Story: Keep the Faith
Rating: T-M
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
A/N: Responses are at end of the chapter. Sorry for the typos! Much love to all! (Violence to one!)
Chapter 5 – My Brain Is Gonna Overload
July 25th, 2015
Grace and Luke stayed with Joan and Adam for two weeks until July 23rd. The lease on their apartment would run out in the middle of August and the police had already taken all the evidence they needed. Ryan Hunter was leading the FBI on a headhunt. He was making sure to live easy 'mistake' paper trails as he played head games with them across the country. He made sure to show his face enough in public to be captured on cameras and broadcast on the news.
On the 24th, Luke and Grace had spent the entire day packing what possessions they needed or wanted. Mostly all of the girls' stuff was packed and about half of their own stuff was packed. The furniture was being left behind to condense on space. After they packed everything they piled the boxes and went back to Joan and Adam's place for one last dinner together in NYC.
Now, today was the 25th. It was a hot Saturday. Luke had the car parked in the ally next to the Chinese place. Cappy was watching the kids in the lobby while Grace, Luke, Adam and Joan took turns hand trucking boxes down. Luke had rented a U-haul hitch since he didn't think they had enough to warrant a rental truck.
After they'd packed they said a long goodbye in the lobby. They had already gone out to breakfast together.
"Call us when you get to Arcadia," Joan sniffled after she and Grace had exchanged a hug; something that was coming more freely from Grace, Joan noted. Luke offered her a tight-lipped smile. He pulled her into a tight hug.
"I have a 24-hour detail on your place with the warning that if anything happens to you guys, I will personally rip out their entrails and feed them to them as their last meal," He told Joan.
"Ew…" Joan shuddered. "But thanks dog boy," She hugged him back.
"Who knows, maybe we'll see you soon anyway," Adam smiled.
Grace looked down when she felt something at her leg and saw Gabe staring up at her with big round eyes. She crouched down to his level. "What's up kid?" She asked him.
"Are you coming back?" He asked with a wounded puppy expression that rivaled Adam's.
Grace felt her chest stricken just looking at the crushed look on his face. "Well, we're not going to live here anymore, Gabe. Uncle Luke and me are going to live where Nona and Popi live," Grace said using the words Gabe and the kids knew for Joan and Luke's parents. Gabe stared at her for a moment before his tears spilled over. He was silent for a moment but then he sucked in a few breaths and sniffled as he cried.
Grace frowned, "Come here, you," She pulled Gabe in for a long hug and kissed the top of his head. "I promise you'll see us real soon, okay?" She asked.
Adam wrapped an arm around Joan's shoulder. Joan put her head on Adam's shoulder, close to tears again herself. Hadn't she promised herself not to let them all part ways? Was this technically parting ways? They'd managed to be on opposite sides of the country before; they could easily survive a few states apart couldn't they?
"Come on, pal, Uncle Luke and Gigi have to go," Adam said, reaching out to take Gabe's hand.
"Bye-bye!" Mac giggled from her stroller as Grace stood up.
She quickly masked her welled up eyes with some sunglasses and took Lara from Cappy. "See you later Mac," Grace leaned towards the stroller and gave Mac a goodbye kiss on the cheek after Luke did. Grace held Lara to the stroller. "Say bye-byes to Mac," She instructed. Lara reached out and hugged Mac, causing Joan's tears to spill over. "Okay…too much water works," She looked at Luke, who had Brynn in his arms. "Ready?" She asked.
Luke nodded. Joan and Adam followed Luke and Grace out. They exchanged one last goodbye after Luke and Grace had hooked Lara and Brynn into their car seats. Finally Joan, Adam, Gabe and Mac were left to wave goodbye as they backed out of the ally and drove off.
By 3pm they had completed the four-hour drive to Arcadia. Luke pulled into their driveway and cut the engine. Last weekend they had driven down here and left the kids for the day with Helen and Will, expecting to go house hunting with the intention of moving out f NYC and back home by mid-August.
With a little help from a realtor Kevin knew through the paper, they'd snagged a beautiful two-story house with a driveway, a big back yard, as well as a spacious front lawn. It had a white picket fence, which had actually made Grace gag at first but now seemed like a good idea after factoring the kids in. It had been on the market so long that the couple that'd owned it had already moved out and were itching to make settlement. They'd also gotten it for nearly $30,000 less than it should have been.
Luke had resigned from the FBI, effective as of Monday morning at 8am. It had been a long time coming though, because now he had a lot of press conferences and meetings lined up since a deal was brewing between federal bureaus for his fingerprint formula. Grace had put in for and switched her state bar licensing to Maryland instead of New York. She was still a partner in the New York firm, and was going to start setting up a new branch of the Firm in Arcadia that would service both Arcadia and Baltimore.
After getting out of the car and stretching, Grace and Luke took the girls out and brought them inside. Once inside, Grace set Brynn up in her portable swinging chair to keep her busy. She set Lara up on a blanket on the floor with some Cheerios and coloring books to scribble in. Luke called his parents and within 15 minutes they arrived.
"Oh look at this place," Helen got teary eyed as she looked at the house her son and Grace had bought. She gathered Grace in a hug when Grace stood to greet them and she was surprised when Grace didn't flinch, but hugged her back instead.
Will and Luke walked in, giving updates about the Ryan. As soon as Will and Helen entered the room, Lara dropped her crayon. She stood up and looked between her grandparents, not sure who to go for first. Because Helen was closer, she walked right over, holding her hands out. Helen lifted Lara easily into her arms and kissed her on the cheek, immediately starting a conversation in a singsong voice with Lara.
