(Disclaimer: We, the Bad Things, are relieved to inform you that we do not own these stories. However, we are sad to say we don't own any of the other characters (Namely JK's) either. Life's a bitch, huh?)
"Ms. Granger?"Hermione started. "Yes, Professor?" she said, trying to be more alert by sitting up straight.
"Do you have the answer?" said Professor McGonagall, looking very you repeat the question?" Hermione said, her cheeks burning.
"Never mind," said McGonagall, directing her gaze at someone else. "Finnigan…"Tom: ... Looking Very You Repeat the Question?
Snape: Wow. Hermione can't answer the question...The world will end...
Neville: That didn't make sense...-scratches head-
Hermione drifted back to her daydream once more and toned out all other words from Professor McGonagall.
Neville: Hermione wouldn't daydream in class...
Snape: It's OOC, you idiot.
She knocked twice on the door. "It's me," she said huskily.
The door slowly opened and revealed a dark room filled with ubiquitous vanilla candles. A single rose lay on the oak table, shadowed by a tall figure who took her in his arms…
Tom: ... That better not be me.
Snape: You know you wish it was... .
Tom: I'm not a mudblood fancier. Unlike some Traitors I know...
Snape: Are you referring to me? -innocent-
Tom: Don't look like that. It's creepy.
Snape: Whatever do you mean? -more innocent-
Neville: -cowers in corner- It IS creepy!
Snape: -bats eyelashes-
She couldn't take it any longer. She had been having the same dream again and again, and, she decided, it was time to take action.
As soon as Transfiguration class was over, she rushed up to the Gryffindor girls dorm to change into something she had been saving for a while now. Actually, she had bought it on a dare during one of Lavender's Hogsmeade parties. It was a sleeveless black mini dress, with a deep V-neck and open cuts in various places, revealing some of her tanned skin. She quickly put this on, and, not being able to wait another second, raced off to Hagrid's hut.
Snape: I predict frightening things in the future...
Tom: Oh, Streetwalker dress.
Tom: Because everyone knows Hagrid is a pimp.
Neville: What's wrong with her seeing Hagrid?
Draco: -Shudders- In a Hooker dress?
Neville: -innocent-
Draco: -Smirks- You're about to be educated.
Hermione knocked twice on the large oak door, just like in her dream.
"Who is it," said a deep voice from inside.
"It's me, Hermione," she said as sexily as she could.
"Oh," There was a low creaking noise, and the door opened to reveal Hagrid. His beard was long and tangled, and Hermione longed to bury her face in it. He was sporting his usual tan long-sleeved shirt and dragon skin vest, with thick black trousers kept up with a thick sliver belt.
Snape: Tom? I'm afraid...
Tom: Me too, Snape... me too... .
Draco: Sliver?
Draco: A thick Sliver?
Tom: I think she meant Silver...
Draco: -Scoffs- Like he could afford a silver belt...
"Come on in, Hermione," said Hagrid, ushering her inside, curiously examining her outfit and feeling his pants shrink. Hermione hesitantly made her way inside and sat down on the large, soft bed.
"Hermione," said Hagrid, noting her nervousness. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
Hermione straightened her dress. "Well…yes, Hagrid. I…um…I – love you."
Hagrid could barely believe his ears. Was he dreaming?
Hermione was visibly sweating now. "Rubeus – did you hear me? – I said I love you."
Neville: Aw! Hagrid found love! -innocent-
Tom: She made his pant's shrink. Now he thinks he's getting an erection...
Draco: -as Hagrid- Oh... How much do I have to pay you?
Snape: -laughs-
Neville: Snape's scary when he laughs!
This seemed to be the encouragement that he needed, for he made a low growling noise in the back of his throat and pulled her to him, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. Hermione moaned and Hagrid slipped his huge tongue into her small mouth. This made Hermione curious to know the size of some other body parts.
Hagrid lifted her easily and placed her on the bed, breaking the kiss so he could slip her dress off. Hermione made sure that he was unclothed enough for her as well.
Tom: Just... no...
