-Two months later-
I gave Quistis what I hoped was a suitably disapproving, furious glare.
She responded only by smiling sweetly.
The bitch.
No, I don't use that language very often in my job. Those sorts of opinions generally remain internal. Most of the time. I think I may well have let that one slip though, because her gentle beam is no more. A rather thunderous look has taken its place, and I find myself recoiling despite the familiar nature of the situation.
Before I cause anymore confusion, I suppose I should explain. I'm certainly a different Squall from the one I was nearly a year ago now. In every sense of the word 'different'. It would probably be easiest to explain by starting occupationally, in that not long after the War ended, Balamb Garden attempted to reorganise its staff. Cid, understandably, retired from his duties and I've heard that he and Edea are living a pleasant life together someone near the Dollet coast. Good for them. When he stepped down I think the majority of Garden, if not half of the globe itself, thought I'd be the one to replace him. I do not mean this arrogantly; it was simply natural that the world turned its greedy eyes to see who would become the leader of the Garden whose SeeDs saved it. Again, it seemed only logical that that person would be me. I'd had that title thrust on me the entire year, why give it up now? Well, I guess you don't always have to have a reason, because give it up I did and why...I'm still struggling to answer that truthfully. It requires a level of self-knowledge that I haven't quite attained just yet, but I'm getting there. I do know that I never liked being the leader. It just isn't me; I don't crave the power, and I haven't enough confidence to trust my own decisions, let alone the strength to try and make others believe in them. No, I would have sucked as a Headmaster. And I wasn't about to accept the post simply because everybody else wanted me to.
Those days were over. It was no longer about doing my duty, but about getting the best person for the job. Perhaps during the War, they'd listened to me because I was too cold to argue against. I never spoke, so when I did, they presumed it was worth listening to. Or because somebody told them all that I was the leader, and so they all decided unanimously to follow what I said and did, like lemmings on the cliff-edge. Either way, these views had been somewhat clouded by the panic induced by the terrors of the War, and I don't think I was the only one who saw that I just wasn't cut out to lead. There was still the expectation that I would lead nonetheless, and I'm sure I shocked a fair few people when I refused the position. I didn't want it, and I was fairly sure nobody else would want it for me either after seeing what a mess I can make when I'm not under pressure. Believe me; I thrive when I'm pressured. That's why I did well in exams, but never so good in class. I need to feel challenged to get my adrenaline going; it's the only way I can perform to my very best. If there's no noose hanging around my neck, forget it. That might have been the one part of being the leader that I enjoyed, because I hated the attention and adulation it brought. I liked the pressure and the cut-throat atmosphere. Of course, I didn't like the fact that we could so easily wind up dead; that would be taking the thrill of fighting a bit too far. What I did like was the challenge in the situation. Keep your head, Squall. Stay calm, stay cool, and we'll get through it. A Curaga here, a Phoenix Down there, it's going to be okay...
But managing a Garden in peacetime wasn't like that. I wasn't even the best leader when the conditions were ideal, so I was never going to hack the daily life of Headmaster. The leader of an army is very different to the leader of a military school. Placing your highest stake -your life-, against fearful opponents, bad odds and every bone in your body that's screaming to give in; that's a whole world away from sifting through paperwork and ensuring classes run on time. Hyne, I don't mean to sound so down on the job. It's tough, I know that. It's got a political edge to it that's easily as cut-throat as the battlefield. But in essence, it's giving out orders and maintaining top levels of organisation, and that's just not my bag. It takes a tough mind, an intensely observant eye, a wealth of knowledge and a lot of balls to do it, and I knew it was my time to step down. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do instead but I knew it wasn't office work. Politics appealed to me somewhat, and travelling, but there was no part of that welcomed the idea of running an entire Garden.
I'm glad she got it, though; Quistis. I'll admit that, despite the fact that right at this minute, I'd cheerfully strangle her. She was perfect for the task. She was always hungry to climb the ladder, her ambitious nature striving her upwards to achieve and achieve and achieve some more. She graduated before us all, became an Instructor before we had even made SeeD...it was always within Quistis to be the very best she could be. Her sacking hit her harder than she let on, even to me; her nasty little iceberg friend. From that moment on, I think her determination only increased. Failure only made her hungrier to succeed, and in a sense, I don't suppose her previous duties were enough to satisfy her. Being an Instructor, guiding protégés to become members of our prestigious battle-force, sure, it was worthwhile enough. But she was one of many. Younger than the rest, of course, and respected for her youth, but she didn't stand apart. She was just another teacher in the eyes of Garden, and for someone who'd graduated so young and achieved so much, it must have been a letdown to be considered just another of member of the staff. Though I don't think it was ever in her mind to take on the position of Headmaster, she was starved for a higher position within her home. She needed a greater level of respect and acceptance, and she wanted to be seen amongst the crowds. Her ambition was not to blend in anymore, but to make something of the childhood she'd wasted working her guts out. There was no better way of completing this but to inherit responsibility for the Garden that had shunned her.
