Playing (and Working) Rough
Early one Saturday in June, nine-year-old Stephanie Tanner came down the back stairs to the kitchen. Her Aunt Becky and fourteen-year-old sister D.J. were talking at the table. "Well, we had the talk…sort of," Stephanie said, a little stunned.
"Cool, how did it go?" D.J. explained to Becky, "Dad said he was going to talk with Steph about the birds and the bees."
"How far did he get?" Becky inquired. Danny Tanner was very protective and hated to see his girls grow up. He could get very tongue-tied even on a normal day..
Stephanie sat and explained. "Well, first he talked about birds. Then, he talked about bees. Then, he said he had to get ready to take stuff to the cleaners."
"Mom had to help whenever he'd try to talk with me about the facts of life, too," D.J. recalled. Their mom, Pam, had died in an accident four years earlier. Their Uncle Jesse - now married to Becky - and dad's best friend Joey had moved in to help raise them and four-year-old Michelle, in the living room watching cartoons. "But, at least you know something."
"Are you kidding? Dad started to talk about that, but then started talking about scientific classifications and never went back," Stephanie explained as Danny came into the kitchen.
"And, that was a very important detour. You never know when you'll need to know what genus a bluebird comes from," Danny said, shifting the clothes for the cleaners to the other arm. "As for the rest of it, we'll pick it up in about, oh, ten years."
"Tell you what, Joey's on the phone with his agent, and Jesse's packing for our trip. Since I'm all done, if it's okay with you, Danny, how about I take them to the mall, and D.J. and I can talk with Steph and answer any questions. We'll bring lunch home, then." Danny and Becky hosted a morning talk show, but Becky had taken time off to go with Jesse and his band for most of his two month tour of county fairs.
"Oh, thanks. You don't know how relieved I am; not that I don't want to be involved in my daughters' lives, but, well, when it comes to this sort of thing…"
D.J. rose and lovingly patted his arm as Joey entered. "Dad, we know. You not only couldn't bring yourself to put Michelle in timeout or take any privileges away till she was almost four, you couldn't bring yourself to tell her the other night when she asked that when we eat chicken, it really is a chicken we're eating."
"Yeah, but she didn't believe it at first," Joey said. "Ours didn't have a beak."
"I'm glad you told her, Deej; and I appreciated how you helped me discuss meat products then. But, for all I knew, it could have scarred her for life. She might not have wanted to eat again." He chuckled at the comment. "Okay, I'm a little too protective sometimes." He hugged and kissed the girls goodbye.
"We'll even take the dry cleaning for you, since you don't need that excuse anymore," Stephanie offered as they walked out the door.
"No thanks, you know me and cleaning. Even being in a dry cleaners gives me goose bumps." He'd even gone out with a lady from there before it fizzled.
He went into the living room to say goodbye to Michelle, with Joey following. "Bad news?" Danny guessed from Joey's tone a moment ago.
"I'll say. He almost caught the Road Runner. That would be awful," Michelle spouted.
"Not that, Michelle, on the phone." Joey turned to Danny. "You know how they pushed 'Surf's Up' back because of the dispute with the animators?" Surf's Up was to be a new show where Joey would do the voice of a surfing kangaroo. "Well, Frankie and Annette both made other commitments now, so they decided not to do the show at all."
"Aw, too bad." Danny patted him on the back. "You'll make it big next time."
"Yeah. Keep trying, Joey. Just like the coyote," Michelle encouraged him.
Joey said, "I don't think I'm going anywhere near Acme Products, though; they're always blowing up. But, I had a backup plan. I'd already gotten a handshake deal for Jesse and I to advertise Mike's meats - it's a local wholesale meat place."
"Daddy, what animal does wholesale come from?"
"One that doesn't make it to market for a price increase." He turned back to Joey. "That's nice you'll try again, but you don't have to do it for me. I knew it'd be a risk investing with you starting out on your own. With Mom divorcing when I little, the way my dad always sent me money, then my stepdad passing a couple years ago up in Seattle, before she moved back here, it didn't set me back too far financially."
