Some of this was written while I was on vacation in Hawaii. The rest is complete and utter crack.

YoungSasuke - Thanks! Well, you got it!

Fuyumiko-sama - It is, or at least, it should be. I'm pretty sure it counts; I don't even bother getting up until the day's half-over, anyway. -.-;;; Thanks.

NanamiYatsumaki - Heh, thanks. I just hope they're not too OOC, but they probably are. -u-

just a boy - Yeah, neither can I. ; ;

sasuke's cherryblossom - Thanks!

Brown Shoe Laces - Eh, that's what they said in episode 82, I think! But if not, then it's my bullshit and you should get used to it. ; (That's where the doom comes from).

minase-chan - Kisame and Sasori have their own parts to play, but they'll need a little more convincing.

blisblop - Well, it's not as though I could stop... -u- I think I agree with you; it's i rather /i odd. ;

dark.angels.sacerfice - Thanks, I will!

I usually don't respond to reviews unless something spectacular is said, but I'm just glad I'm getting reads and reviews! This is a big problem on other fanfiction sites, let me tell you!

On a side note, this is story occurs before Sasuke goes to Orochimaru.

START

"Before I make my top-secret plan public, does Itachi no danna's brother have any other romantic interest? Un?" Deidara asked eagerly.

"I don't know," Itachi answered mutely. He wasn't entirely sure whether Deidara was acting in earnest or if it was simply one of the Iwanin's elaborate jokes. If it was, Itachi knew more than a few ways to kill someone...painfully. That being the case, Sasori and Kisame would also have to die, and Itachi was certain that Akatsuki couldn't afford to lose any more of its members.

"He doesn't know," Deidara repeated, shaking his head in dissatisfaction. "You have to make sure the object of your affections is available first, danna! If they're not, then you know you have to kill the love interest! Un!"

"You're really into this," remarked Kisame. "This kid is twelve or so, right, Itachi-san? How can he possibly have a love interest?" Itachi was silent.

"Kisame no danna obviously doesn't know much about the kids today!" Deidara sniffed the air, his younger age making him (for the first time) superior. "They're little whores! Un!"

"Of course, Kisame," Sasori commented, pointing a slender puppet finger at Deidara. "Look in front of you. Whore."

"Quiet, you!" Deidara snapped, flushed like a child in a tantrum. "How is this helping Itachi no danna? Un?"

"You idiot," Sasori argued. "You don't believe that you're actually helping him, do you? As of now, you are only a nuisance. So young, so naïve."

"Excuse me," Itachi said demurely. "Before a fight breaks out and we lose limbs and lives, I would like to say that I never asked for anyone's help. In fact, no one was even supposed to know about this." Least of all the people he worked and lived with. This was a little heavier than coming out of the closet.

"But that proves that Itachi no danna has pent-up sexual frustrations! Un!"

"And that's not good," Kisame finished. "So admit it; you need help."

"That's not the kind of help I mean!" insisted Deidara. "I meant that they should hook up, not that Itachi no danna should see a shrink! Un!"

If Itachi had been a little less stoic, he might have cried. Instead, he thanked whatever deity chose to be listening that he was so stolid.

"Therapy wouldn't be a good option, and it's not the only one," Sasori volunteered. "The brat could be right for once."

Deidara flashed his partner a smile. "So, danna," he continued, as though he'd never been interrupted. "When was the last time you saw Sasuke-kun? Un?"

"He showed up unexpectedly when Kisame and I went to retrieve the Kyuubi," Itachi murmured. "I was not prepared."

Kisame and Sasori had not read Itachi's masterpiece, so they didn't understand. Itachi hadn't expected his beloved little brother to be quite so weak, so he'd been forced to be rough. Although Kisame had seen it with his own two eyes, he hadn't perceived it as an act of love. Sasuke's attitude had seemed rather negative, and his older brother had shown him no mercy.

"And you told him to hate you," Deidara concluded with a few slow blinks. "Doesn't sound like a very good basis for a relationship. Un."

"He has to," Itachi insisted, shaking his head. His stomach was growling and he was not in the best of moods; he needed to end this quickly. "You read the notebook."

"I did," he agreed happily. "But I disagree with you on that point. He doesn't have to hate you to become stronger than you. Un. And he obviously doesn't hate you."

"Wait, so you think that getting them together will help Sasuke get stronger, just like Itachi wants?" Sasori asked skeptically. "Never mind, you are just stupid."

"Haven't you ever heard of the power of love? Un!" cried the Iwanin. "Argh! Danna frustrates me so much! Un!"

Itachi didn't feel at all well; Sasori and Deidara were having a lovers' tiff, he hadn't eaten in at least eighteen hours, and he had a splitting headache from the combination. What was worse, he was embarrassed by all the attention his feelings were getting. Itachi had always imagined that his "odd obsession" (his favorite alliterative title for his love of Sasuke) would attract attention, and none of it positive.

"Stupid brat."

"I hate you!"

"Do you think I care...?"