I knew she wanted the job when they brought it to me. It was fairly soon after the War had ended, and I stood in Cid's old office along with the whole gang of "heroes", as we then were known. Myself, Irvine, Zell, Selph', Rinoa and Quistis. It was Cid who asked me, -who appealed to me-, to take up that which he was about to leave. He had no problem with admitting that he wanted only to place it into my hands, and I felt my face flush both with embarrassment and guilt that I should be so singled out from the others when I clearly did not deserve superior praise. Worse, I saw Quistis' reaction from the corner of my eye. As much as I was horrified at the offer, she was desperately envious. She tried to hide it, pulling the wool over darkening eyes filled with jealousy and disappointment and trying to smile some pride for me. I guess she thought the same as everyone else; that I'd instantly accept. Irvine was clapping me on the back and Selphie had to cover her mouth with her hand to hide her excited squeal. Zell looked psyched, grinning madly in my direction. They all just assumed I'd be honoured, thank you very much, and when could I start?
I couldn't do it. Not just because I didn't want it, and Quistis did, but because it wasn't right, as I've already explained. I knew that then as clearly as I do now, and I felt under no obligation to accept. The end of the War had changed me in that respect; I became more sure of what I did and did not want, and far more able to voice my preferences. I felt so much stronger, no longer merely capable of just doing as I was told. I would retaliate. I would speak up. I would fight back. It almost felt as if I was picking up where Seifer let off.
"I'm sorry, Cid." I explained, firmly. "But I can't accept. I can see how much you want my answer to be different, and that makes refusing all the more difficult, but I have to say 'no'. It's not what I want to do, nor do I think it would be any good for Garden."
The surprise radiated around me as the others frowned and gulped and gawped, and only Quistis seemed to understand. Perhaps it was her selfish relief, which I wouldn't have blamed her for, but her eyes gave away a comprehension of what I was saying; almost proud that I had learned to refuse when I did not want something. She of all people knew that I had often gotten carried along with what the others wanted, and my standing on my own two feet seemed to strike a powerful chord in her. Her face lit up into an admiring beam and when I caught her eye, she smiled tenderly at me. As the others recovered; Zell scratching the back of his neck in confusion, Selphie blinking, Irvine cocking his head to one side with an eyebrow raised, I looked back to Cid.
"I know I've let you down, and I'm sorry." I added softly, not without sentiment.
I was pleased to see that his expression best resembled Quistis'; a small amount of satisfaction at how far I'd come. Perhaps he had sensed that I didn't want the job, but his admiration of me had made him reluctant to pass me over. This I understood, but it did not convince me to accept what I felt I should not. As far as I was concerned, I wanted time to figure out what I wanted to do, and I deserved it.
They offered the position to her some week or two later, and I can't say I was surprised. She was perfect for the job; scrupulous and strict, yet with an authority soft enough so as not to terrify her students. She was, in a way, always like Matron. Scary enough to ensure obedience, but caring enough so that you could curl up on her knee if you felt lonely, or unhappy. I was surprised when Seifer didn't fall for Quistis, but that's a different story. So Quistis was presented with the job; an offer which she initially thought was my doing. That, as I told her, was untrue. My forte is indifference and I tend not to interfere when it is not my place to do so. I said nothing to Cid, -or anyone else for that matter-, about whom I thought was best for the task. It was their own logic that handed them the wise decision to give it to her and nothing to do with me. She believed me in the end, the stubborn woman; I guess she just lacked a little self confidence, not least because she knew she was their second choice.
Still, she naturally accepted, and has been running the place for almost a year now. She's doing a grand job, as it happens. As for me, I worked out what I wanted to do some month or so later, after a few discussions with Cid. And that decision emphasises the other ways in which I have changed. The title I work under is 'Foreign Ambassador' for Balamb Garden. No doubt about it, it's a very social sort of job so I've had to come out of my shell a lot. It's social politics but I like it. Granted, I still don't like talking much when there's nothing to say, but I do enjoy politics. Working out other people's lies and exposing their cover-ups is rather satisfying, thank you. Better still, unfolding hidden links between nations used to exploit smaller nations, there's fun to be had there. The job is dynamic and interesting work requiring a cynical mind, and I'm probably the most pessimistic person I know. I'm still not quite down with the social side of it yet; the making speeches and shaking hands and sucking up to Presidents. But I do like conferring with the important figures of other nations, some of which I'm already familiar with, some not. I like listening to what they have to say; their complex opinions about how to manage our political universe. I like the debates, and though I'm far less talkative than the others, I do put forward my own ideas to an audience that seems to value them. It's all a question of give and take, the meetings held to discuss our options and strategies, but nonetheless it can be quite a heated job. I essentially have to explain Quistis' decisions, and say one of those has been to send a SeeD force in to break up a struggle between two countries? Having to explain to two angry leaders why they're being prevented from undertaking the natural course of revenge for their losses is not the easiest task I can think of. It requires a cool head, an understanding of the need to fight, and a firm tone. And, best for me, it's filled with pressure. I live with the noose around my neck, and I love it. I don't mind being of a lower rank than Quistis, or basically being the one who has to clear her actions with some powerful and usually fully armed men, because it's not for a moment boring.