Snape: Am I allowed to look away or do I have to read the whole thing? oO
Neville: o.o
Draco: Wouldn't something that size, you know, be fatal?
Snape: You would think...
Tom: This is magic, Draco.
Tom: You can shove an elephant in there as long as you're magic.
Draco: -Looks green-
Snape: -suddenly realizes- Hey! That's MY Hermione that slut-whore author is using! Hermione would never be caught dead with that oaf on top of her! -fumes-
Tom: -Stares at Snape-
Tom: -Mutters: Traitor-
Snape: Did I say that aloud?
Soon enough, it was all over, and Hermione was sore all over, but feeling more – full than she had ever felt, for Hagrid had fallen asleep as soon as they had finished their frenzied activity, and he had forgotten to remove himself. Hermione could feel her own eyelids closing as well, and, before she fell asleep, she realized that they had forgotten to use a condom.
Tom: I foresee many a bad things...
Neville: There's no detail in that scene!
Snape: You freaking pervert!
Draco: And one of them is the Mudblood being split apart with the half breed's baby.
Snape: Exactly
"Where is he? Aren't the teachers supposed to teach us?"
"Where's Hermione?"
Voices drifted in from outside… waking Hermione up. Blinking open her heavy eyes, she realized the direness of the situation. She banged on Hagrid's skull, hoping he would wake up.
"Hermione? What in bloody hell are you doing?" He roared, rubbing his sore head.
"Your class is here! Slytherin Gryffindor Magical Creatures!" She quickly threw on her dress and the invisibility cloak she had used to sneak out the night before. "I've got to go!"
Tom: ... I have no comment for this...
Draco: I thought the cloak was Potters...
Snape: Someone bang me on the head… with something, preferably, hard. Maybe when I wake up it'll be over
Tom: That was his payment to her.
Neville: Harry lets Hermione borrow it. -Defensive-
Tom: And she stole it then.
Draco: She called it hers.
And with that, she left Hagrid still blinking stupidly, naked, on the bed with a class right outside his hut. God-bloody-damn it.
He rolled off bed and crawled into a large dress-like coat someone had gotten him as a Christmas present once. It wasn't great, but it would do, so he rose from the floor and walked regally out of the door.
"Good Mornin' Class!" He rumbled. Just then, he saw Hermione running from the Hogwarts down to his hut. Her frizzy hair was flying behind her, and her long, fit legs were running so fast he was worried that she wouldn't be able to stop.
Snape: Why doesn't he just put on clothes?
Draco: -As Author- As the Students were scarred for life as little Hagrid peeked out.
Neville: Was I in that class? I don't remember...
Snape: It's fiction, you idiot!
Tom: I just had a flashback...
Snape: Do tell.
Tom: I remember why I hate Quidditch...
Tom: And why Hagrid was banned from playing it...
Tom: Curse those interhouse locker rooms!
"Sorry I'm late, Hagrid." She looked up at him through long, black eyelashes and smiled. She looked so sexy that memories of last night ran through his thoughts. He heard Malfoy snort and looked over towards the Slytherin section. They were pointing… down there. Hagrid looked down, and realized he had a problem on his hands. His large hands. They went so perfectly with his very large feet, and, well, you know what they say.
Hastily, he covered his lower area up with his robes, but it was too late. By then, the entire class had seen it, and Hagrid didn't know what to do – but then –
Neville: That's just wrong...-twitch-
Draco: I WAS RIGHT!
Snape: Twenty points to Slytherin.
Tom: Oh Goodie! He'll be kicked out of Hogwarts again!
Snape: Then he'll stay away from my Hermione! -glares-
"Class," he boomed, and the giggling fell silent as many pairs of eyes stared at him. "We are doing things a little differently today. Professor Dumbledore couldn't find another teacher that was as well-suited as I was for the job, so he gave it to me. Today we will be doing Sex Ed – the muggle way."
Several sets of eyebrows shot up towards the heavens.
Neville: Oh no...
Draco: He's teaching 17 year olds sex ed?
Snape: -eye twitch-
Tom: How? Last night was the only time he ever got laid.
