Mutants make good cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Will someone get the kid a happy meal?".
&&&&&
From this point on, we are back to the original text, just re-written form script. Isn't that groovy?
&&&&&&
ACT 9 - Killing Fields.
&&&&&&
We open, strangely enough before shooting, where Todd is talking to a group of mutants
"Okay, people", says Todd, "you know what the plan is, right?"
"Da", nods Piotr, "I pin him down and Comrade Gambit pours the green smelly stuff in his mouth".
"Good boy!", smiles Todd
"I don't know if this 'evil formula' will have any side-effects, Toad...", starts Hank
"It doesn't matter, this scene requires a lot of evilness", says Todd, "and Sam just isn't evil enough".
"I said I should have been cast as the villain", sulks Magneto, "I'm evil enough".
"You don't have a Southern Accent", says Todd, then grins, "..oh look here he comes!".
Sam walks happily onto the set whistling, then gives everyone a wave.
"Howdy, ya'll hope everyone's feelin' fine on this lovely...", Sam pauses, "what are you doing?".
"NOW!", screams Todd.
The mutants tackle Sam to the ground and give him the 'evil formula', Pat pending Henry McCoy. Sam blinks sits up and grins evilly
"Meep!", squeaks Roberto, then blinks, glaring at Jamie, "ahem, I mean, don't need to panic, Jamie, nothing to be scared about".
"I'm not scared...", says Jamie, blinking.
"There there, nothing to be afraid of. Heh heh", Roberto backs away, "...I'm gonna go...sit in my trailer...not that I'm scared...'cause I'm not...".
"Mwhoahahahahhahahahahahhahaha!", laughs Evil-Sam
"Yeah, it worked!", grins Todd, "Okay, onto shooting!".
We open on the Beach Cove. In the water is a little metal tugboat, where Evil Sam, Sabertooth, The girls and a few other random people are. Evil-Sam wheels up to Sabertooth, smoking a cigar.
"Well General", he says, "it's been a loooong journey from New York".
"There's not a day goes by I don't contemplate it", says Sabertooth.
"Lookit, the idiot used a big word", snickers Logan
"Well, so do a'h. If only a'h had the scientific understanding of gunpowder and primers that a'h have today, a'h might have been standin' here", Evil-Sam pauses, "...I would be if a'h wasn't in this NASTY MACHINE!".
"Evil Sam scares me", whimpers Sabertooth, "...That's not what I meant".
"Oh you meant the stomach turnin' carnage that earned you your unfortunate nickname", Evil-Sam smirks, "What was it again?".
"Blood Bath McCreed, the Butcher of New York", mutters Sabertooth.
He looks out over the water to where his army are sitting on the sand)
"Should have been here by now", says Alex
"Maybe we're in the wrong place", tries Bobby.
"No, we were told to wait", says Alex, "right here".
He gets out the map and points to the X
"I know why we're here", whispers Bobby suddenly, "I read the script".
"Yeah, and I thought Todd Fan was beginning to like me….thought she was", whispers Alex, " . Blast the stupid Summers gene!".
"Want to run away?", tries Bobby.
They suddenly hear a trundling sound. They see a big, round tank coming there way, they start to cheer as it goes into the middle of them all and stops. There is nothing for a few minutes, when suddenly, cannons and guns shoot out of the tank, as it spins 360 degrees, slaughtering all of the army as it does so. Sabertooth watches this in sheer horror.
"You are evil and sadistic!", he says, "You betrayed us!".
"Ma'h dear General, having donated half of ma'h physical bein' to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General McCoy repay my loyalty?", asks Evil-Sam, "You surrendered! So whom betrayed whom? Rogue, make note, the turret speed need to be accelerated".
"Yes, Evil-Sam, sir", says Rogue, backing off, "...don't kill me. Change gear ratio from 2.4 to 2.8".
While this is happening, Wanda is watching this from a telescope on the ship, translating the soldiers dying words
"Scream. Scream", she says in monotone, "Help me. I'm too young to die. Owww, my leg".
"You sick, sick sicko!", snaps Sabertooth, "I demand that you give the orders to stop this slaughter now!".
"We're gonna need more load and drills", says Evil-Sam in a sing-song voice, "Ah'm hearin' too much time between screams".
"I'm giving you orders to desist!", snaps Sabertooth.
"General, a'h understand your distress", says Evil-Sam, "but believe me, these men are not dyin' senselessly it is for a far greater cause that you could ever possibly imagine".
Sabertooth growls and points his gun at Evil Sam's head
"You go straight to Hell, sir!", he says.
"After you, sir", smirks Evil-Sam.
He pushes a button on his machine and it fires a mini cannon right into Sabertooth's chest, knocking him to the ground. Rahne, in wolf form, wiggles free from where Moira is sitting with Kurt and Amara and cocks her head by Sabertooth's body, right by his ear horn, a H.M.V pose.