Will and Luke set about unloading the boxes, starting with the kitchen stuff. Luckily the former couple had left a kitchen table behind, so they would at least be able to have dinner without sitting on the floor. Grace and Helen dug into the grocery bags Helen had bought and set to work on cooking a big dinner since Kevin and Lily were on their way to help.
"Anyone call for a commentating hand truck?" Kevin called out as he wheeled into the kitchen with a box on his lap.
Grace shook her head and laughed at him. "What's that?" She walked over to Kevin. During the week, Luke had gotten Will to wait at the house so that someone would be there when the team of workers came to outfit the front steps and the back deck with a wheel chair ramp for Kevin.
He held the box out to her. "Desert," He smiled. When Grace leaned in to take the box, Kevin ambushed her. "You don't get away that easy," He said pulling her into a hug. Grace laughed at him, barely keeping her balance. She felt comfortable with Luke's family. She felt safe. She felt like she was home.
Grace had barely put the cake down when Caleb came running in with Katie and Justin close at his heels. Caleb threw his arms around Grace's waist. His head came to just about the top of her stomach.
"Whoa," Grace tried not to grimace. Her side was still a little tender.
"Hey, be careful Cay, Aunt Grace still has stitches in her side," Kevin reprimanded as Katie and Justin caught up. Katie threw her arms around the other half of Grace's waist and Justin through his arms around his siblings, not wanting to be left out. "Guys give her some air!" Kevin laughed. Helen watched the scene while trying to hold her laughter back.
"No way, let them get it out of their system plenty now, they're not going to like any of us when they're teenagers," Grace grinned. Caleb looked up earnestly.
"That's not true," He sounded offended
Grace nodded. "We'll see," She winked at him to let him know she was just playing. "There's a swing set and a sandbox out back if you guys want to go play," Grace offered, glancing at Kevin and Lily to see if they approved. Lily nodded and the kids ran off out the back door, bringing Damage with them.
"Oh! Holy crap! You can't sneak up on my like that after what happened to Grace!" Joan said when she'd locked her office and turned around only to come face to face with cute boy God. She had almost punched him out of sheer shock. "I could have killed you with my wicked jujitsu…" She mocked a ninja stance as she started walking towards the elevators. He smirked as e followed her.
"Funny, I don't remember you know jujitsu," He said to her.
Joan rolled her eyes. "Maybe you lost some of that omniscience then?" She suggested sarcastically.
"I knew you were going to say that," God challenged, sticking his arm out to hold the elevator doors for Joan. She walked in, followed by him.
"He said after the fact," She narrated as the doors shut and they rode towards the lobby. "So what's the deal? You nearly let me, Grace and my innocent, baby nieces get killed for kicks?" Joan left extra emphasis on "innocent baby nieces."
"It's interesting that you're trying to hide your anger towards me, Joan," He smirked. "You usually don't have such self restraint."
Joan looked at him, confused for a moment that he'd figured out her inner feelings. She had had a long day after all. She's helped Grace and Luke pack early in the day and then had scheduled a 3 hour long emergency session for one of her troubled 13 year old clients even though it was Saturday.
"Omniscience, Joan," He explained.
"Oh…duh," Joan said, almost smacking herself in the head for her mental lapse. The reached the lobby and exited the building. God stayed in close stride to Joan as she decided to walk instead of hail a cab.
"I like that you're taking an initiative in saving the planet by walking instead of riding," God spoke up.
Joan snorted. "I guess having Grace as a sister-in-law makes it easier for her to rub off on me."
"Of course, and in the same right for you to rub off on her," He smiled.
Joan arched an eyebrow. "Me? Rub off on Grace? Ha!" She offered an amused chortle of laughter.
"Sometimes we don't realize the true depth of our influence until we open our eyes more fully and take in every detail around us," God said, stopping at a street performer on the corner. Joan watched as God bobbed his head to the sweet melody that the violinist was playing. Joan turned her attention to the violinist as God closed his eyes, using his hands as his head swayed. "Look around you Joan…tell me who this musician has the most influence on?" God asked.
Joan looked first at the violinist. She looked very upscale compared to most of the street performers Joan usually encountered. For a moment she was caught up in the memories of Adam and Grace. Whenever Joan walked with either of them and they came upon a street performer, Grace or Adam would demand to stop and observe for a good fifteen or twenty minutes before leaving at least a ten in whatever kind of case the performer had. The violinist however, looked like she belonged in an orchestra. She opened her eyes, which she had been holding shut, feeling the music. She looked directly at God and offered a nod. God nodded back. The violinist then looked around at the crowd that had gathered. Some threw change and a few dollars into her violin case.
"Did you tell her to do this?" Joan asked.
God glanced at Joan. "I gave her the suggestion, yes," He smiled.
"Why?" Joan asked.
God smirked at her. "Look around you Joan. I want you to tell me," He said.
Joan looked around at the gathered crowd. People from all walks of life were enjoying the beautiful music. Some were highly over dressed to be walking on the street and some looked like their shoes needed to be thrown out months ago. That's when Joan spotted God's reason; the recipient of a ripple effect. There, standing against the leg of her mother, wide-eyed and enthralled, was a little girl no more than a year or two older than Gabe. Her mother looked tired, probably from a long day of work. She wore a waitress uniform. The little girl was decked out in a pair of jeans that looked too short for her and a shirt that was very worn and was riding up at the bottom as if the girl had gone through a growth spurt from the time she'd put the clothes on until the time her mother had picked her up. Her mother held a half-stuffed grocery bag in her arm and a pursed on her shoulder. She was holding the little girl's hand.
