Chapter 16 – Brolli's Diary

The excavation team carefully chipped away at the mountainside, revealing the text written in a bold flowing script across the mountainside. There was lots of it, and anybody there could easily decipher the fact that it was a diary carved into the side of a mountain. It was surreal, and the vast majority of people on the project thought it was a hoax perpetrated by some eccentric billionaire with nothing better to do. Almost immediately, all eyes had focused on Hercule, thinking it some sort of publicity stunt.

But for once, he had nothing to say on the matter.

Bulma, Mirai, Vegeta and Goku flew out to the project site to take a look at it themselves, and began to wish that they hadn't. It was obvious that Brolli had written this diary, and that he had been trapped millions of years in the past. A quick word with one of the science team revealed that this particular strata that the diary was written on was in the region of sixty-five millions years old. As soon as Bulma heard the numbers, she had a pretty bad feeling.

Brolli looked up at the large, flat rock face and decided something. He had been stuck in this place for a whole day now, and he was bored, so he floated up a meter to a flat piece of rock face and pressed his finger into the stone up to the first knuckle. Thus, his diary was formed. Over the months, the entries filled most of the mountain's surface. The following are a selection of his entries.

Day 1. Arrived in a jungle. It was quite hot and wet. I began to explore, but found only trees. Some of the flowers are quite pretty. One of them bit me. I ate it. Found this mountain, decided to keep a diary.

Day 2. Explored some more. Found a big lizard thing. It reminded me of Frieza, so I thumped it. I got hungry, so I ate it. It tasted like chicken.

Day 3. Did some more exploring, getting sick of trees. Found another big Frieza thing. Hit that one too, and ate it.

Day 10. Getting tired of trees and big lizards. Tried experimenting with some of the other stuff. Saw some of the other big lizards eating trees. Didn't taste very nice, so I ate the big lizards instead.

Day 12. Got chased by a group of small lizards. They bit me in unpleasant places. I don't like this place anymore.

Day 14. I flew away in search of home. Found lots of other interesting places and saw many large lizards. I ate those and ran away from the small ones that chase me. Eventually came back here again.

Day 20. It got cold, so I set a tree on fire. Accidentally set the rest of the jungle on fire. If anybody finds out, they're going to be pretty angry.

Day 25. Went off in search of home again. Got lost a few times. Couldn't find home and got lost a few more times coming back here. The jungle is still on fire but at least it's warm.

Day 26. Found some strange mushrooms that survived the fire. I'm going to eat some with big lizard for my supper.

Day 30. Haven't updated my diary for a while, because I thought I was a large floating bat with spoons instead of fingers. Hungry now, and there aren't any big lizards near-by. Think I'll have to eat those mushrooms again.

Day 37. Those mushrooms are fucking weird.

Day 51. Given up eating the mushrooms after I got scared that my head would explode if I said the letter "b". Having to go quite far to find any big lizards.

Day 56. Made myself a rudimentary shelter out of big lizard skins stretched over big lizard bones. I call it my big lizard palace. It smells of shit though.

Day 61. Two big lizards's had a fight, and they destroyed my home. So I ate them.

Day 63. Bored. Found some mud and drew a picture of Kakarot being tortured by small furry animals with needles. Ah such sweet irony…

Day 64. Diverted a large meteorite that was heading towards the Earth's surface.

Day 65. Spent the day reflecting on life.

Day 66. Spent today reflecting on life too. Came to the conclusion "fuck it"

Day 70. After much thinking upon the nuances of life, and deciding that life is a great illusion to cover the disappointment that is reality, I have decided to eat some more of these mushrooms. Besides, they taste kinda nice with roasted big lizard.

There was a big gap in the entries at this point, and Bulma noticed that a large blemish and what appeared to be glass punctuated the mountain here. She asked one of the experts about this.

"Well, this layer of the strata is mostly sandstone… so whatever has caused this… mark was so powerful that it melted the sand in the stone, burned off all the impurities, and turned it into glass. Mud has compacted over time and distorted the mark, but I believe at one point it was a crater. Maybe from a meteorite, however there aren't many records of a meteor burning up so fiercely when it hits the ground that it leaves a glass-lined crater…"

Bulma nodded, and thanked the geologist, before divulging all this to the other three.

