Here we are at chapter three! Yay! It started as a one-shot, I really did mean for it to be a one-shot but now…the end is not in sight. Hope you're all ready because this story has a quite a bit more pull to it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. I cry into my pillow about it every night.

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Sides of Ourselves

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Taste of Denial

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Under normal circumstances it would never have been allowed. It went against nearly all protocols and broke the fragile illusion of utter control that had been carefully built around the trainees and SeeDs from the moment their training had begun. It was unseemly for one of their own to leave the Garden, however temporarily, for purely personal reasons and of their own motivation.

But the situation was far from ordinary, as was the particular occupant who was heading out for reasons of his own and whose motives were known only to him, though they were speculated on by many. He didn't bother to reveal why he was going, he didn't think they'd be able to understand something that he himself could not fully comprehend.

He'd even played a bit underhandedly to get this leave. He'd pulled a few strings and used his connections. It really does speed up the process if your father is Laguna Loire.

Everyone was positively heartbroken, naturally, that Squall was going away. Rinoa had cried, Zell had had a few choice words for him, and Irvine had given him a melodramatic overreaction. Selphie had said something, but she said it so fast that the grey-eyed brunette had been unsure whether she was telling him to take care or if she was outraged that he'd dare do such a thing. Quistis took it stoically, eyeing him critically over her glasses. She may have been the only one who had the merest inkling as to why Squall was taking this sudden trip. She was eerily perceptive sometimes.

Leave-taking was never an enjoyable experience, and with Squall it was particularly awkward. No one, save Rinoa, who nearly tackled him with an enthusiastic hug, got anything more than a handshake from the silent commander.

He had decided to go on foot. That was how Seifer had decided to make the trek, and he didn't want to stand any chance of passing him up. Luckily he had a pretty sure idea of where his rival had headed.

There were mountains on the horizon, and to the blond's sense of adventure, they must have presented an undeniable challenge, beckoning brave souls over. From the tone of his letter, it sounded as though Seifer thought he had something to prove. What better place than those dangerously beautiful peaks?

The sentries had indicated that the former Sorceresses' Knight had indeed headed that way. Therefore, Squall had his destination. If only finding Seifer could be as simple.

And this was considering that the blond didn't mind being found. As Squall recalled, his rival could make himself damnably scarce when he wanted to. But if anyone stood a fighting chance against finding the illusive ex-SeeD, it was his rival.

But before he'd even gone a mile, a small obstacle, actually, two of them, interrupted him. They seemed to almost materialize in front of him, causing him to tighten his grip on Lionheart, but the gunblade was unnecessary.

Arms crossed over their chests and a hard look in their eyes, Irvine and Zell obviously had things to say to their friend. Squall had given his comrades no reason for his departure, putting forth his usually stony façade in order to keep his motives hidden from them, a closely guarded secret that confused even its bearer.

Squall wondered if he were even capable of loving someone. He could vaguely remember, as a child, being terrified of being alone. So, he had introverted, pushing anyone away whom he had been afraid to lose, till he was left with the only person he felt he could trust. Himself. Which meant, if he was honest with himself, left him completely and utterly alone.

Unless he counted his Guardian Force. But Shiva was no replacement for human companionship, that was sure. So why did all these people still refer to the ever anti-social Leonhart as their friend? It was truly mystifying to him as to why anyone would bother, and even more puzzling as to why they would come after him. It couldn't be that they were concerned for his safety. Sanity, maybe, safety no.

At least he hoped not, because he liked to think himself self-reliant and like it or not it would be a huge slight to him if that was why they had followed him out here.

He didn't say anything to them, but his eyes were full of enough ire to let them know he was irritated by their sudden intrusion. Though something inside him whispered that he was glad they were here, he was not going to give them the satisfaction of learning that.

"Hey Squall." Irvine said softly, breaking the ice that had seemed to solidify the air around them by the power of the commander's gaze alone. "So tell me, why are you leaving?" his sky-blue eyes were earnest.

"yeah." Zell apparently couldn't resist chiming in, "And more importantly, when are you coming back?" They then just looked at him, expecting an answer from him without further pressing.

Well, maybe he owed them something for their trouble. He ran a hand through his hair, unsure how to voice what he wanted to say without sounding utterly ridiculous or spilling his guts to them.

"Depends."

Irvine pursed his lips in a flash of annoyance, "Depends on what?"

"Seifer." Squall sighed, there, it was out. But that was all they were going to get.

He watched as the two absorbed this information, Zell blinking like mad and Irvine staring at him like he'd grown another leg.

"Um, Squall, man," Zell stumbled for a moment while the auburn-haired cowboy seemed dazed, "I-I may be getting loopy, but I could have sworn you just told us that the reason you wormed your way into getting leave was…Seifer."

Squall shrugged, "I did, so?"

Irvine was snapped from la-la land, "And why? Can't you just let him go? What do you want from him? The poor guy probably needs some peace!"