"Mama?" The girl tugged at her mother's hand.
"Yes?" The woman asked, ignoring the sweat trickling down her forehead because she had no free hand to wipe it away.
"Can I do that?" She asked, clearly entranced by the sound and movement of the violinist before her.
The mother frowned. Joan noticed some of the more upscale-looking people around her cast shameful glances in the woman's direction. Joan wondered if it was because the woman was so obviously an overworked single mother or because they were afraid they'd catch something from her since they were different colors. Joan frowned as the mother sadly answered her daughter.
"Maybe one day when you're older, honey," She tried to sound hopeful for her daughter but the little girl seemed to understand right away that 'maybe someday' meant it wasn't very likely. 'Maybe someday' was probably what the girl's mother said when she asked if her daddy was ever coming home.
All at once the thrill and excitement left the little girl's face. Her body seemed to slump in sadness. Joan felt her eyes burn. Even as the violinist because to play, facing the little girl as she plucked out a beautifully simply classical piece, the girl's hope vanished.
"Come on sweetie, it's time to go…" The mother said, reluctantly dragging her daughter away. Joan saw the lone tear that traveled down the girl's cheek.
"That's it? You just wanted her to see that she wouldn't be able to make beautiful music because her mother can't afford it?" Joan asked God.
God looked at Joan. "The music and her love for it will not dwindle completely for her, Joan. But her life is not easy. It is, as you thought, full of 'maybe, someday.'" He told her. Joan was sure sadness flickered in his eyes.
Joan shook her head. "This isn't right," She said. Without looking back, she turned and went in the direction she saw the mother and father head in. God smiled after her. He waited a few more minutes before following.
"Excuse me! Miss! Hey watch it buddy," Joan darted through people to catch up to the woman. "Miss! Hey, wait!" She called.
The woman looked over her shoulder and Joan finally caught up, out of breath. "Are you lost?" The woman asked.
"No," Joan shook her head, smiling to the little girl who was looking at her curiously. She reached into her purse as she glanced at the woman's nametag. "Casey, my name's Joan," She shuffled around and found her checkbook. She scribbled into it.
"Is there something I can do for you, because I really need to get home…" Casey felt leery.
Joan leaned down to the little girl. "And what's your name?" She asked.
"Lizzie Smith," The little girl said.
Joan smiled and wrote the rest of the check. She made sure there would be enough for what she thought would be a good violin and then ripped it free. She handed it to the little girl. "This…is so that maybe, someday, you can learn to play the violin like that lady down the street," She said.
Lizzie's eyes widened. She looked at her mother as if asking if she could take it. Casey looked at Joan, bewildered.
"Oh, no, we couldn't-,"
"Please…" Joan looked at Casey. "I have a son just a bit younger than her and if there was anyway I couldn't make any of his dreams come true…well I don't know what I would do…" She knew it sounded cheesy but sometimes compassion was full of cheese.
Casey looked at Joan for a moment, mulling this over. She looked down at her daughter's pleading eyes and gave in, nodding to Lizzie. Lizzie reached out and accepted the gift.
"Thank you!" Lizzie smiled gleefully.
Joan nodded, smiling. "Put it to good use," She said to Lizzie, who nodded emphatically.
"Thank you…" Casey said with filled eyes. Joan nodded and watched them head up the street.
"Compassion is a rare trait in many people anymore," God said from next to Joan. He wore an impressed expression. Joan was still watching after Casey and Lizzie. "So I know you have tomorrow and Monday clear on your schedule…" He said.
Joan looked at him. "I feel a suggestion coming on," Joan commented.
God smirked. "I want you and Adam to take the family home until Monday. You're needed there."
"Is something horrible going to happen again?" Joan frowned.
God smirked. He surprised Joan when he answered her. "Ryan Hunter is in Texas," He told her, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Grace needs strength…it's strength only you and Adam can give her."
"O-kay…" Joan said as God walked away, casting a backwards wave to her.
After dinner, around 8pm, Helen, Will, Kevin, Lily and the kids left to go to their homes. Grace promised to meet Helen for lunch with the girls on Monday, at Helen's request. After everyone left, Luke and Grace spent three hours putting two cribs together. By the time they'd finished, Brynn was already asleep. Lara however had taken a nice long nap during the afternoon and didn't seem to want to go to sleep. So, while Luke said goodnight to Lara and went to put his and Grace's bed frame together, Grace sat in the rocking chair with Lara and tried to get the toddler to sleep.
Thirty-five minutes later it was almost 11:45. Grace walked into the large master bedroom that was one door down from the room the girls were in. Luke was on the floor in the middle of the large metal and wooden frame that would eventually be their bed frame. He was so intent on staring at the directions as he turned a screw driver, he didn't notice Grace's entrance. She watched him from the doorway for a few minutes
He had a pencil in his teeth, marking off each step as he completed it. He sat with one leg straight and the other curled under him. The direction book was strewn across his curled leg as he turned the screw driver. Grace frowned at the appearance of his face. Since Ryan had attacked, Luke had progressed into a state of insomnia.