Joey smiled thankfully. "Well, just think of this as a gesture of friendship, then. Besides, there should be more to life than just watching cartoons all day."
"Yes, there is. You can watch Sesame Street, too," Michelle spouted as she turned off the TV. "He'll never catch the Roadrunner," she said, frustrated.
"Michelle, just a minute ago you were saying his almost catching him was bad news."
She held out her hands. "I'm a girl. I'm supposed to change my mind." Danny laughed as he picked her up and embraced her. "Let's play house." He told Michelle to play with Joey while he took the things to the cleaners. Michelle was going through a typical bossy phase that some - especially girls, it seemed - got right before or during their Kindergarten years. He loved watching his children grow up.
Joey went up to the attic a short time later, telling Jesse about "Surf's Up" being cancelled and his plans. Jesse was stunned. "I just got finished packing, Joey. My band and I still have to rehearse some before Becky and I fly out on the road with them Monday."
"Relax, Jess, it's just a little radio spot, you don't have to do too much. Besides, look how simple it was when that old lady kept hollering 'Where's the beef?'" Joey had finished by impersonating her.
Michelle piped up, "I know, I know. In a cow!"
Jesse sighed. "I don't know, man. I'd put that part of my life behind me. I want to do something different."
"Play house with Joey and me," Michelle suggested.
"That's not different. We did that yesterday," Jesse noted.
"Yesterday we played school," Michelle reminded him.
"Yeah, and you still kept makin' me sit in the corner."
"Daddy says you were always in the principal's office." To her, that was what happened in the principal's office - if behavior got too bad the parents were called right away.
Jesse ignored the comment. "Look, Joey, I'll do this one with you, then let's just call it quits, okay? You'll get a job somewhere, man." He patted him on the shoulder.
"I'll be Daddy. You be the kids."
Jesse knelt and lovingly instructed, "Okay, Daddy, Joey and I have to do something for school, so why don't you just go to work." She said "okay" and ran off.
Jesse and Joey checked in Michelle's bedroom after discussing the contract; she was playing with her tape recorder, as if she was Danny hosting his talk show.
She suddenly noticed them. "Aren't you playing anymore, Joey?"
"What play? We're working," Jesse said as Joey retrieved his script idea from his room.
"Joey isn't working. He's playing a kid."
"That's not playing, that's real life," Jesse cracked, referring to Joey's at times childish nature, such as his love for cartoons.
Joey walked up to Jesse and handed him a paper. "Okay, here it is, Jess."
"What? This is bunch of scribbles with some stuff on the..atchoo!" Jesse sneezed several more times.
"Ha, ha, gotcha. That was my sneezing powder. Here's the real one." Joey squeezed Jesse's hand while handing him the paper along with holding an electronic buzzer that went off and jolted Jesse slightly.
""Cut that out," Jesse said, giving Joey a little pop on the head, just as he had when that cleaning woman's son, Rusty, pulled a bunch of jokes, and Jese thought it had been Joey.
"Now, boys, settle down," Michelle corrected, shaking a finger at them. "Tell your brother you're sorry," Michelle commanded.
"I…" He sighed. "Okay, Joey, I'm sorry. Now, be a good role model for the kid and tell her you're sorry for that sneezing powder and hand buzzer."
"Okay, I'm sorry." As Jesse stepped away to leave, he squirted Jesse with a squirting flower in his lapel. Then, Jesse stepped on a whoopee cushion. Joey laughed hard, till Jesse hit him again.
"That's it, go to your room!" Michelle scolded. When Jesse stomped away, Michelle followed. "You better go to your room." She thought he should go up to the attic.
"I'm playing my room's down in the basement; and Joey can let me know if he ever wants to do something serious!"
Joey realized he hadn't been treating Jesse very nicely, and quickly went downstairs after him. "Hey, Jess, I'm sorry. I guess I just went a little overboard so I wouldn't think about losing the show," he said contritely, extending a hand.
"Well…okay." Jesse wasn't sure he wanted to shake Joey's hand, but he did. "Hey, normal grip and everything."
"Yeah. I just figured the TV show was gonna be my big break."
