"A Thrill I Never Knew"
Pairing: Remus Lupin / Sirius Black
Rating: "M", for language and descriptive slash.
DISCLAIMER: This story is fictional – that's F-I-C-T-I-O-N. It never happened, and is not real. It is the product of my own imagination. It contains descriptions of male slash (that's male/male homosexual relations). If you do not like this type of content, or if you find homosexuality or its practice offensive, please click the "Back" button or close your Internet browser NOW, and do not read any further. All characters and copyrights are owned by J.K Rowling and Warner Brothers™ (AOL Time Warner), but this story is owned by me and is all my own work.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Lyrics taken from ""The Last Man In My Life" from the stage musical, "Song and Dance", as performed by Liz Robertson. Music written by Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, lyrics written by Don Black. Produced by The Really Useful Co. Ltd. © 2002 JAY Productions, Ltd. For the purposes of this story, the nouns "Lady" and "Woman" in the first stanza have been changed to the masculine declension. Lyrics used here (and changed) without permission.
DEDICATION: To Paul, who is so busy caring for other people that he won't stop to think about his own needs. Here's hoping that he'll take some time off and find himself a man. Honestly, that guy needs to get laid, big time!
All my life I have been treated like an animal. When I got into Hogwarts, when I first made friends five years ago, I started to feel as if people were treating me like a person. But it wasn't until last night, when Sirius Black kissed me, that I felt, truly felt, like a gentleman.
I'm a gentleman when you kiss me.
But now we have been separated! For three quarters of a bloody hour, forty-fucking-five minutes of Hell, I have to sit through Professor Vector's inane ramblings on about numbers in Arithmancy, while my gorgeous chunk of loveliness is wasting away without me, suffering through his Muggle Studies class! It's not fair! It's just not bloody fair. I want him here, and I want him here now!
I'm a child when you are leaving.
Oh, well. At least I can just sit here and think about him for the next forty four minutes and thirty six seconds… Anyway, back to last night. Ah! Sirius and I… that is to say, me and Sirius… we… Oh, fuck it! Let's just say that things didn't end with that kiss. As sometimes happens, we got a little carried away, and one thing led to another, and…
I'm a man every time our bodies meet,
Complete.
Now I'm not that naïve, although I'm sure a lot of people round here will probably be convinced otherwise; of course I had heard about sex – and how two men have sex – before. Even had a good idea as to how it worked, as well. I just thought that it was a natural progression in a relationship. I had no idea, though, that it would… progress… so quickly! And I also had no idea of how much emotion that the act itself would symbolize. What it would mean…
Long lost feelings stir inside me.
…and just how much fun it could be! I don't think that I'm ever going to survive this bloody lesson! Why the Hell did I choose fucking Arithmancy? Muggle Studies would have been much more beneficial to my future career path. For one thing, I could be molesting Sirius under the desk this instant! Well, only forty minutes to go until I can grab him now. And we can always make up for it tonight!
Used to think nights were for sleeping!
All of my life I have had to get used to feeling rejected, because… well, let's just say because I have some serious lycanthropic issues, okay? I never felt truly wanted. Of course, since I started to make friends I developed a sense of belonging, but when he kissed me, and touched me, stroked me… made love to me…
Being wanted is a thrill I never knew,
'Till you.
Last night I was, in a manner of speaking, no longer the alpha male. And I won't be ashamed to admit that the thought of it both excited me beyond belief, yet scared me bloody shitless at the same time. Yet now that I have finally done it… You know that feeling you get when you finally conquer a fear or do something you have been dreading? Almost like the fear of the unknown? Well, afterwards, when the old adrenaline is pumping and you're on that massive high from it all, you just want to do it again. A lot! Just the feel of Sirius, inside me, thrusting… Ooh, Merlin! I'm getting all hot and bothered again just thinking about it! Still, only thirty-two minutes and seventeen seconds to go until I can see him again…
Now I'm alive, inside I'm glowing!
I'm how I want to be.
Only my Sirius knows that I am… that I like men. That's another secret I have been hiding. I hate secrets – they're such a weight on your shoulders. It's such a relief that at least somebody else knows. And the great thing about being in the company of someone who knows your secret is that you don't have to act around them. You don't have to suppress certain… urges around them.
Loving you, I can be me;
Just me.
And although we've been friends for the last five years, it seems that everything we do together is new. Even if it's just sitting down and eating breakfast, something we have done countless times in the past, it is as if we are still doing it for the first time.
It's the first time when you touch me.
Last night, it was pouring down. I mean, the rain was torrential. I used to hate the rain, really loathe it. Because it was when the rain was striking against my window-pane that I used to feel at my lowest… my most lonely, I suppose I must have associated the emotions with the weather. But now, I don't have to worry about the rain getting me down, because I know that it can't make me feel lonely any more. Because I have Sirius, and that means that I'll never be lonely ever again.
Now I long for rainy mornings!
And now that we are finally together, I have found the solution to my dreams. I have someone to love. I have found the man of my dreams; smart, sexy and fun to be around. He knows everything about me, from my monthly afflictions to my favourite colour – it's yellow, by the way – and we've been friends for years. It all seems so perfect, but the reality is that it is even better than that. For in Sirius, I have finally found the Holy Grail; I have at last got the closeness with another person that I have craved for so long.
In each other, we find all we're looking for –
And more!
For so long I have dreamed for, longed for someone to love. For that one special man who would take my innocence, my boyhood, and make me a man…
Found a rainbow I was after.
and yet I wanted even more. I wanted a man to call my very own; who would always be there for me and treat me as if he wanted me, really wanted me. For keeps. And now I know that it will be Sirius who I grow old and grey with.
No more dreams with one face missing.
But I know that, whatever happens, Sirius and I will always be together.
I am certain
You're the last man in my life.
Because at sixteen, it's always true love. Isn't it?