She couldn't remember the last time she woke up in the middle of the night and he was actually asleep. There were dark bags under his eyes. Most of the time there was a crease of worry etched into his forehead. Granted Grace had experienced a few sleepless nights because of a nightmare or two involving Ryan and the girls, but she was growing more and more worried about Luke each day. In an ironic turn of fate, he was becoming more and more standoffish about talking to her about the subject.
Crossing the hardwood floor, Grace climbed inside the frame and sat down behind Luke. He glanced briefly over his shoulder to acknowledge he saw her before going back to another screw. Grace sat down behind Luke, resting her legs along either side of him. She slipped her hands under his arms and loosely looped them around him and she rested her chin on his shoulder.
"Why don't we give it a rest for tonight?" She suggested, turning her head and trailing a few kisses along the side and back of his neck.
She heard Luke inhale deeply and smiled to herself. "We don't have a bed to sleep on without this frame," He replied.
"So what?" Grace said between a few more strategically placed kisses.
"So…I have to finish this before we can even think about sleep," He stopped working and turned his head sideways to look at her as he spoke. "And then there's your office room, the guestroom, both bathrooms, the living room and the dining room," He rambled. "Plus unpacking the rest of the girls' stuff and our clothes and-,"
"Whoa, slow down Speed Racer. We can't do all of that in one night," Grace relied. "And we have a place to sleep. We'll just move all the pieces of the rest of the frame and headboard to the side and drop the top mattress on the flood inside the frame. I'm sure the comforter is around here somewhere," She shrugged, putting her chin back down on his shoulder. "We can finish everything tomorrow," She suggested, hoping he would agree. She was tired but was determined to stay awake long enough to get Luke to sleep.
Luke sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay," He nodded and went to move.
"Oh, no you don't. I didn't say you could stand up yet," Grace held onto him.
Luke rolled his eyes. He reached down and loosened Grace's grip, climbing out of her embrace. "Come on, Grace, stop playing around," He climbed out from inside the frame and went to a pile of boxes nearby to put his screwdriver, pencil and instructions booklet down. He ran a ragged hand through his hair, knowing he shouldn't have snapped at her. He turned around and crossed his arms as he leaned back against the boxes tiredly. He looked at Grace.
Grace was sitting on the floor still. She was looking up at Luke with her mouth open just a tiny bit and a confused and hurt expression shining in her eyes. Luke put his head down and ran a tired hand through his hair at the back of his head again.
"Look, I'm sorry-,"
"Did I do something or is this just a temporary breakdown?" Grace interrupted him, resting her hands on her knees as she pulled them up.
"What?" Luke asked even though he knew what she'd meant.
"Don't play dumb, we both know you're a genius," Grace said pointedly. "I just need to know if you're headed for meltdown because if you are I need to prepare myself, I'm not sure I can save you dude when we've got so much going on with the girls and your finger print stuff and relocating my work and don't' forget the whole Ryan paranoia crap. You're the strong one," Grace cringed, hating to admit this. "So I mean send out an SOS, cry mayday, do something. But don't you dare just stand there acting like nothing's-,"
"Grace, stop," Luke interrupted her. Grace looked at him, trying to gauge his thoughts. He took a deep breath and looked at his feet. "I've just had a lot on my mind and it's been hard to sleep. There's no meltdown on the horizon, okay?"
Grace studied him for another moment until he looked at her again. "You've hardly slept in weeks," She pressed on.
Luke sighed, putting his head down and rubbing his hands across the back of his neck. "Can you blame me? My family's in danger," He stated.
"You think that doesn't register with me?" Grace asked incredulously.
Luke reached around to rub his eyes. "What are we even arguing about?" He asked.
"Your mental meltdown," Grace commented.
"I'm not having a mental meltdown, all right?" Luke almost shouted using his hand for emphasis as he looked at her now.
Grace didn't even flinch, but she kept her eyes on Luke as he paced slightly.
"You don't know what I'm feeling or thinking okay so you can't possibly understand why I haven't been able to sleep," He said quickly.
Grace stood and walked over towards there their mattresses were lying against the wall. "All right," She nodded with a deep breath. "Let's just lay this down and try to get to sleep then," She said calmly.
Luke looked at her, perplexed for a moment, before he grabbed one end and they dropped it on the floor inside the half finished frame on the floor. Grace dug through a box and found their bedding. She pulled out a sheet to put it on the mattress before dropping the comforter on the bed and finding her pajamas to change into them.
"So…so that's it?" Luke asked, stripping his pants and shirt off to prepare for bed.
Grace shrugged and pursed her lips tightly together. "I'm not going to force you to talk, geek," She said.
Luke watched her drop some pillows onto the bed. She sat so she was leaning her back against the wall and pulled the covers over her legs. It was cold now in the house, since it had been so humid outside that they put the central air on. She managed to find some files that she was helping Andy Wells go over for an upcoming case. She planned to fax him her notes from Kevin and Lily's house the next day if she and Luke didn't get the computer and fax machine up and running by the afternoon. She held a highlighter and a pencil and a legal pad nearby for underlining and note taking.
Out of the corner of her eye, Grace watched as Luke mechanically laid himself down on the mattress and pulled the covers over half of his body. He lay there with his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling in the dim light. She noticed him look at her a couple of times and opened his mouth to speak, but would just closed it a few seconds later as if deciding what he was thinking of saying was too trivial to vocalize.
