-Two days later-
There are a lot of ridiculous scenarios that I'm prepared to believe; Quistis declaring eternal love for me, Raijin becoming a first-class genius or Fujin in a dress. Squall Leonhart at my breakfast table; dressed in barely nothing and miserably eating a bagel as if the world is about to end, however, throws me. I blink my eyes a few times to make sure they're serving me properly and when I open them again, the little minx is still there. One knee is curled up to his chest, an arm holding it in place and the other rests against the leg of the chair. He has a faraway look in his eyes and a strange feeling of protection surges in my veins. But no, it would never do to let His Highness know that I've got the urge to cuddle him stupid. It's not like I'm in love with him, he's just such a child. He still looks about fifteen, you know. Still only a baby. I wonder what the hell he's doing here, standing defiantly before my impending wave of destruction, eyes wide and terrified but form unmoving. Just like when I brought Hyperion down on his pretty forehead. She never worked as beautifully as she did after she'd scorched him. Oh yes, I know he knows. Wouldn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what I've been planning and Squall is more intelligent than most. If I wasn't so prepared for this, I'd be worried. As it happens, he knows too much but it came too late for him. There's nothing he can do to stop me now and as far as I'm concerned, his continual presence is nothing more than a game for me.
"That bad, huh?" I grin, sitting down opposite him and grabbing an apple from a terracotta bowl just before him on the table.
"Hmm?" He suddenly comes back to life, eyes flashing blue and staring right at me. He hates being surprised and the slight dip of his brows as he frowns amuses me. Just like old times. "What?" He asks sulkily, as if the answer wouldn't interest him in the slightest.
"I meant the bagel. You're sitting there, face like Ifrit with a hangover. What gives?" My guess is that he found my names. Well, the falsified ones anyway. I can just see him in my mind; sitting there thinking he'd hit the jackpot, eyes shining and a smile on his face and then the discovery. Sorry Squall, game over. You really think I'd leave you the real names? Dream on. Oh no, what he needs is right here in this skull of mine. A place he's never been to and never will. Safe and truly sound. Crafty, aren't I?
"Hn, doesn't matter." He mutters, tossing the half-eaten bagel onto his plate and staring at it blankly for a few seconds. I take the pause in conversation to gratefully run my eyes over his lean form as he sits still. Maybe not such a child after all; he's definitely been training. It's not obvious unless you've got six years experience fighting with the guy, but that fits my bill. I can see exactly what's been built up, where the fresh, hidden strength lies. Those arms look even more powerful than they used to be and his shoulders have moved out; firm and strong. He's still as thin, which disappoints me. I always found him a pathetic victor over me, given his androgyny. Like being beaten by a girl. He used to hate me saying that his figure wasn't masculine, but let's face it, it isn't like mine. I don't have his tapered hips, his flat stomach and narrow waist and that gave me ammunition against him. God, how he hated that. I suppose I never told him how attractive it made him. Squall isn't classically beautiful. He was never the most popular guy in Garden, but I never a soul that could just glance at him for a few seconds. He has the kind of face that makes you stare, that sort of unique beauty that you don't see every day. Huge, dark eyes against a pale face with fine cheekbones, slight nose, a gentle jaw and that soft, luxurious hair falling into it all. He was prettier than a lot of the girls, and he hated that too. If he'd ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me beyond my training possibilities and the specs on Hyperion, I'd have taken him places, that's for sure. Rinoa is my lady, henceforth, but I wouldn't be displeased if she brought him along for the ride.
"Jesus, you really haven't changed." I comment lightly, with just a hint of sting. "Still so fucking grouchy over nothing."
"Seifer, just fuck off today, alright? I'm not in the mood." He puts one hand to his forehead, smoothing strands of dark brown hair with a look of tired pain on his face. Hmm, covering my tracks really is exhausting him. Poor baby. It's no fun being the pursuer.
"What's wrong?" I ask, the note of sincerity in my voice scaring me. Caring about Squall is probably a bad idea, given our circumstances, but letting him know has to be worse. For the first time in my life, I've raped him of all his power. Why give him any back?
"I just..." He looks at me, eyes clear and glassy, a note of reluctance in his tight features. It's something he doesn't want to tell me. Perhaps he's finally going to confront me about what I'm doing. I wonder if Rinoa's told him that his services won't be necessary anymore; there's something in his face that distinctly reminds me of being on the field test in Dollet and me kicking that dog to the curb. That same sort of sad-eyed, unwanted expression. Urgh, please. I know better than to fall for that crap.
"What?" I bark, my voice a little harsher. That's better. This is an interrogation, not a conversation. If you behave oddly then he'll know what you're up to, and you can't afford to be cavalier, Seifer. No matter how far you've come or how well hidden your plans are, this is Squall Leonhart. If he can get hold of an inch, you'll lose a mile to him.
