Before you start reading, three important matters:
1. All rights for characters, places and spells reserves to J. K. Rowling. she don't write shit like that.
2. English is not my native language, so please try to suspend any Grammer mistakes. Me and my Beta tried our best.
3. I got the inspration of writing this fictional diary from The Very Secret Diaries of LOTR (just Google it).
The Very Secret Diary of Severus Snape
Day 1:
Lucius Malfoy is locked in Azkaban and Sirius Black dropped dead in the Mystery Department. Everybody is very sad, especially Potter.
Hurray!
Day 10:
The Dark Lord lent me Wormy for a month because he likes me best.
Day 12:
Wormy won't clean my house.
Impiriused him and then gave him an order to stick his silver hand in the fire place.
That was rather pleasing.
Day 14:
Ciccy and the Belatrix Lestrange dropped by for a visit.
That Black bitch said that the Dark Lord likes her best, so I told her that he showed me his undies.
Ciccy asked me to protect Draco. Gave her the Unbreakable Vow.
Looking back, that wasn't a very smart move.
Day 20:
Dumby finally made me the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, Hurray! But shit, that means Potter would be there.
Been to Knockturn Alley and bought some posters of wizards who were injured by dark arts to hang in class. Then went to Diagon Alley and bought a poster of Lagolas to hang in office.
That damn Potter boy is still alive and Dumby took him for a picnic. Why him and not me?
Day 31:
Potter was late for dinner so I went to pick him up from school gate. Saw Tonks and told her that her new Patronus looks weak and then shot the gate in her face.
Sometimes I just want to shag myself. And then I start to cry.
Day 32:
1st lesson with 5th year Ravenclaw and Griffyndor, theydidn't like my posters. Looked for my old potion book and could not find it. Wonder if Potter has something to do with it.
Nope, he's not dead yet.
Day 33:
1st lesson with Griffyndor and Slytherin. Potter got rude so I gave him a detention. To some other news - I noticed that Dumby wears a pretty ring lately. Asked him where he bought it, but he wouldn't tell me.
Always taking all the glory for himself, that Dumbledore.
Day 37:
Potter is not dead yet, but I might be soon. Saw Draco's new Dark Mark and was impressed. The Dark Lord drew him a pretty unicorn next to it.
I think Draco is scheming something with other Death Eaters and not including me in.
Wonder if it's because of the beard I've start growing.
Day 43:
Dumbledore started giving Potter private lessons.
Right, "private lessons".
Day 60:
A student from Griffyndor was attacked in Hogsmead by a wicked locket.
Potter, Weasley and Mudblood Smartass had seen it happens. Minerva says it couldn't have been Draco, because he was at detention with her. Not buying it.
Too bad that locket didn't find its way to Potter. Might have cheered me up a bit.
Day 61:
Students are fleeing from Hogwarts. Not my fault.
Day 63:
Went to visit Ciccy in her pretty mansion. She started crying on my shoulder, so I patted her hair. It was smooth and shiny.
I really hope Lucius doesn't break out of Azkaban any time soon.
Day 70:
Going to ask Dumby to lend me his Pensieve for tomorrow to check when was the last time I took a shower.
Eve of day 71:
It was four and half months ago.
Day 73:
Slughorn asked me to postpone Potter's detention because ofa Christmas party he's having, At first I said no, but then he invited me to his party. I said I would come.
I hope Potty would die by then.
Day 75:
Christmas party wasn't fun. Draco still won't let me in his game with the Death Eaters, That meany.
I shall tell Dumby about he's secret game, and then maybe he will tell me where he got his pretty ring that colors your hand black.
Unfortunately, no one poisoned Potter at the party, but I found out he's excellent in potions.
If the Dark Lord won't succeed, I shall kill him in a heart beat.
Day 80:
Molly Grizzly is having a Christmas feast today and hasn't invited me.
Fortunately, Tonks isn't going either, so I shall tell her all the Lupin jokes I know!
"A Vampire, a Villia and a Werewolf walked into the forest…"
Day 81:
Went to Hogsmead and bought a Christmas present for the Dark Lord - a Pigmy Puff that shoots Unforgivable Curses at Muggles. Black bitch bought him one also, but he liked mine better.
HA HA bitch, 2-0 for Severus Snape!
Day 100:
Potter cursed Draco with a Sectumsempra curse in the girls' bathroom.
Told him to show me all his books, but the little prick hid my potion book and showed me other student's book. If he hadn't found that curse in my potion book, you can call me Furry-Face Sevvy (Fits me, actually. ).
Day 110:
Had an argument with Dumby in the forest.
Told him I'm not willing to continue the secret plan unless he tell me where he had got the pretty ring he wears.
Unfortunately, Dumby had forbid me to talk or write to anyone about the plan, but I think I can write the cool code name I hade come up with:
"Operation killing Dumby so Snape would live".
Day 120:
Had my Half-yearly shower and ruined Professor Flitwick's sponge guard.
Day 137:
Hagrid's stupid spider died. He buried him at night with Potter and Slughorn.
When I die, no onewill bury my.
Day 149:
Met Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf that bit Lupin. A very nice man.
With that long silver hair and pointed ears, he kinda reminds me of Inuyasha.
Day 200:
Killed Dumbledore because he is super-mean-none-sharer-senile-git and had seen my undies. It's also because he asked me to.
Shit, but where am I going to work now?
R&R please!