"Especially since the band and I get to tour these county fairs for a couple months. Bet you were probably a little jealous, huh?" he said with a prideful grin. Jesse didn't like to admit his own faults, but after a series of problems between the two in their advertising days, he could generally sense and accept when Joey was truly sorry.
Joey didn't know if "jealous" was the right word, but he decided to go along. After all, Jesse had it tough looking for work, too, at times. So, jealousy was how Jesse likely understood it. "Yeah, maybe a little. So, are you ready to do the real script I wrote?"
"Sure, lay it on me."
After they tried to get the right musical mood for a couple minutes, Michelle came down to the basement. "You said you'd be in your room."
"I am. The pretend me is in my pretend room feeling very badly about what the pretend me did, and the real me is working."
Michelle wasn't buying it; the real Jesse had hit Joey. "You have to sit in the corner instead." She pushed a small chair against a wall and grabbed Jesse's hand.
"Michelle, come on, I gotta work here. We talked before about what Joey and I do, it's just for fun."
"When Aaron does it he sits in the corner," Michelle insisted. Aaron Bailey was a preschool classmate whom she'd seen the previous week at day camp.
Jesse sat and cuddled Michelle on his lap. "Aaron's the same kid who thought your Uncle Jesse didn't know any cool songs. Now, you know he's wrong about that, right?" She nodded. "So, don't go basing everything around Aaron, okay?"
"But, you have to play by the rules. And, you hit Joey," she explained.
Jesse pleaded for Joey to help. Joey merely said, "It's quite interesting just watching. She's developing a story in her mind, with the beginning being that her kids were naughty, then that one has to go to timeout because he was more naughty. She's actually learned very well from when she tried pinching Aaron back that one time."
"Yes I do. Uncle Jesse was a jerk," Michelle spouted.
"I…" He didn't know what to say. After all, he had called himself a big jerk for saying it was okay to pinch, and for being so rough when he was a kid. "Okay, I was, now I need to get up and work," he remarked. "Joey and I have a commercial to write." He started to work on the sound system once more.
"Okay, but you better sit in the corner when I tell you." She marched upstairs.
"All right, Joey, let's try this." They listened a moment. "Okay, hurry up and read, the band and I have to rehearse in a little bit."
"Mike's Meats, makers of quality polk and poultry…I said polk, instead of pork again."
"Yeah, try it again." He did, and made the same blooper. "No, do it without the blooper…let me try it. Mike's meeks…" Jesse flopped the papers down on the table. "Are you trying to jinx me with all these tongue twisters?" he asked accusingly.
"No, I just thought we could attract people with alliteration," Joey said as Michelle came back down again.
"It's not polite to litter," Michelle scolded. "You wouldn't listen to the daddy. So, now I'm the big sister."
"Oh, now you're D.J., huh?" He knew Michelle still saw her as sort of the real boss, since D.J. was tougher than Danny, and had been the only one to "punish" Michelle till Michelle was almost four; she had also made sure Michelle obeyed Danny now, especially during the transition to Danny being the boss.
Michelle marched up to Jesse. "That's right. You're doing my chores 'cause you were naughty. You need to sit in the corner when Daddy tells you!"
"Okay, wait a second. You're the daddy, right?" She was. "And you're also the big sister, right?" True again. "So, if you're the daddy, and you're the big sister, you can also be the little kid you're yellin' at. Which means you can go upstairs, and play house, and be every family member all by yourself." Jesse took Michelle's hand and walked her upstairs. Danny came in the kitchen door then, so he told him what Michelle was doing.
Danny smiled. "You've kept your Uncle Jesse and Joey busy, huh? Okay, now Daddy has time to play with you." She beamed excitedly. "I saw Rusty; he's a lot nicer; he was really good on my ball team, too. He doesn't pull pranks near like he did."
"Good. Because Joey's the king of jokes in this house!"
Meanwhile, back in the basement, Jesse and Joey were fumbling the many tongue twisters Joey had put into the ad. "Mike's meats, makers of quarty pork and portry… I'm overcompensating again," Joey complained after a long while. "Take 172!"