His eyes look at me for a minute or so as he tries to find the words to voice his inner turmoil. I'm almost starting to enjoy the visage of him struggling again, trying to face up to me but finding himself incapable of it. I ask myself; what can he know? He'll no doubt know about Rinoa by now, his connections are too strong. So he knows I have a Sorceress. He's been through my work, so he has the 20,000 false names. He knows I have an army. He's seen the pretend battle preps I'd drafted up, so he knows I have a military plan. All he knows is surface detail, nothing underneath. He's more or less completely in the dark. I smile to myself, tasting his loss on my lips.
"Seifer, what the hell is wrong with you?" He eventually explodes, bringing both hands to his forehead as he realises that his preferred method of dealing with the problem isn't shouting after all. "Hyne, I..."
"I think I should be asking you that." I murmur amusedly, fetching a glass of water and placing it in front of him. "You're the one rambling on."
"Stop changing the subject." He replies, ignoring my offering. "That's not the point and you know it. I asked you a question."
I sit down, crossing my ankles and staring at him defiantly. "Then I'll have to ask you to elaborate, sweetness. I don't understand what you mean."
Sighing, he lets the provocative name-calling go and says softly, "No, well you wouldn't, would you. Seifer, if I ask you straightforward questions, would you give me lies instead of answers?"
"That all depends on the questions, Squally. I'll be optimistic and hedge my bets that there's gonna be something I'll want to worm my way out of." I smile sweetly, kicking his foot gently with mine. "Seeing as you're the big, bad policeman and I'm the lowly prisoner, and all. Come on, where's your sense of fun?"
"I think my mother took it with her when she died." He says under his breath, and then quickly, ashamedly, he covers it up with a question. His eyes are dark with pain and I almost find it within myself to feel sorry for him. "You think this is fun?" If the glare wasn't clear on his face, it was bitterly obvious in his tone. "You're worse than I thought."
Intriguing. He seems to have something new on me. Forcing back the cold fumes of dread that rise up within me, I comment,
"Question on, oh superior one. Let the Spanish Inquisition be well re-created."
I can see in his eyes that he's practically seething. He's always been this short-tempered but never quite so open about it. Whatever it is that's getting to him, I owe it a million gil; this is the most fascinating show I've seen in well over a year.
"Why did you tell me that Rinoa was your new Sorceress?"
Buzzer number one rings inside my head. "Ah-ah, Squally. Now, you know that's not true. I did nothing of the sort."
Taking a deep and distinctly nasal breath, he continues, "You insinuated it."
"That I may have done. Ask the right questions, see, baby. Yes, I probably did." Besides, I muse, it wasn't anything that you wouldn't have found out...when it was too late. He has no power over you, Seifer. Remember that.
"Why?"
"Why else but because it's the truth? Come on, Squall, you're not that stupid. Think about it. Straight down the line, that's me." I grin, showing my teeth. He's feeling as naked as he is; emotionally as well as physically. I can see it in his shifting and his unsure look. "Well, apart from the bisexual aspect."
"...That's not what she said." His eyes flash to the floor as an immediate, red-hot anger takes me away. I am unable to control the outburst that is instantaneous as horror grows inside me. I stand from the table in a brisk, violent movement and I see him look at me with fearful eyes as I yell,
"...No! You're lying!" As I speak, I swipe at the glass of water that stands by his relaxed hands. It takes flight gracefully, before meeting the wooden surface of a kitchen unit and shattering into a thousand pieces of crystal. Over the song of its destruction, I can hear his breathing.
He takes a moment's pause in the vain hope that it'll calm me down before replying smoothly, "No. She's been questioned, as you might have predicted. She knows nothing about any of this, Seifer."
"That's bullshit, Squall! Quistis' bullshit, someone's bullshit! It's not true. I know that I beat you in our little game two days ago, but don't do this to me! Don't say these things, not when you know how they hurt me. Can't you accept defeat like a man?"
"Can't you?" His voice retains the maddening gentle tone, as if he's talking to a lunatic. I will not tolerate this patronising attitude. My Sorceress lives for me to serve her, she cannot have denied me. Edea denied me and I will not suffer that again. Those cold fingers of agonising neglect will never touch me again. I will be a great Knight and Rinoa will love me when Edea couldn't. How dare Squall try to take this chance away from me, when it's all I have left?
"I am not defeated!" I stalk over to him and he rises from the chair, backing away. He is not afraid, but disturbed by my invasion of his space. Squall hates people getting close to him, but so what? I hate his cruelty. Truth hurts, but lies sting all the more.