"So… what does this mean?" Goku asked. Vegeta grunted in an "I couldn't care less." Sort of way. Mirai looked and Bulma and nodded.

"I think… this means that Brolli blasted a hole into the mountain side."

Bulma nodded. "That's what I think, too. I'm going to keep reading, see if there's anything more in this diary." She turned back to the mountainside and started reading again.

Day 110. I can't take the solitude any more. Even Mister Lizard Corpse has stopped being good company. And he's starting to smell now.

Day 115. Tragedy! LC lost his head! Literally. I dropped him, and his head rolled away somewhere. I couldn't find it!

Day 116. I buried Mister Lizard Corpse this morning. It was a small, solemn rite. I mumbled a small prayer and blasted the remains. It is what he would have wanted.

Day 117. Living without LC is a burden that I cannot live with any longer. I have decided to take my own life. Goodbye cruel world. I hope that my diary is found so that my companions may read what happened in my final days, and that Kakarot may know that I still think he's a mouth-breathing fucktard. Goo… (The glassy blemish in the mountain face wipes out the rest of the passage).

"He killed himself!" Vegeta cried with shock. "But… but…"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Wailed Goku, bursting into tears.

"… Get off've me, you beebling inbred piece of trash!" Vegeta shrieked, pushing Goku's head from his shoulder.

"He's dead, he's dead!" Goku kept wailing.

"But… he can't be dead…" Mirai said.

"Of course he can. Look. Big crater," Vegeta said slowly. "Brolli go bye-bye!"

"Yeah but…"

"Do you want me to spell it out for you, you dolt?"

"No, but…"

"Shut up!"

"DAD!"

"WHAT!"

"THERE'S MORE ENTRIES!"

"DON'T YOU SHOUT A- what!" Vegeta looked at the mountain, and sure enough, under the scar on the mountainside, were other journal entries. They started with:

Day unknown. Came back to life; forgot I was the Legendary Super Saiyan. Shit.

"Well… I'll be a monkey's uncle…" Goku said.

"Kakarot, I've told you before, don't use that phrase," Vegeta said, through gritted teeth.

"What, a monkey's uncle?" Goku asked.

"Yes, Kakarot."

"What wrong with a monkey's uncle?"

"Shut up!"

"C'mon, even monkey's have got to have uncles…"

"Shutupshutupshutup!"

"I mean," Goku continued, failing to notice the throbbing veins on Vegeta's forehead, "what else is the brother of a monkey's father going to be? You can hardly say, "well I'll be a monkey's paternal male sibling." can you?"

"Kakarot!"

"I mean; that would just sound stupid…"

"Kakarot!"

"Unless of course you're some sort of super intelligent person who speaks like that," Goku continued with a frown.

"KAKAROT!" Vegeta cried, grasping Goku by the throat and throttling him.

"Gak!" choked Goku, clutching at Vegeta's fists.

"You fucking third-class piece of…!" screamed the irate Prince.

"Hurk!" Spluttered Goku. There was a hiss of air and a sharp 'pang' followed by a faint ringing sound. Vegeta's fingers gently unclasped from around Goku's throat. Goku opened an eye and saw a look of absolute shock on Vegeta's face, and then he slowly topped back over without changing posture. The prince lay still on his back, legs still in a solid stance, and hands out-front in a zombie-like state. Goku rubbed his throat and looked up as Bulma put her frying pan away seemingly into thin-air.

"What?" she asked. Goku shuddered. "C'mon, let's get back to Capsule Corporation. We have to get Brolli back before something awful happens."

"Like what?"

Bulma thought for a moment. "You may never eat another big dinner ever again."

Goku's eye twitched, then in a flash he grabbed his three companions and vanished with a flicker.

"We know where Brolli is," Bulma said triumphantly. "And more importantly, we vaguely know when he is. I just need to tweak the modified dragon radar even more…"

"Why?" Turlus asked, sceptically.

"I need to give it more range. But that'll mean more power…" She looked around and started pulling draws and cabinets apart looking for the right power source, muttering "too small, too small," constantly to herself.

Raditz leaned over to Turlus and muttered, "That's what she says about Vegeta in the bedroom too."