After a long while of silence, Grace looked over and saw that Luke was asleep. His brow was knitted and tense. His body was rigid, as if he was on guard even in his slumber. She sighed as she piled her notes and the files on the floor nearby. She reached over and turned the lamp on the floor off. Once her eyes adjusted to the moonlight, she slid her body down so she was lying on the mattress on her side, facing Luke.
She watched the blue-gray tinted light cast shadows across his stricken face as she ran her hand along his cheek and into his hair. She remembered this strained, worried look while he slept. He'd donned it many times when she was pregnant with Lara. She was on bed rest for a whole month after the bike messenger.
She had been four months pregnant then. Luke had been jumpy. Anytime he'd bumped into her, he'd apologize profusely and ask for hours afterwards if she was okay. If he tossed or turned in his sleep and happened to even tap her, he was up for hours, watching her sleep just to make sure he hadn't hurt her.
When she'd woken up in the hospital after the messenger hit her, she'd heard Luke in the hallway yelling at the doctors to let him see her. She had smiled to herself then, until he burst into the room. He looked like he could have keeled over at any moment. His hair was disheveled, his eyes were bloodshot, his face was creased with worried and he was shaking so intensely that Grace wasn't sure how he was standing because surely his legs had wobbled right out from under him.
Grace sighed, feeling her eyelids become heavier. She resolved to try to talk to Luke in the morning again. Grace had just fallen into a deep sleep when she was startled awake by Luke, who had emitted a loud cry of pain.
Grace was sitting straight up before her eyes even popped open. She looked next to her to find Luke curled tightly into a fetal position with his left hand clenched on the left side of his head tightly and his right hand covering the right half of his face. The veins in his head and neck pulsed and his fingers turned white from pressing so hard. He cried out, tears running down his face as he shook.
"Luke, what's wrong?" Grace asked. "What's going on? Luke!" Grace shook him by his shoulder. Luke was rocking slightly by now.
"No…stop…" He said between cries and sobs. "Please…just stop…please…" He pleaded.
Grace was beginning to get panicked. "Luke! Come on, wake up!" She shook him harder. "LUKE!" She screamed leaning herself down closer.
Luke jolted. His eyes opened wide and darted around, trying to figure out where he was. Grace tried to pry his hands away from his face. Before she could say his name again Luke reached out desperately and buried his face against Grace's stomach, wrapping his arms tightly around her and holding on. She felt his hands clinging against her back.
Grace did the only thing she could think of. She ran her hands through his hair and down his back, rocking slightly.
"You were dreaming," She tried to keep her voice as calm and soothing as possible. "It's all right, you're awake now," She told him as she fought the shock that was rumbling through her. What the hell was going on? Grace leaned down and kissed the top of Luke's head, resting her cheek sideways against his head.
Luke muttered apologies that muffled into Grace's stomach and chest. Grace held on almost as tight as Luke was holding onto her.
When Luke still hadn't calmed down nearly twenty minutes later, Grace felt herself beginning to breakdown. Her eyes filled and her heart pounded. Her throat felt dry. What was she supposed to do? She sniffled herself.
"Tell me what to do, I don't know what's wrong, Luke…" She finally forced out into his hair. Luke's body froze and went rigid when he heard the tone of her voice. Grace felt guilt riddle through her. Great, now she'd made him feel twice as bad. Luke took a few deep, calming breaths.
After a few more minutes he finally spoke. His body turned now, and the back of his head was against Grace's body. His arms curled in around her arms as she held him there. He stared off into the darkness as Grace watched him intently. She watched his watery eyes spill hot tears every now and then as he blinked.
"I-I…keep having these dreams…" He voice was barely above a whisper. "T-they don't feel like dreams…they feel real…" He choked out.
"What kind of dreams?" Grace tried not to let her weakness shine through in her voice.
"You…a-and, and Adam…standing…" He cleared his throat and inhaled a shaky breath. "St-standing at a grave…I can only get so close…And I ask who's…who's it is…" He clenched his eyes shuts. "They just look at me…un-until I scream at them." Luke slowly opened his eyes. "And they just point…so, so…I turn around…and…" He shook his head, shaking as more tears came out. Grace watched him. Her own eyes filled. "And it's you…" He sniffled. "You look…." He trailed off; clearly wishing this image was not in his head. "You look…like something…out of, out of a horror movie…" His voice grew weaker and he swallowed hard and turned his eyes to her. She watched tears flow out of his eyes and back into his hair. "A-and then you ask me, 'w-why did you let him do this to me?'" Luke clenched his eyes shut tightly again. He shook his head. "I'm sorry…" He breathed. "I'm so sorry…"
Grace moved her hands and took his face firmly in her palms. "Open your eyes…" She demanded. Slowly, Luke let his eyes open and looked at her. "He's not going to beat us, Luke…" She said firmly. "You are not responsible for anything he does," She breathed in deeply, using a hand to caress the side of his face and trailing her thumb to wipe at some of his tears. "We're going to get through this…" She said defiantly. She kissed him and hugged him tightly. Luke hugged her back, burrowing his face into the crook of her neck and hair. "Together right? That's what you always tell me." She planted a kiss against the side of his head. "We'll get through all of it together," She told him.
"It's other people too…" Luke whispered. "Sometimes the girls…" He cringed, "And my dad…Joan….Adam…" He explained slowly. Grace held onto to him and told him it was just a dream for at least an hour before Luke succumbed to exhaustion.
