Disclaimer: I-Live-in-your-eyes

Chapter Eighteen – Whiskey In the Jar

They were drunk, they were happy, they were acting weird again. Goku and Mirai were scrapping in the ruins of yet another pub, Vegeta and Brolli were repenting for their sins (including the latest one of kidnapping a Catholic priest) and Gohan was parading about the square, proclaiming himself the greatest being ever. It wasn't long before the women-folk arrived, Bulma once again sporting a tranquilliser gun, to herd the Saiyans back home. The landlord cowered behind the remains of his bar as Chi-Chi, Bulma, Videl, Fru, and Cucumbri stalked forward brandishing assorted weaponry (all right. Frying pans) and got them all into the capsule corp. airbus Bulma had brought along.

The air bus took off, and is it rose into the air it lurched to the side violently. A sharp clang rang through the air followed by an agonising scream, and a green pulse of light lept from the air bus' windows.

"I'm so sorry, are you alright?" Brolli asked Goku, who was lying in a smouldering heap on the floor.

"Oh so that's what it's all about huh?" Goku roared and leapt to his feet. Before anybody else could respond, Goku had charged towards Brolli and had attempted to headbutt him, only to have Brolli catch him by the face and dangle him off the floor.

"Please, don't. I don't want to hurt you," Brolli pleaded, his face anguished.

"Leave off!" Goku screamed, his arms and legs flailing in the air.

"Oh, behave," Napa said, rather camply.

"Fuck off, baldy!" Mirai snarled. "This is the best entertainment on this dingy little rock."

"Yeah. Let's watch them scrap it out," Gohan prompted them.

"Don't make me use the pan again!" Videl warned.

"You wouldn't!" Gohan teased. Clang! "Okay, so you would. Big deal. I could snap you like a tw-" CLANG! "Alright, that does it!" CLANG!

"Did you really have to hit him so hard?" Chi-Chi asked, inspecting the ripped remains of her favourite frying pan and then dropped it onto Gohan's unconscious body.

"I didn't want to go through all that again," Videl sighed. "Hey, where's Vegeta and Bulma?"

"You don't want to know," Cukumbri said, rolling her eyes. Inquisitive silence filled the room, only to be broken by a loud squeal of delight and a girlish giggle.

"That was Vegeta's voice!" Chi-Chi cried.

"I think I'm going to be sick…" Videl muttered, running tot he window and sticking her head out.

"Vegie, behave! We're in public!" they heard Bulma pant.

"My lust for you knows no bounds, my love! Let us share our passion with the whole world!"

"… since you put it that way…"

"For the love of god, put some loud music on!" Tomatta shouted quickly. There was an urgent rush for the stereo, which ended up in a large brawl.

"Get your hands off've me, human!" Goku shouted, elbowing Mirai aside.

"You and what army, mouth-breather!" Mirai retorted, kicking Goku in the crotch. The Saiyan went down like a tonne of bricks and whimpered in the corner as the others tried to clamber past. Finally they resolved their quest, and Turlus flicked on the radio with a triumphant gesture.

"Hoh yeah! I rock!" he crooned. "Now, where's the whiskey?"

"You're not having another drop, buster!" Chi-Chi threatened, hefting another pan. Turlus whimpered and hid behind Brolli.

"What's the matter, scared of a little girl?" Mirai teased. Moments later, he too was a whimpering mass on the floor clutching his head.

"Little girl, eh?" Chi-Chi sneered. "Hush, boy, or I'll give you a spanking!"

"Kinky," Turlus scoffed from behindthe relative safty of Mount Brolli.

And so the flight back to CC was an eventful one. The Saiyans were unloaded into the gravity chamber and left to their own devices for the rest of the night, whilst Bulma and Chi-Chi kept a close eye on what was going on. It wasn't long before the door opened and a bald head popped round the corner.

"What are you waiting for? Get going!" Goku urged, and shoved Napa out into the corridor.

"But, what if they're waiting for me? Like an ambush?" Napa replied.

"Then run away," Goku said, and the door slammed closed. Napa stood blinking at the reinforced portal for a momen, and then looked around. A shadow moved down the way, and the large Saiyan fled, whimpering. Something else moved up ahead, and he screamed, and bolted through the nearest window with a crash.

Chi-Chi and Bulma emerged from the shadows,rendezvousing at the broken window and stared out into the night as a blue glow disappeared quickly into the city.

"Well where do you suppose he's off to in such a hurry?" Bulma asked.

"Beats me," Chi-Chi replied. "But you can bet he's up to no good."