Bulma ripped open the last container she came to, rummaged around, and threw her hands up with a theatrical cry of frustration, then stormed out the room. There was a loud clank and several shouts from the techs, engineers and workers of Capsule Corp, and then the sound of something being dragged. Bulma re-entered the room towing a large power-cell from one of the space ships and let it drop to floor, denting and ripping the titanium sheets when it impacted.

"What's that!" Goku asked.

"That," Bulma replied brushing a strand of hair behind her ear and regaining her composure, as well as her breath, "is a fusion energy-pod from the spaceship you used to get to Namek years ago, and which Vegeta subsequently stole to go joyriding about the universe." She gave her spouse a specific look, but he just snorted and turned his nose to the air.

"Oh please, like I, the most power warrior in the universe, was going to stay here with you bunch of invalids and retards?"

"Anyway… this energy-pod is what's going to energise the radar." Bulma continued, patting the chrome surface.

"Isn't that a bit overkill?" Raditz asked looking from the hulking piece of extremely advanced technological hardware to the small and comparatively crude dragon radar.

"Nonsense!" Bulma scoffed. "It'll be a doddle to hook the pod up to the radar. And it'll give it the extra range we need to locate Brolli."

"Why? What range are we talking about here?" Turlus asked, with a worried expression on his face.

"Oh, about sixty-five million years." Bulma replied, matter-of-factly.

"Are you fucking crazy!" Turlus shouted.

"Nobody calls me crazy!" Bulma screeched, causing Turlus to duck behind Tomatta.

"But… but… that's a long time away!"

"Yeah, but all you have to do is press the red button, find Brolli, which in that time shouldn't be a problem; all you have to do is listen out for the explosions, and then tag him, and press the black button on the watch to come home. Simple."

"Yeah… except for the sixty-five million part."

"Stop being such a coward!" Vegeta laughed. "Would you like somebody to go along to hold you hand?"

"Are you volunteering?" Turlus quipped.

"Please, don't make me laugh," Vegeta replied smoothly. "I wouldn't sully myself by babysitting a fully-grown man. Even if he is as spineless as you."

There was a small click. "There," Bulma said, dusting her hands. "All done. Now strap the pod to your back and go."

"But…"

"Go. Now." Bulma said again, smiling sweetly.

"But I don't wanna!"

"For the love of all things edible, man! Go!" Goku cried, shaking Turlus.

"Yikes!" Turlus cried and pressed the red button on the watch. He vanished.

Turlus reappeared in what was once a lush jungle. What it was now was a charred mess. Turlus floated up into the air for a look around, and saw to his left was the cliff face. He turned and flew towards it, hoping to be in and out as quickly as possible. When he arrived at the cliff, Brolli was nowhere to be seen, all that remained were large piles of colossal bones and tough, leathery skins strewn about the scorched terrain. A large crater had been blasted into the cliff wall and there was what appeared to be dried blood everywhere.

"Guess the big guy went out with a bang…" Turlus muttered to himself before activating the Dragon Radar. The blips were coming in strong and quick, which meant Brolli was nearby. Turlus charged off in the direction the radar was showing, and it wasn't long before a powerlevel spiked right through him, almost causing him to let go of the radar.

"Gah!" Turlus cried out, clutching his throbbing head.

"Gwahahahaha!" Brolli laughed manically, thundering forward and lunging at Turlus. Turlus, thinking quickly, grabbed his last tag and dived aside as the legendary super Saiyan shot past, managing to snag the broach onto Brolli's sash. Brolli wheeled around and lashed out, catching Turlus across the side of the cheek.

"Hey, you bastard! It's me!" Turlus shouted, bunching his fists. Brolli hesitated and peered at Turlus through dark eyes.

"Tur-lus…" he mumbled. "TURLUS!" The shout was loud enough to make the ground shake and to force Turlus to cover his ears. Brolli hung in the air waiting, watching the other Saiyan. Turlus didn't hesitate, and thumbed the black button on the watch.

They vanished.

Turlus and Brolli reappeared in the capsule corporation courtyard, with an eager-looking group of Saiyans and humans clustered around waiting. As soon as Brolli's gigantic form appeared, they all heaved a sigh of relief, and then covered their noses.

"Oh. My. God!" Bulma cried. "What the hell is that smell?"

"Why does everybody always look at me!" Nappa demanded.

"Because you smell." Vegeta said bluntly.

