Let me tell you something, and listen up. Only the unluckiest of damsels in distress would end up with Squall Leonhart as her Knight.
Yours truly.
Hang on. Before I have half the population of the world knocking down my door with a variety of dangerous weaponry, allow me to explain. I mean, it's not everyday that someone disses the resident Lion. Surely worth a listen, right?
Okay. So maybe what I said isn't quite true. To give him his due, Squall was pretty talented with telepathy. Almost too good, perhaps, when I was young and impressionable and forever trying to size up his crotch. And he did save me quite a few times from the beasties and the scary magical women with even scarier plans for the world as we know it. Heavy stuff. Don't get me wrong; when he saved me in space, I had big hopes for him. I was trapped in that seal, all prayers abandoned to the cold realisation that This Was It. I was too scared to hope anymore, too petrified to form even the simplest of escape plans. I was no heroine; tears streaming as I stared at the one link I had to a world that was only just beginning. His ring, floating in front of me like a taunting trinket, reminding me of a life I was about to depart from. One in which I still had so much to do...
And then, him. Coming for me the way a hero should; eyes blazing, hair flying. He saved me from losing everything and gave me the chance of life again. Right then was when it crossed my mind that I was going to get my perfect ending after all. For I, Rinoa Heartilly, had always been a damsel awaiting her Knight in shining armour. Of course, I wanted my own place in the spotlight; I worked to gain my own strength and resilience, but I was no feminist. I was quite prepared to let him take centre stage and be his dainty maiden. I was a child of fairytales, so sue me. I didn't have the heart to burn my bra and avoid men for all eternity. I wanted one of my own with such a burning fervour that submission was never something I questioned. It was my aim as becoming a doctor or going to University is to others. Yes, there was the Forest Owls. That was my other passion, where any feministic leaning I had was injected, but deep down, I just wanted to be made a wife. Preferably by the Knight I was destined to be saved by.
There was no doubt in my mind that it would happen. I continued my work with the resistance force with determination, knowing underneath that one day, my dream would come true. I'd be waving from some bewitched castle-top, gazing prettily at my Superman; clad all in white and holding aloft a great sword as he slayed all of the monsters holding me captive...
Squall scored full marks here.
And then, he'd take me in his strong, firm hands, hold me close to him so that I could inhale the intoxicating, oceanic scent of him and kiss me. Really kiss me.
And here, he failed.
No girl is completely happy with accepting a hug in place of a passionate kiss, no matter how loving or tight the hug might be. Where romance is concerned, some things just aren't cricket. Selphie assured me that the situation wasn't as dire as I imagined and that a hug from my Knight was worth ten million from any other male, because Squall would rather amputate his own head than go within 5 feet of the arms of another human being. This apparently meant that he thought I was very special. Selphie at least, was very sure that within two weeks he'd be trying to rip my knickers off.
Irvine, to give him his credit, knew the whole time.
Squall was gay.
Hmph. Not exactly Cinderella, now is it?
Needless to say, Squall never went anywhere near my underwear. His pathological fear of female lingerie wasn't in itself a great quality for a Knight and I was left in a sticky situation. Sure, I had my Knight and he'd saved me and the world, and he was as gorgeous as sin itself. It was just like the fairytale, except for him saying,
"Sorry, Princess. Didn't I tell you that I'm in love with this Knight I met...?"
Of course, he didn't say that. That was a figment of Irvine's imagination, though his impression of Squall had obviously been well honed. Squall didn't say anything at all, which was quite typical. He wasn't even aware of it until it dawned on me in a sudden flash of darkness. In any event, it just meant that I wasn't the only one desperately seeking a Knight to love and protect me. It appeared that Squall had set his sights in a similar way. Of course, I was pretty pissed. I seem to remember some vulgar language left my mouth and when I think back, vague memories of violent behaviour surface as well.
Oh, come on. Don't look at me like that.