Last week I was in Galbadia, trying to reason with a suicidal President who claimed that Balamb-G's intervention in his plot to protect Galbadia by building up nuclear weaponry was going to mean the death of his country and his people. And when I say suicidal, I mean that he had the loaded gun at his temple. It doesn't really get much more pressured than that. As a plus, I get to travel; maybe I inherited that particular hobby from my father. The urge to travel was an itch to me; I always enjoyed seeing new places, but I didn't like the fact that I was there generally to destroy them. Working as a Foreign Ambassador means that I get to see locations I never got to explore during the War, which only adds to the thrill of the job. It's fresh, it's variety and it's exciting. No, I wouldn't do anything else, even if that means I have to suffer Quistis' loud demands when I return to Garden. Like now, for example.
"Squall, listen to me. I know you're busy with this crack head from Galbadia, but-"
"Trying to stop him from throwing himself into his grave, yes." I sighed resignedly. "Kind of important, I would imagine." My sarcasm gave away my dislike of distraction, a feature I've had since childhood. According to Irvine, I would play with little building blocks when I was in the Orphanage. Hey, most kids do that at some point, right? Me, I didn't so much play with them as use them as part of some secret, hugely important construction mission lasting up to four days solid. Seriously. It used to worry Matron until she was almost ill because once I'd started, that was it. I wouldn't eat, or sleep. Everything became about the building blocks. If someone distracted me from those building blocks, they were in danger of losing a limb, if not their life. I can still sense a similar dedication in myself sometimes, though perhaps obsession would be a better term. At least I've moved on from building blocks, I suppose.
"I know that." Her tone was steely. "But this is important, too."
"It always is with you." I teased, though not without steel on my words. However hard I try to make my irritance come out in a joking tone, it never seems to completely fool anyone. I think they know me too well. I'm a moody bastard by nature, and I struggle to hide that a lot of the time. Why Garden hired me, I'll never know.
"How do you expect me to get anybody to listen to what I'm saying, without a few dramatics?" She shrugged dismissively. "But I'm serious about this, Squall." I knew from her tone that she wasn't lying, and with a roll of my eyes, I put some letters and papers I was drafting aside. There would be no peace until I gave in, that I knew. I just had to hope that the Galbadian guy had some minders with him.
"I've received word from your fath-"
I waved my hand abruptly. It's my wish always to retain a sort of professionalism in our respective jobs, despite us being friends. Plus, I had not exactly gotten comfortable with Laguna being my father. It's not the kind of announcement that's easily digested, and though we have an easy, relaxed friendship and a strong business partnership, it would be a long time before I saw him as a Dad. Sensing her error, Quistis continued unabashed.
"From President Loire of the Estharian Government." She finished, studying my face for a reaction.
"What of it? I hear from him all the time." I pressed my fingers together in a little temple-shape, maintaining strong eye contact in the vain hope I could intimidate her right out of the room.
"Yes, he is a touch on the talkative side." Quistis mused, putting a hand to her telephone ear absentmindedly. "But it appears he has justification for it this time."
"Oh?" I leaned back on my chair, swivelling from side to side like a bored teenager, which in essence I suppose I was.
"Mm-hm. He's worried about a possible threat to Esthar."
"Hyne..." I breathed. "Please, not another Lunar Cry. Last time, it turned out to be 500 balloons, released from Fisherman's Horizon to celebrate the rebuilding of the upside-down dome thing."
"I remember." Quistis smirked and tried to hide it. "He was in a state."
"Moron." I muttered darkly.
"Squall..." She growled.
"What? Alright, he's my father. That doesn't mean I have to be nice to him when he's not here." Tip? Don't get between me and Laguna. Most of the time, I do not want to talk about it. I hate obligation, is all. To anybody. I didn't see why he should expect verbal compliments just because he contributed to creating me. Trusting people takes time with me, and I don't care if he's my father or not. He has to prove he's reliable, and then I'll think about praising him some. Like I said, moody bastard by nature. I'm not hung up on it, so don't even try and guilt-trippify me.
