Mutants Make Good Cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I got your four basic food groups- beans, bacon, whiskey and lard"
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ACT 12 - Big minds make fun mental breakdowns
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We open to the daytime, where Forge and Pietro are sitting on the outside of a cornfield, back to back. Each have a metal collar around their necks and are surrounded by a small circle of wire.
"An innocent billiard ball this way, but, you press the number in and on impact it ruins our mission", says Pietro sarcastically, imitating Forge's voice.
Pietro turns around to give Forge a GLARE before standing up to leave, Forge quickly grabs his leg
Whoah", says Forge, "...don't do that!".
"...Forge, let go of my leg", says Pietro.
Forge sighs and stand up
"Listen to me. Guthrie has installed us with the same metal devices we found on Kelly", he says, "You remember Kelly, right, the HEAD!".
"...Oh...", Pietro blinks, "I don't wanna be a head!".
Suddenly, Sam's voice comes from a megaphone from his train
"Good mornin' gentlemen a'h..."., Sam begins to twitch.
"Oh dear Gods, it's happening again!", cries Todd
"Mwhoahahahahhahahahhahaha!", laughs Evil-Sam, "where was a'h, oh yes. A'h trust you slept well, tee hee".
"What have you done with Raven?", asks Forge
"Raven's fiiiiiiine. She's sleepin' off the after-effects in the state room. She IS lovely, isn't she. Who knows, a'h might become", Evil-Sam smirks, "...heh heh..familiar with her ma'hself".
"I don't like scary Evil-Sam anymore", whimpers Pietro, "..can we have a new villain until he gets better?".
"No, we're too into the movie and need all the money for the scenes ahead", says Todd, "...unless you two don't survive this scene, then we're okay".
"Survive?", blinks Forge
"Guthrie, that would be one more reason for me to kill you", growls Pietro.
"Oh yes, Mr West, a'hm sure to a no doubt well endowed mutant like yourself it must seems impossible that a freak like me could fully enjoy...", Evil-Sam makes a funny noise, then looks at his script, "EWWWWWW! A'hm not readin' that. Unclean, unclean!".
"But...", Todd sighs.
"Yuck yuck yuck"., says Sam
"Fine, we'll skip this and get onto Todd Fan's favourite bits", say Todd, "as she is screaming at me to carry on".
"Thank you", smiles Sam, "Full steam ahead!".
In the engine, we see Wanda pointing a gun at Logan, who sighs and starts the Wanderer on it's way
"What a marvellous train", says Sam, "You don't mind me borrowin' it, do you gentlemen? Aside from the no wheelchair access, a'h find it more than comfortable to spend ma'h long journey from here to ma'h laboratory in Bayville High. By the way, ah'll be seein' President LeBeau soon, what should a'h tell him for you? A'hm afraid it can't be that you're alive and well. BUH BYE".
Pietro and Forge blink as the Wanderer chugs away
"Okay, get your little tool kit out, Forge get this thing off my neck", says Pietro.
Forge goes to turn his arm into it's tool function and nothing happens
"What the", he blinks, "...hey, this is my SPARE bionic arm...damn".
"Don't tell me that it doesn't turn into tools", sighs Pietro.
"Okay...I won't tell you", says Forge.
Pietro looks like he's about to cry, as Forge picks up a piece of paper from his pocket, and begins to read it
"Gentlemen, welcome to Guthrie's happy-death camp", he says, "There are no guards, no barbed wire, just stay within your designated area and you'll survive. Have a nice day, Sam Guthrie"
"I don't have time for this", says Pietro.
Pietro steps over the wire boundary
"NO!", cries Forge
There is a metallic hum, and no more. Pietro shrugs and dances over the wire again. There is suddenly a chugging noise, and a machine shoots out two razor sharp spinning discs of death
"...And now we have to run", says Forge.
Screaming in terror, Forge and Pietro take off into the cornfield, being followed by the discs. Pietro, not surprisingly, is running ahead
"Fine, leave me to die, see if I care!", he calls, "The collars around our neck seem to contain powerful magnets. Ad long as we can out-run the blades, we'll be fine".
"Forge, how long does it take for a magnet to lose it's power?", asks Pietro.
"About 400 years", says Forge
"DAMN!", snaps Pietro
Backstage, Magneto, who is REALLY control the magnetics, is having A LOT of fun...more than one should while controlling objects that could behead two people
"Tee hee", he giggles, "Can I chop off Pietro's head, please?".
"No", says Todd.
Meanwhile, Pietro and Forge are still running through the cornfield for dear life, when they eventually come to either side of a deep gorge in the middle. The blades swing back and head for them again
"Quick", says Pietro, "jump into my arms".
Forge looks at Pietro, then down at the gorge
"No".
The blades come ever closer and both Forge and Pietro yelp and jump into the gorge, meeting each other in the middle, as they fall, down the gorge, the blades also meet where they were in the middle, exploding. Pietro and Forge, meanwhile, fall allllllllllll the way down the gorge into a pool of brown mud, to which they are up to their necks. Pietro snuffles for a second, before sneezing, spraying Forge with snot and brown, goopy mud.