I was just a girl and the guy I'd fallen for had agreed to my accusation that he was in fact, just as hot for the guys as I was. If not more so. It takes the wind out of your sails, you know? Besides, it was the echo of the time. The world has just been pulled back from the brink of disaster; everyone was embracing loved ones and having the relieved times of their lives. Selphie and Irvine were setting personal bedroom records, and Zell was working wonders on the library girl. There were rumours that Fujin had chased Seifer halfway across the world and in reward for her efforts, had bedded the ex-Knight on a deserted, sunsetted beach. What I mean is that hormone-fuelled romance was in the air and I wasn't even allowed a sniff at it. And believe me, if I've a weakness for anything besides icebergs and leather pants, it's romance. It's in my blood from my mother. She used to sing about it, and if I had half the voice, so would I. 'Eyes On Me' sometimes seems so much like my feelings for Squall that it scares me, so I guess I got my sappy side from her. My sentimental side, I assure you, did not come from my father; for whom 'understanding' is no more than a word carrying many syllables. It's okay, though, because we girls are supposed to be romantic, right? We've evolved to wait by telephones, gasp at floral gifts or diamond treats, simper and sigh and bat our eyelids in candlelight. That's just the way we are, isn't it? I don't know. Maybe it is just me who wanted the whole deal; the husband, the 2 children, the beautiful house and the household Labrador. Hell, even the Forest Owls was a romantic venture. Fighting for justice, selflessly devoting yourself to a good cause and to creating a better world...sentimental, huh? That's just who I am. I can't help that, anymore than Squall can help wanting men.
But still, I suffered. I felt excluded from the one thing I'd always wanted; the fantasy I'd held for so long. I'd thrived on it, growing up and now that I had my best shot at obtaining it, Squall wouldn't comply. Didn't he understand that it was everything I wanted? Didn't he realise how important it was to me? How could my Knight reject me, when Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella always got their Princes? This wasn't the way of the world that I'd learnt and I was unused to refusal, incapable of understanding non co-operation. . Anything that didn't result in me getting what I wanted went under the 'cannot comprehend' category. This particular incident was absolutely guaranteed an inclusion in the category. I'd been a spoilt brat all my life, I'm sorry to say. Only, the blow was bigger because of the passion I held for it. It wasn't just another meaningless present or a financial hand-out, it was my dream. Being offered me on a silver platter, only the stubborn bastard wouldn't let me even taste it. At least, that's how I saw it. I'm ashamed of what I said. I can merely try and explain why I reacted with such humiliating anger.
I couldn't touch Squall the way I wanted, and though he was affectionate, it was the cool hands of brotherly love that touched me. He treated me like a sister, as if he were some dutiful Guardian. Not like the Knight he was; not filled with passion and heat and sex. I had a wounded pride, I admit it. I couldn't see why he'd rather sleep with a man than sample my delights. It was downright insulting. Men, yes, men are beautiful. Their bodies are godly, in places. But they don't compare to women, when undressed. They look stupid when they're aroused. Women are sleek, are neat and tidy. Men...dangle. I don't swing that way, but it doesn't take a genius to work out that we females have better nude aesthetics. And besides, why would Squall want to go through the pain of being fucked when he could just take the easier route and screw me? Sweet-faced, shapely Rinoa.
But all of that was before. I've had a while to come to terms with his leanings, now. And though I still can't understand his choice on a superficial level, I no longer find it personally embarrassing. He's now fairly sure he's been gay a while and repressing it, for one thing. At least it wasn't my influence that sent him over to embrace masculinity. And then there's the fact that I've moved on. I'm with another guy now, and whilst he isn't a hero, or a Knight and though he didn't save the world, I like him all the same. I guess I've learnt that love, that romance, it isn't about saving yourself for some Superman and then building a relationship based on your adoration and his indulgence. It's about mutual heat, passionate equality, and above all, fun. Whether or not I liked to admit it then, our professional bond would have gotten in the way had Squall and I been together. I said before that Squall was a weak Knight and in some ways, he is. He can't complete the picture of the romantic persona of a Knight, for one, and he's more a Neo-Knight in all areas, if such a thing exists. He's always there, but not usually in terms of physical presence. He encouraged me to build up my mental strength so that I could summon him when I needed him and therein lies our tie. We see each other socially quite a bit, but otherwise rely on our telepathic capabilities. Not exactly the way most Knights choose to play the game and possibly not the safest in terms of protection of a Sorceress. Quistis had her doubts about whether Squall was fulfilling his duties, and qualms breeding from there about how competent a Knight he was if he could quite easily stand aside from his Sorceress. I must say I wondered the issue too, but it's just Squall's way. Maybe it means he's a poorer Knight, but it simply isn't all he wants to be. He has his own dreams and for that I respect him. He wants more out of life than just standing by me. Aspiration lives inside him, a determination to follow his own path instead of just following me down mine.
