Disclaimer: Three claws on his knees (he's not human!)

Chapter Nineteen:

The Frayed Ends of Vegeta's Sanity (AKA: Vegeta's second crazy dream)

It was so late that it was early when the Prince of all Saiyans retired to his bedroom. He stripped down and pulled on a fresh pair of boxer shorts before sitting on the edge of the bed and reached out for the glass of water that was sitting on the bedside table. He drank about half of the tall glass, and laid down on the soft mattress, stretching himself out with a relaxed sigh. He felt a, battered, bruised and grass-stained Bulma stir beside him and murmur something about frigid wenches in her sleep, and he raised an eyebrow at his mate.

"silly woman," he chuckled and rolled onto his side, closing his eyes and drifting off into a deep sleep…

Vegeta awoke to the sound of hoof beats and the jolting movements of a horse, and his hand was outstretched as though he were holding reigns. However, there was no horse attached to the end of them, and when he looked down, he was bounding across a field in a hopping-skipping motion. Perplexed, he looked about, and saw Napa following a short distance behind him, clopping to halved and hollowed-out coconut shells together.

"Napa… what are you doing?" Vegeta asked.

"Making horse noises, my king," Napa replied matter-of-factly. This explanation sounded extremely reasonable to Vegeta, so he let it pass with a shrug. As he glanced back to Napa, he became aware of other clippity-clop noises coming from about him, and as he turned he saw others following him dressed in armour. To his right was Kakarot (followed by Gohan baring coconut shells) and Mirai (followed by Yamcha), and to his left was Tomatta (followed by Brolli) and Turlus (followed by Tien, Krillin, Goten and Trunks, all dressed as minstrels and playing various harps, lutes and lyres).

All this seemed to be a perfectly normal situation, and he distinctly remembered meeting Tomatta in a castle, where he used his brilliant scientific mind to prove that Chi-Chi was a witch and have her burned at the stake. Ah, how he had enjoyed the event, and he had been sufficiently impressed as to ask Tomatta to become part of his council at… at what? He couldn't quite remember. All he knew was that damned Namek had appeared to him in a vision and had bestowed upon them the quest for the Whole Senzu Bean, which seemed perfectly reasonable to him.

And now, here they were, approaching a large grey castle, with the intent to ask for the lord's aid in their quest. They rode on for a while longer, and before long they had arrived at the foot of the castle's mighty walls. Vegeta reigned in his pretend horse, not in the least feeling like a right prat for crying "Woah there!" (Behind him, Napa and the other coconut-bearers made a frantic clip-clopping nosie with their half-shells as the other knights pulled up behind their king).

"Hallo!" Vegeta cried up at the battlements. "Hallo!"

"'Allo? Oo iz eet?" came the response in a dodgy French accent, and Frieza's head popped up from the battlements above them.

"It is King Vegeta," Vegeta replied, then gestured behind him, "and these are the knights of the Z-table. Who's castle is this?"

"This is the castle of my Master, Cold de Chaud," Frieza replied.

"Go tell your master that we have been charged by that blasted Namek with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our holy quest for the Whole Senzu Bean."

"Well, I'll ask eem, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh… he's already got wurn, you see," Frieza replied.

"What!" Vegeta asked, perplexed.

"He says they've already got one, Dad," Mirai replied.

"I heard brat," Vegeta growled, then turned his attention back up to Frieza. "Are you sure he's got one?"

"Oh yes, Itz very nice-a," Frieza answered, nodding his head. He then turned and whispered to Zarbon and Dodoria who were listening in. "I told zem we've already got wurn," he sniggered, and the others giggled.

"Well… uh… can we come up and have a look?" Vegeta asked.

"Of course not!" Frieza cried, outraged. "You are silly English types-a!"

"Well what are you then!" Vegeta cried.

"I'm French! Why do you think I 'ave zis outrrrrageous accent you silly king!"

"What are you doing in England?" Mirai asked with a puzzled frown.

"Mind your own business!" Frieza snapped.

"If you do not show us the Senzu, we shall take your castle by force!" Vegeta growled.

"You don't frighten us, English monkey-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so called Vegeta-king, you and all your silly English kerrrr-niggits! Thrrrppppt!" Frieza mocked, placing his thumb on the end of his nose and blowing a raspberry as he waggled his slender fingers.

"What a strange person," Mirai said, glancing up at Vegeta.

Vegeta ignored him, and shot a patented deathglare at Frieza. "Now look here my good man!"

"I don't want to talk to you no more! You empty headed animal food trough waiter! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!" Frieza cried.

"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Mirai asked hopefully.

"No, now go away, before I taunt you a second time-a!" Frieza sniffed.

"Now, this is your last chance," Vegeta snarled, pointing a finger up at Frieza. "I've been more than reasonable."