"Serves you right." They'd been trying to do the ad for almost two hours. "Only you would have Peter Piper picking a peck of pippled peppers before going to Mipe's meaps for polp and…aw, forget it!"
"Hey, I have an idea. Since cartoons are often symbolic of real life…"
"What is the real life equivalent of the roadrunner?"
"I'll have to think about that one. Anyway, the least likely person to do something often does it. So, let's get Michelle."
"I don't think we need Michelle. I've got a better idea. Hide the script." He went upstairs to fetch Danny.
Danny came down carrying a doll. "Could you hold this doll, Jess, I'm supposed to be babysitting her for Michelle." Jesse gave him a look. "Okay, I'll just sit her on the counter, instead. What was it you wanted?"
"You have never seen or heard us doing this script before, right?" Jesse asked.
"No, I haven't."
"So you have no idea how many takes we've done?"
"No, Jess, but something tells me you haven't been watching cartoons all morning."
"Look, just start reading when I turn the mike on and turn this paper over," he instructed.
Danny sat and began to talk. "Mike's meats, makers of quality polk…wait, he was a President. Pork and portry for over thoity years. Thoity…how did I get a Brooklyn accent?" Danny asked with a goofy grin as the others rolled their eyes.
"Joey, I told you, you put too many tongue twisters in there."
Joey waited as the girls announced they were back with sandwiches for lunch. "Hey, nobody's even gotten to the Peter Piper part," he pointed out.
"That's 'cause we can't even say pork and poultry," Jesse complained.
"Well, you just said it," Joey reminded him, slightly loudly.
"Hey, you're right, maybe the jinx is broken." He abruptly sat, rewound the tape, and began speaking. "Mike's meats, makers of quality polk and… This is ridiculous." He threw the papers onto the counter, knocking the doll off just as Michelle came downstairs to announce lunch was ready. Becky followed.
"Hey, don't knock her down. You go sit in the corner."
Becky could tell her husband was frustrated. "Michelle, it's time for lunch. You can play after lunch."
"Okay, but he better obey the rules."
"I'm not playing after lunch. I'm going over with the band to rehearse."
"Okay, then I'll be D.J. instead." Michelle pointed to a chair. "You better sit there."
Joey tried to break the tension by being funny. He pretended to spit while saying the "p" sounds as he spoke. "Yeah, a better punishment would be to make him say 'Peter Piper picked up some pork and poultry."
"Well, I'm not sitting in any corner," Jesse emphasized, staring at Joey. "I don't have to listen to any rules when it comes to putting up with a living cartoon character."
"You better learn to be good," she said. To the shock of everyone, Michelle gave Jesse a couple small slaps on the bottom. It hadn't hurt; Jesse barely felt it, in fact.
"Michelle, you know better than that," Danny scolded, pulling her aside and looking her in the eye. "You know we've never hit in this house!"
"I was just playing like Uncle Jesse does with Joey."
"Well, you have been told not to do that, and you are expected to follow the rules. Go to your room, then after I come and get you we can eat."
Michelle knew to listen, and that she hadn't been very nice. She was just too caught up in playing. "Yes, Daddy. I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse," she said sincerely before leaving.
Jesse didn't respond. After she left, he said, "I can't believe it. Joey says she was inventing a story in her mind, but the end wasn't supposed to my end."
"I think she was taking after you again. Not that she should have copied you, but don't you think you needed to explain what you were doing, or better yet, not roughhouse yourself?" Danny said somewhat forcefully.
"I told Joey I was sorry." He thought for a minute. "Well, okay, the first time. And, I guess I did say just now I didn't have to obey the rules when it came to him."
"I know we talked about this before, and you could never hit any of the girls." Jesse agreed, he could never do that. He never even fought smaller kids when he was little and fighting so much. "But, even though you tell her you're just playing, that's still going to give her ideas. She's learned that it's only when you're playing. But, if you're going to play like that once or twice, you need to at least make sure it's not in front of her." He also suggested that Joey could avoid egging Jesse on and still break the tension.
"Yeah. I guess we just make such a good team, I don't know when to stop. I feel like we're on stage doing comedy. Sorry, Jess."