Though I felt abandoned as a Sorceress by these confessions, I grew to admire the Knight I have. One whose loyalty is not wavering, but whose influence is never unnecessary. I feel his strength though I don't always see him and I trust him with my heart. I've stepped down to loving him as a friend and to be honest, I doubt my new man would like it much were I to insist that Squall stayed by my side at all times. Still, a girl has her dreams, you know? I still lustre after a Knight of the olden days. For all that I feel I've the strongest man alive as my Knight, I do sometimes wonder about whether he's a little distracted. A woman always likes to feel she's the centre of attention, after all. My, but it's a complicated issue. My overriding feeling is that the burden of his serving me would have obstructed what would have been essentially, a youthful relationship between two teenagers. Maybe we could have ironed out the creases, but sometimes I think we're better off as we are. At least I know he won't leave me for a younger, prettier Sorceress.
I worry about the Knights, though.
I mean, Squall was a gentleman about the shock revelation. He assured me that there was simply no way it could be personal and that he thought I had a heart of gold. A beautiful woman, with unbelievable warmth and tenderness, he said, and that I'd make some man proud one day. And, he added, he was sorry that it couldn't be him. I guess when he put it like that; it would have been impolite to continue yelling at him. Especially seeing as he couldn't help it if he wanted to sleep with men. It wasn't like he woke up one morning and decided he'd like to spend his life dolling out blowjobs. So, he insisted, he'd really like to be my friend and he'd always be my Knight, but he couldn't give me anything more than that.
Ho hum.
I forgave him, as it happens. My anger cooled and I saw what I've outlined above. I came to accept, for the first time in my life, that not every dice lands in your favour. Sometimes you have to compromise, no matter how large your dream or how strong your determination. I wasn't losing everything, after all. There were still silver linings to be had.
Of course, being Squall, he then spoilt the effect nicely.
His reason, -for being homosexual-, he'd decided, was that he couldn't stand girls. It was if he'd repressed a hatred for females from an early age and only just found out how to unplug it. Girls irritated the fuck out of him. They talked for as long as their jaws would hold out about nothing at all and were even more obsessed with penis size than men were. Precious hours that could be spent fighting, polishing gunblades or sleeping were spent at shopping malls watching said girlfriend trying on zillions of identical dresses before inevitably choosing the one that would do the most damage to the man's credit card. They were neater naked, but there was something far more impressive about the angling of an aroused male. Plus, they were simpler to get off. Where women were concerned, there was no hour of the day that was not filled with whiny chatter and even when she was being made love to, she could not bring her voice box to a stop. This, well...I blushed and tried to counter but it was pointless. In my case, anyway. And though I'm no feminist, I felt obliged to stick up for my sex and after many hours of attempting to explain the female psyche to a bemused Squall, we'd both come to the conclusion that he was better off gay and I was better off finding a bloke who found chatterboxes endearing. Not that this meant we couldn't remain friends, we agreed and we parted on good terms. I'd never drag him shopping or gossip to him endlessly. In return, he'd never tell me that whatever man he took as his boyfriend was sexier than me, nor further wax lyrical about the weaknesses of my sex.
So, we have a fairly easy relationship now. I still fancy him rotten, of course, because he's too beautiful for words, but I'm losing the physical aspect of it. I'm getting to the stage where I want to ruffle his hair and tell him that the men must drool over him, rather than feeling an urge to tie him to my bed and drool over him myself. It's not been easy; I still sometimes pine for my lost Knight, but all in all, I relish what we have. Squall's a dedicated, down-to-earth guy with a viciously witty tongue a lot of the time, but an open mind and a good heart. No, he's not a proper Knight, but he'll do.
Still, I do worry about the Knights.
In line with this brotherly instinct I have going for Squall, his interest in Seifer alarms me. Whether it's an ongoing crush, I don't know, but I'm not sure those ashes have died out from his childhood. It's not that I don't understand it. I fell for Seifer once. He fit the bill in my campaign for a True Knight and when I think of the epitome of the word, Seifer Almasy is the image that fills my eyes. You can't find anybody more dedicated or with a vaster, more passionate loyalty than Seifer. He would walk to the ends of the earth and back again if his Sorceress so desired; we saw that first-hand in the War. He sees Knightship as more than a job; it is a role. Seifer gives himself over to it, places his entire being within its margins and will not allow himself to be distracted from it for a millisecond. Brainwashed or not, his dedication spoke volumes and had I had more sense, I'd have gone for him instead of Squall.