July 26th, 2015
"And what are your plans for today?" Helen asked Joan as she sat across from her daughter, who was engrossed in cleaning up after Mac as Mac made a mess of oatmeal while trying to eat it. Helen had been surprised to come down to the kitchen at only 6:30 am to find Joan just finishing cooking pancakes for Gabe. She had made extra pancakes for everyone and had just finished making a pot of coffee. She told her mother that she was just about to wake Helen and Will up for some breakfast but Mac was getting fussy. Adam had helped, but was not getting a shower.
"We're going to stop by and see Lily and the kids at the daycare center and then I think we'll pop on over and surprise Luke and Grace, you know, see if they need any help," Joan replied.
Helen nodded, eyeing her daughter for a moment. Joan noticed this and glanced from her mom to Mac and back.
"What?" She asked her mom.
Helen seemed like she was about to answer but changed her mind. "Nothing," She smiled. Mac launched another spoonful of oatmeal and laughed. "You used to do that all the time," Helen chuckled as Joan reached with a rag to clean it off the floor.
Joan chortled and looked at her mom. "I'm sorry," She said. Both women laughed heartily at the comment around their cups of coffee.
"And what is it we're laughing at so early in the morning?" Will asked as he entered the kitchen in his flannel pants and a t-shirt. He poured himself a cup of coffee and then kissed Joan on the top of her head. He sat down next to Helen and they exchanged a short kiss.
"Oh…nothing," Helen smiled and took a sip of her coffee.
"Your turn," Adam said as he entered the kitchen. He was dressed in a loose pair of jeans a white long sleeve shirt and an old paint smeared diesel shirt over top of that. His hair was wet and hanging slightly in his face. He came over and took Joan's seat as she stood. "Mr. & Mrs. G," Adam smiled and nodded to them, before turning his attention to Mac, who wagged her oatmeal covered spoon at him happily.
"Hi dada!" She said happily.
"Hello baby," He leaned in and kissed her cheek even though her face was covered in oatmeal. "Mmm, you taste like the Quaker man," He licked his lips dramatically. Helen and Will exchanged a glance that didn't go unnoticed by Joan. Joan simply smiled as Adam and Gabe started talking about 'centering art.' Helen laughed, knowing that he meant censoring and not centering but it was their running joke.
"Tell Nona what mommy tried to do when you drew on the wall, Gabe?" Adam asked.
Gabe's eyes widened. "Nona mommy tried to center me!" He claimed.
"Your mommy? Never!" Helen feigned shock
"Ya huh!" Gabe continued. Joan smiled as she turned to leave the room and go get her own shower.
It was 2pm when Grace had finally had enough of working in awkward silence with Luke. Lilly had come by and picked the girls up to watch them at the day care center for the day so Luke and Grace could finish unpacking the house. They had gone furniture shopping at 10am when the store opened and had managed to find suitable couches, loveseats, chairs, a dining room set, a washer and dryer and other smaller necessities by noon.
Once they'd gotten back home, Luke had started building the wall-length desk they'd gotten for her office. Grace had gone through the house and hung all the curtains and shades on the windows. Luke had finished the office by 2 and was now trying to get all the ceiling fans up. They had been avoiding talking about the night before. Most of the time they glanced at each other, wanting to ask if the other was okay, and just wound up staring at each other for a few unspoken seconds before returning to working.
"I'm going to go for the groceries," She told Luke as he worked on the fan in the living room.
"Okay…" Luke replied quietly as he turned one last screw.
Grace lingered for a moment, watching him. She wanted to smack him and shake him out of whatever he was in. She wanted him to talk too much and to ramble on about his thoughts even if she couldn't help him sort them out. She wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay even though she wasn't sure if it would be. She needed to believe it would be. Grace turned and headed out the front door. She made it to the door of the car when Luke caught up to her and grabbed her arm. Grace jumped slightly.
"You can't do that to me," She chided as she turned around. She let her voice trail off when her eyes met his and she saw his intensity. It almost scared her. She felt her heart thump in her throat.
"I'm sorry," He told her.
Grace stared up at him for awhile. She wasn't sure what to say. She was actually hoping for once that he could see everything she was feeling and thinking inside of her eyes, because she could definitely see and feel his emotions in his eyes. She felt desperate to reassure him but she couldn't figure out how. She chose to act instead of talk. She leaned up and kissed him. Luke watched her.
Grace nodded. "I know…it's all right," She opened the car door. "You know we still have to talk later, right?" She asked as she climbed into the seat and started the energy saving hybrid. Luke nodded. Grace nodded back. "I'll be back by 4," She told him. Luke nodded and shut her door for her before watching her drive off.
"So…look I know I haven't ever come to visit you, but I didn't know what to say," Grace frowned at the grave marker in front of her. The name on the marker was not her mother's and that was weird. It wasn't even Judith's. She had actually been to Judith's headstone a couple of times before they had all graduated high school. She had come to visit this grave but instead had found herself at Judith's, unable to go anywhere else.
Grace took a deep breath. "I wanted to come and visit you know," She shrugged. "It just didn't feel right then," She ran a few fingers across the engraved name. She sighed as she moved and picked up a potted plant of daffodils. "They're yellow, like those boats Rove used to draw for you."
Grace reached down; preparing to dig at the dirt, fully intending to un-pot the plants and bury them at Elizabeth's grave so that they could grow in the ground near the old grave. She stopped in her tracks and put the potted plant down when she saw a paper boat lying against the grave on the ground. Grace bit her lip.
