The War of the Cliques
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A small brown bird cheerfully hopped from one branch of its chosen tree to another, pecking at the tiny insects that could be seen crawling from twig to twig. Happily munching its breakfast, it chirped and twittered, letting its uplifting song drift out brightly over the meadow at the edge of the forest.
Its song was cut short and the sprightly creature disappeared in a sudden explosion of feathers and one last, lingering squawk.
"Oh no! I think I killed a bird!" A loud, high pitched squeal echoed from below, followed by a series of annoying whines.
"Waaaaaa…poor little bird. I can't believe I killed a bird!"
"Well if you had better aim, maybe you wouldn't have, stupid wench!" The girl turned around suddenly, her skirt, (which was entirely too short to be appropriate, no matter what country you live in), flaring with her movement so that you could see even more of her long, shapely legs. She glared at the boy who had stalked up behind her.
"Stop calling me that! I'm not stupid! And I'm not a wench! I have a name you know."
The boy shook his long silver hair and scoffed, "Of course I know. The whole damn world knows because your annoying voice keeps yelling it at everyone." He pitched his voice up a few octaves and squealed in imitation, "I'm Kagome, Ka-go-me…la dee da, I fell down a well, and I'm a weak little human girl who can't do anything on my own, and I whine a lot…"
"Osuwari!"
Wham
The hanyou before her bit the dust on command, his cursed necklace getting the better of him once again.
The girl Kagome began to sob loudly, and with an unnecessary amount of tears. "Inuyasha, you're so mean to me! I can't take it anymore! I'm…I'm running away…to be with your brother! He's much hotter than you, and has a sexier voice than you, and…and his hair is much prettier than yours!"
And with that final sob, she flounced toward a tall, stoic demon who mysteriously appeared at the edge of the clearing and flung herself into his arms.
"Woah! Woah, woah woah! What the hell? What is this trash? Who is writing this? Come out…now. You've got to be kidding…" A slim teenage girl in jeans and a blue t-shirt strode quickly out into the clearing, looking around. She looked to be roughly 18 or 19, and sported a long brown ponytail that swung out behind her as she yelled into the clearing. "Oi! Writer, narrator, whoever you are, get out here…right now! I wanna talk to you!"
A much younger teenager made her way out from the trees, scowling. "Just what do you think you're doing in my story?" Her pale freckled cheeks glowed in anger, and her blonde curls bounced as she made her way toward the newcomer.
"So it's you! You're the one responsible for this mess!"
"Mess? This is a perfectly good fanfiction, and you're ruining it!" She pouted childishly and crossed her arms over her pink, glittery Hello Kitty shirt.
The older girl looked at her. "Good god, what are you…12?"
"Thirteen!"
"Ugh. You call this a perfectly good fanfiction? I mean…come on! Geeze, if you're going to insist on a Sess/Kagome fic, you could at least come up with a better way to pair them together than that."
"But…I didn't use the 'Kagome sees Inuyasha with Kikyo and runs away with his brother' scenario!" She protested indignantly.
"Doesn't matter! This is just as bad!" She shook her head and rolled her brown eyes heavenward. "Besides, everyone knows that Kagome and Inuyasha belong together. Sesshoumaru would just hack her into little bits!"
"Would not!" The younger girl turned quickly and shot a glare at Sesshoumaru, who lowered his poisonous claws from Kagome's neck.
"Damn," he muttered.
"See? See? Kagome and Inuyasha all the way! It's canon!"
By this time Inuyasha had made it out of his hole in the ground, and was standing next to Kagome and Sesshoumaru, looking on in confusion when a young woman in her early twenties stepped out into the clearing saying, "You're both wrong."
She stopped before the other two girls and blew her auburn bangs upward in frustration. "Miroku and Kagome obviously make the cutest couple."
Miroku appeared suddenly on the scene, swept quickly over and knelt before Kagome. "Kagome, I'm desperately in love with you! Please run away with me, Inuyasha doesn't deserve you. Only I can understand you and care for you in the way that you desire!"
As soon as the sentence left his tongue he grimaced slightly. "Did that just come from my mouth?" He turned and yelled at the girls over his shoulder. "Oi! Better dialogue next time! I would never say something that lame!"
The girls, however, were still arguing.