Still, that doesn't mean it was a senseless decision to avoid leaping into bed with him. Contrary to popular belief, I never slept with him. Came close, but no cigar. Nope, Seifer is not the sort of person with whom it is a good idea to become romantically involved. He is without doubt an amazing Knight, but as a boyfriend, he verges on terrifying. He has too much strength, too much fervour and heat and for most women, I fear he is too much. You need immense strength to be considered his equal and even then, he may choose to treat you with disdain. You must earn his affections, as he is not a gentleman and will speak his mind clearly whether you're his girlfriend or otherwise. He certainly isn't romantic. Headstrong, passionate and brazen; that's Seifer. The whisper of sweet nothings doesn't even come into it. He treats his women like he treats his friends; callously, though with a thick dousing of his passion if you're close enough. Only for his Sorceress can he be truly tender and full of sentimentality. Otherwise, he is dangerous to get involved with on any other level than hatred. And certainly, I do not wish for Squall to fall into his sharp clutches.
Everyone around here knows that Squall's changed.
He became so much stronger after Ultimecia died her dramatic death. It was as if he fed from her dying blood and used it to build himself. Maybe it was just that the responsibility of saving the world was finally lifted from his shoulders, and he had room to manoeuvre where duty was concerned. During Ultimecia's year, he'd come too far to back out. After it ended, he had a chance to be what he wanted and to do as he pleased. He had time to live. He began to grow as a normal human being does, rather than with the forced haste that is typical of a young SeeD. Squall, without doubt, is a hundred times stronger in a mind than he was a year ago. He's got the job he wants, he's got the life he craves and he's happy. It's made the world of difference. But still, it's not to say that elements of the old Squall don't lie dormant under the surface.
Sure, he's more social now; he's had to learn to be. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to hide at times, behind a cold '...whatever' or a frosty silence. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel the urge to run away from responsibility at times. Not accepting the Headmaster role doesn't mean he lost the tendency to work himself to the bone without eating or sleeping. Being a Foreign Ambassador doesn't override his old habits; keeping emotions locked inside, getting down at times and refusing to share burdens with the others. He's got better but he's not over it all yet. He's replaced his coldness with an acidic tongue, gained a bit of confidence with his friends and made known to those around him that he cares for them, but sometimes all you need to do is look at him to see the young Squall. The vulnerable one, the one who was frightened, unsteady and unsure. He still doubts himself and gets down. It's just less frequent nowadays, but still...
He's too precious for Seifer and he's certainly not strong enough for him. Seifer is one hell of a bonfire and Squall...even his fields and fields of ice are no match for what Seifer could unleash upon him given half a chance. Squall needs someone to love him, not someone to scorn him with passion and disdain alike and leave him empty in the mornings. He needs strong arms around him, someone to tell him that it's going to be okay, not someone to add to his problems. He needs more than lust, in my opinion. Seifer is better off with Fujin; someone who can put up with his fireworks. Not Squall. Squall is vulnerable, even weak at times and very much a battered individual. He's in the process of healing himself; the last thing he needs is to get involved with someone as destructive as Seifer. I don't want to see Squall so burnt.
My feelings about Seifer are entirely mixed. On the one side, I admire all that he is; the red-hot, passionate, dominating and strong-headed young man who can bring the world to your feet. On the other, he is too dangerous, altogether too hot and cruel for those I love. Much as I'd have liked him as a Knight, I can't stand the thought of him near my friends. Maybe I could have handled him. Given time, I could have been the Sorceress he loved and maybe I would have been happy, but that's not so for Squall. Squall is not his Sorceress. Squall would be treated the same as all others Seifer has fucked; shown a wealth of brazen fervour until he became bored, and then thrown out to the trash. I know Seifer. He has never loved Squall and he's not about to start now.
It's no secret that I don't want Squall going out to him, to attend to whatever whim is going on in Seifer's selfish little head. But then, it all comes back to the same old problem I've been waxing so lyrical about. I'm Squall's Sorceress, not his girlfriend. I'm just the woman with the magic powers and not, it seems, the woman with the magic touch.
So what do I matter?
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