Mutants Make Good Cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Of course I can drive a truck. I mean, sure, you got your steering and your gas and your brake and, of course, this metal, uh, looking...thing. OK, so it was a bumper car at Coney Island but it's the same basic principle!"
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ACT 15 - Air Forge
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We open in Bayville High's auditorium, where hundreds of people are watching Sam on the stage. Across from the stage sit, chained up, all the missing scientists. Dr Doom is poking Doc Ock repeatedly in the head, Tony Stark is trying to get the last dregs out of a beer can, while Reed Richards is fast asleep. Jason sighs boredly in between them
"I need a better job", says Jason.
On the stage, Remy, Forge, Raven and Logan are all handcuffed and sitting on chairs, with Wanda, Rogue and Kitty standing behind them. Sam waits for the cheering to stop before speaking
"Howdy all!", says Sam, "This is a day of healin' for the wrongs that have been done to us all. How long has it been? 1776, wasn't it old bean?".
He wheels up to Moira
"Don't call me a bean", says Moira.
"The most expensive cup of tea in history. Manhattan for a handful of beads?", Sam chuckles, "How".
"DIE!", snarls Forge
"A'hm only readin' from the script, honest!", says Sam, "A'h mean no offence to your culture, at all".
"If I wasn't chained to a chair, I'd walk out", sniffs Forge.
"Remember the Alamo indeed", Sam rolls his eyes.
We cut to where Pietro is still lying, dead...or IS he?
"I just KNEW you wouldn't kill me", grins Pietro.
He sits up and rips open his vest, revealing an impermeable bullet proof shield tied into it, a bullet lodged in-between
"Thanks Forgey".
We cut back to Bayville High, where Sam is continuing his speech
"Today, a'hm proud to stand here before ya'll and tell you that the wrongs will be righted, the past made present, the united divided!", A banner drops, revealing a huge map of Bayville, divided up into segments, "Great Britain gets back the Beach Cove and the Mall Germany and all you others get stuff too!. And a little plot for me to retire on".
A HUGE segment of the map has been marked as 'Guthrie country'. We go back to the Wanderer, where Pietro is searching for any and all weapons, unfortunately there are none...except for the tiny derringer in a little brooch
"I'm about to lose my dignity", sighs Pietro.
Back in Bayville High, Sam is getting ready for the others to sign the terms of agreement for the new segmentation of Bayville, when he starts to twitch
"...I think he's getting better", says Forge, "you know, the twitching isn't that often anymore".
"It's just as bad as before", says Hank, "if not worse!".
"Shhhhh, the audience don't know that", says Todd.
"Mwhoahahahahhaa", laughs Evil-Sam, "Sign your lives away, come on, whooooot! Didn't YOU sign a surrender President LeBeau?".
"Non", says Remy, "Not ever!".
Everyone stares at him, he clears his throat and sits back down
"And a'h suppose the threat of death would mean nothin' to someone with such a war record as your own?", says Evil-Sam
"Gambit gets death threats all de time", says Remy, "no biggie"
"If you refuse to sign the surrender", says Evil-Sam, "we'll shoot your man, Forge".
Rogue gleefully points a shotgun at Forge's head)
"What the HECK did I do?", asks Forge, "I was sitting here quietly!".
"Tee hee, Pietro AND Forge?", grins Rogue, "Man, a'h love ma'h job!".
"Oh no", says Mystique dryly, "...how terrible".
"...Thanks for the concern", says Forge, "Don't worry, I'm wearing an impermeable".
He is dragged out of his chair by Wanda, who plonks him in the middle of the stage. Rogue dances happily to the front and loads her gun
"May I make one request?", asks Forge, "That she aim at my heart? My heart that has loved Bayville for so long?".
Evil-Sam considers this.
"Shoot him in the head"
"...Damn", says Forge.
"Rogue", says Evil-Sam, "Ready. Aim. Fi..."
Before Rogue can shoot, exotic music starts to fill the stadium. Suddenly, an exotic belly-dancer starts to dance into the stadium and up onto the stage
"A new girl", grins Evil-Sam, "Well, what a nice surprise".
The girl dances around him, making odd little 'purriiig' sounds
"Shake that booty!", grins Todd.
The girl gives him a glare and carries on dancing. She wraps a scarf around Evil-Sam's neck and dances around, sneakily picking up the handcuff keys from the wheelchair as she goes. She dances away from Evil-Sam and starts to dance around Forge, who is watching with a raised eyebrow)
"This brassiere is killing me", Pietro whispers.
He dances some more, concealing the fact he has handed Forge the handcuff keys, Forge has un cuffed his handcuffs and handed the key back to Pietro
"And this garter belt is riding up my ass", he adds.