"She would not deny me, not ever!" I continue, raising my arms and placing them at either side of his face, trapping him against the door. He squirms only a little, -testing the confined surroundings-, before wrapping his arms tightly around his bare torso and staring me full in the eyes with blazing, blue orbs.
"She loves me, my lady! What, are you jealous? You want her too? She's mine, Squall! I don't care what the hell you say, you're disrespecting her and I won't believe it! She loves me!" I continue to yell on, noticing with some frustration that he doesn't as much as blink.
"Seifer, this is delusion, can't you see that? This is my entire fucking point; what the hell has gotten into you?" His face is taut with misery and I know that it's not our position that's hurting him. How can he stand there, looking so pathetically pained at hurting me? He's playing the martyr and he's mocking me. He's laughing inside. I hate him. I hate him.
"I'm making something of myself again, Squall, that's what! I know you could never handle me strong but that's your shit. I'm going to get out of here. I'm not going to be abused and spat on anymore, I'm not going to sit by as death threats pour into my mailbox. I'm going to show the whole fucking world what it is to mess with Seifer Almasy! No more pain, Squall, just glory!" I slam one palm down onto the wood of the door and to his credit, he doesn't even flinch.
"You want to escape all this, don't you? You're living an utter hell and you'd do anything, believe anything, to get yourself out of it?" He whispers.
"She came to me, and offered me that salvation. She saved me, just as Edea saved me from the bunch of creeps you lot were to me in Garden. It's the same. Rinoa rescued me from this and now, I'm going to make it worth her while." I can feel the tension slipping away slightly, calmed by the stable look in his oceanic blue eyes. He isn't even close to losing his temper and that both unnerves and relaxes me at once.
"Listen to me, Seif." He says, eyes searching my face for some kind of unsaid agreement to meet his request. I nod very slightly, though I've no interest in hearing the views of this traitor. I should rightly kill him for his words abusing my Sorceress. Perhaps I will, when he's finished. Maybe that's all his words are; delicious pre-empts of his death. I will hear him speak, and then I will hear him scream. Tasty.
"Nobody can argue that you've been living a nightmare since the War ended. There's solace in nobody, you can't get a job or a social life and everywhere you go you're castigated and abused. You're a living target for millions of people. The world's most wanted man, the one who can never pay enough to balance out his crimes."
"Thanks for the recap, Squall." I spit out, glaring at him with blazing eyes. How can he even try to understand what I've been through these last months? He's Daddy's little boy and the world's hero. What would he know about pain and suffering?
"Let me finish. Because of that, nobody would blame you for being desperate to find a way out. It would be totally understandable that, at any cost, you would strive to make the pain go away. Nobody at all could point the finger at you for that." His voice is soothing, soft; like Edea's used to be. I have to fight against it to stay upright, not to fall into his arms and seek the comfort I need.
"What...what the hell are you saying, Squall? Talking in riddles, leading me around in metaphorical circles. Why can't you ever say what you mean?" I frown at him, flexing my hands on the doorframe as if to remind him that I hold the power between us.
"I'm getting to it. Listen to me, I'm getting there. I think there's something wrong here, Seif'."
"Sure there is. You're in my way, taking up my space and irritating the hell out of me."
"No. Well, okay, but I meant with you. There's something not right with you." He glances quickly to the floor before returning a steadier gaze to me. I swallow, staring right back at him. I feel my eyes flash as I growl dangerously,
"Are you saying I'm crazy?"
He studies me for a second, eyes searching my face. "Not crazy. That's the wrong word. But I don't think you're entirely mentally healthy."
I laugh. It feels so good to. Throwing back my head, I fill the entire kitchen with the low, throaty cackle. "Oh, this is just perfect. Who put this little joyful picture into your head, then, Squally? Was it Quistis?" I mimic her deliciously. "We can't have that little rat bag Seifer show us all up; we'll send Squall in to convince him that he's mad so that he'll give up on his plan to destroy us all!"
"Seifer, do you think for a second that I'd do such a thing? For fuck's sake, you know me. I'm not a sheep."
"No, you're a mercenary and it's close enough. Well, it won't work. I can't even pretend to be offended by it because it's just such a cheap, pathetic insult. If you want to stop me, you can't. If you're going to try anyway, you're going to have to try a lot harder than that, baby. Stupid, sheepy Squall." I grin widely, enjoying the look in his burning eyes. With a blink, I feel his hand creep up the back of my neck, fingers stroking the short curls of blonde hair at the nape. Before I have a chance to ask him what he's doing, he leans forward and places his lips to mine. Before I have a chance to savour the softness of his lips and his tenderness, he has retreated again and I am remembering that I'm angry with him.
