I looked at her with glassy eyes, the name ricocheting off me like a bullet. "What?" I asked as I sat up straight, though we both knew I'd heard her clearly.
"Seifer, a Sorceress..." She sat down on the edge of my desk, looking at me with an apologetic, tender gaze. I placed one elbow on its surface, rubbing at my scar unconsciously as I tried to absorb this information. After a minute or so, I realised that my breath had quickened and my heartbeat was racing. The shock was unbelievable and I wished I could have told her to leave. I needed more information from her, though, and we both knew it. She was resigned to witnessing my shock, not that she seemed anything other than quietly concerned. She's the mother figure of us all, I think; to me, especially. At some point, she stopped wanting to drag me into her bed and started wanting to protect me from harm, the way a mother duck guards her ducklings. Most of the time, her mothering drives me mad but I don't mind confessing that I needed it then.
She reached out and took my hand away from my forehead, holding it in hers gently. "Don't do that," she instructed. "you'll make it sore."
"It helps me think." I replied tonelessly, looking up at her for some kind of reassurance. Something that would reverse the last five minutes. Anything.
"Maybe. But I don't think that's why you do it." Her voice was almost inaudible and it reminded me so dearly of Matron that I almost felt tears rising in my eyes. Shock isn't something I take well, in case you hadn't noticed. Nonetheless, she persevered with her argument,
"You touch it because he gave it you, that's why."
I looked at her sharply, initially thinking that she had a bloody cheek to say so. I knew she was right, of course, but losing face by admitting it wasn't on my list of favoured options. "Right." I merely responded, too weak to fight about it.
"It connects you. There's nothing wrong with that, and I know you miss him." She paused, then added, "It's something you do a lot, that gesture."
That, I was strong and keen enough to counter; being convinced that she was a) wrong and b) without suitable evidence to back herself up. "Bollocks I do."
"You do." She insisted, stroking my hand kindly. "It drove Rinoa up the wall."
Oh, Hyne...Rinoa. There's another thing that changed, and I may as well lump it in with Seifer. I think it can be easily summed up by saying that I just wasn't made to love a woman. I have a problem with them. Universally, they all possess the exact same talent at annoying the hell out of me and driving me insane, all at the same time. Even Quistis, who has become like a sister to me, shows particular skill in aggravating me. I don't know what it is about girls; we're just not compatible for long periods of time. I don't mind them as friends, provided I'm excluded from the shopping trips and the constant gossiping, but I can't even begin to imagine how any man manages to shut one up for long enough to sleep with one. Rinoa is someone who I love very much as a friend, but the idea of sleeping with her usually results in my having hysterics. I'm convinced she'd have to stop halfway through to make sure her hair wasn't mussed up, by which I mean her no offence. It's the way she is and she knows it. She's with someone else now and she told herself me that she answered the phone once when they were making love. Worse still, -and proving my theories about women and their motor mouths-, she refused to hang up no matter how much effort he put into pleasuring her. That's chicks for you. Rinoa and I were just not meant to be together, end of story.
She's my Sorceress, and I her Knight. That's what Selphie uses as an argument for us getting it on. Selphie's a pervert, really. Rampant. She fancies me nearly as much as she fancies Rinoa, and the idea of us together drives her crackers. Her words. Another thing about women right there; they share too much information with you. Anyway, there is the whole bond thing between Rinoa and I. Why it means I have to screw her, I don't know, but people have romantic visions of us Knights. I don't even consider myself a proper one, to be honest. I hardly see her, mostly. We rely on our trusty telepathic communication and besides, I don't think her boyfriend likes her having me as a slave. It's too weird for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never got into girls sexually and I was unsure about Rinoa, but by the end of the War, I knew that my affections were purely at a platonic level and she knew that I was gay. This was strange, because it wasn't anywhere near that clear in my mind. It wasn't even that she minded. She's still trying to find me a boyfriend, for crying out loud. I've accepted that it's what I am now, if only because the idea of loving a woman makes me want to nail my ears into a wall. I've always had a slightly odd thing with men, mind. Damn Irvine and his resistance to memory loss. This is where he tends to pop up with yet another cheerful anecdote from our time at the Orphanage; mostly useful in forcing me to accept major lifestyle changes or bizarre personality traits, like the building blocks obsession. Whether it's all made up or not, nobody knows because we can't remember. I am thinking of writing to Odine about that. Not being able to remember your childhood sexuality because of a GF is ridiculous, I'm sure of it.
I guess, though, that this is where Seifer comes in. Irvine swears on his life that when we used to have storms and such in the Orphanage, -and they'd be right monsters because of living next to the sea-, that most of us would hop into bed with our nearest companion for comfort. I'm sure he's probably right because I have dim recollections of his always sleeping with Selphie, whether there was a bloody storm or not. He claimed that Zell usually curled up with Quistis, because she was intelligent. What on earth that had to do with anything is beyond me, but that's Zell for you. Logic isn't exactly his best friend. But, Irvine claims, the very first person out of all of us to move was Seifer. That'd make sense to me; he hates storms more than anything. I don't really know why and I don't think he does, either. They just scare him shitless and apparently in the summers back then, we used to get lots of them. Apparently, the minute the first little rumbles started, way off in the distance, he'd be straight out of his bed and into mine. His macho reputation would fly out the window, but he didn't seem to care for toffee. All he wanted was protection from the scary storm.
