Disclaimer: I don't own anything relating to the books of J.K. Rowling, and I don't suppose I ever will.
- A Writer's Invention -
So this is what it feels like.
I read enough books to know that it exists, this fluttering in your stomach. But it always sounded like an invented feeling to me. I never imagined that you really do feel butterflies haunting your body when you're in love.
And that's just the beginning.
Then there's the need to see or talk with him, I thought that that was something invented by writers and hopeless romantics as well...
Or perhaps I am one of those hopeless romantics now.
It changes everything. It makes you feel so different...not good enough...You want to be perfect and try to be that perfect person all the time. It never really occurs to you that, if he loves you too, he would already be paying attention to you because he likes you the way you are.
If he already loves you, then you don't need to change. And if you do need to change then he's not the one you want to be in love with.
But it's not that easy, is it. It never is. Why would it be, if there was a more difficult path to take.
Once you realise that there's someone who's attention you want, then all of a sudden you are another person. You change involuntarily.
But the biggest problem of all is that I fell in love with someone I have known for a very long time. For years and years. And the thought of loving someone who is as close to you as a brother isn't really appealing, is it.
...Think about that...
In love with someone that could be your brother.
Not that the age difference is so big...it's nearly non-existant. But there still is a difference that will never go away. Not that he's older, because I'm the older one out of the two of us...but the difference is that I have somehow always trusted him and with that trust he gained a few years in my mind. Strange, I know. I don't fully understand it myself.
It feels strange to realise that, someone who knows pretty much everything about you, is suddenly more to you than just a friend. More than just a brother.
Calling him an 'object of desire' would be going way too far. I love him, yes. But somehow the words 'object' and 'desire' sound so rediculous that they make even me laugh.
Some people may wonder what I see in him. I heard the questions only too often. To be honest, I can't answer that question myself.
If I said it's beacuse he was always there for me during the hard times I would be lying. We have had a lot of arguements in our past and mostly it took others to force us to make up and forget what we were fighting about.
And if I would say it's beacuse we've been through so many adventures together I'd be lying as well. I've been through the same with Harry, so why not fall in love with him? Because he's like a brother to me?
That just brings me back to where I started, doesn't it. Because I love them both as brothers. No, I used to love them both as brothers. That I came to see one of them in a different light has nothing to do with what the three of us have been through.
So what did change...?
Well...perhaps it was that I finally noticed how he started to act different towards me. He was jealous during the Yule ball, that was obvious enough. He disaproved of me having close contact with any boy other than him and Harry and...he really seemed to try to be nice to me. Even if it did come out a bit weird.
But now I'm not too sure anymore.
I'm sure enough of what I feel...but I can no longer read him like I used to be able to. He's become less obvious to me, somehow.
And he's acting so stupid too. As if it's my fault that everything goes wrong, or that it's my fault that the three of us fight more often every week.
I'm afraid we're drifting apart. I can see it happening. I feel the ground slip away from under my feet and I can't do anything to prevent it.
And I'm losing him in a way I never thought I would. I'm losing him to another girl.
What happened that suddenly the people, who could never understand why I hung out with him, try to catch his attention? What happened that he suddenly became so popular, that he went from being Harry Potter's best friend to the eligable bachelor all of a sudden.
And what happened that made him interested in that kind of people.
He used to hate them. Now he uses them. He uses her. He uses a girl I never thought would be interested in him. As a matter of fact I never thought he'd be interested in her either.
But I can't do anything to stop it.
I tried to make things clear to him. I tried to show him what he meant to me. I can't understand that he was too dense to see.
And now he is hurting me.
Whenever I run into him now, she is always with him. It seems like the only way for him to breathe is through her mouth and lungs.
And it hurts me even more because he was like that brother to me.
I never had myself down for a hopeless romantic, I said that before. But I didn't see me as a heartbroken wreck either.
All I can do is watch and enjoy the little vengeance I can get. Using my brain to hurt him back is the only thing I can think of doing to let him know how I feel. So yes, I sent those birds to his head. So yes I make snappy comments and snort every time she uses her pet name for him.
It keeps me sarcastic and I found that sarcasm is a good way to mask your true feelings.
I sound like a character from a drama novel. A girl who is ready to fling herself off a cliff for her unanswered love.
I sound like a writer's invention.
Well if that's the case then so be it. I'd rather sound my feelings at the risk of coming across like that than not giving my feelings shape and suffer from keeping them silent.
Can you understand what I'm going through? Can you understand what it feels like to have so many thoughts and emotions about just one person running around in your head, taking up every single moment of free thought you have?
To not only be in love with someone who has been like a brother to you...but also to be in love who is no longer available. Someone who has been taken by someone else.
Do you know what that feels like? Can you even begin to fathom the tiredness and the complexity of it? It consumes every fiber of you and it's not one of the most blissful things to have going on inside your mind.
But there is nothing I can do.
If he has chosen her above me, if he has chosen her to focus his attentions on, then there is very little I can say or do to make him change his mind without giving myself away too much.
Because at the moment I have no intention of letting him know how I feel. If he really wants to know what's wrong with me, then he will have to find out himself. And he'll find out by himself in due time... He'll find out soon enough if his feelings are similar to mine.
But for now...I'll stay silent. I'll let him use and be used. I think I'd rather feel this pain then openly tell him what goes on in my mind ever single moment. I'd be...too embarrassed.
No...I think I'll let him come to me...because I don't want to risk more than I already am. If he comes to me, then I know that I won't have to be embarrassed about anything. If he doesn't, then I'll know it's not for me to open my mouth.
Is it safe to rely on something like fate? Perhaps, perhaps not. But I do believe that things run their course if you let them.
I will let Ron run his course. And only time can tell where it will end.
The End