"Faites chier la vache," Frieza said, turning to Zarbon.

"Quoi?" Zarbon replied, looking to Dodoria, who shrugged.

"Bring the cow!" Frieza replied, exasperated.

"Oooh!" Zarbon said as recognition dawned. "faites chier la vache!"

Vegeta stood glaring up at the smirking frieza on the battlements, thinking of what to do next. "If you do not agree to my commands then I shall--"

Vegeta's sentence was cut short by a loud reverberating twang and the shrieking, urgent MOOOOOO! as a cow was catapulted over the battlements, and crushed Yamcha into the ground.

"Jesus Christ! Right, charge!" Vegeta yelled, and ran towards the wall and began hitting it with his sword.

"Charge!" The other knights behind him cried and did the same.

"Zis wurn if for your mother!" Frieza cried, and the noise of another incoming cow filled the air.

"Run away!" the knights shouted, and frantically ran back to the safety of some nearby woodland as various cattle and poultry were hurled at them, but not before another cow fell from the sky, pinning Krillin to the ground with a shriek.

"Fiends! I'll tear them apart!" Goku shouted, leaping to his feet, but was soon pulled back into the woods by Vegeta and Mirai.

"No, Kakarot. You'll be killed, and I have repeatedly stated that I'm the only one allowed to do that."

"Sire," Tomatta smiled. "I have a plan…"

Frieza stood upon the battlements of Castile de Chaud's walls and looked out over the fields where the Saiyans had stood, and cackled to himself at his mastery over them. But they were fresh out of livestock now, and he had cravings for a boiled egg.

His wistful thinkings were distracted by the sounds of sawing, hammering, and powertools in the woodlands where the Saiyans had retreated. He frowned and watched for a moment, and then opened his mouth in amazement as a large, wooden rabbit was wheeled out of the trees and into the open field. He ran down the steps, gathering Zarbon and Dodoria as he went, and opened the large castle gates, poking his head out to gape at this thing.

"C'est un lapin…" he murmured. "un lapin de bois."

"Wah?" Zarbon asked.

"Un cadeau."

"Cad,… eh?" Dodoria asked.

"A present!" Frieza shouted.

"Oh! Un cadeau!"

"Oui, oui. Hurry, let's go," Frieza said, and the three of them scurried out and dragged the wooden rabbit back into the castle.

Back in the woodland, peering through the bushes, Vegeta, Tomatta, Turlus, Goku and Mirai were watching the events with great interest.

"What happens now?" Vegeta asked.

"Well now, uh, Trunks, Goku and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise – not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!" Tomatta said excitedly.

Behind him, Goku groaned.

"Who, leaps out?" Vegeta asked, making sure he'd heard right.

"Uhh… Goku, Mirai and myself…" Tomatta repeated, and then closed his mouth when he saw the expression on Vegeta's face. "Um… I… Look, if we built this large wooden badger…"

"Oh shut up!"

There was a loud musical twanging noise from the direction of the castle, and when they looked up they saw their rabbit plummeting through the air towards them.

"Run away!" they all yelled, and legged it. Vegeta turned back, as he ran, and the rabbit struck him squarely in the face.

Vegeta sat bolt upright in bed, panting and sweating. He looked about at the bedroom, disorientated and confused, and he ran his hands through his hair.

"This is just getting fucking weird…" he murmured and reached out for another drink of water.

Several says passed, and Vegeta managed to last the course without the need to discuss the events of his dream with anybody, least of all his neurotic spouse or that limp-haired son of his from the future who seems to be obsessed with counselling and standing infront of the mirror wearing tight leather trousers and admiring himself. There are several things that no true Saiyan warrior must witness; your own son admiring himself in tight-fitting leather trousers is one of them, and as such is pretty near the top of said list. Vegeta shuddered at the image, and returned his attentions to his breakfast cereal, which he ate lazily (neither of them were going anywhere). He had just finished his third bowl and was pouring a fourth when the door opened and a familiar figure slinked in a sat opposite him.

"Crunchy Corn?" Vegeta asked, offering the box to 18.

"No thanks, I've just eaten," 18 replied politely.

"I thought I heard the cat yell," Vegeta said thoughtfully, and poured himself another helping. "What do you want, you over-grown tumble dryer?"

"I've come to tell you that Death Saiyan are going international."

"What does that involve?"

"Well, mostly, it involves travelling around the world, plugging your up-and-coming album."

"What album?"

"The one you've been contracted to record when you get back from your world tour."

"Oh," Vegeta said, eating a spoonful of cereal. "That's nice."

"You're not excited?"

"Nah," Vegeta said.

"But… isn't this what you wanted?"

"Yes."

"Then why aren't you excited?"

"Because it's too early in the morning for excitement. Give me about another… two hours."