Why the fuck he thought I'd protect him is completely incomprehensible. I was cold to everyone and everything at that time, apart from the building blocks. Yet he still chose my bed to sleep in when he was frightened, and my iciness never deterred him. Like I said, I don't recall this at all, but Irvine insists it's the truth. I don't see why he'd make it up, mind. I doubt he finds the idea of two men in bed together particularly attractive. Not that there was anything sexual about me and Seifer, ever. We're complicated, alright? Complex and a complete mess together, but we weren't ever sleeping with each other. Honest to Hyne. I don't think it ever totally crossed my mind, either. Not clearly. Maybe hazily, because I knew the way I felt about him was strange. I was aware that that there was something wrong with the emotion I usually felt when I was looking at someone I was supposed to hate. I've never been able to hate him, not properly. I couldn't muster it. I hated him for interrupting my chronic silence, or at least, I thought I hated him. I didn't like his hot interference into my life, or what I called a life and I despised him for the very action of making me despise him. I hated feeling and he made me feel, so I guess it was a natural assumption of mine that I thus hated him. Teenagers, alright, have very strange logic at times. Don't blame me for this.
I mean, ironically, I understand it now. I fancied him something rotten. He had all that dastardly charm; the charismatic, carefree bad-boy. Seifer never really gave a fuck about instructions or rules and I admired him for the fact that he could just walk on the wrong side and not care. But had I my time with him again, it wouldn't be admiration that would take it up. I'd have ripped that damn trench coat right off his back, along with some other garments I might mention. Yes, I admit it. I'm absolutely hot for him. Still, even after everything that happened. I was never all that good at hating him and we've been linked ever since we were kids. I sometimes think we pretended we were rivals because it made it easier for us to bear each other's company, because at the heart of it, we liked each other and hated doing so. I liked him, I reckon he liked me and we're immature so we say we hate each other's guts. Problem was, we never grew out of it. We resented each other for not being able to hate properly and the stronger the resent, the harder we fought. He cut my head, I cut his back. And yes, I probably do touch the mark more than is necessary. Rinoa did have a bit of a complex about that; she said Seifer did the same thing when they talked about me. She went out with us both, I suppose. Out of anyone, she'd know.
Hyne only knows what the deal is with Seifer and I. It was always more than a straight-up black versus white thing. I know now that my part in it was repressed sexual tension but what he feels for me remains a mystery. Irvine reckons he's bent and that he wanted me something bad. I'm not sure of that, at all. I could argue that he dated Rinoa but then so did I and I'm as bent as you're gonna get. I know he slept with her, his Sorceress. I know that because...how? I don't even know how I know. Perhaps it was something about the way he looked at her; those tiny glances of longing and of secretism. His trying to conceal his love for her and the way she felt bold enough to command him. The wisecracks, the taunting. It was all too involved, they were each too intimate with the other and I knew by the final battle that they'd been sleeping together. Out of whether she forced him, as part of the mind games and to seal his devotion, or whether she didn't have to, I'd go for the latter. My opinion is that he loved her, certainly. That he wanted and probably needed to go to bed with her. But all that doesn't make me any surer of his sexuality. I never saw him show any sexual inclination towards men and I know he slept with women. That tells me he's straight as an arrow, but something in my heart, or more likely my dick, doesn't want to get rid of the fantasy. Seifer would be a bloody good fuck, trust me. Just...trust me.
There was a time, as I've said, when I believed he was in love with Quistis. He flirted with her like crazy and every time he saw her, you could tell he was thinking with his dick. But apart from that and this might be why I know he slept with his Sorceress, Seifer always sought sex with those who could protect him. He always wanted to be protected. Matron used to protect him, when he thought nobody was looking. He'd cry on her shoulder until he couldn't breathe. Quistis is a lot like Matron; she cares in the same motherly way, and I think Seifer was drawn to that quality. Only thing was, he was an adolescent male by then and thus, he was thinking with his dick. It was why he found himself unable to stop teasing her instead of telling her he fancied her. Hyne, if he'd been older in that Orphanage, Matron would have been in serious trouble with him. That's why I believe he slept with his Sorceress. Because if I know Seifer, he'd have considered Edea his Sorceress. Matron. The same woman who'd comforted him through his years. His capacity for devotion seriously flattens mine and there's little doubt in my mind that he wanted to make love to her. She probably didn't have to brainwash him to bed him. All anybody has to do to Seifer to get underneath him is offer him comfort. I'm deadly serious; you can see it in his eyes when he seeks a lover. He wanted Quistis because she's beautiful, yes, but she has a nurturing capacity. That, my friend, is irresistible to Seifer.
And just so you know, I was never in love with him.
That's never.
"Yeah, point taken." I concluded to Quistis. "I need him, I want him..." I retorted sarcastically, rolled my eyes and then sighed, brushing my hair out of my eyes with my free hand.