Deidara, unable to think of any witty comebacks and emotionally stressed, made some pathetic half whimper, half angry yelp before storming off to his room. Itachi wished that he would realize there was no escape from Sasori there; as partners, they shared the room. Sooner or later, another fight would erupt. Just the thought that it might occur made Itachi's headache worse.

And just like that, Itachi fainted. The remaining Akatsuki's eyes watched his descent to the ground.

"I-itcahi-san!" Kisame cried in surprise.

Sasori looked sullenly at his fallen form for a moment before calling to Deidara, "Look what you did, brat!" Another anguished, enraged cry sounded in the halls. Kisame questioned the importance of this outburst in Itachi's predicament.

"Ano, Sasori-san," Kisame began. "What just happened...?"

Using his acute knowledge of the human body, concluded that Itachi had fainted from hunger. He, of course, was right about that, as Deidara would be happy to hear.

"As soon as he regains consciousness, we should get some food in him," Sasori said. "Either that, or you could let me make a puppet out of him. That would be fun... A puppet capable of Mangekyou Sharingan? Amazing... I would drain him of bodily fluids---"

"Sasori-san!" Kisame interrupted, shocked. "Are you serious!"

"If the leader agrees," he answered after a moment.

"Sasori-san!"

"You're a lunatic, Sasori," Itachi murmured, barely conscious. "I'm never turning my back to you..."

"Itachi-san!" Kisame helped him sit up.

"I guess we're feeding him. I so wanted a new puppet," Sasori said, clearly disappointed. He suddenly perked up, struck by an idea. "Can I make Sasuke-kun into a puppet?"

"You are not---"

Suddenly, there was a feral shriek in the halls. "DANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Deidara, his Akatsuki robes gathered up in his hands, was running as fast as he possibly could down the long hall towards the group once again. He was panting and excited; Itachi's feeling of doom returned.

"I had a brilliant idea! Un!" he exclaimed between gasps for breath. His one visible eye narrowed. "I got an idea from this talk about puppets."

"You are not," Itachi repeated.

"Just let me explain, danna!" Deidara pleaded. "A puppeteer can attach chakra strings to a living thing without making them into a puppet!"

"Be quiet, brat!" Sasori snapped. "Give away my secrets and I'll make you into a puppet!"

"I'm talking to Itachi no danna. Un," the Iwanin said icily. "So Itachi no danna can copy all of Sasori no danna's kugutsu tricks with his Sharingan and---"

"No," Itachi repeated firmly, fingers massaging his temples. "That would be immoral."

"It would be rape, you stupid brat!" Sasori hissed.

"It was just a theory," Deidara said with a defensive shrug. "Besides, you're the one who--!" He pursed his lips, coming to the realization that Sasori wouldn't listen to him.

"Can we please concentrate on the most important thing right now?" Kisame pleaded. "Itachi-sa----"

"I know!" Deidara exclaimed. "Let's consult the book!"

"NO," Itachi insisted weakly. "Give it back."

When I look back at everything that I just wrote, Itachi penned, munching happily on a cute koala snack, I realize that I've just made a huge ass out of myself. But I digress, He took a slow, deliberate bite from the koala's half-eaten body. If you read this, my dear brother, stay away from Akatsuki.

Itachi couldn't let this part of his infant novel be read by Deidara or any other Akatsuki member; he might be thrown out.

I know that you are not a homicidal maniac, he continued. And every member of this organization (myself included) suffers from some kind of mental derision. We have Zetsu, who has a two people in one body and eats human flesh. There's Kisame, the shark-man. He enjoys shaving off peoples' skin. It's ironic that, as I recall all the times he has done so, I'm eating. I should feel sick, and that's how I know there's something wrong in my brain.

Akasuna no Sasori is one of the particularly insane ones, he wrote, shoving a whole handful of koala snacks in his mouth. He makes puppets out of people... who still happen to be alive. Just today he professed how wonderful it would be to have a puppet capable of using jutsu like the Sharingan. Stay away from him; he's crazy.

There's Deidara the artist, the annoying, the juvenile. He's crazy, too. He makes interesting sculptures, mostly of birds, and then blows them up in people's faces. There are four more of us, but I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Being especially crazy, they might try to come see you. Shut the door and hide, should that happen.

Remember, I'm trying to protect you. A typical brother's love.

"Or perhaps not so typical," he mused. He wouldn't write that down in his book so bluntly; he doubted that his editor would buy it, or that, once published, his precious little brother would read the book and think, 'Oh, Nii-san! Come and take me away!'

"Will my dream of a happy ending remain unfulfilled?" he asked the last koala snack in the box. As the snack had no answer (for koala snacks do not talk), Itachi ate it.

END

Kugutsu means "puppet."

Akasuna no Sasori literally means "Sasori of the Red Sand."

...does this imply SasoDei? oO Let me know if that's okay with you. (Wouldn't want to chase off my audience...) I should probably add it to the summary if it gets any further...

R&R, because I know you love it!