Snape: -laughs-
Neville: Don't laugh! It's freaky!
Draco: He's going to use you as an example too.
Neville: I hate you!
"Now this," he said, opening his coat wide so he was completely naked, "Is a penis. It impregnates a female during sex, in which the penis goes into a woman's vagina. Hermione," he said, waggling his fingers at her to come up to him. "You will help me demonstrate."
By now, the entire class was dumbstruck, and could only watch with gaping mouths as Hermione walked up to Hagrid and threw off her cloak, revealing a naked body.
Snape: Oh HELL no!
Draco: -Gags-
Tom: -Shudders- So… so fired...
Neville: I wanna go home...
Snape: He'll be dead before he can be fired!
Draco: He's still going to demonstrate Gay sex with you, Longbottom
Tom: Snape, your Traitor is showing.
Snape: No it isn't! I'm...I'm...I'm protecting a student! That's all!
"Now watch closely class," said Hagrid, pumping in and out of Hermione. "What I'm doing right now is called sex. The sperm from my penis goes into a woman's vagina and travels to her uterus, where it goes into an egg. It then, over a nine-month period, will turn into a baby." The entire time Hagrid was talking, Hermione was moaning deeply and throwing herself at Hagrid.
"Now, so you all get a good idea of sex," said Hagrid loudly, "I will assign you each a partner and you will perform this act of pleasure."
Soon, the air was thick with moaning and heat was emanating from all around Hagrid. "That was great, darling," whispered Hermione huskily while they made love again and again. "Thanks."
Snape: -groans and slumps back into his seat- Who seconds the motion to kill the author?
Neville: -flips through the pages- It's not over yet...
Tom: Points for the group orgy.
Draco: Like I would degrade myself.
Neville: You know you would.
Draco: Not in public.
Tom: To me, maybe.
"Awesome lesson, Hagrid," said many sweaty students passing by him as they left. "Thanks," said Hagrid, grinning. "I know I enjoyed it."
"Hey, Hagrid!" Harry and Ron were running over to them, both smiling like loons on loon tablets. "Thanks for the lesson, Hagrid," said Harry breathlessly. "I finally had Cho!"
"And Luna and I have decided to start a relationship," said Ron excitedly.
Snape: Loons on loon tablets?
Neville: Luna? She's mine! -looks around- Eh...-cough-
Draco: -Author- But Then The Ministry appeared and arrested Hagrid for being a Pedophile.
Tom: You go well together, Neville. Note Sarcasm.
Snape: Oh yay! Pedophiles are vile.
Snape: -secretly pets his picture of Hermione-
Tom: -Side stare-
Snape: What?
"Speaking of relationships," said Harry suggestively. "Are you guys in one?"
Hagrid looked at Hermione, but she placed her hand on his and stated "Yes," firmly.
Just then, Harry's watch emmited a loud beep. "Oi, better hurry Ron, we're going to be late for Potions!" And with that they ran off to the vast castle in the distance, hitching up their falling trousers.
"Don't you have to go as well, Hermione?" said Hagrid, looking at her.
"I've got more important things to do…" said Hermione, running a finger down his naked chest and grabbing his hand.
"Come on!"
Snape: They're not getting into my classroom after that!
Tom: -Gags-
Draco: She's a nympho...
Neville: You think?
Tom: No, she's a slut. With a slutty dress.
Snape: That dress is gone.
Tom: Was it a gift from you.
Tom: -Stares-
Snape: Shut up! -looks around anxiously-
"Ohhhh," Hermione moaned, running towards the toilets for the second time in that hour.
"Hermione, are you sure you're ok?" Hagrid called into the bathroom over the retching sounds.
"Just…a little virus…" she called back weakly before another wave of bile forced its way up her throat.
"That's it," said Hagrid, pulling on an overcoat. "I'm taking you to the hospital wing."
Neville: Hermione's pregnant...
Tom: Well, that was fast.
Draco: No, she's just vomiting up all the semen.
Tom: Lesson, never give Giants head.
Snape: -glares- I have no comments...