Hesitantly, she reached a hand out and touched the paper boat just to make sure it was real. Once she realized it was real, she gingerly ran a finger down its perfectly folded edge. She picked the paper up, glancing around. The cold and frozen parts of the groceries in the car were probably starting to melt. Grace turned the boat over in her hand. She felt her eyes fill. She shook her head.
"I use to think you were who I wanted to be," She told the headstone, still fondling the paper boat. "I used to love when you let me stay over at night without asking why. And you used to be so collected and together. You smiled all the time. You were always there for us…more then my mom," She snorted. "Which you know," She smirked and shook her head. "What's scary now is, we're all doomed aren't we? We're doomed to let them down just like you both let us down. It's rare when parents are as steadfast in raising their kids. Hell, I'm already losing, mine almost died because of me," Grace shook her head. "I don't know why I'm even here talking to you. It's not like you can hear me. Mom either. She probably doesn't even care. Can you get drunk when you're dead?" Grace asked.
She shook her head. Years of memories and let downs rattle around in her mind. Why did she feel more comfortable coming to Elizabeth's grave then her own? Two people were less than steady. Luke and Joan's parents, they're unwavering in their dedication. Luke and Joan are too. Was Grace? She thought she was. Then again, after last night she felt weak and terrified. Was Ryan going to cause her family to crumble? When had Grace let the rest of her walls fall and accepted all of this change in her life? It wasn't the first moment she let Luke in, but that had been the catalyst. Once her trust was in him, slowly, over the years he had picked at the walls, brick by brick. She retained some of her hardened cynicism but now she put it to good use. She helped people. So why did she feel so vulnerable?
"Forget it, it's not important," She finally spoke. Looking at the boat, she noticed something was written on the inside of it. Grace carefully unfolded it. On the inside she found shocking words. It was her poem. She had thought this poem had been lost to Joan's dusty scrap booking. Here it was in pencil print inside a paper boat. Who besides Rove would do this? Rove's in New York.
Grace heard herself as she began to read it out loud.
You and me, we used to talk
Like a river underground, the sewer where we used to walk.
The hole at the end empties out to the pier
Where paperboats disappear
Me, I try to send this note,
Float it like a paper boat,
But paper sinks and words are weak.
I try but I don't speak
Join together in the silent snow
Turn our faces up to see
Not endless night, but day
A pier
And you and me, talking
Grace sighed and shook her head as she looked down at the poem. She refolded it and placed it back in its spot. She heard feet rustling against the grass and figured it was someone visiting a grave nearby. She ran her hand over the boat one more time.
"Words are weak," She said to herself as she climbed to her feet.
"You and me…we used to talk," A quiet, thoughtful voice said from behind Grace.
Grace nearly leapt out of her skin in shock. She turned around and rubbed her eyes before staring at Adam, unsure if he was really there.
"What are you doing here?" She asked when she figured out that she wasn't hallucinating.
Adam smiled at her. "We cleared out schedules until Tuesday so that we could get some rest in. Jane said it would be a good idea to come down and help you and Luke unpack and visit," He told her. "Luke said you were getting groceries and you were late," He shrugged. "I figured I'd check here when I didn't see your car at the store…I left that this morning…" He pointed to the boat.
Grace nodded, looking at her feet. She wasn't sure if she wanted Adam to know how much she really did need him to be standing right in front of her right now. She shuffled her feet a little, straightening her shirt. She had to think of something to say soon before he got suspicious.
"Those are beautiful," Adam said, spotting the flowers.
Grace looked at them and then at him nervously. "I-I just…I haven't visited her since…you know."
Adam turned and stood next to Grace. He reached his arm out and wrapped his hand up in hers. They stood at the foot of the grave in silence for a moment.
"I used to pretend you were standing next to me when I came to visit her," He said quietly.
Grace didn't respond. She felt her vulnerability breaking through and it scared her even after all of this time. She gripped his hand tighter. She was vaguely aware of Adam turning his head to look at her.
"Grace?" He asked, sounding startled.
It was then at Grace realized she had started crying. She felt embarrassment but it was overshadowed by emotion. She felt lost. She didn't know what to do to help Luke and she was afraid to talk to Joan about it. She was afraid to talk to Adam too, but for some reason she felt it was almost possible to talk to him about it. Then again what she was really scared of was that they already knew. Maybe God, or Collier knew and told them. Maybe the dreams were coming to Luke because of God or Collier.
"Grace what's wrong?" Adam asked. He stepped in front of Grace and placed his hands at her shoulders.
Grace looked at him with weary and tired eyes. She tried to speak but nothing came out. Adam brushed her hair out of her face.
"You can talk to me Grace. I know you think you can't anymore…or you haven't been able to for a long time cause of…" He frowned, "Tell me what's wrong," His eyes pleaded with her. He felt guilty for the years he'd been too wrapped up in his pain to see what his silence and Grace's parents were doing to her.
"I don't know what to do…" She finally spoke. Her shoulders hunched and she began spilling everything out to Adam. He opened his arms and pulled her against himself. Grace's hands gripped the front of his shirt as she buried her head sideways against his chest and tried to make sense of what was going on. Before she knew it she was on a sobbing rant about how helpless and weak she felt and how she couldn't keep on feeling this way. She screamed to him that she wanted to fix all the pain she'd caused. That's when Adam stopped her.
"What makes you think any of this is your fault?" He asked her.
"It is…he's related to me," She said weakly. She knew Adam was going to protest.