"...Thanks for sharing", blinks Forge..
He hands Forge the tiny derringer while still dancing.
"Careful", says Forge, "that dress it's..."
"To hell with your damn dress, Forge", snaps Pietro.
Pietro dances away towards where Logan, Remy and Mystique are still chained up. He sits on Logan's lap and strokes a hand on Remy's chin
"Have you out of here in just a second Mr President", says Pietro.
"...Pietro stroked my cheek", grimaces Remy
"...Pietro is sitting on my knee!", blinks Logan.
SNIKT
Pietro QUICKLY gets up and dances around some more
"Is she with us?", asks Remy
"Captain West, Sir", says Logan
"He's so graceful", giggles Mystique
Pietro dances even more around Evil-Sam, when suddenly, the tassels on the chest of the dress start to spin around. Pietro blinks and looks at Forge, who motions for him to turn around. Pietro does as he'd told and the breasts turn into flamethrowers, almost burning Evil-Sam
"Kill him, kill him!", shouts Evil-Sam, as the guards point their guns around, unsure of their target, "Him! The one in the dress!".
Jean knocks Remy out and she and Rogue drag him through a steel door, followed by Evil Sam, the door shutting closed quickly behind them. As the army advances towards the stage, Pietro picks a snooker ball from his pocket and rolls it towards the army
"..Is that the eight ball?", asks Forge
"Yes", says Pietro.
"Get down", says Forge.
Suddenly, the ball explodes, destroying half the army
"That was not sleeping gas", blinks Pietro.
"No", says Forge, "...the eight ball's a bomb"
"Yes", Pietro blinks, "..I can see that".
Pietro and Forge head off to save Remy, they wave at the scientists, where Mystique is standing by Jason
"Lets move move move!", says Pietro
"Save the President", says Mystique, "we'll be fine".
"Do it", says Todd.
"No", says Jason
"I'd rather DIE", says Mystique
"For the love of God, we're wasting daylight", snaps Todd, "Don't make me get out the cattle prod".
Mystique and Jason give a defeated sigh, before giving each other a hug
"There that wasn't too hard, was it?", smiles Todd.
"I'll get you once this is over", growls Mystique.
Pietro and Forge run out of the building, watching as the giant spider trundles off
"We gotta get horses..we gotta run after...we gotta do..something", Forge squeaks, "...inhale, exhale".
"Forge, right now we need a plan", says Pietro.
"...Did I hear you right?", blinks Forge
"That flying machine idea of yours", says Pietro, "...now were you just acting like you knew what you were talking about, or can you really build it?".
"...I can build anything", says Forge, "THAT'S MY MUTANT POWER!"
A few minutes later, Pietro and Forge are standing by the nitro cycle...now with wings
"Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernulis therory suggests that the air travelling over a birds wing is moving at a lower pressure than the pressure below the wing, that's called Lift", says Forge.
"If I wanted a physics lesson, I would have gone to school", says Pietro, "I mean, your lips were moving, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah".
"Course it's only a theory", says Forge, "...it's never been tested".
"Stop talking, stop talking now", says Pietro.
Logan walks up with a box
"Here's a Bon Voyage present for you guys", he says, "Gun Powder and Nitro-Glycerine in 44 calibre primers".
"Logan", Forge blinks, "...how do you know about explosives?".
"U.S Marshall Logan. President thought you boys could use a little lookin' after", Logan blinks, "...but I draw the line at defyin' the law of gravity. So good luck".
Logan walks off and both Pietro and Forge get onto the nitro-cycle/flying..thing
"Hold on", says Forge, "Excelsior!".
"You're embarrassing yourself", points out Pietro.
The machine speed off, but doesn't take to the air
"Excelsior. Excelsior!", says Forge
"Why isn't this thing Excelsioring?", asks Pietro.
"We're not getting enough lift", says Forge, "we need more speed".
"Oh, the bitter irony", sighs Pietro.
Forge suddenly swerves the machine towards a cliff
"...Forge", Pietro blinks, "...that's a cliff".
"Yes, I know", smiles Forge.
"That means the ground is gonna END", says Pietro.
"Yes I know", chuckles Forge
"This is not how I wanted to GOOOOOOOOO", cries Pietro.
The machine happily drops off the edge of the cliff, coming up into the air a few seconds later)
"It works! It works!", laughs Forge
"If you had to get one right, Forge, I'm SURE glad it was this one", says Pietro, "So what kind of fancy name have you picked out for this thing? Wait, lemmie guess...a elevation enhancer. or a gravity repeller vehicle?"
"No. I was thinking of something simple", Forge blinks, "...Air Forge".
"...Modest", says Pietro.
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