11. Wishes.
T: Home stretch…is all I will say! Not mine, wish it was! Warnings the same and this chapter is again all Tenshi, aren't I nice?
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He returns from the vending machine to find Subaru still asleep, and burying his disappointment beneath a smile he continues with his tale,
"I did not understand my response to you, Subaru-kun and I was flustered enough to accept your invitation for tea even though I was late already to meet Chihiro.
"She was used to my poor memory by then and so she simply brushed it off as my being forgetful.
"It felt odd being with her now that I had a notion of what true love could be and I became so guilty at the thought of leading her on that I distanced myself a little from her.
"Something that hurt her more in the end and yet…
"I am bound to you, Subaru-kun, as you are bound to me." AS he says these words two bright inverse pentagrams flair on the backs of Subaru's hands and he smiles a little.
"Those ties are enough for us to feel a little drawn to one another and yet I think…I know…that it is for my own sake that I love you, Subaru-kun, rather than the sake of the man that I was.
So, if you ask it of me, I shall let you go…shall allow you to steal away the memories I have of that life or even allow you to take my memories of you.
I will even willingly give you my life, because I love you and because I meant what I said on the Rainbow Bridge."
"In which life time?"
It is a little unexpected and yet he does not flinch, but waits patiently for Subaru to open his eyes.
"When did you stir?"
"I felt the waking of the magic of the sakura upon my hands and as I knew such a thing to be impossible I pulled myself from sleep to see what had truly been the source of that magic."
"It came truly from those marks, Subaru-kun, for though I am no longer Sakurazukamori…no longer even Onmyouji…I am still, in essence, Seishiro and those marks responded to that fact."
Subaru seems little convinced by this supposition and after a moment of silence he enquires,
"In which life did you mean the words that you spoke upon the Rainbow Bridge, Seishiro-san?"
"I wish that you would stop using that name for me, Subaru-kun, for though I was Seishiro for a long time to you I am Tenshi now…
To answer the question, though, the words that I spoke in that place were true in both my lifetimes."
"Then why did you not tell me sooner…why did you not concede to losing The Bet?"
"I do not know if I could give you an answer that would satisfy, Subaru-kun, for when I think of that life all my emotions and the reasoning for my actions are muted things."
"I do not care for a detailed explanation; I wish only to have an end to the matter at last."
"At the time of The Bet's conclusion I can recall being amused by your complete naivety and I recall also a want to see what you would so now that you knew the truth.
I believe that I would have killed you had Hokuto-chan not given her life for you and upped the stakes a little.
"Now I could not kill you in the traditional manner, nor did I have a want to simply destroy you in a simple manner such as with a knife…
I think, also, that I had a want to see how you would treat me now…to what lengths you would go to avenge your sister.
Also, I believe that I had begun to care, just a little, for you and thus had no want to destroy you.
From time to time I would wonder what you were doing and if you had, in fact, awoken from inside yourself.
Once I even indulged that curiosity, seeking out your marks and learning that you were performing still your job…that you had grown stronger rather than weaker as I had believed.
It was only when I saw you again at the Nago Sun Plaza that I had a thought that perhaps I cared for you, just a little.
I believe that it was when you lost your eye on Sunshine 60 that I knew the truth of my emotion…that I knew that I had, little by little, fallen in love with you."
"If that is true then why did you act on Hokuto-chan's Jitsu?"
"Though the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth had told me that your wish was not what I believed, I could not trust those words.
"What else could you wish of me other than my death and vengeance for your sister's murder?"
"So much more than you had believed…" He remarks, the words bitter.
"I want to understand this time, Subaru-kun…I want…"
"It does not matter what you want." The older man remarks, a power in his voice which could only be the ice cold impassiveness of the sakura.
"You said yourself that you are not Seishiro-san, Tenshi, thus you should worry only of Tenshi's concerns."
"But you are my concern, Subaru-kun, for I love you…"
"You need not again repeat that foolishness." Subaru remarks as he turns away from him, his body moving in a stiff hesitancy that speaks of his having a bruised spine rather than the broken one upon which he had been admitted.
"Would you have me lie, Subaru-kun?"
"No… I would rather that we had never fallen into one another's company again.
"I would rather that I had been left with nothing but my right eye with which to recall you."
"What shall you do now that is not the case? Now that I am here again at your side?"
"I should kill you…indeed that had been my intent on the Rainbow Bridge and yet you may yet prove useful in my current task…"
"Then you would have me as a pawn?"
"You sound hurt, Tenshi-kun and yet I can not understand why. You understand better than anyone else the nature of what I am."
"I understand very little, Subaru-kun…I have told you already that my recollection of that time is flimsy at best and of the nature of the Sakurazukamori I comprehend nothing.
"Thus I have a right to be hurt by your dismissal of our friendship."
"There was no friendship…everything you have learned of me in these past few days has been an illusion, Tenshi."
"Why? Why pretend to be my friend? Why welcome me into your home when it was as risking the exposure of your secret?"
There is a long silence and Tenshi believes that he has pushed too far, that he shall never now learn all that he wishes to of the true face of Sakurazukamori Subaru.
Then the older man turns to face him, an oddly melancholic look in his face.
"Because for a while I forgot myself and I had a want to believe that you were Seishiro-san…a want to forget that the incident on The Rainbow Bridge ever occurred…
"It was silly, I knew that and yet as with the discarding of my memories of Hokuto-chan, I found that I could not let it go…that even when I knew that you may prove a worthwhile pawn, I could not separate you…
"Could not see beyond your similarity to the man that I had loved until the moment that my heart was torn from me.
"Even now…" He raises a hand to tangle amid Tenshi's hair and he smiles just a little.
"Even now, I can not divide you in my mind and the confusion is tearing at me.
"Onitsuka Tenshi is simply a boy and though he is intoxicating and brings me contentment I could not claim myself in love with him.
"Sakurazuka Seishiro was the very definition of my life and I loved him with my every breath.
"Tenshi is a useful pawn and can be discarded once that use has passed…Seishiro can not die…not again…I would gladly give my life to stop such an occurrence."
He reaches to touch the older man's face and he leans in to steal a kiss before he remarks,
"There is not enough of Seishrio left within me that I am worthy of such salvation, Subaru-kun."
"Yet there is enough that you can not die, Tenshi-kun…just as, once, this eye was enough to keep me alive." He remarks as he leases his hold on the boy and touches his one brown eye.
"Subaru-kun, are you implying that you wish now to die?"
"I have never stopped wishing for such a thing, it is more that now I can die."
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T: Two more chapters to go! Umm a little niggle here, I'm not sure as to whether our two lovelies do meet again at Nago Sun, was simply the first name that came to my head and as I am still without X (SOB) I've made a leap of faith! R+R to let me know if I'm wrong, every criticism is an improvement waiting to happen!