"Don't be dense, Grace," Adam said angrily. "You know damn well this is not your fault just like it's not mine, Luke's, Jane's, or anyone else's but Ryan's fault." He said sternly. Grace just looked up at Adam, unsure how to respond. After a moment she sniffled and nodded, looking down and feeling dumb for ever wanting to blame herself. "If you ever think that again I'm totally going to tell Luke about your weakness for slow acoustic folk songs by people like Jim Croce and Kenny Loggins…"
Grace opened her eyes wide at Adam in shock. "You wouldn't…" She said, astounded.
"I would," He nodded, taking her hand and leading her towards her car. As Adam drove towards Luke and Grace's home, Grace thought about what she should expect. No doubt Joan would have coaxed out of Luke what had happened. That was when Grace knew God had told Joan to come home and help him. Grace shook her head, this was getting complicated. Oh well, at least they had reinforcements, even if only for a couple of days.
A/N: Yes I know that's a weird place to end so sue me! Well, lay it on me and don't be afraid to be critical! Suckage or Rockage? Oh, and happy Labor Day people!
Chapter title from "Meltdown" by Ash.
Responses: Audrey – You need to update again! I'm dying here! Ha! Thanks for the kudos, much love!
Butterfly Dancing – I'm humbled by your review! Thank you very much. I figured it was Joan's turn to you know, kick some boo-tay. I let Luke's paranoia feed into his reaction. Lol sorry, sorry, but Grace had to have a showdown, it was way over due! I'm not sure about the gun resurfacing yet. Well not that specific gun but, a gun. Lol, if in this story I make anything happen to the kids, know that I will be full on bawling as I type it. Thanks again, much love!
Jane and Adam – Haha, you were supposed to be worried! Just because Joan was okay in this chapter doesn't mean she's in the clear though! Ryan is evil…I felt dirty writing him he's so evil lol. Thanks for the kudos, much love!
Carol – Thank you for the humbling review! Dom will be making future appearances soon. Lol, that's an interpretation I didn't even think of, Anneliese stabbing Grace lol. I'm glad it gave you a thrill though! Yeah Tennessee…one day I'll go to Memphis and Nashville…sigh. Okay I won't tell you if anyone dies. I wasn't going to tell you who, just yes or no! Lol, thanks again, much love!
Michelle – I have missed you! Thank you so much for taking the time to e-mail me about reviewing! I was touched! I'm sincerely sorry to hear about your grandmother. Where are you from and where's the Leukemia walk? If you e-mail me info, I'll donate! I hope your friends and family who were affected by Katrina are okay. A couple of my college friends' family and friends were affected too. I'm glad you didn't desert. I understand about not reviewing. Take your time getting back to us! Let me know about that info! Much love!
Hezziebob182 – Thank you very much for the awesome kudos. I'm glad it didn't suck and it rocked! I'm humbled by the fact that you think this is unfreakingbelievably fantastic! Much love time 10, yo!
Magentabear – Dude, okay first of all your update was phenomenal! Ahem…thanks for the kudos. Haha, I'm sorry your uncle called right in the middle of the bathroom scene! That must have been traumatizing! Thanks again, much love (update again soon!)
Sayxanything – Thanks for the stellar kudos, yo. It really humbles me to know when people just can't stop reading a chapter once they start. So something is up with Luke, I know it's probably not what people were expecting. Dom's going to reappear soon. Prolly the next chapter. Liese is…well, I can't say good or bad. You'll see. P.S. – did my reviews for your story go through this time? Much love!
Sam – Helllooooo! Thanks, I'm glad you don't hate it! I apologize for slowing your homework down, ha! Oh my God, the hammock scene was so much fun writing. I was swooning and I was the one writing it. Of course, that's actually because it's based semi on actual events…but…ahem. Thanks again! Much love!
Kool-Wolf – Dude! I know it had more Ryan in it, I though you'd like that! I know his name is Stephen because I saw it on the JoA e-bay auction on the Bat Mitzvah invitations. Ah, but you TYPED shut up, you didn't say it, which would imply stop typing my foe. Not sure about another story. Might hang in the towel after this one. I haven't decided yet. Hate your guts back, violence to you! P.S. – I live in Philly, Pa. A couple of my friends from college are from New Orleans. Their families are/were in or around N.O. during Katrina. (Sure, I bet you are a stalker…)
Tiffany – Nice ending dude. Waiting for the turmoil in the next on, yo! Thanks for the kudos as always, much love! E-mail me!
SecretJoAFan/LBMW – Show your JoA fanness with pride! Ha! Thanks for the review and the love! Sorry for taking so long to update! Hope you liked this chapter. Much love!
Coveredinrain16 – I left you speechless! Whoa! Thanks for the kudos! Lol, I like your change of heart for Collier. He's dealing with rough stuff. I'm humbled by your kind words, thank you. I heard about the petition and I sent in my e-mail. I'm unworthy to have my stories held up to the writing of JoA, honestly, but grateful you hold it in such high regard! Where are you a freshman at? Good luck with the honors classes! Yes, CBG was the one who got Collier. I'm glad I keep you addicted! I'm clinging to the fanfic myself for continuing this show. Much love back! P.S. – You hit the nail on the head my friend, that's definitely what they're all about!
A/N : Thanks again to the loyals, I love ya! All of you should check out and reviews each other's stories because all of them rock! I try to get to and read and review all of them as best I can! Good work everyone! If there are any of your stories you want me to read in particular that I haven't yet let me know in your review! Much love (violence to KW)!