Bulma thought about this. "Twenty zenii says you're wrong."

"You're an idiot, do you know that?" Chi-Chi answered.

"What's the matter, you chicken?" Bulma replied.

"What! Alright, that's it girl. Fifty zenii says I'm right. Put your money where your mouth is you little trollop!"

"Trollop! Why I've never been so insulted in my life!" Bulma said, pressing her nose against Chi-Chi's

"That's just for starters! For shame!"

"Shame? What do I have to be ashamed of!"

"That little exhibition on the way home!"

"Oh don't be such a prude!" Bulma cried. "Just because you're not getting any!"

"Who told you that!" Chi-Chi shrieked.

"I don't need to be told you uppity bitch," Bulma smirked. "You're such a prude."

"I am not prudent!" Chi-Chi snapped. "I'm just careful."

"Careful about not getting laid, jeez, no wonder you're so uptight,"

"That's not what I meant!" yelled Chi-Chi, Bulma's hair flying back in the waves.

"Getting rather defencive about it, aren't we," Bulma smiled.

"Oooooh, you're worse than that android!" Chi-Chi growled.

"Hey! Don't you dare compare me to that jumped-up circuit board!" Bulma replied.

"How can I not? You're both uppity wenches who only think of one thing."

"I'm not always thinking about money!" Bulma squeled.

"I never said what your one thing was, your dirty little whore."

"Dirty!" Bulma shouted. "Whore!" She squeaked. "Why you narrow minded, pretentious little… swineherd!"

"Swineherd!" Chi-Chi cried. "Ooooh, you're asking for it missy."

"Bring it on!" Bulma shouted. "A hundred zenii says I kick your ass!"

"What's your problem! Why're you always gambling!"

"Uh… I'm not…"

"Everytime something happens you're betting me."

"Yeah? So? It's my money, I can do what I like with it."

"Why don't you just play the lottery or something? Like any normal person."

"You're saying I'm abnormal?"

"You dated Yamcha for a long while."

"… touché," Bulma conceded.

"And then dumped him for Vegeta."

"You say that like it's a bad thing…"

"He tried to kill you. Several times."

"That was in the past."

"And then he turned evil again and tried to kill everybody else."

"Midlife Crisis," Bulma answered.

"And the time he wushed Brolli to earth to kill everyone?"

"For fuck's sake, Chi-Chi, everybody makes mistakes!"

"Yeah, not so many fatal ones as your husband though!"

"Well what about Goku!" Bulma shouted.

"…What about him?"

"He's not exactly Mister Intelligent is he?"

"At least he's safe!"

"So long as he isn't patting you on the back, or punching you in the arm jovially, or anything else."

"So he's a little clumsy…" Chi-Chi said.

"Just a little? How many times has he wrecked the house?"

"Um… well…"

"And your old house?"

"Urm…"

"And just how many times has he gotten us into trouble?"

"Yeah, but at least my Goku saves the world instead of trying to destroy it!"

"… touche," chi-chi conceded again.

And so the bickering continued. Both the women had completely forgotten about Napa, who come to a halt outside of a large 24/7 convenience store and was staring up at the neon lighting.

"Ooooh, pretty…" he murmured, completely raptured by the flashing blue and red lights. Particularily the ones that flashed "Hot" and "Food." He reached into his pocket and brought out a credit card. It had the words "platinum" emblazoned on it, and it had been pressed into his hand by Vegeta after much shouting.

Napa was on a quest! Napa was on a mission! He felt his chest swell with pride, it had been a long time since Vegeta had entrusted him to perform any sort of important task, and Vegeta had assured him that this task was incredibly important.

The bald Saiyan took a deep breath, and walked through the doors. That is to say that Napa didn't open the door and then stepped through the open doorway, he simply stepped through the door, accompanied by the sound of shattering glass.

"I hope you're going to pay for that!" the shop clerk gasped in absolute horror. Napa looked at the puny little human vibrating with absolute rage, and then looked at the door. The thought had crossed his mind to simply crush the worm and be done with it, like in the good old days when he and Vegeta had bummed across the galaxy meeting many interesting people and then eating their remains when they grew bored of pummelling them. But he reflected that Vegeta might not be very happy, and that wench he lived with certainly wouldn't be very happy, and when she wasn't happy, Napa didn't get fed. So it was a good idea to stay on her good side. At least Vegeta just hit him, Bulma , Napa firmly believed, resorted to mental warfare. And seeing as Napa wasn't very mentally endowed, he invariably lost. Often embarrassingly. And often with Vegeta, Trunks, orboth of them, sniggering at his discomfort.

