It's Christmas afternoon, I'm bored, so here's a Christmas treat for y'all. Much death and gruesomeness.

It was a difficult Christmas for all. Christmases were supposed to be happy and perky, filled with candy canes and screaming toddlers (who fortunately were not allowed to attend Hogwarts, except for the one incident of the child prodigy Jarom.) But not that Christmas. Though the school staff tried to go on with their various holiday traditions (Christmas tree, Christmas feast, evil anti-seasonal vendettas), the recent tragedy was too strong to ignore.

Yes, Cho Chang, who had burned to death after being struck by an eight-year old pack of chocolate Smarties, had returned not as a zombie, but a vampire.

Most students considered it a rumor. After all, J. K. Rowling had been pretty specific about the lack of vampires in the series and besides, vampires never attacked during Christmas! To think otherwise was just silly. And Cho had always been fairly pale. So despite the fact that three quarters of the student body had attended her funeral (in which she was buried next to her ex-boyfriend Cedric against her probable wishes), most would scoff at the idea that she could be undead.

But the various female students of Hogwarts felt differently. They knew. Most of them had been there that fateful day when Luna Lovegood had done Cho in. For days afterwards, Hermione the Zombie had even been kind to Luna, considering Luna's lousy shot simply a defense of Hermione. For that time, the wild fire over Neville Longbottom gave way to a semblance of peace.

Until that Christmas.

Neville loved plants. Ginny Weasley was most aware of that. Pansy Parkinson had once flirtatiously mocked him about it. Padma and Parvati Patil had tried to shower him with rare Indian shrubs. Fleur Delacour often pointed out to him that her name meant "flower." Lavender Brown often pointed out that her name was a flower and needed no translation skills. (Of course, Pansy, being a Slytherin, forgot all about this.)

But no one else had even thought of what Luna dared to do.

"You must come see it, Neville!" Luna had shouted after randomly walking into a common room that was not her own. "A plant! It's amazing!"

So Neville, being Neville, followed her in complete and utter naivety to a classroom. For a moment the thought that this was probably an "empty" classroom fluttered at his mind, and he remembered the CPR practice with Hermione and the resuscitation dummies. But no, this was Luna, the crazy Ravenclaw girl. She wouldn't know anything about CPR or other first-aid skills. So he stepped into the classroom.

It was empty.

And mistletoe hung above the door.

Fear flooded Neville's body as Luna moved in.

Fortunately, Fleur, Pansy, the Patil twins, Lavender, Ginny, and other various non-male students passed by at the time, on their way to join forces against the supernatural powers of Hermione and Cho.

They saw what Luna was about to do to Neville.

"You holiday strumpet!" Ginny shrieked. "I thought you were my friend!"

Luna turned at the outburst. She hadn't expected this. They were all against the liberation of the talking tinsel!

No, that couldn't be right, for they had all signed the petition. Could they be against... her and Neville?

"Run, my darling!" she screamed, pushing Neville to the floor. "Run!"

But the only way to run was out the door. And it was blocked by girls.

Girls made Neville shy.

So he huddled in a corner while chaos reigned.

The non-Luna girls moved in, manicured nails gleaming in the torchlight.

"How dare you use festive decorum against us," Pansy hissed. "How dare you."

"You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!" Luna replied. She was wearing festive holiday teddy bear earrings. Ones that could easily morph into robotic armor.

Lavender screamed and jumped at Luna. "Rowling has said that you and Neville will never be together!"

That was a lie! Luna turned her earrings on. Or tried to.

"Electric robotics do not work inside Hogwarts!" a voice cried from the ceiling.

Everyone looked up. Hermione the Zombie and Cho the Vampire were above, laughing evilly.

"We have you in our clutches!" Cho said with a sneer. "You cannot escape!"

Fortunately, Fleur had not only paid attention in herbology class, she was a regular reader of The Quibbler, and knew of the anti-supernatural-slut powers of mistletoe.

Unfortunately, Ginny guessed what she was going to do. If Fleur rescued them all, she would be the hero... and attract Neville.

In the bloodshed that followed, the mistletoe was flung from its place on the doorframe and accidently struck Hermione as she dove to the fight scene.

She disintegrated upon contact. A tube of lipstick clattered to the floor.

"Luna was right," Padma said. "It was lipstick poisening." Then, with an evil laugh rivaling Hermione's and Cho's, she flung the lipstick at Luna.

But the moment it touched Luna, she vanished.

All the girls cheered. Hermione the Zombie was finally gone, and Luna was also, for all intents and purposes, gone.

Unfortunately, so was Neville. He had escaped during the commotion through the door (which had been left open when the girls had moved in on Luna and was now happily opening his presents and hanging out with the guys.)

Yes, all that Christmas had brought was tragedy.

Merry Christmas!

SHOUT OUTS!

dragonfirechick: My friend Chad suggested the Smarties.

Dragonsbane1611: Thanks!

flyingfireworks: You know, I think I will have to bring Draco and his villainy back.

Hydrangea777: Oh, I hate Cho with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. And yes, Neville will get together with whomever survives. (I hope it is Luna, even though JK says it's a no-go.)

krenya-alenak: Cho deserves gruesomeness. This is probably the most violent story I've done.

LCH8292: I don't know why they like Neville. I just thought it would be funny.

liseli: Eh, briefness is fine.

mirficus: Glad I did get a laugh out of you! Of course, anything is funny at 4 AM.

MyOwnLittleWorld: Thanks!

rosepetal13: Bwahaha! She only said she was napping.

The Spatula Chick: Thanks for your opinion, but this is a parody. Please give me better criticism than what you gave me. And I happen to find Neville adorable.

Tru Lys: And we must fight against the zombies!!!

UniCornVampire3z: Lol! I think Luna was the easiest to keep in character. It's hard to keep them in character and still acting... like this.

v-babe24: Merry Christmas, cuz!