-One month later-
However hard I try to make my body go to sleep, the blissful escape eludes me. Seifer lies happily in slumber beside me; spikysoft hair wedged between my collarbone and my shoulder, arms draped over my belly, but even the sound of his rhythmic breathing cannot lull me into sleep. Blinking at the dark ceiling, I nuzzle gently against his hair with a weary sigh. I don't have a clue how much time we have left. I've talked to him about my father's resistance, even begged him to leave with me and to hide somewhere where the world cannot hurt him, but to no avail. He dismisses the subject as though it exhausts him and I'm getting more worried than I let on. If he remains here, Laguna will kill him. That much is certain. Death can only await his stay and I just don't understand why he won't run with me. If I press the issue, he goes wild, and I leave it alone on the premise of knowing that my father will not do anything without a prior warning. Perhaps a day or two before the death date, he will issue public statements, his victory calls to an adoring public. Delay will only work for so long, though, and I'm just so scared.
"Squa'?" The voice is husky in the darkness and I look down at the previously slumbering blonde. He glares up at me affectionately; green eyes soft and full of sleep. "Stop thinking, I can damn well hear you."
I look back at him steadily. "It's not that easy. Just go back to sleep."
Propping himself up lazily on one elbow, he yawns and asks, "Come on then, what is it? What the hell's going on in your head?"
Given that he's so relaxed from being asleep, warm and comforting, and that he's unlikely to remember the conversation in the morning, I decide to bring up the demonic subject again. "I just wish you would run with me."
"Squall..." He breathes softly. "Hyne. Listen to me. I can't do that. I'm not stupid; I know what's going to happen to me. Laguna wants me dead and will see it done, I know that. But I can't run. Not anymore, I've run too many times now. I have to face it, Squall, and so do you."
"What, you want this to end? You don't want to be with me anymore?"
"I want you to have a life, Squall. You're terrified of having a life and sometimes I think that's why you love me as much as you do. You don't need to have a life when you're with me because mine is big enough for the both of us. You can drive me to hospital, take me to my sessions, talk it over with me, calm me down from the attacks and all the while, you can fool yourself that you've got a life. You gave up your life for me, Squall; your home, your friends, your job. I'm going to give you it back with my own and nothing you can beg or plead of me is going to change that."
"This is our life, Seifer. Ours, not mine or yours alone." I insist, grasping hold of his biceps more with fear than anything else.
"I am not condemning you to this for the rest of your days. You're not even nineteen, Squall, and you behave as if you're forty already. You spend every damn day worrying about me, fussing over me and looking after me and it's ruining you. You're turning into a wreck because this is too much for us to do together. I can't make you believe that there's nothing wrong with me and your beliefs are exhausting you. I just don't want you to miss out on everything because you were too scared to let me go. I'll do it for you, if you can't do it yourself." He stares at me, eyes firm and demanding, grip on me just as tight as mine on his.
"You don't understand." I say weakly, voice no more than a bare squeak. "You just don't understand."
"No, Squall," He replies, "I understand too well."
"So this is it, then? I should give up?" My voice is becoming angry, desperate to find some way of changing his mind. How can someone like Seifer, so full of ambition and promise, just let go like this? It's totally unlike him and it completely unnerves me.
"I don't want to go on like this, Squall. I don't want to keep doing this to you and I don't want to have to live for the rest of life like some hunted animal, taunted, teased and trapped. I'd rather die gracefully when I have the chance than spend every day worrying about being caught. I can't live like that and neither can you. I'd be tying you down and I'd be tying myself down. It's not giving up, it's acceptance of inevitability. I don't want to lie any longer like this."
"No..." I hear myself say, distant and foggy. "I can't...Seifer, I can't just let you do it, I have to..."
"What, save me? You've been heroic all your life, baby. You need someone who can look after you now. For fuck's sake, look at yourself. You're absolutely exhausted, and my love for you isn't enough of a reward to keep you going. I'd end up hating myself if I condemned you to walk my path. Find someone who'll be your hero, Squall; stop being everyone else's." He keeps up the firm gaze, letting me know that he's sincere and that he will not back down. Suddenly, I am scared that if the deed is not carried out by the government, he will take care of it himself.
"I don't want anyone but you." I admit feebly, holding tears back by force of restraint only. "I don't want another hero."
"And I don't want to live this way. Please, Squall; don't make me carry on like this. You've been selfless for me before and I need you to do it again. Give me up, it's what I want. Whether I'm ill or not isn't important anymore, I'm a wanted man and sooner or later, I'll be caught and killed. Don't drag this out until we're consumed by the fear of a killer that never comes. Please, let me go."