Jesse agreed. "I guess I get a little carried away, too."
Becky had an idea. "You know, Jess, I think she needs to understand you're trying hard not to; then she'll try hard not to, too."
"Yeah, I guess. Sometimes I just think it'll be hard to explain 'cause she gets timeouts and I don't so…hey, wait. That gives me an idea. When you let her out of timeout, tell her to come up to my room so we can talk."
Once Michelle was let out, she went up to talk to Uncle Jesse. She was kind of surprised when Danny said he was in his room - she didn't think adults got sent to their room. "Did Daddy punish you, too?" she asked, stunned.
Jesse sat against his bed, and held Michelle in his lap. "No, I punished myself. Remember how I said I was a jerk to hit? Well, I was one just playin' around, too. I was wrong to say I don't have to obey the rules. Sorry I was a jerk with Joey. Wow, the way we were goin' with those tongue twisters I didn't know if I'd say that or 'a joke with Jery.'"
She looked downcast. "Was I a jerk, too, Uncle Jesse?" she asked very sadly.
"Well, you were just tryin' to copy me. Too well, in fact. You probably just couldn't reach my head. Where'd you get the idea you could do that?"
"Aaron hits kids on the playground sometimes." Jesse nodded. "And D.J. says you guys won't, but she would if she had to. If I was bad enough." D.J. hadn't ever threatened it, but had mentioned it when Michelle was still somewhat out of control, since Danny had started to punish so late himself. It might not have had to be mentioned, but D.J. had wanted to make sure Michelle didn't get much more defiant. And, as she'd hoped, it was scary enough only the mention was needed. Ironically, while Michelle didn't know D.J. would be very gentle, she had done just what D.J. would have, only enough to hurt the feelings.
"Scary thought, huh?" She nodded. "It's scary for me, too. Sometimes the principal had to get really tough, I fought so much. And, that wasn't any fun."
"Daddy says the principal would just call him."
"Well, they probably would now, even next year in school - or at least if a parent asks 'em to. But, my point is, I shouldn't be doin' that to Joey, even playing around. 'Cause even if he doesn't mind it, it's still not right. Just like with the pinching." Jesse asked if D.J. had mentioned it recently.
"No. When I get sent to timeout, I listen."
"Well, that's good, keep listening. And, I promise, I won't play around with Joey like that. 'Cause there won't be any hitting in this house."
"What if D.J. says she will?" Michelle wasn't quite sure if that meant D.J. could or not.
Jesse thought a moment.
"Well, munchkin, some parents do it as a last resort." He didn't want to mention some did it more often - he was still rather protective, though nothing like Danny in that area. "Thing is, they shouldn't do it just 'cause they're annoyed like I was playing around with Joey. That's bein' a jerk. But, there's some who would do it if nothing else worked. I could never do that, and neither could your dad or Joey or Aunt Becky. But, maybe D.J. would.
"So, if she does mention it again, you let me know, so we can all sit down and talk about how we can avoid having that happen, okay? And, if you want to let me know by playin' around like that just once, I guess that's fine." Michelle would never hit again, nor come close to getting it. However, when Danny's sister's monkey was smacking Jesse once as he tried to sleep, he thought it was Michelle at one point, since she had been quite naughty and defiant soon before that. So, he'd asked "was Uncle Jesse a bad boy." The phase would end a week or so after that, when Danny sent her to her room and grounded her with no TV after she came down; she decided to run away after that and ended up in her room much longer because of it.
"Okay." Michelle leaned against him. "I don't wanna be a jerk like you. I'll have to punish myself like you did."
"You're right, you would." They went down to the kitchen. "Okay, it's all settled. Michelle figures I sent myself to timeout, too."
"Great. Hey, Jess, you know that ad?" Joey began.
"Not that again."
"Actually, we had a funny idea on how to rework the script so we all said something," D.J. explained. "Come on, it'll only take a minute after lunch." Jesse finally agreed.