Napa remembered the credit card. Vegeta said it would pay for anything. Napa looked back to the clerk and held up the small, almost insignificant, piece of plastic.

"Uh… will this do?" he asked.

The clerk's eyes glazed over. "Um… yes…yes… that'll do nicely," he serenly, almost plesently. "Is there anything else sir requires?" Napa told him. "Oh, well, we have what's on the shelves at the back."

And so Napa lumbered away, browsing through the shelves, looking for the items he had been demanded to retrieve.

Back in the gravity chamber, Goku and Mirai were brawling in the corner whilst Vegeta stalked back and forth, clenching and relaxing his fists constantly. He was sobering up rapidly, and was getting annoyed at Brolli's constant attempts to console him, despite constant rebukes which sent the Legendary Super Saiayn recoiling in fits of tears. "Idiots," Vegeta muttered under his breath, then turned to look about the room. Their capsuled equipment sat in their reinforced box in the middle of the floor, where it had just been dumped by Bulma when they had been herded back into the gravety chamber. And from thence onwards, Vegeta had gradually returned to his normal state whilst the others acted completely abnormal. As soon as he had sobered up, Vegeta had been in a particularily foul mood, which he took out on Goku, who now sported a black eye (and wore it like some sort of "bad-ass badge").

"Where is that baldy baka," Vegeta growled. "I require intoxication!"

"You;'re a pussy Vegeta!" Goku screamed. "Can't hold your liquor!"

"Silence, clown!" Vegeta rasped, "before I black your other eye!"

"Not before I do it first!" Mirai yelled, charging at Goku. The pair of them tumbled about, flailing at each other and hurling insults like a common street brawl, and Vegeta shook his head sadly

"Pathetic," he whispered.

Napa rushed through the steets with several bundles under each large arm, making a bee-line for CC, and then skirted around the edge of the main building towards the shattered window. He arrived, and stood and watched in amazement as, rolling about on the floor, were Chi-Chi and Bulma. Chi-Chi was trying to bounce Bulma's head off the floor, and Bulma had Chi-Chi by the hair and was pulling viciously.

Napa stood and watched them for some time, then sat down on the lawn and carefully laidthe packages on the ground. He opened one, and took out a bottle of beer, ripping the cap off with ease and tossing it behind him. He downed the golden-brown liquid and took another, watching the specticle unfold before him.

"Heh heh heh," he chuckled as these two women rolled about and fought, clawing at each other like alley cats. He drank more and watched more, and eventually opened one of the oher packages and brought out packets of crisps, which he devoured endlessly, pouring packet after packet into his beastly maw. Yes folks. Napa's maw is beastly! Beastly, says I!

The women rolled, and fought, and called each other names, and scratched, and clawed, and pulled hair, and spat, and called each other more names, then rolled apart, regained their breath, and then went back at it hammer and tongs. And Napa was having a wail of a time! He had drink, he had snacks… all that was missing was company. So Napa decided to go get them.

"They're what?" Vegeta asked, raising his eyebrow after Napa had explained the situation inside the gravity room.

"Bitch slapping each other outside on the lawn," Napa said, excitedly hopping from one foot to the other. The overall effect was like watching a large, bald trifle, and it was making Goku feel hungry. His stomach growled loudly, just to emphasise this statement.

"But, why?"

"Who cares!" Napa exclaimed. "It's entertaining!"

"I bet you breakfast that Chi-Chi wins," Goku grinned.

"That's a pretty major bet you've placed there, Kakkarot," Vegeta said. "I take your bet, and raise it by lunch."

"You're on!" Goku smirked, not wanting to be outdone by prince pineapple head.

"Can we please just go and watch this, before they finish!" Brolli urged, now sober and in the mood for a good giggle. Two wenches slapping each other would suffice.

"Fine, fine. Let's fellow the stupid, flatulent one then," Vegeta said, urging Napa onwards, who farted, also to emphasise the point. So Vegeta hit him.

When Napa came to, he was lying on the cool grass outside, and a night breeze was blowing across his prone body. A multitude of whoops and cries came from nearby, and when he sat up, the others were camped upon the grass, cheering on Chi-Chi and Bulma as they fought. Eventually, the battle-lust took over the Saiyans, and they all began brawling on the lawn in a raging free-for-all, laughing and giggling like little schoolgirls as they flailed about at each other in a semi-drunken stupor. It wasn't long before the first of them blasted into Super Saiyan, and then all those that could followed suit. The golden fighting ball of flesh rose into the air, the combatants still laughing and giggling, and then was blasted apart by an intense green flare.

