Disclaimer: Rooster Teeth owns RvB characters.
A/N: Arg, thinking like an idiot is hard. I luv my gatorade.
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After much fighting, bickering, joking, and ultimately mind-numbing dumbness, the reds decided to help the blues.
"First things first." Sarge said in a don't-mess-with-me tone, "What happened to Simmons?"
"Yeah, what happened to Private Kiss-Ass?" Griff asked.
"Well, the bunnies and mongooses-" Caboose began, when Tex cut her moronic teammate off.
"I found them after what was a two man firefight. Both pansies fired a whole lot but hit very little other than walls and inanimate objects. Both suffered one or two shots, which bled and made it look much worse than it really is. I say they aren't really unconscious, but rather they must have fainted. Knowing Church, I wouldn't be surprised. Though I'm not sure about your other man."
"Hey, I did NOT faint!" A suddenly awake Simmons struggled over Caboose's shoulder, "I just didn't wanna walk all the way back here."
"Yeah, same here bitches." Church agreed, awake as well.
Simmons turned his head to give Church a look, "Why the hell would a blue want to be carried from the crappy blue base over to the more extravagant Red base? Oh, wait, I see your point."
"Shut the fuck up, Red." Church shot back, hitting him across from Caboose's back.
"Well, maybe if you'd make more sense, I would, fuckin' bluetard." Simmons replied, taking his own fist and ramming against Church's face.
"Oh, you're freakin' askin' for it, Red."
As the two tried to fight it out then and there, on top of Caboose's shoulders, everyone else watched, their expressions ranging from amusement to disgust.
"Stop it, Simmons." Donut said pleadingly.
"Stop fighting, idiot." Tex, in turn, said to her teammate.
But both were pointedly ignored. Then something that was previously impossible happened. Something so unbelievable nothing was said for a whole twenty minutes.
The whole canyon was suddenly enveloped in DARKNESS.
Then everyone started screaming. After another twenty minutes, Tex was the first to recover, shouting instead for everyone to shut up.
"Aaaahh! AAHHH! Ah- OWW!" Someone who sounded a lot like Church shouted.
"Church! Where are you! Someone was shouting in my ear so I-"
"That was me, Caboose you freakin' moron!" An indignant Blue shouted from the ground, "Why'd you throw me?"
"... I did not throw you, I threw the thing that was making screaming noises." Caboose attempted to explain in his monotone, speaking to a dumb person voice. But obviously Church did not understand.
"Caboose! That. Was. ME."
"Haha, the blue was screaming like a girl." Simmons chortled, still on Caboose's shoulder, "And he got chucked on the ground by his own dumbass teammate."
"You got the dumbass part right." Church muttered, before catching the rest of what the Red had said, "HEY! I was NOT."
Tex, shrugging, "I'd say pretty much everyone was."
"HA! That includes you!" Church grinned.
"...Church..." Tex took a moment to just stare at him in the darkness, "I AM a GIRL."
At this point, Caboose felt obligated to say something, "So is the pink lady" -he continued, ignoring the indignant 'I AM NOT' from the said 'lady'- "Now why is the sky dark. Who turned off the switch? I was not aware there was a switch but now that I see that there IS one I say that we turn it back on. I do not like the dark. It scares me. Can someone turn it back on?"
Simmons yelped, "Your crushing me, moron! Put me down right now!"
Caboose, in turn, jumped, "SOMEONE is shouting in my ear. I do not like the DARK."
Simmons gasped, "My replaced parts... being crushed... can't..."
Not wanting to fix Simmons up again, Sarge spoke up harshly, "Now, son, you put Simmons down or so help me by the power of cheese itself-"
"You have CHEESE?" Caboose asked, chucking Simmons over his shoulder as he stepped towards Sarge, accidentally stepping on Church in the process.
"OW. CABOOSE!"
"Church? Church! Where are you? WHO is hurting you?" Caboose called out.
"Get the fuck off ME, moron. You're the one hurting me!"
"I do not think I can be hurting you, Church." Caboose reasoned as he stepped back, "How can I if I can not SEE you? And even if I DID see you I would not hurt you, Church."
"Did you forget about the time with the tank?" Church asked, his glare wasted in the darkness.
By now everyone's eyes had adjusted enough to at least make out the outlines of people, even though they didn't know whose silhouette was whose.
"Dang." Tucker commented aloud, "I almost forgot what the night sky looked like."
"I forgot how DARK it gets." Donut commented.
"I forgot how you can't see everything." Griff said conversationally, before adding bluntly, "I don't like it."
