Mutants Make good Cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "We've done a lot of things we're not proud of; robbing graves, plundering tombs, double parking... but nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt but nobody we knew".
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ACT 14 - Count the Cajuns
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On board the Wanderer, Pietro is preparing for battle. He flicks a lever next to a bunch of mirrors, the mirrors sliding away to reveal a bunch of guns hidden in the wall. He picks up a nasty looking weapon, then goes looking for Forge, who is sitting at his desk, a notepad in hand
"Come on letsgoletsgoletsgo, I wanna shoot Guthrie!", says Pietro, "Lets ride...you do know how to ride, don't you?".
"Yes, I know how to ride", says Forge
"A horse?", tries Pietro.
"What else would I", Forge shakes his head, "...you have a sick mind, Pietro".
"I know. How about we go NOW?", asks Pietro, "There's a gigantic spider stomping towards our President".
"I was just thinking of another spider", says Forge, "You remember when we were in the desert and that little wasp destroyed the tarantula...".
"The wasp had a slight advantage", says Pietro, "it could fly".
"Exactly. In 1540, Leonardo Da Vinci designed a flying machine, but he never finished it", says Forge, "Now, with some extrapolation and a bit of imagination, I can..".
"Forge, we don't have the time for any of your plans or half-baked inventions", says Pietro.
"...That hurt", says Forge sadly.
"Get over it", says Pietro, "We got to stick to what we each do best".
"...That IS what I do best", says Forge.
"Shut up", says Pietro.
Pietro and Forge ride out into the desert on horses that have magically appeared from nowhere
"Neigh neigh", says Jott, "...again".
"I'm a horse rear", says Kelly in the other horse, "...after they kill me, they make me a horses ass!".
"I'm the HEAD", laughs Duncan, "Hahahhahahaha".
"I hate you", says Kelly.
Meanwhile, Remy is at a railroad, reading from an inscription on the final track nail
"May dis pin unite de two halves of Bayville as does dis railroad", he says, as everyone claps, "And Remy thought dat was pretty crappy".
He puts the pin into the ground and goes to hammer it in, only for it to jump out of it's hole, he tries three more times.
"Tee hee", giggles Magneto.
"Dis is gettin' ridiculous", says Remy, "Gambit has a bar mitzvah to attend!"
Remy turns around to see the mechanical spider running towards him
"...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!", screams Lucid.
The crowds start to scatter, running all over the place while Remy stays exactly where he is. The spider stops in front of Remy and lowers it's head so the control panel is lower down
"Well isn't this a coincidence a'hm out for a little mornin' ride, and right into the middle of nowhere a'h run into General Remy LeBeau himself", says Sam, "We've never been properly introduced, a'hm Dr Samuel Guthrie, former confederate of the Bayville army".
"...Big...spider", blinks Remy, "Yes, Dr Guthrie...dat's a fine lookin' spider you have dere. What can I do for you today?".
"A'h have a humble abode nearby, a'h hope you'll accept ma'h hospitality", says Sam, "A'h have a little proposition to make".
"Dere will be many a night I will regret askin' dis but", Remy sighs, "...what kind of proposition?".
"The immediate and unconditional surrender of Bayville to the Guthrie allegiance", Sam gives a sweet smile, "...please"
"I didn't realise we were at war, you have me at a disadvantage", the Cajun chuckles, "...Remy forgot to bring his fly swatter".
Sam suddenly begins to twitch.
"Hit the deck!", shouts Wanda
"Bite this, filthy Swamp Rat!", shouts Evil-Sam.
He flicks a lever, sending a missile which blows up Remy's train
"...Oh...poo", says Remy.
"How about now?", smirks Evil-Sam.
Suddenly, Remy steps out from behind the wreaked train...2 Remys...okay
"In matters pertaining to war", says Remy 2, "de person to talk to would be me".
"And...you are?", blinks Evil-Sam.
"De President of Bayville", says Remy 2, "Dis man is an actor, hired to stand in for me on public occasions".
Remy 2 leans his arm on Remy 1's shoulder
"Aww no", groans Remy 1.
"He not a very good actor at dat", says Remy 2, "He's too fat and dull witted".
Gambit gonna hunt you down and cut out your spleen when dis is over, Forge", growls Remy 1, "Where's West?".
"You know him sir", smirks Forge/Remy 2.
Meanwhile, Pietro is climbing up the spider leg. Back on the ground, 'Remy 2' waves his hands around at Remy 1
"Take dis man away", he says, "Captain? Sergeant?".
The cavalry leaves, running off
"This is one of the reasons I HATE the Cavalry", snaps Forge, "I hope you all fall off a cliff, you LOSERS!. You are dismissed, Sir!".
Remy 1 looks at him like he's grown an extra head
"We'll take them both", says Evil-Sam
The spider shoots out a net, scooping up Remy and Forge and hauling them into the air
"Is dis part of your plan, Forge?", asks Remy
"The important thing is I'm by your side, Sir", says Forge.
Meanwhile, Pietro had climbed all the way up to the top of the spider, only to find Rogue waiting for him with a gun
"I got a telegram for Dr Guthrie", smiles Pietro, "From his mother, Lucinda, she says to come home right away and stop all this foolishness".
"...Ma'?", blinks Sam twitching once.
He twitches again and goes back to evil Sam. Rogue meanwhile blinks at Pietro before shooting a bullet right into his chest, letting his body fall alllll the way down to the floor
"She shot him!", shouts Forge, "Rogue, they gave YOU evil formula too?".
"...Evil formula?", blinks Rogue.
The tarantula carries on it's merry way, Forge and Remy as it's prisoners, leaving Pietro lying on the ground. Dead
"Dead? I'm the main character!", cries Pietro, "I can't DIE!".
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I'm really not going to say anything anymore