The brunette unconsciously hefted Lionheart up to rest on his shoulder, "That's my business."

"Dammit, Squall!" Zell moved forward quickly, so close that he was nearly in the other teen's face, "Why the hell can't you talk to us about this? We're your friends, Squall! And you just walk out set for Hyne knows where with hardly a word of explanation? Well, man, we're worried about you! Why do you have to be like this every single stinking time! I know it makes sense behind that scowl of yours, but you're leaving us in the dark!"

Irvine unconsciously reached out and brushed his fingertips across Zell's wrist in a calming gesture. He moved to stand slightly in front of the blond, gazing at Squall calmly. "We're just worried, don't we have that right?"

Squall sighed, his fingers combing through his chocolate locks again in a weary motion, "I'm not on some crusade for revenge." He assured, "Seifer just has some misconceptions about some things that I'd like to clear up." He made a little sound of bitter amusement, "Hell, I've got a few things I'd like to get straight. I just want to talk to him. Whether he comes back to the Garden or not is his choice."

Irvine's eyes bored into his own, both ignoring Zell's indignant protests in the background. The auburn-haired sharpshooter nodded slowly, and Squall suddenly received the uncomfortable feeling that the cowboy knew more than what the commander had confessed, an insight of sorts.

He gave a curt nod in return, signifying that he understood, and that was that.

Irvine looped an arm casually about Zell's shoulders, "C'mon, blondie, commander's got a job to do."

"But….what? I-" Zell was hopelessly confused.

His friend smiled indulgently, "I'll explain it to ya later." Giving a jaunty wave over his shoulder and calling, "See ya, Squall." The sharpshooter headed back toward the Garden with Zell in tow, leaving Squall alone again.

Adjusting Lionheart to a more comfortable position on his shoulder, Squall resumed his search for Seifer…and for answers.

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Said blond was on his third day of travel when he first realized he was being followed.

It was a slip on the part of one of his shadowers. He knew who they were, and he felt a small tingle of warmth at their loyalty. At least someone thought he was worth trailing, at best.

And Raijin's skills really had never included stalking.

Hearing a rustle of fauna and a twig break for the umpteenth time that day, Seifer finally reached his limit. Sitting down on a convenient rock, he allowed a moment to let the forest quiet around him.

A twig snapped.

"You two can come out you know." He remarked to the surrounding trees conversationally.

"SEIFER!" Fuujin's greeting sounded halfway between a scolding and an exultation…and a touch annoyed as well. They came loping forward from their "hiding places" to come up besides him, Raijin plopping himself down on the ground next to his rock.

"Why are you two following me?" He snapped, glowering at the pair as if they would disappear should he stare long enough.

Raijin looked like a big lost puppy, "We just thought you might need us, Seifer."

"Worried." Fuujin added, nodding her head in agreement.

He smiled then, just a little bit, he couldn't help himself. They were the only friends he had after all, they'd just proved that. "Well you should have come up and said so, you idiots!" He reprimanded, all business again, "With the way you were tailing me I might have did you in with Hyperion or something." He snorted, "Morons."

Fuujin raised a silver eyebrow elegantly, the only sign that she was amused and did not take what he had just said at all seriously.

Raijin pouted a little, "But if we'd tried to come along you'd have sent us back!" he complained.

"Would." The woman agreed.

"Hmph." Seifer scowled at them, "And how come you two know everything all of a sudden."

He knew though, that they were probably right. Not only because he was Seifer, strong, confident, swaggering gunblade-wielder, no, not just because of that, but because he had no intention of ever going back, and he didn't want to drag anyone down with him.

Then again, they could always leave if they wished. The solitude of the mountains he longed to reach might be too much for them in the end.

Then it would be just Seifer Almasy and his thoughts, all of them condemning, lonely memories. The sweet ones being locked away just out of his reach.

The price one pays for power. Guardian Forces.

At the beginning it had been thrilling, powerful. Now he had to wonder again if it was all worth it. What had not been taken away his own bitterness threatened to consume. His emotions felt like they were on self-destruct, and he'd never felt so worthless. Uneeded, unwanted, and his only friends were a curt woman with an eyepatch and a none to bright henchman. They probably followed him out of blind loyalty, for who would want to follow Seifer Almasy for his personality?

But, better them than no company at all, he decided darkly, served him right.

Eventually, they, like the rest of the world…like Squall, would see him as a monster, the monster he perceived himself to be, and they could go out and live their own lives, shunning him in the process.

And at the last, he would live and die alone.

The end to everyone's troubles.

But until then…

He stood, briefly stretching before striding towards the beckoning peaks. "Come. It you're so bent on coming then don't stand there all day! Move it!" He tried to bark at them like usual, like he had in the past, and apparently it was enough for them. They jogged beside him amiably.

But there had been something in the way Fuujin looked at him…

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Thanks for the lovely reviews I've received for this story already, they brighten my day, they really do.