"You can't do that! Miroku obviously goes with Sango! It's canon!" Sango appeared suddenly next to Miroku, glanced at him in bewilderment, and stepped away quickly, bumping into Sesshoumaru.
"No, no, see? She wants to be with Sesshoumaru, can't you see it? How romantic…the demon, and the demon slayer." The blonde girl sighed dramatically, and Sango and the demon lord stepped swiftly away from each other, wide-eyed in alarm.
Sango looked to the others. "What is going on here?"
Sesshoumaru simply stared forward in cold boredom, and the others shook their heads in helplessness, in awe of the situation unfolding before them.
"You just want to see any pairing done with Sesshoumaru. Will you give it a rest? He's probably gay anyway." That got the demon lord's attention, and he looked alarmingly from the girls before him, to the group beside him, who was staring back at him with a mixture of alarm, amusement, and disgust. "She's lying! I'm not!" He narrowed his eyes at their disbelieving expressions. "This Sesshoumaru is not gay!"
Yet another girl spoke up, "Of course he's not gay! He's in love with Kagura. It's obvious."
Kagura appeared magically next to the group, and looked around in confusion.
"What the hell?"
Sango shook her head. "Don't ask."
They all looked over as at least five more girls appeared in the clearing before them, and random shouts broke forth among them.
"Kouga and Kagome. They belong together! At least he treats her better than Inuyasha does!"
"No, no! Rin and Sesshoumaru!"
A newly appearing Rin looked up at her caregiver in question. He simply shook his head no and looked back on the scene before him, while Kouga, Sango, Miroku, Kagome, Inuyasha and Kagura sat on the grass in a resigned fashion.
A male in the ever-growing throng of people spoke up loudly over the arguing. "What about Jakotsu and Inuyasha?"
But he was quieted quickly as a cluster of Inuyasha loving fangirls trampled him beneath their feet yelling, "Nooo!11! we luf Inuyasha! he caint be gaaayy! Hes teh hawtness adn so smexayy!11!1! SqueeEEeee!111!11!"
Inuyasha looked up from his card game with the others in horrified fascination at the rabid group of fangirls.
"Inuyasha, it's your turn." Kagome elbowed him in the side.
"Oh, right. Umm…Kagura, got any two's?"
"Ha. Go fish."
"Aw, shit."
The mob of girls, rabid fangirls (they deserve a category all of their own), a small spattering of males, and a few older women was steadily growing in size, and volume.
"No, no! You guys are doing this all wrong! You should make it AU! Everyone knows that AU is the best!"
"Hello, aren't you all forgetting about Kikyo? It should be a Kikyo and Inuyasha fic! She found him first! She deserves him!"
"She's dead, you twit! If anything, you're all forgetting about Shippou. He needs a part in the fic! You can't leave out the cutest character!"
"Kaede! She needs some old-lady lovin'! Hook up Kaede and TouTousai! She has rights! Wrinkly old-lady rights! And everyone knows that an eyepatch is sexy."
Inuyasha covered his mouth and ran for the bushes with a cry of, "Oh god, I think I'm gonna hurl."
"Oh, oh! A crossover! You should do a crossover!"
"Oh for goodness' sake, a crossover? How lame is that?"
One particularly obnoxious fangirl spoke up loudly above the rest of the crowd. "A self-insertion! Kagome and Inuyasha can pair up, and Sango and Miroku, and I can have Sesshoumaru…" She eyed him hungrily.
The startled demon sat down, and shuffled over to hide himself behind the circle of characters who were now amusing themselves with a rousing game of truth or dare.
"Dare."
"Ok, Kouga, I dare you to…" Kagome bit her lip in thought before lighting up with a sudden idea. "I dare you to streak naked through the rabid fangirl section of the mob.
He paled. "Are you crazy? I'll get eaten alive!"
The rabid fangirls looked over, salivating in hungry anticipation, and Kagome shuddered and withdrew her dare. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't do that to my worst enemy…forget it, just…kiss Miroku or something."
Miroku blanched visibly, and a few fans in the crowd perked up in sudden interest, with random murmurings of, "Oh, I never thought about a Miroku/Kouga fic," and, "That's a great idea! I mean…Kouga wears a skirt, and Miroku wears a whole lot of pretty purple…why didn't we see that coming?"