"Fucking idiot!" I exclaim brusquely. "Don't ever do that again!"
"Sorry." He says quietly, brushing off the rejection as if it were nothing to him. "I just wanted you to know that I was sincere. I'm not following Quistis' orders, or those of anyone else, with this. This is what I believe. This is me."
I raise one hand to my lips and wipe them clean, enjoying the hurt expression that passes through his eyes quicker than a bolt of lightning. "It still makes you stupid, Squall. I wouldn't let you off just because you thought of this all on your lonesome, even if I did believe by Quistis et al haven't got to you. The bottom line is that you're wrong; I am not crazy."
"I know you're not. I just think that you've changed, and you're no longer entirely functioning normally. It's nothing to be ashamed of." He moves a little more within the cage of my arms, and I can see goose bumps on his cold skin. The kitchen is cold and he looks like he's freezing; icy and beautiful. I almost regret pushing him away, but kisses are about power. He was just trying to steal my power from me again; it isn't like he placed his lips to mine because he has any feelings for me.
"Sure, and you wouldn't be upset if someone called you insane."
"People have been, Seifer. It made me think, about how mentally stable I am. And you know, I'm not totally all there either. I'm better than I was before the War, but none of us from the Orphanage are totally normal human beings."
"So what's special about me, then?" I continue to glare at him, fascinated by the turn in conversation but not wanting to let up on the rage I feel for him. How dare he come here and spout Balamb Garden crap at me? They have no right to try and pull me down this way, not when I'm so close to realising my dream. My Sorceress will be compensation for this pain, I must hold strong for her. It is like religious martyrdom, I will persevere through the agony to give my life to the ideal woman, my Queen. I will sacrifice all for her; pride, strength, humanity. Anything to serve her. Anything to be saved.
"There's a lot of special things about you. In this case, I think you need help. You've gone beyond the others and I want to help you out of that little, black box you've placed yourself in." He speaks slowly, naturally and never once showing a hint of reciprocated anger.
"What box? What are you talking about?" Jesus, and he says I'm the one with mental problems. Can the guy not speak in proper English? Maybe that's why he was so silent all the time; not because he was sullen and shy, but because he can only talk in ridiculous riddles. Pathetic. At least I can communicate properly.
"This...alternate reality." He replies tentatively, knowing that he is now on dangerous territory. I can almost smell his fear and I find it comforting. Squall and I were always a screwed up union, though, weren't we? Nothing like the scent of terror to spur you on. As I am thinking; my curiosity aroused by his mystifying statement, he continues.
"This world you've created for yourself so that you can hide from the real world, from the pain of reality."
I blink, reining in my anger with worn ropes. "Excuse me? What the fuck? Real world, fake world? Squall, you're the one talking nonsense here. I don't know what the hell they've done to you back there but don't make me take the flak for it."
"Seifer...this isn't real." He's preparing himself for the final blow, I can see it. I feel all the muscles in my body go tense, anticipating the last sting. Lies, I tell myself. Whatever he says, it's all lies. Don't listen to him, it'll hurt too much. He's not with you anymore, you left those days behind. You've a Sorceress, now.
"Your Sorceress isn't real, your army isn't real, the military plans will never happen and you're not going to take over the world. It's not real, none of it. You have to realise that. You've created your own dream world, and now you're lost in it. I need to get you out."
As I lose control of my temper, I can only hope in the back of my mind that each time my hands slam down upon the wood frame, his face is no longer there.
"I have a Sorceress! She is mine! Don't take her from me, you bastard! You sick bastard! I hate you! You don't understand; she is coming for me, coming to save me and make everything alright again...She is as much me as I am her! She is my other half, my darkness, my light, my day and my night! I need her!"
Slowly, after my anger seems to be fully spent, I feel his arms stealthily wind around me. Not entirely sure what's happening, I allow my head to rest on his shoulder and lose myself in the rhythm of his breathing. I'll never believe that bullshit. No matter how good he feels against me, or how much I've needed someone's arms to embrace me, I will never fall for it. It's lies, all lies. I'm in the cocoon of the serpent, no matter how wonderful his body feels. I'm in the bed of the spider, the den of the hungry lion. I will not fall for his arms, for his tenderness. No. Not ever.
I may hide myself in it, comfort myself by it, but I will never, ever fall for his kiss. These lips have spilt poison before they have kissed mine. These lips have lied, created great insults to my lady and I, dared to make audacious statements about me in wounding verses. I will not fall for their gentle, winding spell. I will not fall.
...So why am I kissing them back? No. No, I cannot...I cannot...
The last whisper I hear before I think myself gone, it echoes long after in the hollows of my mind;
"Then let me take her place."
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