over to 'Dora, grabbing her arm and leading her form the dance floor.
"First of all", he says, "I would like to reiterate that you make on ugly woman"
"Okay", blinks 'Dora' as Pietro dances with her, "so eye patches aren't your thing…fine"
"Secondly", says Pietro, "while you were out here hopping and reeling, I found out that our host Dr. Guthrie is meeting McCreed and his troops at the beach cove in an hour"
"Whaaa?", blinks 'Dora'.
"You go right ahead and enjoy your party, I'm going to I'm going to save the republic", he says, then drums his hands on 'Doras' boobs, "by the way, boobies look great tonight, nice and perky"
'Dora' removes her mask to shoe Callisto and gasps, giving Pietro a slap.
"Damn, that felt good", grins Callisto
The crowd gaps in shock as Forge appears, still in getups, on the stairs, holding up a noose.
"Hang him!", he shouts
Pietro looks at Forge in shock as dozens of guns are trailed on him, as he is dragged outside.
"Looks like we need to teach you a little lesson on how to behave in polite society", growls Nick Fury, dragging Pietro off.
"Never drum on a white ladies boobies at a big redneck dance", says Pietro, "got it. Whoo, sure am glad we got that cleared up"
As Pietro is led to his fate, Forge is exploring. He enters the room where Mystique is being kept, finding her in a cage.
"Oh…excuse me, am I intruding?", he pauses, "….I'm sorry, but I feel as if I know you from somewhere"
"Nice try, Buster", growls Mystique.
"Please, I realise I look like something out of a lying American fable", he says, "but I assure you I mean you no harm. My name's Forge, and if I'm not mistaken, you're in trouble"
"No kidding", says Mystique dryly, "you use all your brain to figure that one out?"
"Allow me", says Forge, pulling out a saw piece.
"I'm Raven", says Mystique, "and I was hired here as an entertainer. Not that I'm complaining, but what are you doing here?"
I'm looking for some missing scientists", says Forge, leaning down to set the foot pump attached to his boot that works the saw, getting a view of Mystique's legs at the same time, "not that I'm complaining"
He yelps as Mystique kicking him in the nose.
"Mystique, you're not supposed ta do that", sighs Todd.
"He's ogling!", snaps Mystique.
"It's in the script!", protests Forge, getting back to his feet, "working the foot pump to make the drill go, trying to cut through Mystique's bars, "I'm a special U.S marshal. On assignment for the president"
'If you're so special", says Mystique, "hoe come are you up here when Guthrie has them all working in the dungeons?"
"I'm afraid the dungeon has already been cleared out, I checked", says Forge, "after sampling the gumbo, which was a bit crappy"
"….I made that gumbo", says Remy sadly.
Forge helps Mystique out, where she smirks in his arms, thunder starting outside.
"Following script!", yelps Forge.
"Thank you, Forge was it?", smiles Mystique, running off.
"It was", Forge blinks, following her, "I don't forget a face that easily…"
Outside, Pietro whistles for the mobs attention, from where he stands by a noose.
"I'd like to have everybody's attention for a moment", he calls, "I do believe we have had a series of major misunderstandings this evening and I'd like to take a minute to clear a few of them up"
He holds up one finger.
"First of which, whole drumming on the boobies thing. In my native land…"
"New York?", asks Nick.
"No, Wundagore!", says Pietro, "My ancestors use drums to communicate between villages. Now I'm sure all of you can see that with this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. On a clear night, we might even get Galveston!"
Everyone nods in agreement as Callisto looks down.
"…Are you saying my breasts are too big?"
"All I was saying was", Pietro mimics drumming, "'Nice dress darling. Good to see you. My name's Pietro. How's your Mamma?'. Then there was the redneck comment, and I'm getting a sense that you all took that negatively. But lets break down that word: Redneck. First word: Red. Colour of passion, fire, power. Second word: Neck….Neck. Alright, I can't think of anything for neck right now, but without it, you all still have red, and that's something to be really proud of. And between us, the whole slavery thing: I don't understand what the big deal was anyway, I mean, come on, who wouldn't want folks running around doing things for them? Doing chores, I mean, are you going to get your big fat ass out of the bed in the morning and pick your own godamn cotton? I don't think so. So come on, you all, lets head on inside! Knock us back some shine, kick this shindig the right way, come on now! Let's go inside!"
"Thatw as the longest and most bizarre speech I've ever heard", says Todd, "I'm sure you've won their hearts"
"Lets hang him!", says Freddy.
"Or not", shrugs Todd.
"Hold on", says Pietro, looking at Callisto, "I stand before you as a man who's realised I've done something wrong. Darlin', I'd like the opportunity to make it right. Will you marry me?"
Callisto gasps in shock.
"That means no", says Pietro, "Listen, would it help at all if I said I thought you was a man?"
Thud, Callisto hits the ground. Pietro falls to the ground, pulling the noose with his, it stretching with him.
"There's something funny about that damned rope!", says Nick.
"Thank you all very much, we had a lovely time!", calls Forge as his cart races past, Pietro using the elastic noose as a catapult, falling onto the cart.
"Hang him, hang him!", shouts Pietro, "I ought to shoot you right now!"
"Allow me to introduce my trigger happy partner, Pietro West", says Forge.
"Ma'm", says Pietro to Mystique.
"Who doesn't realise that my extending rope invention was part of a carefully planned diversion to allow me to search for the missing scientists", says Forge.
"Scientists", says Pietro, looking at Mystique.
"Yes", says Forge, "oh..this is Raven, I found her in a cage in Guthrie's bedroom. She's an entertainer"
"Umm…I'm afraid haven't' been quite honest with you about that", says Mystique, "My name's Raven Wyngarde, I came to find Jason Wyngarde, the scientist, my father"
"Another daughter?", asks Jason backstage, "why do I keep having daughters I don't know about, damnit!"
"Sorry to interrupt you guys", says Pietro, "but I gotta get to the beach cove", with that, he takes one of the horses, who is, of course, Jott, and unhitches it form the cart, riding off ahead.
"He's so…impetuous", says Mystique.
"Yes, he's an idiot", says Forge
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Onwards!