"That's because I don't take baths, unlike some people!" Nappa replied.

"You say that like it's a good thing?" Raditz asked finger and thumb firmly held over nose.

"You mean… it's not?" They all shook their heads. Brolli just grunted, and sniffed his armpit. Five minutes later, when he regained consciousness, he was in a bath full of soapy, bubbly water. It smelt of rose-petals. The shock to his system sent the Legendary Super Saiyan back into unconsciousness, where he remained for another half hour. When he awoke again he was being towelled down by a group of smug looking women. 18 was leaning against the door, the ever-present smirk smeared across her lips. Brolli grunted as he was pampered, then shrugged Fru et al aside when he thought he was dry enough and wandered off. 18's smirk soon vanished as the tall naked Saiyan strode towards her, and she quickly dived aside with a yelp as Mt. Brolli rumbled past.

"His eyes…" she mumbled as she picked herself up. "Did you see his eyes!"

"They were glistening…" Fru said dreamily.

"He's going to do something…" Cukumbri added.

"Well I'm not sticking around to find out what," 18 said, then headed towards the nearest exit and flew away. Fru and Cukumbri exchanged worried looks, and followed Brolli's wet footprints.

"Brolli! For goodness sake, put some trousers on!" Vegeta snapped irritably. He had been sitting at the kitchen table, arguing with Mirai, when Brolli had just wandered in, seemingly blissfully unaware of his current clotheslessness.

"Foood…" Brolli rumbled, ignoring the prince.

"Pfft, fine. It worries me not," he muttered, and turned back to his son. "So you were saying…?"

"All I'm saying, father, is that perhaps it's time you sought counselling?"

"Look, you polished little turd," Vegeta said, pointing a sinewy finger at Mirai's nose, "I am not an addict!"

"Yes you are, father! You can't go a night without watching Monty Cobra on… father, are you alright?" Mirai asked. Vegeta's face had started going red.

"Monty… Cobra…? Monty Cobra! What sort of genius are you! It's Monty Python you stupid little fuck! How moronic do you have to be to mistake Monty Python with Monty Cobra!"

"Jeez, sorry dad. It's just a TV show."

"Just a TV show? Just a TV show! What would you know? Where you come from, there are no TV shows and everybody's dead!"

Mirai blinked at Vegeta. "You need help."

"Don't make me get the brick."

"But you…"

"You won't like it when I get the brick."

"I know but…"

"That's it! I'm getting the brick!"

"ARGH!" Mirai ran for his life.

"RUN! RUN! AS FAST AS YOU CAN! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME! I'M THE PRINCE OF ALL MOTHERFUCKIN' SAIYANS, BITCH!" Vegeta cried, then chased after his son cackling dementedly, a sackfull of bricks held in hand. Brolli watched them depart thoughtfully, then shrugged and turned his attention to the big fridge in the corner. The big fridge with its supposedly Saiyan-proof padlock. The big fridge that was constantly filled to the brim with all sorts of delicious foods. The big fridge that was extradimentional and was ten times larger on the inside than it was on the outside.

Brolli drooled, then simply reached out and yanked the padlock from the door before opening it. Several alarms went off, and Brolli hurriedly slammed the door shut.

Five minutes later, everybody (except for Vegeta and Mirai) rushed into the kitchen.

"What was that noise!" Goku asked as he entered the room, fear deep in his voice. "It sounded like a girl shrieking in agonising pain. He took in the scene before them as Brolli was standing stock rigid in front of the fridge. "Oh! Hi Brolli!" Goku asked, cheerfully.

"K-K-Kakaroto…" Brolli stuttered.

"Oh shit… he's reverted…" Tomatta muttered. "We're doomed…"

"No-o-o… I don't think it's that," Bulma mused. Goku and Tomatta looked at her, and noticed that her gaze wasn't on Brolli's face; it was lower down. They followed their gaze down over Brolli's body towards his groinal region, and then gasped in shock.

"He… he…"Goku said, not able to get the words out.

"Yup." Bulma nodded.

"But… he…"

"Yup," she nodded again. Cukumbri giggled.

"But… isn't that…"

"Oh yes." Bulma answered. Goku shrieked with terror and ran away.

"The poor darling!" Fru clucked, moving over and opening the fridge door. Brolli suddenly un-tensed as his tail was released from where it was jammed between the fridge door and the doorframe.