"No, really! I'm – " But she couldn't finish, so Hagrid took her in his arms and carried her over to the castle and into the hospital wing.
"Goodness, Hagrid!" exclaimed Madame Pomfrey. "What is the matter?"
"Hermione's sick," said Hagrid, laying her down gently on one of the beds.
Madame Pomfey made a tsking noise, but bent over Hermione to examine her.
"Well, I will do a few tests. Come back tomorrow – I will keep her overnight."
Hagrid sadly brushed a stray hair out of Hermione's face, but then he left, closing the door behind him.
Snape: Why must the author drag Poppy into this story as well?
Neville: Hermione's pregnant..
Tom: And they found that the Mudblood's stomach was stuffed full of Giant Sp..
Draco: Stop! I'll vomit.
Neville: -ignores him- Hermione's pregnant.
Neville: Hermione's pregnant.
Tom: Yes, and they'll make you godfather.
Snape: Don't rub it in! -kills him-
Early the next morning, Hagrid pulled a moleskin overcoat overtop of his boxers and rushed over to the hospital wing, desperate to see how Hermione was doing. To his great surprise, Hermione was propped up on pillows and was reading a book. Upon seeing him enter, she put the book down and smiled at him.
"How do you feel?" said Hagrid anxiously.
"Better than ever," said Hermione, giving him a hug.
"I guess you just had a stomach virus," said Hagrid, relieved.
Hermione fidgeted a bit in her bed. "Actually, Rubeus – about that – "
Madame Pomfrey came in and announced, "She's pregnant!"
Tom: Way to ruin the surprise.
Draco: She's going to huge...
Snape: She'll have an abortion! I'll see to it myself.
Neville: Wonder if the kid'll be hairy.
Draco: It'll be a furball.
Tom: Hagrid's hair and the mudblood's bushyness.
"Rubeus!" Hermione screamed, getting out of bed as Hagrid fell to the floor, shaking the walls with the impact of his body and the floor.
"He'll be ok," Madame Pomfrey assured her, pushing Hermione back into her bed. "He's just a little shocked, he'll get over it. Now do you know how far along you are?" she said, conjuring an enormous bed and levitating Hagrid onto it with great difficulty.
"Well, I've been living with Rubeus for a few months now. The first time was in September," she added, blushing.
Tom: -As Poppy- Pedophile! .o
Snape: Let ME make the call to the Ministry to get that oaf locked up!
Neville: -stares at Snape- You're awfully enthusiastic.
Draco: You'll be laughing evilly as you call though... They won't take it seriously...
Draco: I'll tell father he molested me in class.
Tom: Which he did in the whole orgy thing.
Draco: I can make myself cry on command.
Neville: -flips through story- OMG... O.O It gets worse...
"I see," said Madame Pomfrey. "Well the only problem will be getting to your lessons. Because you are pregnant with Hagrid's child, I imagine it will be rather large for it's size, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I will keep Hagrid overnight, just to rest him up, but I suppose you can sleep in the Gryffindor Common room for one night?"
"Yes, that will be fine," said Hermione, getting up and slipping on a pair of black sneakers and her robes. "I'll come back tomorrow."
And with one last glance at Hagrid, who was still out cold, she left the Hospital Wing and made her way to the Gryffindor Common room.
"Hermione!" Harry and Ron made their way over to her, looking very shocked. "I thought that you were staying with Hagrid!" said Ron, frowning slightly.
"Did you break up?"
Snape: I have nothing to say about this...
Tom: Don't they wear clothes anymore!
Draco: They were banned after the orgy.
Neville: It's a new fashion trend. Didn't you know?
Draco: Turns out Dumbles is a pervert.
Tom: I knew that...
Snape: We all knew that
Tom: Uncle Dumbles my ass... .o
"Of course we are," said Harry quickly. "We were just a bit shocked."
"But why are you here?" Ron persisted, still very confused.
"Well," said Hermione slowly, not sure how to break the news to them. "He…fainted."
"Why did he faint?" said Harry anxiously. "Is he sick?"