"Seifer..."
"No, don't. Please. Just do this for me. I know it'll hurt you, and I'm sorry, but in the long run it'll spare you of scarier things than this initial pain. I know what I'm doing, Squall, and if you won't do it for yourself then do it for me. I want my dignity and I want my pride. Please don't take that away from me."
He lays himself back down, resting his head in the crook under my chin and I draw my arms around him. Taking this to be an agreement before I can even begin to understand his words properly, he sighs contentedly and closes his eyes.
"Grant me a dying wish, if you like." He whispers suddenly, interrupting my painful thoughts.
"What?" I whisper back, voice almost inaudible.
"The Orphanage," he replies, settling back against me with a brush of red-hot skin. "Take me back to the Orphanage." Once again, he is silent, and tears run down my face as I lie in the darkness, waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
---
A week later, I'm making good of my promise; or rather, I've accepted his request with only the bare minimum of pained resistance. Laguna's statement spread across the globe yesterday; six days after Seifer's confession to me that he was ready to die. The President stands a damaged figure observing the scene as Seifer and I walk, hand in hand, down to the beach. I'm not allowed to take Seifer to the Orphanage alone, the government being afraid that we'll embark on a runaway trip to escape the iron hand of the law. Laguna is an acceptable chaperone, even if our conversation remains on the frosty side. He is wise enough to know when to back off and give us both privacy; probably aware that he should give me my moments alone with my lover, given that he will soon after be killing him. Tomorrow. Such a long word for those bare crumbs of time. I can't even begin to understand the meaning of it, nor the impact of it. Saying it over and over again in my head does nothing to drive home the message; Seifer will die tomorrow. It's unreal, it can't be true. Something within me refuses to believe it; some ingrained shield of denial blocks the idea time and time again. It's probably for the best; it's the only way I can keep a smile on my face.
"I'm glad you're smiling," Seifer comments, looking over at the cloudy rush of the blue sea. It roars over his words, drowning them, and for the first time I wonder what it'll be like never to hear his voice again. The smile nearly falls. "It suits you better than that scowl you always wore."
"Hey," I point out, battling to keep my voice light. "That scowl paid homage to you, mister."
He grins. "Winding you up was the light of my life, Squally boy. Never was all that good at much else."
I put my finger to his lips. "Stop it. Those were her words, not yours. You don't need a Sorceress to be a hero, Seif; you were a perfectly good one without. She never made you any stronger than you already were. She added no worth to your name. As far as I'm concerned, you'll always be a hero."
"You'll remember me as one, then?"
I bite my lip. "Yes."
"Thank you." He says simply, guiding me into the shallow depths of the frothy surf. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the foreboding sight of my father; a black shadow over an otherwise beautiful picture. My hand is warm within Seifer's and too many thoughts flood through my mind; how I'm going to live without him, what I'm going to do when I wake up in two days time and he's no longer there. Selfish visions. The future must surely be more frightening for him; that dead end staring him straight in the face. He looks tranquil, though, and that gives me the courage to believe that what we're doing is right.
"Are you sure about this?" I ask cautiously, leaning unconsciously against his warm, black trench coat to fight off the coast breezes. The sky is a bright blue with only the tiniest glints of navy warning of the coming of the evening. It is cold, though, and I can feel a chill on my bare arms. The white vest and cut off, light blue jeans aren't any sort of opponent for the rough, salty wind and I'm glad of Seifer's forethought to dress warmly.
"You mean am I scared?" He corrects, a wry smile on his face. Looking at him with the wind whipping through his hair, you'd never know that there was anything the matter with him. Being out here alone with him isn't an experience that's entirely comfortable; always with him I'm slightly on my guard, preparing for a potential trigger. It is, however, as peaceful as life could get under the circumstances and the shadows of the future. I have faith in his medication to keep him from harm, but since he found out about the governmental discovery, the drugs have lost their effect to help him. He's gotten so much worse since he was found out and the irony of that is bitter. They're killing him because he's too dangerous, yet the reason for the threat is nothing other than their discovery. He would have improved had it not been for that final shock, the forcing through of his death sentence. Or would he? Perhaps it's just my wishful thinking, after all. My heart still wants to keep him alive, and I must confess that my mind hasn't quite gotten itself out of the same ideology.