"I don't care what insults you throw at Laguna. My problem is that you're not listening to me anymore." She pouted almost petulantly. She's intelligent as all hell, but we all act like children sometimes. People forget we're still only 19 at best; we're entitled to a little immaturity sometimes. Yes, even Quistis.
I sighed. "I'm not sure I ever was. No, go on. My dear Daddy's having a crisis because something's threatening Esthar. Again." That time, I didn't even bother trying to conceal my sarcasm.
"Not something, exactly. Someone." Her face darkened slightly, and I sat forward a little. Interesting. I hadn't heard anything about this in my work and wracking my brains, no names of rebels currently darkening the shores of our countries came to mind. Very interesting.
"Going to enlighten me?" I asked. "I fear you may have been tipped off before me." My grin gave away my amusement; the battle between us to outwit the other is usually gentle and in the name of fun, but a competitive atmosphere does exist between the pair of us and she seemed equally entertained by the idea that she'd beaten me.
"Surely not!" She scolded, a glint in her eyes. "Well, yes, someone. We've been trying to investigate it, but it's somewhat difficult given the distance of Esthar and thus, the distance of our surveillance. They want somebody to go out there to do research."
"Not SeeD, I presume."
"No, too risky. Esthar isn't sure yet as to exactly what's going on. That's why they need reconnaissance done and no military intervention for the time being. They also need someone to speak with the Government, to try and establish the situation and then stabilise it for the people."
"There's a panic, then?" I asked, my eyebrows raised. This did appear serious. Usually, governments do not attempt scaremongering of this kind. With other kinds, yes; usually in the name of financial profit. Make out that common colds are life-threatening, glorify an expensive cure, ka-ching! That kind of thing. But threats to the country were usually protected at all costs from being leaked, because this risked the fleeing of up to 1/2 of the population for safer shores, meaning downturns in the economy and financial stability. For the government to have warned the people, the situation must be real and grave indeed.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. Not many have left Esthar, as the threat has yet to be determined in terms of its size. But there is definitely the sense that Esthar is in danger, both from him...um! The...person, yes, and from the reactions of a terrified population." Quistis replied smoothly, though her eyes appeared fearful. There was something alien in her gaze that made me slightly suspicious, but I couldn't quite understand why. It was as if something was being kept from me.
"I see. Well, you can tell them I'll get out there as soon as I can, if that's why you've come to me." I replied, trying not to let my anxiety show on my face. This did sound indeed a serious situation, and there were tiny peaks of panic starting to rise up in my stomach.
"I had hoped you'd say that, yeah. I think it's what's needed now, until you can discover what's behind this threat, and how much of a danger it actually is." Her voice betrayed no alarm, and it suddenly felt as if we were discussing something as simple as changing the cafeteria menu.
I nodded in agreement. "I need to know the name."
"Name?" She repeated blankly, and I knew instantly that my suspicions had been right; she was trying a cover-up. Whoever this person was, she didn't wish to disclose him to me, and that made me angry. I do not welcome these sorts of lies, especially if I'm going to be sent out on a mission which concerns them. I'm clear-cut at heart; I like to know all the clean facts available to me. Even if they do concern details that might be painful. People tend to think that I went a bit screwy after the War, probably because of refusing the prestigious role I could have attained. There seems to be some silent conspiracy that believes I'm going to fall apart sometime soon. I've heard the whisperings, and I think they're taking bets. It makes me laugh, frankly. I went through a bleak period, yes, after it was all over, but I feel more alive now than I ever have. I'm settled, I'm happy. If they ever felt the need to worry about my sanity, during the War would have been the proper time. Back then, I felt like I was losing my grip on sanity. Now, I just feel free again, and Hyne, that's a good feeling. Aside from half the population of Garden thinking I'm a raving lunatic, my life is pretty good. Just have to set 'em straight.
"Name. Of the threat, please. Because I'm presuming that he has one." I repeated firmly, eyes back onto her with a sharp stare. Sure, we're friends. That doesn't mean I'll roll over to her and beg for mercy. She outranks me, but I'm scarier.
"Squall, I really don't..." Her voice tailed off uncertainly, and she toyed with the tips of her blonde ponytail with slender fingertips. Oh, no, I wouldn't do that. Don't stall and BS me. Very bad move. That really pisses me off.
"Now!" My eyes had darkened enough to really frighten her, and I knew by the way she started that my growl had caused considerable alarm. I have a pretty fearsome temper, one which I'd prefer not to have, but I have my father to blame for that. Amongst other things. The temper certainly does come in useful sometimes, though. Like now.
Lowering her head almost with shame and to hide her pained expression, she whispered the answer to my forceful question:
"It's Seifer...he's found himself another Sorceress."
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