Years later, Michelle was playing with D.J.'s four-year-old, Pammy, named after their late mother, Pam. The girl had spent the night with Grandpa and Aunt Michelle while D.J. and her husband spent time with Pammy's baby brother. Pammy insisted on playing house, partly because she enjoyed it, partly because she was in the same extra bossy stage.
Michelle had often copied Jesse's somewhat rude and bossy attitude as a youth, but by her teenage years had become very nice, as D.J. had worked quite a bit with her. Michelle loved working with little kids now, and longed to be a mom herself someday.
Still, playing house for a couple straight hours in the evening and in the morning was tiring - especially when Pammy kept sitting her in the corner. Then again, Pammy had been giving D.J. some attitude problems, so Michelle enjoyed hamming it up to bug her a little, and show her what her mom felt like at times.
"You're acting just like I did sometimes," Michelle related as she picked the girl up and carried her down into the living room, knowing D.J. would be arriving soon.
"You still do."
Michelle laughed. "You know I don't. I just did today so you could understand your mom will always love you. But, it drives her nuts when you're too bossy, and won't obey her rules." Pammy hung her head. "You need to act better, don't you?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm just glad you didn't try to hit me, I was making you nuts, wasn't I?"
Pammy looked a little concerned. "Would Mommy do that?"
"It'd make her really sad. But, if she had to, she would. She'd talk with you about it first, just like she did to me. And, she never did it to me." Michelle supposed she hadn't had to scare Pammy like that; she wasn't bad enough to need spanked and never would be. But, Michelle still was very blunt, even if she had lost her childhood rudeness and bossiness. "She'd be really gentle, though; she'd know it would hurt your feelings a lot. That's all she'd do." Unlike Michelle, Pammy was more under control, and could be told this, since D.J. had been so proactive with her.
After they cuddled for a moment, Michelle suggested, "Why don't we watch some home movies till your mom gets here."
"Tell me about when everyone lived here, Aunt Michelle."
"Okay. There were lots of people here, all right. And, we always liked to help each other." She pulled out a video. "You know, we even did a commercial together once. Your grandpa made a video - we did it real fast so Uncle Jesse could do something with his band afterward."
The tape played as Danny opened the door for D.J. and Stephanie, the latter of whom had stopped by to visit, knowing D.J. would be bringing the baby. Danny stood behind as the three sisters sat and watched on the couch with D.J.'s two young children.
"We just can't say polk…make that pork and poultry," Joey said on the tape.
"And don't get us started on Peter Piper and his pickled peppers," Jesse complained.
D.J. added, "Mike was patient when we called Mike Meek…"
"And said Meek's Mikes throughout the week," Stephanie said poetically.
"So if Peter Piper ever went to Mike Meats…"
"He'd be too tongue tied to eat," Michelle finished for Danny.
"But don't worry, when you come to Mike's meats, you won't be forced to say tongue twisters," Jesse promised.
"You'll just get pork and poultry that's been the same good quality for thirty years," Becky said.
Joey pretended to fumble by saying, "Just ask 'Meat's…I mean Mike's friend, Peter Pepper…Pepper Piper…Peeper Peep…"
"Come to Mike's; and don't worry, no tongue twisters. Just good meat," Jesse finished.
Pammy had climbed into D.J.'s lap; the two were hugging. "I'm sorry I've been so bad. Michelle said I drove you nuts," the little girl said mournfully.
"Well, she's right, in a way. I will always love you, though, no matter what." D.J. smiled. "You know, those talks you have with Pammy are just like Uncle Jesse used to have with you."
"Yeah. I'm glad I still take after the good parts of him. I hope when I have kids, I can be just like you, too."
Stephanie chuckled. "She probably figures you will be - she told me she knew your hamming it up would help Pammy understand what she feels like."
"Really?" Michelle smiled at D.J., proud to be able to help so much. "I guess you think I do a pretty good job with her, huh?"
"Sure. You're tender, loving, very honest, and you really try hard to help her. The guy you wind up with is going to be so lucky. And, so are your kids."
Michelle smiled proudly. "Except, instead of chores like you did with me, I think as a last resort, after seeing that ad, the best thing will be to make them say tongue twisters," she said, as the girls joined in laughing about the memory.