"Blood bath McCreed indeed", says Evil-Sam, "Whaohahahahahahahahhahahahahaha".
"Please stop that", says Rahne, "... it's frightening".
Evil Sam looks at Kitty, Rogue and Wanda
"Well, that concludes the festivities", he says, "Ladies, feed him to the crabs".
He smiles, then turns to wheel over to Rahne, Moira, Kurt and Amara.
"Ladies and Gentleman, since the beginning of written history, a nation's power has been determined by the size of it's standin' army", he smirks, "Tonight, that chapter will be closed. The traditional army to say nothin' of Bayville will be extinct, laid low by a cripple, as the General amusingly implied, and mechanology".
There is a splash as Wanda, Rogue and Kitty push Sabertooth's body into the sea
"But that tank, is just a lill' o'l snack compared to what Marvel's greatest scientists are cookin' up fer me next. So if a'h have peaked your interest, bring 1000 kilograms of your countries' gold to Bayville High within the next four days. And now, if you'll excuse me, a'h have a tank to catch", Evil-Sam pauses, "...whoahahahahahaha!".
With that he wheels off, Wanda, Kitty and Rogue following behind. The tank leaves the Beach Cove, and gets onto a hidden railroad, sprouting rail-wheels and attaching to a train. A few minutes after the train has left, Pietro comes riding into the cove
"Ewwww", he says, "...lookit all the dead people".
As he looks at the circle of bodies, Forge and Mystique arrive on the horse and carriage. Forge gets out and helps Mystique down, before glancing around
"It came out of the sea, and judging by the position of the bodies, it laid down a 360 degree pattern of cannon fire", Forge grins, "Man, I'm good!".
"I think I'm going to be sick...", says Mystique
"You're an assassin!", says Forge, "You see bodies all the time!".
"Oh shut up!", snaps Mystique
"What kind of weapon did this?", asks Forge, "as if my mutant power couldn't figure it out on its own"
Pietro is leaning by an unturned wagon, looking rather upset
"It rolls on and on making a screeching sound like a wounded animal", he says, "It has a turret on top with a cannon, that swivels around like an eagle's head".
"You just said the exact same description that my grandfather gave about one of my inventions", blinks Forge, "...ahem, I mean, you've seen it?".
"Heard about it", says Pietro, "Thought it was crazy survivor stories".
"Survivors?", asks Forge, looking around at the dead bodies, giving Bobby a poke.
"Not here", says Pietro, "In New York, three mutant slave towns were south of the border. A week before the war ended in '65, I was with the united cavalry...we discovered old folks, women, children, all slaughtered. They were using them for target practise".
We suddenly hear a sound like a dying cat. Pietro frowns and walks to where Sabertooth is lying bleeding on the Seashore
"That's when I vowed to chase this yellow devil to his grave", he says
"What's wrong, West?", growls Sabertooth, "I thought you'd be glad to see me like this".
"You have him confused with Logan", says Forge unhelpfully.
"Actually, I'm kinda disappointed", says Pietro, "I wanted to kill the Butcher of New York myself".
"Go on, shoot, send me on to Hell", says Sabertooth, "But if you want the devil responsible for New York, it's Guthrie. He manned the machine there, he killed all them children, old folks, just like he killed my boys..and girls here".
"Where is he?", asks Pietro, "Where did he go?".
"Ugh, owww, oh Auntie 'Em!", cries Sabertooth, "Avenge me"
"Sabertooth, you're supposed ta die SILENTLY!", snaps Todd.
"Sorry", Sabertooth sighs, "...I'll never get that Oscar".
Sabertooth falls back into the water and Pietro grabs him by the front, pulling him up
"Where's he going?", Pietro screams like a girl, "EWWWWW I touched a dead guy!".
"I know that", says Mystique, causing both Forge and Pietro to blink at her, "I'll tell you if you take me along".
"You tell me or I'll leave you here", says Pietro pointedly.
"Touché", says Mystique, "The girls at the Boarding House, you know, they talk. 'I wonder if my hair will get frizzy in the High School humidity? Where is this Bayville High, anyway?'".
"Bayville High!", Forge groans, "...God, I hate that place, my prison for 20 years, why do I have to go back THERE!".
"Change that to ten years and being a principle and I can ditto you...", says Mystique
"Annnnd cut!", says Todd
"Toad, the evil formula", Hank clears his throat, "...I found there to be a problem...".
"Is it a happy problem, or a sad problem?", asks Todd, "because I really don't want a sad problem".
"Well, Sam will return to normal by the next act", Hank says, "...though it appears he may have a split personality for the duration of the parody.. slipping into and out of his evil mind from time to time".
"I need this like a need a hole in the head...", sighs Todd.
"A'hm all better now...so a'h can", Deranged-Sam twitches, "... CUT OFF YOUR PINKIE FINGERS! WHAOAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!".
"...Oh dear", says Hank.
&&&&&&&
Onwards!