"...Bless you", he says through gritted teeth.
"Sorry", shrugs Pietro.
Meanwhile, on the Wanderer, Sam is talking to Mystique, who is idly filing her nails
"Raven, ma'h dear, not that a'hm not grateful to those idiots for bringin' you back to me", says Sam, "but a'hm just slightly curious as to how you ended up with them in the first place".
"Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you that I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends", says Mystique, "Not to give you a big head, but I kind of missed you".
Sam blinks a few times
"Kurt's mother, Kurt's mother. Kurt's MOTHER", he chants, "Okay, ahem. A'h kind of miss me too".
They laugh an clink champagne glasses. We skip scenes to where Forge and Pietro have got out of the mud and are trudging along
"So, Forge", says Pietro, "what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?".
Forge's eye twitches ever so slightly before he turns to look at Pietro
"Excuse me?", he asks.
"Well...that's what you're here for", says Pietro, waving his arms around, "You're the master of this mechanical...stuff".
Forge blinks, before smiling...but not in a good way
: "Hah ha ha. Oh now I see", he says, "I'm the master of this mechanical stuff".
He frowns, Pietro takes a small step backwards...Forge is starting to scare him
"As opposed to five minutes ago when I was calmly and coolly trying to find an intelligent solution to this very problem. But then something happened, someone, who will remain nameless...", Forge pauses for breath, "PIETRO WEST!".
Pietro blinks as his name echoes through the canyon
"Decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck", continues Forge, getting slightly hysterical, "And here we stand, while that demented maniac is hurtling towards our president on our one and only mode of transportation, with Raven as his prisoner, armed with God-knows what machinery of mass destruction with the simple intention of overturning our government and taking over the country".
"...Look, Forge", says Pietro, "I think you need to calm down..."
Forge's eyes get that LITTLE bit wider
"I can't be calm, nonononono", he says, "I'm the MASTER of the MECHANICAL STUFF! I have to help you! YOU, the master of the STUPID stuff!".
"...I think Forge has finally crossed that fine line between genius and insanity", blinks Todd.
"You want to get your collar off?. Well I'll get it off!", snaps Forge, "I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd SHOOT it off! Here's something!".
He looks around on the ground and picks up a rock)
"In true Pietro West style", he says, "I'll just BASH IT WITH A ROCK!".
"Forge", say Pietro carefully, "...you don't want to do that".
"Oh, but I DO!", grins Forge
Witch that, he gives the collar around Pietro's neck an almighty THWAK with the rock. There is a funny humming noise and suddenly, Pietro and Forge's collars get stuck together
"What did you do?", snaps Forge
"I didn't do ANYTHING!", yells Pietro.
"Yes you did", says Forge, "You obviously reversed the polarity of your magnet".
"I didn't do ANYTHING!", repeats Pietro, "Stay still".
Forge gives Pietro daggers but stops trying to pry free of the collar
"I'm gonna put my foot on your chest and push off", says Pietro.
Pietro does so, but he uses the boot with the knife in. The knife pops out and sticks to Forge's collar, leaving Pietro stuck lying on the floor
"...You alright?", asks Forge
"Yeah, I'm just peachy!", snaps Pietro, "Can you help me get my boot off, please?".
Forge yanks Pietro's boot off and Pietro flies forward his collar hitting Forge's belt with a thunk, Forge's bionic arm attracting to his own collar
"...That's my belt buckle", blinks Forge
"Forge", say Pietro carefully, "...when you're telling your grandkids this story…you make sure you leave this part out".
"Don't worry", says Forge.
"Okay. Forge, I'm gonna undo your belt and I'm gonna run as fast as I can that way, and you're gonna run as fast as you can that way", explains Pietro.
"Let me make sure I understand your plan. You're gonna run as fast as you can that way and I'm gonna run as fast as I can the other way?", Forge rolls his eyes, "...it's ingenious".
"Yeah, whatever, Forge", says Pietro, "One, two, three".
Pietro unclips Forge's belt and both mutants run for dear life in opposite directions. A few seconds later we hear 'arggggghhhhhs' as they are dragged back to have their collars stuck together again
"This is SO much fun!", giggles Magneto backstage
Pietro and Forge fall down another hill, until they fall down the edge into a river. Forge blinks as he sees something floating beside him.
"Hey, my spare tool kit, I forgot all about it", says Forge, "...it must have slipped out of my pocket".
Pietro, looks at the tool kit, then turns around very slowly to glare at Forge
"Your pocket?", he asks, "Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that SHOOTS OUT YOUR ASS!".
"That's the first place Guthrie would have looked", says Forge
"...Y'know...you worry me", says Pietro.
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Tee hee, oh I had SOOOOO much fun writing that scene. In fact, it was THAT scene that made me chose my two leads in the first place. So yeah, love it. I always thought that Gordon's (for those that don't know the movie, that is Forge's character) breakdown would be GREAT with Forge. Click on!