The crowd of Miroku rabid fangirls quieted this lot too, quickly tearing into them with squeals of, "Squeeaeaeeee…Miroku ish teh hawtest boi evaaa…yummi eerrings…mmm,..we wll baer yur chilllddreeenn!111!232!"
A sudden shrill, grating voice rang out from the very center of the growing crowd.
"Jaken and Kagome! Do a Jaken and Kagome fic!" The entire mob stopped and turned to stare down at the tiny green demon standing in the center of them all, holding his two-headed staff.
He shuffled nervously. "Um…"
And suddenly, he was air-born, drop-kicked angrily aside by the crowd, who immediately went back to arguing.
He landed in a smelly heap next to a startled Kagome, who shrieked in disgust and quickly shuffled over to take a safe refuge between Kouga and Inuyasha. They both glared at the small demon until he chuckled nervously and scurried to hide behind Lord Sesshoumaru.
Inuyasha shook his head and reached out slowly to remove the rectangular piece of wood from the tower before him, but toppled them suddenly when someone grabbed his ear.
"Woo! Jenga!" Kaede yelled.
"Oh, damn it all to hell!" Inuyasha looked up to see a drooling, rabid fangirl gnawing at his fluffy white triangular appendage. "Aaaahhh!" He shrieked loudly, swiping at the girl above him. "Ah, get her off me! Get her off me!"
Sango and Miroku started to pull her off, when another one appeared from behind, and began to claw at Miroku's robes. "Mmm…Miroku …i willl haff yur babys Miroku!111!1"
"Arrrghhh! Ah! Off, off! Get back!" He hit at her with his staff until Kagura and Kikyo came to his rescue.
Apparently realizing that the fangirls only went after the males of the party, the men all huddled together in fear at the edge of the clearing, backed up and cowering against the treeline.
Once freed of their fangirl attackers, Miroku and Inuyasha joined them, wiping drool off and peering worriedly at the random scratches and bite marks they had received.
Miroku looked over to Kagome, holding out his forearm. "Do you think I could get rabies from this?"
Another voice rang out from the bloody and frenzied mob before them. "I've got it! I've got the perfect fic!"
They all stopped and stared at the girl dressed in black, who had her hand raised in triumph. "A Naraku and Kagome fic!"
"Oh, shit, no they didn't." Inuyasha thrust himself to a standing position and shoved his way past a newly arrived and bewildered looking Naraku.
He stood yelling to the sky, "Oi! HEY! Someone with some sense, please end this already! I mean…What the hell? Haven't you tortured us enough?"
A loud crashing sound came through the forest and a large, smelly demon appeared in the clearing. He took one look at the crowd of screaming fanfic writers and swiftly moved toward them.
Squish.
Foot planted firmly over the entire group, the monster ground its heel into the dirt firmly, making sure that his target was, in fact, completely silenced. A rabid fangirl gave out a shrill squeal and he ground his foot harder. (Those fangirls don't die easily….)
The demon turned to the stunned onlookers, bowed slightly to their enthusiastic applause, and moved onward and out of sight, leaving behind a mess of fanfic writer jelly.
Kagome looked upward and raised her arms. "Thank goodness. At least one writer has some brains out there."
The remaining characters turned and looked at each other.
"So…what were we doing?" Naraku looked around at the group in question.
Kagura sighed. "The same thing we're always doing, so let's just get on with it."
With that, Kagura swept away on her enlarged feather, Sesshoumaru stalked off with Rin and Jaken in tow, Naraku disappeared into the darkness, Kikyo filtered back into the trees, Kaede toddled toward her village, and Kouga took off in a whirlwind of dust.
Kagome called after them all. "Don't forget! Next Tuesday at 8 is Scrabble night! I'll bring the snacks!"
She turned back to look at Inuyasha, Sango, Miroku, and Shippou. "So…who's up for Ramen?"
o0o
Alright, Disclaimer:
I mean NO offense to any writer. Don't be silly, I read all kinds of pairings, and we're out here to be creative and have fun with it. I just think it's hilarious that we have these cliques in fanfiction. It's hilarious, and I wanted to write about it. I love reading all sorts of pairings, and I mean no offense to anyone, ever. I swear. I love you all.
I just…wanted to be random, and …yeah. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ok, done now. Let me know how I can improve it. I'm not very talented with writing funny fanfics. I need the help of humor experts.