It had been decided. In a world of non-Mormon history and practice where no one ever bothered to read Robert Jordan novels, only one solution was apparent: One girl, and one girl only, could have Neville. And as the rampant chaos over him had led only to bloodshed, death, and way too many meetings with Dumbledore and parents, there was only one apparent way to select a girl for Neville–since it was clear that he wouldn't be allowed to have a choice in the matter. So in a mass rebellion the student body brought forth a vote: All girls who wished to win Neville's affections would be sentenced to stay on an island, magically created, in the middle of the lake. The survivor? She would be the one to win Neville's heart.

So Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, Parvati and Padma Patil, Lavender Brown, and Fleur Delacour packed up their cosmetics bags and hair care products and hopped a boat for the island. They also brought with them bag upon bag of anti-supernatural-slut lipstick and garlic, in hopes of keeping away Hermione the Zombie and Cho the Vampire, who had not been invited, due to their status of being dead. As for Luna... she had completely disappeared, rumored to have transcended to the next world.

But six girls, in love with the same boy, alone on an island with the complete Clinique skin care line... there was much less swimming in the lake at the point, and the entire school held its breath in anticipation of the outcome.

France wasn't like this, Fleur thought as she staked out her tent at the edge of the beach, where the rising sun would hopefully not awaken her too early. Back at Beuxbatons, the natural world was controlled. A mosquito would never be allowed to even approach. Never. But now... She swatted at the nasty insects, wondering if Neville would still love her if she was covered in infectious rashes brought on by diseased mosquitos.

But she was Fleur, quarter Veela. She could rise above such. But the other girls... they couldn't possibly be so lucky.

It was getting dark. She needed her beauty sleep. Terribly much. No girl would ever dare attack in the dark. Never. She rolled out her sleeping bag, the one lined with silk, inside the circle of protection she had created against any supernatural brat that would dare approach. Why couldn't Hermione and Cho just stay dead? Well, Fleur would be fine against that. Only one more thing was needed before she slept. Padma had kindly given her a box of dryer sheets, which supposedly kept away mosquitos. Just slip one in the sleeping bag...

Her hand stopped above the box. A trick. It had to be a trick. With a smile, Fleur took the box in hand and tossed it into the woods. "I would never take edvice from a girl 'oo is not a natural blonde!" she screamed.

But a second scream, more pained and anguished than Fleur's responded back. "It burns!" Flames, distant through the trees, lit up the darkness.

Oops. Parvati. Fleur would have felt guilty, but one more rival down... Unless she could make that two. She darted through the trees, using her wand to send flames to burn them out of her way. She found Parvati rolling on the ground in pain, too panicked to use a Flame Freezing charm, screaming bloody murder and glaring at Fleur with malice.

Fleur tried to look as innocent as possible. "It was Padma, your sister! She told me to do it! She told me!"

An evil laugh echoed, and even Parvati and her burning body paused. Padma stepped from the trees, looking particularly villainous. "Yes, it was my idea. And Fleur, darling, you walked right into it!"

Fleur gasped. "But... but I thought that you were trying to kill me!"

Padma shrugged. "Eh, I don't care who dies. Every Muggle knows that dryer sheets are a fire hazard anyway, even if they do keep mosquitos away. I didn't expect witches to know that."

"But we aren't Muggles!" Parvati wailed, trying to beat out the flames that were consuming her.

"I dated a Muggle-born, darling sister. One that wasn't anywhere near as sexy as Neville, but he provided his uses. And now, Fleur, you French whore, you shall also die!" Padma pulled out her wand.

Fleur gasped. "You vould not dare!"

"I'm killing my twin sister, why wouldn't I kill you?" Indeed, Padma showed no semblance of guilt. "Die!"

But then, horribly, Padma was struck from behind, with a well-placed toss of peach cucumber body lotion. It broke open upon her skull, and burst, spreading to both Fleur and the already flaming Parvati.

The deaths were horrible.

And, somewhere above in the trees, Ginny and Pansy shared a rare laugh and a high five.

For one night, at least, Gryffindor and Slythering had managed to create a temporary alliance. Always necessary for surviving on an island.

But it could not possibly last.

Nor could they possible see, during their elation, the flaming body that was slowly crawling toward the cool waters lapping at the beach...

Shout Outs!

wickedricia: Cho is a nutcase. Glad you enjoy this! Thanks!

Tru Lys: Thanks!

Swordmaster J: Yes! Yay for randomness!

RealityIntrovert: Ooh, I love Neville/Luna. Absolutely I do.

meenyrocks: Thanks!

Lady Kazaana: Of course Jarom is a prodigy!

Krenya: The talking tinsel is a loooong story.

Frosty Pickle Juice: Thanks!

fluffytoe: I wanna Neville bunny!

Eric Cartmen's Evil Minnion: It's kind of sad Neville doesn't make many appearances in this.

BaYeR04rulz: Neville is the coolest, isn't he?