"A bit. I don't know. It's no new idea for a soldier, is it? I was prepared to die from the moment I decided to go for SeeD, from the second I knelt at her feet. It just feels like inevitability, really. It's probably worse for you. This decision has been clear-cut ever since Laguna found out, whereas I suspect you'll always have questions."
"I guess so. I just don't want to lose you, is all. I'll keep asking myself whether it was really necessary, whether I could have done more to keep you alive-"
"No. This will be the one battle between us that I will win, Squall. You know as well as I do that if they don't kill me, I'll put Hyperion straight through me. There isn't anything you can do to keep me alive, I'm determined to do this. Don't ever, ever blame yourself because I promise you now, if you asked me to stay alive for you, I wouldn't do it. And you, you're the most important thing in my life. If I won't do it for you, I won't do it for anyone or anything."
I nod solemnly; unable to think of any response to his statement but knowing I'll remember his every word for an eternity. We begin to walk again, reaching a curve of beach shadowed by an expanse of cliff face. Carved into it is the entrance to a small cave, and Seifer stops to gaze for a moment into the darkness inside. I wonder if he's thinking about his life like that; some passage into the mysterious, black unknown. Before I have a chance to ask, he turns to me and smiles a little.
"You nearly became a Sorceress to me, after all. Grounding my illusions, as you call them, to some solid earth. My mind took off and you kept it in sight of home. Damn near became what Rinoa should have been for me. She'll find another Knight, I suppose, but you...? I want you to do the same."
"Let's not talk about this now." I finally decide. "We have this one last day that you wanted, Seif', don't fill it with all of this. I'll think about it enough when you're gone."
"Then what do you want to do?" He asks with a quirk of an eyebrow, a sly challenge raised in that one, tiny gesture. I shrug, perplexed; this is his last dream, his day. It's up to him to choose the way he wants to spend his last day on Earth, surely?
"Your choice." I say, matter of factly, flexing back on my heels and watching his face with, finally, a sense of some fragment of peace. And with the slow, unashamed grin that spreads across it, I know immediately his answer to my question.
---
"Are you-" I gasp out as he lowers me towards the sand. I am too aware of the presence of my father, of the crumbling surface I'm resting on, of the possibility of this being just a dream, to believe that it's really what he wants. Hands firm at the small of my back, he leans over me, taking a break from sucking and nibbling my neck to retort,
"If you're going to ask whether I'm sure, just shut up now." He grins, holding my hips tightly against his. "Doesn't it feel as though I'm sure?"
A low moan escapes my throat as I tilt my head backwards and whisper, "More than sure."
Making me comfortable against the yielding, soft sand beneath me, he covers his body with mine and throws his trench coat to the wind. Coming to a sitting position, I repeat, "I just wanted to ask. I don't want you to regret anything."
His hands fold over mine, wrenching the tight, white vest over my head and tossing it to the ground beneath me. I hold tightly to the sides of his face as he presses lips to my throat, licking over my collarbone to nibble at my nipples and the crevices of my ribs. Bringing his eyes back up to hold my gaze, he whispered with swollen lips, "How could I regret this?"
Looking straight into glowing, brilliant green eyes I feel myself throwing caution to the wind. He is everything that he was so long ago in that dream; a furnace of sinful heat and addictive charisma, and I knew my reluctance would be short lived. I capture him with my hands, feeling his lips meet mine in a frenzied haze of kisses, fast with the press of time and our feelings for one another. It's never happened between us; being somewhat irrelevant in the face of his illness and my responsibility, but clearly our bodies never thought of sex as something unnecessary. I can feel tongue hot against mine as he rids himself of his shirt, my hands flurried around his face and neck, fingers grasping at the metal pendant at his throat. It is steely cold against my hot palm and I sigh against his lips, drawing back to drown in emerald eyes. Pushing me back down against the sand with one firm, steady hand against my shoulder, he props himself up on his elbows and kisses from my forehead, over my nose and finally my lips; gentle and soft. Drinking him in, I wind my hands to the back of his head, raising my hips to touch his, slight thrusts displaying a need I could almost be embarrassed about, if I could care less. He reciprocates the gesture with the barest flick of his own and I can feel his smile against my mouth.
"Just lie back, Squall." He whispers as he bases himself on my thighs. "Just let me watch you. I want it to be the last thing I remember tomorrow."