"No," Hermione was playing with the hem of her sleeve. "I told him some news – rather, Madame Pomfrey told him some news."
"What news?" they yelled, exasperated.
"I'm – I'm pregnant."
Tom: -Ron- Hermione! You bitch! -Sob-
Snape: Cry a river...
Tom: -Ron- I'm going to become a Death Eater now!
Draco: I'm not working with the Weasel...
Neville: You weren't on Voldemort's side to begin with! I know your secrets! -points-
Snape: -slaps the back of his head-
Tom: I beg to differ. -Knowing smirk-
Harry and Ron gaped at her with their mouths hanging wide open. Hermione watched a fly flutter into Ron's throat and die.
"Well, can I be godfather?" said Harry, suddenly looking very excited.
"Yeah, me too, me too!" Ron squealed, jumping up and down like it was Christmas morning.
"I – guess," said Hermione, looking a little taken aback at their sudden mood changes.
"Hermione!" Hermione looked up to see Ginny walking down the stairs to the girls dorm and smiled.
"Why are you here?" Ginny asked her curiously.
Hermione decided to cut to the chase. "I'm pregnant with Hagrid's child."
Snape: They're taking this rather well... o.O
Tom: They just had anther orgy.
Tom: I could walk in and they'd be friendly.
Snape: I can see it...
Draco: The Weaslette is pregnant with the Weasel's brat.
"That's great!" exclaimed Ginny, giving her a hug. "I can't wait! When is it due?"
"The end of June," said Hermione, happy that Ginny had not questioned her judgement. "You will be an honorary aunt, just like Harry and Ron."
"I'm going to be an aunt?" said Ginny dreamily.
"I'm going to be an aunt?" exclaimed Ron.
"Uncle," Hermione corrected him. "You too, Harry."
"Thanks, Hermione," said Harry, looking as though his birthday had come early.
"Group hug!" Ron yelled, and they all gathered together and embraced each other.
"I probably should be getting to bed, though," said Hermione, looking at the clock above the fireplace.
"You can share my bed," said Ginny. "Yours isn't there anymore."
Hermione shot her a grateful look, and they waved the boys goodbye as they ascended the marble staircase.
Neville: Who yells "Group hug!" anymore? Even I'm not that lame.
Tom: -Fake happy voice- Group hug!
Tom: -Scoffs-
Snape: I wonder what would happen if I walked into class and yelled "Group Hug?"
Draco: Weasel is such a dork...
Neville: Don't...just...Don't.
Tom: The students would run in terror.
Tom: At least if it was you.
Tom: They'd make the mistake of hugging Dumbles.
Tom: -Shudders-
"Professor?"
Hargid jumped, his eyes searching wildly around for the speaker. Thankfully, it was from outside, and he scrambled for his clothes. He had been relieving his tension after a Gryffindor/Slytherin lesson, because he had been staring at his love throughout the whole lesson. He had gotten so excited that he dismissed the class quickly and went inside to repeat his last lesson with his hand.
He, fortunately, had managed to pull a robe on before the perpetrator entered and stared curiously at him.
"Wha are you doin' here, Malfoy?" Hagrid grunted.
Snape: Dun dun duuuun.
Draco: Oh... Gods... NO!
Draco: -Curls up in the fetal position- Nyu… don't rape my perfectly tight virgin ass...
Tom: -Mutters- Virgin, my ass…
Snape: oO
Tom: Luci must be so proud.
Neville: I never knew you were into Hagrid!
Draco: I'm not! -Sobs-
Draco: I don't like this any more!
Snape: suck it up.
Tom: Says the blood Traitor.
Snape: Me?
Tom: Mudblood lover. Dressing her up as a hooker too. -Tuts-
"Well," Malfoy started, walking slowly towards him and setting his books down on his big oak table. "I've been thinking. You know that sex ed lesson last week?"
"Yea'," said Hagrid, shifting nervously from one foot to another and looking questioningly at him.
"Well, I saw how pleased Granger looked when you were – you know – doing it, and I wanted to try." Malfoy looked smugly at him and began to take off his robes, advancing slowly towards him.
