Where You Lead
Chapter 4 - Everywhere You Look
A/N: Hi guys. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I discovered the world of fan art and so I've been busy with that and skool, so again I'm sorry!
Disclaimer: Thanks ASP and the creators of this song!
Whatever happened to predictability
The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV
Everywhere you look, there's a heart
I'm here to hold on to
Everywhere you look, there's a face
Of somebody who needs you
When you're lost out there
And you're all alone
The lion is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look
Everywhere you look
"You're making me crazy!" Jess screamed. Red-faced and sweating, he struggled with Jimmy to get out of the room he'd been locked in for the last eight days.
"No, you're making yourself crazy." With one final shove, he managed to get Jess into the armchair beside his bed. "This would be so much easier if you would at least try to help yourself."
As Jess had assumed, Jimmy had taken Jess back in without hesitating. He'd also without fail, locked Jess in his room and sat in there with him since he'd arrived back. Jess had said himself that he didn't want a life of drugs and sex anymore. He'd, for the first time in his life admitted that he needed help. So that's what Jimmy was trying to do. Help. But at this stage, it didn't seem to be going well. Over the last eight days, Jimmy had endured nineteen years worth of drug-enhanced rage and wasn't feeling any better for it. And what was worse, was that Jess didn't show any sign of running out of ammo for quite some time.
"I swear to freakin' God Jimmy… If you don't let me out…" Jess started.
"You're gonna what?" Jimmy met Jess's request for a threat. "Hit me with more shit about what a crap father I am? Punch me again? Do it! See if I care. And see if I care less from it!" He demanded.
"Oh right! Here comes the, 'I love you no matter how bad you treat me,' phase right? It was so a mistake to come back to you. Stella tried to warn me, but I foolishly thought I knew better! Well more fool me!" Jess yelled, mainly at himself, because it seemed Jimmy had switched off.
"And where is Stella now Jess? Out sleeping with rich, old guys for money! Is that how you wanna live? Huh? Is it?"
"Actually yes!" Jess got up of the chair he was in and moved towards Jimmy, who was blocking his exit. "So, if you'll kindly get outta the way…" Jimmy pushed him forcefully back into the chair.
"I'm not moving. Which means you're not leaving. And if I have to wait another eight days, hell if I have to wait another eight years, for God knows what to flush out of your system… Then it's gonna be a long eight years for you." Jimmy told him.
"It's none of your business what I inhale. Or smoke, or whatever. The only way, to get me to calm down is to let me go!" Jess tried to explain, still screaming. Without warning, Jess threw himself into a fit of rage and started picking up everything that wasn't too heavy and throwing it against the wall. Once he was done with that, he tried to take on Jimmy. Throwing wild punches left, right and centre. Jimmy however grabbed a hold of Jess's arms and pulled him tightly into what could be mistaken for a hug. Jess struggled for a while, before crying himself into a deep sleep in Jimmy's arms.
With that Jimmy took the opportunity to put Jess on the bed and shower and eat before Jess woke up and started the whole cycle again. Insults, threats, fit, tantrum, exhaustion, sleep. That's the way it had been twice a day, every day for the last eight days.
Over the coming weeks, Jimmy slowly began to see Jess come alive. The real Jess. Not this shell of a human, who'd been inhabiting Jess's body for the last twenty months. The fits were less fits and more screaming matches with Jimmy. He slept longer and mainly at night. He was coherent enough to have civilised conversation. It seemed that whatever Jess had poisoned himself with, was finally washing itself out of Jess's body.
But something had changed. Jess had given up the urge to get out. He'd even admitted that he didn't have the burning pain that a hit would have cured anymore. But something wasn't right. Jimmy still didn't trust him enough to leave him alone. So as Jess sat on the edge of the bed and stared out the window, Jimmy had to look away. He hadn't been much of a father and probably deserved the majority of what Jess had said to him during his withdrawal, but to see a guy that messed up, carrying so much pain around, a guy that happened to be his son, damn near killed him.
"Jess?" Jimmy said quietly. Jess turned to look at him. "When you look out the window… What are you seeing?"
"Not now Jimmy. I'm not hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there. I'm a junkie, not insane." Jess snapped back. Jimmy took that as a sign that Jess would rather be left to his thoughts and picked up the book he'd started after last nights screaming match. He was half-way through his third page when Jess spoke.
"Sometimes I see her smiling like an evil clown, like the one from 'It.'" He said calmly. "But most days she takes the form of someone who's actually out there. Walking the dog, or buying a hotdog, or hailing a cab." Jess told his father, not really making any sense.
"She? Stella?" Jimmy asked. Jess snapped his head around to look at Jimmy. As if he'd never spoken.
"Huh?" Jimmy figured that Jess hadn't meant to speak aloud, so kept it to himself. He was glad his son had finally opened up to him, even if it was by mistake.
"Nothing, I was talking to myself." Jimmy reassured him.
A few weeks had passed by and Jess seemed back to his old sarcastic self. Jimmy hadn't allowed him to leave the house, but not because he didn't trust Jess to not stay clean. It was more he didn't trust the outside world. But no matter how normal Jess seemed during the day, Jimmy still walked by his room and found him staring out the window. Probably staring right at 'her'.