"Squall, just shut up, alright? What you feel for Seifer, you have to finish. I don't care if you love him or you hate him, you have to get rid of the emotion towards him. It's too dangerous now." Her voice, though her words were harsh, was gentle. I winced all the same. I was ready to hear more, to get to the bottom of this horrible mystery.
"What's going on, Quist'? I need to know. Everything you've been told, tell me."
"I've been contacted by Esthar. They've claimed that, well...you know Seifer's been residing there, don't you?"
Actually, no. But continue. I raised an eyebrow at her.
"Oh. Well, I guess Garden didn't want you chasing after him like a lovesick puppy."
"I resent that." Oh, my Hyne, how obvious has I been, exactly? Had everyone except me been included in some mass e-mail chain, confessing all about how the great Leonhart wanted to get into Seifer's pants? Oh, fucking hell. I tried to keep my voice steady and non-committal.
"You want to hear the rest, or not?" She smirked.
I glowered at her, but waved my hand for her to continue. Her smirk transformed to a beam; a little smug one, but despite her teasing she was still keeping a hold of my other hand within her strong grasp.
"They're claiming that Seifer has been summoned again." She informed me. "By whom, they don't know. But they're aware of a rising threat. You know Seif'." She said it almost affectionately, "he can't just be summoned quietly."
"Hm. So he's making a song and dance out of the fact that he's got a new Sorceress?" That seemed strange. Surely if he intended to be a threat, he could draw little benefit from revealing himself so early on.
"Not exactly. But they are aware of it. He's beginning to prepare himself, see." Quistis pressed on, looking intently into my eyes.
"How do you mean?"
"They say that they've been monitoring him as much as they can without raising suspicion, and that it's suspected that he's trying to form an army."
I absorbed this information. "And is he succeeding?"
"They don't know, they can't be sure. He seems to be recruiting, but they have no numbers as yet."
"Get them onto that, will you? If it's true, then his intentions obviously aren't of a peaceful nature." I mused, sensing that something wasn't quite right about all of this but realising that my caution stemmed from not being out there. There were too many gaps in this radical idea and I would have to gain access for myself if I was to understand it fully. I didn't think for a second that the mission would be difficult. I know Seifer too well for comfort and I felt sure I could thus diffuse the situation pretty easily.
"Sure thing. You worried?"
"A little, but don't start a panic just yet. I need to get out there, Quisty. I don't understand what's going on just yet. Seifer's found himself a Sorceress, he's a Knight once again and it looks as if he might be attempting another shot at taking over the world. That, on paper, doesn't look so good for us. But, like I said, I can't decide anything until I'm out there." I was thinking aloud, but I knew that I couldn't do or say much more whilst I was still in Garden. This matter required urgency and I was in an instant on my feet, sorting and beginning to pack my paperwork together.
"I think it's best, yes." Quistis murmured, finally letting go of my hand and glancing at my hurried actions with some disdain as scattered papers flew everywhere. "I can get you out there tomorrow, if you want, but I will have to stay put, I'm afraid."
"I know. That's best. I'm not out there to kill him, am I? I won't need back-up." It was more a snappy statement than a question.
"Not yet." She retorted darkly, and then sighed. "That's why you have to try and detach from him, Squall. You don't know yet what you'll have to do with him."
"I'll deal with that if and when it happens. Quistis, what I need you to do, instead of worrying about how I feel about Seifer, is to maintain contact with me, you understand? I'll need updates on your communications with the Estharian Government, because I'll spend my first few days observing Seifer. I won't make contact with them until I feel I'm familiar with the situation. That's why I need you to keep up relations there, act as a go-between for us both."
"Of course." She said simply, as if this had already occurred to her. "That's fine. I'll request updates from you, too, about the nature of the situation. I'll need to know soon if this is going to be Sorceress War mark. 3, Squall. Very soon, if we and other Gardens are to prepare. We're already weak from the last one, so I hope it won't come to that but if it is likely, we need to know that from you." Her tone had already switched from caring to authoritative and her eyes were determined and steely yet somehow respectful. I nodded. What I had to do was clear to me. Watch Seifer, report back to Quistis. Meet Government, discuss with Government, report back to Quistis.
Piece of cake or famous last words?
"I'll set out there tomorrow." I informed her, gathering everything I would need from the office before heading for my room to pack anything else I would require and to get some rest. Preparation being key to a successful mission, I tended to start early.
"Fine." She replied. "I'll meet you at the front gate at 0400 hours for a last update and a re-cap. Get some sleep, you'll need it."
As I turned to leave the room, I looked back at her; a figure of drive and ambition, unwearied by the weight of her job. I admired her, truly, despite how she grated on my nerves sometimes. I loved her like a sister.
"Oh, Quistis?" I added, suddenly remembering what she'd distracted me from in the first place.
"Mm?"
"Keep an eye on the Galbadian Pres. for me, will you?"
She stared at me blankly.
"Just keep telling him to put the gun down." I informed her and left. I had a night of good sleep to catch up on and I wasn't planning on wasting another minute delaying it. Tomorrow wasn't going to be easy and I needed all the help I could get. I only hoped that this would be the one night when he wasn't in my dreams.
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