Snape: What would Lucius say?
Draco: -Points Wand at his head-
Tom: It's the only honorable thing to do...
Neville: You have to wait till the end
Draco: AVADA KADAVRA -Dies-
Tom: Good, we don't have to hear him crying.
Snape: Spoiled sport.
Tom: And what's with the timeline?
Neville: Eh?
Tom: First it was the same day, then months in the future, and now it was last week.
Neville: Dunno
Hagrid's eyes bugged out of their sockets and rolled onto the floor. "I love 'Ermione," he said, searching on the floor for his eyeballs. "I would nev'r betray 'er like tha'."
"I think you'll change your mind when you get some of this," Malfoy said, finally discarding his last article of clothing and standing proudly in front of him, his 'tool of trade' in full view. Truth be told, Hagrid was secretly disappointed. He had been told that Malfoy was excellent, but to him, he just looked scrawny.
Malfoy looked angry when Hagrid snorted. "It's not funny," he said, his hands on his hips in a very ladylike manner. "If I'm not satisfying enough, you come over here."
Snape: Tom, revive Draco. I want him to witness this!
Tom: Would I be so cruel?
Tom: ...
Snape: Yes.
Tom: -revives Draco-
Draco: meh..?
Snape: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
Neville: OO
Draco: -Sees story- AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Draco: -Points wand again-
Neville: Take his wand!
Draco: Nyuu! TT
Hagrid shook his head. "Nothing doing."
Malfoy raised his eyebrows. "Oh yes you are," he said, getting his wand out of his robes that lay discarded on the floor. "Imperivus!"
Hagrid felt strangly light and airy. "Take off your clothes," said a wonderful voice. Hagrid immediately stripped carelessly tossing his robes to the side and eagerly waiting to hear that wonderful voice again.
"Go get him," said a voice inside his head. Hagrid smiled dreamily, and went over to Malfoy, putting his hands on his hips. He hesitated. This wasn't right.
"Just do it," said the voice, and Hagrid obeyed. Everything would be alright if he just listened to that voice.
Snape: It's not Imperivus... -.-
Tom: Well, at least he did it the Slytherin way.
Neville: What would your father say?
Draco: -Rocking in his chair- Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy...
Snape: At least the idiot is leaving Hermione alone. ...Maybe in the story I sneak up and kill the kid.
Tom: He's losing it...
Snape: -hits Draco upside the head- Get over it!
Malfoy screamed as Hagrid began, obviously not expecting him to be that big. Actually, Hagrid's was about the length of Malfoy's head. Malfoy screamed as Hagrid went on, smiling as if nothing were wrong.
As they finished, Hagrid came out of his illusory trance and looked around, blinking.
"Wha' happened?" said Hargid stupidly, taking notice suddenly of his hands on Malfoys hips and part of his body inside Malfoy.
Snape: ...
Draco: -Faints-
Neville: -twitch-
Tom: Wuss...
Tom: He killed Malfoy with his dick.
Tom: He's a pedophile, rapist, and a murder.
Tom: If I had known, I'd have gotten him to join my minions.
Snape: -snickers and pours water over Draco- Wake up Hagrid's bitch.
Draco: Nyu, Daddy... .O
"That was great," said Malfoy, panting and pulling away from him, revealing very sore and red cheeks. "We must do it again sometime."
"Wha' did you make me do?" Hagrid roared, although he had already figured it out at that point. "Get out of my cabin!"
Malfoy smirked at him as he exited, his robes flung on a few seconds before. Hagrid stood, dumfounded, looking after him as he walked haughtily towards the castle, apparently very pleased with himself. Hagrid stood in the doorway for a countless number of minutes before he put on his clothes and rushed over to see Hermione, determined to make this nightmare end.
Tom: He wouldn't have been able to walk...
Tom: Especially Haughtily...
Snape: No. Surely in the real world he'd be dead.
Tom: Damn Magic...
Neville: He'd at least be limping.
Draco: TT
Tom: That's just creepy...
Snape: -shudder-