Where You Lead
Chapter 10 - I'll Be There For You
For Jess.
Disclaimer: Thanks ASP and The Rembrandts!
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke
You're broke
Your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year
But I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're there for me too
You're still in bed at ten,
And work began at eight
You've burned your breakfast
So far, things are goin' great
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees
that
I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're there for me too
No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows, what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst I'm best with you
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year
I'll be there for you I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you...
'Cause you're there for me too
Should he knock? Should he turn the handle, and if it opened, should he walk in? Should he wait in the lounge and hope she'd come down soon? No. All ridiculous ideas, but the last, particularly ridiculous. Walking into the inn had been hard enough the first time. Sitting in the lobby was just a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off. Eventually, he swallowed his pride, and everything else he was trying not to feel, and knocked softly on the door.
As she opened the door cautiously, the result of years of living in a big city, Jess stepped back. He didn't really want to go in. He didn't want to deal with the huge mess he'd made of everything, but change was good right? Amber opened the door and stepped aside, allowing Jess into the room. As he stepped past, she caught a whiff of his aftershave. He smelled citrus-y, but in a guy way. It was a smell she would only ever associate with him, it was a smell that would only ever smell good on him.
Jess looked around. It was a nice enough room. Very uni-sex. No pink, no floral curtains, no tasteful, arty portraits of naked woman, that would be sure to distract a male, tasteful or not. No sports magazines, or fluffy red pillows. Very Lorelai. Very Rory. Jess brushed the thought away and looked to the situation at hand.
"Are you thinking about her?" Amber broke the silence, reading his mind.
"No." Jess lied. "I was thinking about what I was going to say."
"And?"
"Nothing sprung to mind."
"Huh."
"Why did you come here?"
"I already told you…"
"Yeah, to talk to Rory. Try again Amber. What could you possibly have to say to Rory, that's so 'secret' that you couldn't tell me?" Jess demanded, marking the air with his fingers.
"You wouldn't understand. And even if you would understand… What makes you think I want to tell you?" Amber, suddenly gaining inspiration, ploughed on. "I came here to get away from you. You're not the same. Ever since I got back, I've seen it. The gazing out the window. The staring off into space. The non-committal sentences. You act as if you have no place in the world anymore." She looked around the room, self-consciously. She wasn't sure if she wanted to continue with her diagnosis, but she knew she had to. "Before, you believed the world owed you some huge favour and you played the part. You were Mr. Sarcasm/Tough-Guy/Punk/Guy-With-Chip-On-His-Shoulder. And now you're just this, shell of that guy. You pine away for this girl you've placed on a pedestal, yet you refuse to do anything about it. And then there's me. The best friend/advisor/counsellour/girl-you-sleep-with-and-ditch-the-next-day. What about that?" Amber took a breath. She should not have said the last part. As much as she didn't regret it, she knew he did. And that being the case, she wanted to forget it ever happened.
Jess watched his friend as she paced the room, her voice getting louder, her accent becoming more prominent. Everything she said, hit hard. But with each word, he felt himself drifting further and further away. Because everything she said was true. He wasn't that hard-ass, punk, kid anymore. He'd seen a world that a lot of people will never see. He'd survived a war a lot of people will never survive. He'd made the second biggest mistake of his life, by having sex with his best friend. The whole time, in love with somebody that didn't love him back. And the truth was, he could never love anybody else as much as he loved Rory. That was the way it was. He couldn't help it and he couldn't change it.
Amber forced herself to look at Jess. She was met with the look of despair that had overcome him. She'd meant to shock him into realisation, not force him into hiding.
"Are you going to say anything?" She asked him, timidly.
"I was actually thinking about leaving."
"Just like that? No reply whatsoever?"
"What can I say? You're right. About all of it. I'm this pathetic loser, who ran away to California to seek out 'Daddy', then got wound up in the drug world, then slept with his friend, while in love with someone else. Is that what you wanted hear? To hear me tell you that you're always right. Well you are. I made a mistake. Several mistakes actually." Eyes blazing, Jess ran out of steam.
Amber felt as if he'd taken a swing and hit her square in the face. It was thing to know in her head that Jess regretted sleeping with her, hearing it aloud was quite another.
Covering her face, to muffle a sob, Amber turned away from Jess. She silently prayed for the water works that threatened to hold off. Gaining some form of composure, she turned back to Jess, defiantly.
"I have to shower…" Taking the hint, Jess nodded slightly and headed for the door.