Unable to speak, I obey his command and lie still, one arm thrown over my head and the other twining the chain around my neck. His lips move down my body, lapping and nibbling gently at points of interest, making me squirm into the hot, afternoon sand. As his mouth grazes lower over my body, I feel tempted to move my hips upward; put my back into it, but I let him call the shots this time. Restraining the urge to satisfy myself, I watch him lick a broad stroke down my breastbone until his tongue dips into my navel and he is still. Planting a kiss on that spot, I reach for him as light touches are placed down my lower belly; sensitive skin prickling to the feel of soft, full lips. I wish I could put my hands in his hair, show him my appreciation for his treatment but judging by the look on his face, my jagged movements are enough. Slowly, his hands wind around the waistband of my jeans, releasing the fastening and stroking beneath; the sudden heat of his hands taking me by surprise and making me gasp. Nuzzling his nose into the lines of my hipbones, he traces a quickly tongued pattern over my stomach and grins at my reaction.
"Let me do something..." I husk, scrunching up granules of sand within my fingers and setting them free with lazy hands.
"Stay still, that's all I want." He informs me in reply, a quick flick of his wrists ridding me of my jeans in a fluid, shockingly rapid movement. "Beautiful this way, just don't move. I want you just like this."
I place my head back into the hollow of sand underneath me and let him explore me in his own time; not exactly comfortable with being this submissive and unresponsive, but allowing him to take control. He runs warm, strong hands down my legs almost as if he is imagining Hyperion in his grip; something precious to him and something he knows inherently how to control. Thumbs rotate around my thighs, knees, ankles; little crevices that bring a sprinkling of goosepimples to my skin and make me shiver all over. Eventually, he crawls back over me, looking me straight in the eyes before allowing me to kiss him back, suckling firmly on his collarbone as he frees himself of his remaining clothes; a dark cloud thrown to the breeze that finds its way to the pale, warm sand. He kneels over me, hair blowing in the wind, arms stretched out to his side as I curl around his chest, delivering little nips where I can reach. Running hands over the backs of his thighs, we're locked in an embrace which finally brings out lips together once more; rising passion clashing in the force of our kisses. Taking the initiative, he lies back down with me comfortably trapped underneath him, smiles almost in victory and strokes a strand out hair out of my eyes.
"I can see the scar better." He grins, by way of explanation. "Mark of my ownership."
"Kink," I retort, replicating the gesture on his forehead and watching the smile grow warmer. "Seif', how are we going to...?" I say, with a sudden realisation. "We haven't got anything."
Crawling away from me with a guilty smirk, he returns with the necessary equipment, a flush over his cheeks. I gawp at him in an undignified fashion.
"My Hyne, you were pretty certain I was going to say 'yes', weren't you?"
"No lies, baby, I thought you would. But if there was the slightest chance in my mind that you would, I wanted to be prepared. This is the first and last time I'll ever get to do this with you, Squall, I didn't want to risk anything going wrong. I wanted everything perfect."
I say no more, forcing back the niggling little thoughts whose only purpose would be to serve the doubt in my mind. Leaving a sharp laugh to respond to his statement, I drag him back to his position over me on the sand and spread myself out for him. His eyes flutter over me, now completely vulnerable to his gaze, his heat, everything that he is. He takes hold of one of my hands, kisses the wrist, licking his tongue over my fingers and driving me insane. Seifer has this habit of focussing on the irrelevant, and this translates itself with me as being a deliberate misunderstanding of my erogenous zones. Looking into his deep green eyes, I know that he's teasing me, delaying the moment until I'm really begging, and something about this idea unnerves me.
"Don't, Seif'. Don't tease. Just come here, let me kiss you, and do it."
Knowing that I want us as equals, and that I want our union to be swift and inevitable, not distracted by odd teasing or feeling obligated to delay the moment, Seifer obliges. He cannot know of my dream, -how scared I was of his switching reactions, his delaying of explaining to me his true feelings and his psychological teasing-, but he does sense the urgency in my voice and he adheres to it. Running his hands up my body, he lets me kiss him into submission, working his grip underneath my thighs and making me breathe fast against his mouth. Slowly, he brings them to rest upon his bare shoulders, taking pause to lick my anklebone with a flash of his tongue and a cheeky grin. I wriggle a little to place myself better, wanting to bring him closer to me, wanting to see into his eyes. As I move towards him, I feel him begin, softly and almost without sensation, to prep me up. It is a strange feeling the first time around; cold within heat, but I pay more attention to his eyes wandering all over me beneath him. I need to maintain that eye contact, feel the emotions running between us, to feel comfortable. He takes my hand with his spare, kisses it, sucking on one knuckle, smiling all the while. With my eyes, I ask him to come downwards to face me and his promise to do so comes back to me in a flash of emerald green. Once he has sufficiently prepared my body for his entry, -and I leave that knowledge to him with the slightest grunts of intrigue and eventually, pleasure-, he gives me one nod.