"I… I only wanted something to eat," he sniffed and lumbered away, holding his crooked tail carefully in his hands.

"And for goodness sake, put some trousers on!" Turlus shouted after him.

The day progressed, Brolli eventually put some trousers on, and Death Saiyan invariably made its way towards the Gravity Chamber after Vegeta's belligerent screams and threats. They clustered around in front of their set-up, all eyes turned on Vegeta, except for Vegeta's eyes, which couldn't possibly be turned towards Vegeta without the aid of some sort of mystical magical voodoo witchcraft. Or a mirror.

"It has been a while since we did any sort of practice session," Vegeta proclaimed. "So we'd betterhave one now, or we'll never be in any condition to play our next dig."

"Gig, dad."

"Shut up, you," Vegeta said, "or I'll get the bricks. Anyway, I've phoned the walking-toaster and told her to arrange another venue for us to play at. So we'd better get a rail-list…

"Track list."

"Track list sorted out for whenever she gets us the fig."

"Gig," corrected Mirai, and then narrowly avoided the brick.

"I warned you! I said I'd get the bricks, but you didn't listen!"

"Vegeta, put the bricks down and pick your bass up," Raditz said, looping the strap for his guitar over his shoulder and adjusting the machine heads,

"Yes… yes of course. The infernal machine…" Vegeta muttered, picking up his bass and mumbling a few threats at the machine heads. He strummed the strings. "Perfect," the prince said with a slow, sadistic grin.

Everybody edged away from him.

"Will you stop doing that! Kako-brat, count us in already!"

"My name's Gohan."

"Whatever. Just do it."

Gohan sighed. "One! Two! One two three four!"

And so Death Saiyan is re-united after their adventures through time after long last. They've tasted what the past had to offer, and in Brolli's case, they tasted it to extinction, but now let's see what the future has placed on the menu in the next episode of… DEATH SAIYAN!

Shind0: "Good analogy thing at the end there."

Paulus (me): "Thank-you. It just came to me you know."

Shind0: "Really?"

Paulus: "Yeah."

Shind0: "Nasty. I hate it when things do that."

Paulus: "Wha…?"

Shind0: "Things. Just coming at you. Like pencils."

Paulus: "Or bricks?"

Shind0: "…what was that!"

Paulus: "What was what?"

Shind0: "That noise!"

Paulus: "What noise?"

Shind0: "That wet girly noise just a moment ago!"

Paulus: "Oh, that noise. I think it was Mirai whimpering."

Shind0: "Why?"

Paulus: "You said the "B" word."

Shind0: "Oh, hokey. I'll get the umberella."

Paulus: "Uh... wha'?"

Shind0: "You said the letter that comes after "A" so that means your head is going to go KA-BLOOP!"

Paulus: "... Wha!"

Shind0: "Doesn't it?"

Paulus: "No."

Shind0: "Bastard."

Paulus: "No."

Shind0: "What?"

Paulus: "Bastard isn't the "B" word."

Shind0: "Oh! ok, okay.Bollocks?"

Paulus: "No."

Shind0: "Uh… bikaki?"

Paulus: "Sick dude… but no. The other B word."

Shind0: "What other B word? Buxom bouncing bosoms?"

Paulus: "Nice! But again with the no."

Shind0: "The only other B word I said was brick? …There it was again!"

Paulus: "Has the light dawned yet?"

Shind0: "Ooooh! Brickbrickbrickbrickbrickbrickbrickbrick!"

A pause whilst the blood-curdling wail ends

Paulus: "That was evil dude."

Shind0: "Heh, I know."

Paulus: "Just checking. Now, let's go get a sammich."

AN Just some words of wisdom there from me and Shind0. If you can call them wise. Or even "words" whisperings from aside Apparently, yes, I can call them words. Anyway. there'll be another chapter of Death Saiyan next thursday, so be sure to check it out!

And if you're new to the saga, then don't hesitate to A) review and B) read Total War, the story set before this one (you kinda need to read that one to know how everybody got to Earth and why people aren't dead...)

Now, seing as it's nearly Three Ay Em, it's time for Paulus, Lord of the Earth to go to bed and catch some Zees. Goodnight Fanfiction land!