"And I forgot...uh, to forget." Caboose added, not sure what everyone was saying as he only caught that people were forgetting things and suddenly knew that he wanted to forget things too. But when he had been about to tell what he had forgot he had forgotten what he had forgot so he forgetted... forgetten... ah shit whatever.
"I didn't forget how idiotic you morons were." Tex mumbled before asking in a ticked off tone, "Why doesn't everyone just turn on their flashlights."
As she said it, she turned her own on, pointing the rifle's light downwards and away from everyone's eyes. Tucker was the next to do it, having grabbed a battle rifle on his way out.
"Dammit, Tucker! Shine that thing somewhere else!" Griff growled before turning his own on.
"Crap. I don't have weapons with lights." Church cursed, standing up.
Simmons laughed as he turned his on, "Too bad. With that empty head of yours, I'm pretty sure you could have stuffed a couple in there for emergencies."
"Good one, Simmons." Sarge praised, always glad to see a Blue made fun of.
"Thank you, sir." The private beamed.
"Damn, ass kisser." Griff grumbled, seeing what was coming next.
"Now you should be more like private Simmons here." Sarge commented to Griff, "He really knows how to lighten a situation up. Get it? LIGHT a situation up."
"Haha, good one, sir."
"Shut up, Simmons."
"Sir yes sir, Sarge."
"Speaking of situation," Church butted in, "What the fuck just happened? Since when is there a nighttime in this hellhole?"
"Since now, obviously." Griff said.
"This doesn't make any sens-"
"My flashlight does not work." Caboose suddenly said, his voice slightly tuat in nervousness.
Irritated at being interrupted, Church sighed angrily before making a grab for the gun, "Give it. Did you even turn the damn switch?"
"This one?" Caboose inquired slowly, turning it on just as his revered teammate stuck his face in front of the 'broken' flashlight.
"GAAHH! My eyes! Mother fucker, you blinded me!" Church shouted in pain, followed by an even longer string of curses and shouting.
"I... DO not think those are very nice things to say, Church." Caboose said slowly.
"Get that damn light away from me!" A still slightly blinded Church shouted, whirling and tripping over a certain maroon soldier.
"Fuckin' Blue, get the fuck off me!" Simmons shouted.
"Guys, I don't think any of this is helping." Donut, playing the role of comforting the frightened Blue, stated.
"No, duh, idiot." Griff sighed.
"I suggest we check on our reserves and lock down our bases. No telling what could attack us in the darkness." Tex suggested.
"For once, I think I actually agree with you." Sarge said, sounding surprised, "Maybe it's 'cause that very same thought crossed my mind."
"Did NOT." Griff scoffed.
"Shut yer trap, private. Keep this up and you'll get demoted." Sarge growled warningly.
"Yeah. Yeah, that was my idea too." Church said, much to the rolling eyes of Tex and Tucker, "So, uh, Blue team, let's go scope out our place."
"Whatever." Tex said, turning and heading back without another glance.
Tucker followed, checking behind him to see Caboose following uncomfortably close.
"Dude, walk any closer and you'll be wearing my boots." Tucker said.
As they headed off, the voice of a very worried Caboose could be heard, "I do not like this plan. I do not like the dark. Tucker, what if there are ghosts...?"
"Caboose, trust me, there are not any ghosts..."
"Fucking weanies, of course there aren't any ghosts. What are you, eight?" Church, trailing behind, asked incredulously.
Sarge watched them go, turning back to his team, "Simmons, do you think you'll need any new parts?"
Paling at the idea of being 'fixed up' again by the Red team leader, he shook his head quickly, "No, sir. Everything's good here, Sarge. Just a little blood."
"Good." Sarge nodded, turning to Donut and Griff as he shouted, "Now what happened to the god DARN PLAN!"
"I don't know..." Donut said nervously.
"The plan was crap... sir." Griff commented.
Sarge's eyes narrowed dangerously. Simmons berated, "How could you say that, Griff? I thought it was a great plan, Sarge."
"Thank you Simmons. I see SOMEONE here appreciates a good plan when he sees one."
"Are we going to, um, check out the base?" Donut asked quietly.
Griff eyed his teammate, "What. Scared or something?"
"NO!" came the indignant reply, "It's just so hard to see. Something could attack you at any time."
"That's what the flashlights are for, numbnuts." Sarge said, pivoting as he waved his arm, "Now come on, men. If anything decides to try an' attack us, oho, boy will they be sorry they were born."
"I think I'm sorry I was born." Donut muttered before following.