Preparing myself, I am surprised to feel him duck his head wickedly into my groin for a few last touches of tongue; diving into shadowed shapes of bone and softer flesh with wet, full lips. Supporting me by the calves, he acknowledges my squeak with a smirk and looks back at me with one eyebrow elevated. Reaching upwards, I take as much shoulder I can in one hand and pull him down to me for a long, passionate kiss. Somewhere in the jostle of our lips, he prepares himself and I force through the entry, winding my left leg around his upper body and pulling him within me in a sharp, violent thrust. Eyes wide, his hands move immediately to my sides and he looks at me with concerned eyes, lust burning in the pupils.
"You shouldn't have...Squall, are you alright?"
Despite the inevitable pain that accompanies my lack of patience, I nod and bring him face to face with me. "Just move." I whispered back. "Move."
The rush of euphoria that sizzles through my veins as he does momentarily makes me breathless and he steadies his arms against the sand. Looking down at me, we make eye contact for no more than thirty seconds, but I feel closer to him than at any other moment in my life. Jade orbs hold my gaze, burning with pride, passion and if I dared, I could believe it; love, and my hands slowly capture his face so that the expression won't fade. As he moves slowly, making the discomfort of the new sensation easier for me, I bring him down for another kiss, forcing myself to focus on the softness of his lips contrasting with the fiery force of his kisses rather than the pain of his every thrust within me. I think he must know that it hurts, feeling the tension that I can't help exercising with the anticipation of his every movement. Slowing down completely, he finds other ways of pleasuring me; trying to take the edge off the sharp sensation, trying to make me feel good. Kissing tenderly across my neck, throat, chin and in smooth lines across ticklish plains to my earlobes, he moves his hands across my belly and takes me by hand. I flick my hips into the touch, growling contentedly with an edge of the surprise pleasure and he smiles down at my half-closed eyes. One hand stays at the base of my neck as I rise up into the stroking, amazing touch and lean my head back, eyes closed and falling into some sort of illusive dream.
"I'm okay," I manage to choke out. "Go, go, I'm...oh God. I'm okay."
Chuckling under his breath and kissing me full on the lips, he manoeuvres himself back into position and begins, once more, to move within me. Keeping up his frantic, burning hand, I no longer feel the insistent pain of his movement and I rock my hips back towards him. His growl rumbles deep in my ear and I smile at him, resisting the urge to stick my tongue out. Seeing the look in his eyes, I can almost feel the smile fall; his expression renders me almost motionless. His eyes are dark with lust but they burn with something I've never seen before on Seifer's face; a soft, frail expression of such emotion and care for me that I almost stop dead in moving. Gently, I run one hand down his face and try, in some unspoken way, to tell him that I understand and that it's reciprocal. Still moving, he buries his face in my shoulder and I believe the moment to be passed, moving my hips upward to meet him and reaching blindly for one of his hands, feeling as if I'm heading out of control and needing stability. As my blood starts to boil and my vision turns lighter, I only barely feel the soft, crystalline touch of tears on my collarbone. He pulls back to look at me; one fluid drop of salt landing on my face as I hold tightly onto him.
"Sorry," He whispers, though the word is unnecesary. "It means...this...everything. To me. Means everything."
I nod slowly, and he understands that it means the same to me. A weak smile crosses his face and his eyes seem to well up all the more, moving rapidly now within me and making me feel as if I'm on the edge of the world. I reach for his hand with mine, enclosing it within my palm and feeling myself move closer and closer to oblivion. The union between us created by these moments is almost too much to bear; that we are joined brings such a rush inside that I know it's not going to take long. Physical pleasure combines with emotional satisfaction and the beauty is too much for me. The sky darkens above us as we move as one, as heat pours from his skin into mine, as he joins himself with me; the shadows hit contours on our bodies. The sand is soft where I'm lying, safe and warm. Nothing like that dream I had; this is too serene, too comfortable and altogether too loving to be compared to that sharp, brittle moment in which my heart was spat upon. Yet the pleasure is the same; passionate, greedy and giving way to a desperate need for feeling between us. I would devour him if I could and I want this moment to last forever. Climbing upwards towards the end, I want to stay this way for the rest of my life. I could quite happily stay on this beach until eternity, feeling him plunge within me and making me whole.
When oblivion touches us both, in the heady roar of gasps and cries, I allow myself to believe that tomorrow will never come.
---