Brolli remained fixed in the space above capsule corporation, and across the city there could be heard various screams and shouts, and the occasional explosion. It took the others a short while to return, and most of them were gibbering excitedly. And many of them were clutching souvenirs.

"I landed in a kitchen!" Goku exclaimed happily, his mouth covered in a variety of food-related stains. "It was huge and it was full of food! I thought I'd died and gone to heaven."

"Kakarot, but you've been to heaven," Vegeta said. "And you know for a fact that's not what it looks like."

"Oh… yeah," Goku said, scratching the back of his head. "Well, maybe it's a sort of food heaven? Where food goes when it's been good."

"No Kakarot, it was a kitchen," Vegeta replied.

"How can food be good?" Turlus asked, clutching a shop mannequin clad in a hawaiian shirt, bemuda shorts and sunglassesunder his arm.

"Well, food that tastes great goes to food heaven," Goku explained. "And food that doesn't just floats in the rancid sewers of Food Hell, where the great demon Ronald McDonald salts them and douses them in fat until the end of all time."

There was a stunned silence. "You're a mook," Vegeta replied eventually.

"Thanks!" Goku beamed.

"That was an insult, you fool."

"Oh," Goku replied, deflated a little, but still undeterred from his visions of Food Heaven. "And in food heaven, the food is served up as gormy accordion bleugh!"

"Gormy accordion bleurgh?" Mirai asked, a small hamster poking its head out from his cupped hands.

"I think he means "Gourmet Cordon Bleu,"" Gohan translated.

"Gohan?"

"Yes Dad?"

"Why are you hiding a traffic cone and a police woman's hat behind your back?"

"I don't know, it just seemed like the proper thing to do."

"You take them back this instant, I'll not have a son as my thief," he admonished, then paused. "Or a thief as my son."

"But dad, you stole an entire kitchen's contents!" Gohan complained.

"That's not true," Goku replied. "I… uh… merely liberated them from their harsh repressors and gave them a good home."

"You mean your stomach, you glutton," Vegeta said with a raised eyebrow.

"Yup!" Goku said, grinning and giving his stomach a triumphant pat.

"You really are something else, cousin," Tomatta said with a smile, a state of the art home entertainment system, fully boxed, held on his shoulder.

"What are you going to do with that?" Brolli asked, looking at the huge box set.

"Well, I was thinking of hooking it up at the flat," Tomatta replied.

"Why?" Brolli asked. "We don't have a television."

"I was thinking we could attach it to the hi-fi or something…"

"If any of us had doubts about your kinship to Kakarot," Vegeta smirked, "they have just been dashed into a thousand pieces by that phrase which was truely worthy of Kakarot."

The more intelligent members of the group laughed whilst the others tried to work out what had just been said.

"But… he is my cousin…" Goku pointed out, perplexed.

"It was a joke, Kakarot," Turlus explained.

"No, I've heard jokes before. They go like "Knock Knock," or "why did the chicken cross the road?" or… or… "an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman""

Vegeta stared at Goku for a long, uncomfortable moment. "Get out," he said.

"But, Vegie, we are out."

"Just shut up you damned fool."

"But you just said get out and we are out and I'm just pointing out that…"

"Strike him centurion!" Vegeta screamed.

"And throw him to the floor sir?" Brolli asked with a grin.

("Oooh not you as well…" Mirai groaned in the background)

"Oh yes, throw him to the floor please!" Vegeta cried.

And so it was done. Brolli cuffed Goku with the back of his hand, and together with Napa, seized the hapless clown and threw him to the floor. Then the four of them collapsed to the floor laughing with cries of "WELEASE WODGER!" and "WOODOLPH THE WED NOSED WEINDEER!"

Mirai decided that he'd had enough when they all four of themstarted reciting the "What have the Romans ever done for us!" routine, word for word, and so went to his bedroom and locked the door and began plotting.

However, unbeknownst to the others, Trunks had been watching the antics on the lawn, and had taken the opportunity to sneak into another of their rooms with another glass of water…

AN: Why is the idea of the Saiyans being big fans of Monty Python so damn funny! When me and Shind0 came up with the idea off the Saiyans doing Monty Python routines in highschool/college (note to non-UK readers: college isn't university), our friends thought it was a work of genius and before long there was a large group of us sitting around a table, with pen and paper, working out which character should be in which sketch…

Anyway, be sure to stay tuned. Because the second-greatest Dragonball Z villain (in my humble opinion) is about to make his return…