18 looked at him, her eyebrow raised. "O-kay…" she said at length. "I've had the company mail you the exact details. They'll be arriving in the post by tomorrow morning at the latest."

"Alright, thank-you for the news," Vegeta said. "Now get the fuck off my property before I feed you to Brolli."

"Alright, alright. No need to get feisty," 18 said with a smirk, and left quietly.

Sure enough, the next morning Bulma left a letter on Vegeta's desk in his personal study and left without saying a word. Vegeta the letter a deathglare, and when he was reasonably happy that it wasn't trying to defy him, he slid a finger under the flap and ripped it open.

He took the documentation out, and read through the various letters and leaflets which detailed the world tour that Death Saiyan were about to embark on, playing gigs with various large-name bands across the globe. Vegeta drank in the details, and the possibilities became endless. His fans legion throughout the world, all bowing before him, worshiping him as their god! Maybe he should offer Kakarrot as sacrifice? He gave this thought some considerable consideration, and decided against it. However much of a baka he was, he was a better guitarist and Death Saiyan needed him.

The next day, Vegeta called a meeting in the gravity chamber, and when all the Saiyans had assembled he made sure the sound-proof seals were in place.

"We're about to take it to the next level," the Prince of all Saiyans announced with a smirk.

"It's not possible…" Goku gasped… "there's a level beyond the Gig?"

Vegeta gave Goku a long, cold stare. "Get out," he said quietly. "Right now. Before I hurt you. Painfully."

"Aw c'mon Vegie, I was just joking…" Goku explained and then yelped as a bass guitar bounced off his forehead.

"I do not do jokes," Vegeta said with a harrumph.

"I hear that Bulma call's Vegeta's thingy a joke on a nightly basis," Raditz muttered to Turlus, who chuckled.

"What's so funny, Kakoclone?" Vegeta snapped.

"Raditz said you had a tiny pecker," Turlus replied quickly.

"I did not!" Raditz cried defensively. "Traiter," he added under his breath.

"Yeah yeah, you snooze, you loose," Turlus replied.

"Loose what?" Raditz asked.

"Your life," Vegeta said, something in his eye gleaming. It took them a second to realise that the gleam was actually a reflection of the ki-blast he had formed in his and was pointing at Raditz.

Eventually, the dust died down, and Brolli beat out the fire that had started in Raditz's hair, severaly concussing the large hairy guitarist in the process, and Vegeta resumed what he had begun moments earlier.

"As I was saiying," he begun. "We have been invited to go on a world tour. We leave in a week's time, and our first destination is Rome."

"But, I don't wanna go roaming," Goku whined, losing grip on the conversation. Again.

"No, not roam you dyslexic fool," Vegeta sighed. "Rome."

"Yeah? Roam."

"No, Rome!"

"I heard you the first time!" Goku cried.

"No you didn't you spikey haired goit!"

"My hair's not spikey, spikey!" Goku retorted.

"What'd you call me!"

"Spikey!"

"I am not French!" Vegeta roared.

"Huh?" Everybody else asked, completely and utterly confused.

"Uh… never mind…" Vegeta replied.

The others just looked at him, and he just glared at Goku. "We're going to Italy," he said patiently. "The capitol of which is known as "Rome"".

"Well why didn't you say so?" asked emploringly, rolling his eyes. "Gee Vegie, you can be pretty dumb sometimes."

"Kakarrot."

"Yes Vegie?"

"Shut up."

"Yes Vegie."

"Now, I suggest we get ja…" Vegeta hesitated, remembering the chaos that had occured the previous times he had used that word. "Practicing because we're doing quite a few gigs over the next few months. And then when we get home, we going into the studio to record an album."

"Ooooh, an album?" Goku asked excitedly. "What songs will we put on it?"

"Well, we'll obviously have to write more. I mean, we have… four right now?" The others nodded. "We should be able to think up another eight or so before the end of the tour. And then we'll release our album and then the whole world shall tremble before our prowess!"

"And then what?" Turlus asked.

"Uh… I haven't thought that far ahead," Vegeta admitted. "But be assured that whatever I think up will be hellishly fiendish and so mind bogglingly complex that Kakarrot will be flummoxed!"

"Vegeta, the concept of putting his pants on in the morning leaves Kakarrot flummoxed," Turlus replied.

"What pants?" Goku asked, tugging at the waistband of his trousers and peering into the murky depths. Everybody backed off with a look of disgust smeared across their faces.

Gohan groaned and let himself slowly slide down the wall. "I think I'm mentally scared for life…"

The following week went by quickly for the Saiyans who practically lived in the gravity chamber, only disappearing for raids to the kitchen or to see their significant others and avoid getting yelled at by them for never being home anymore. Goku and Gohan would regularly return with mild concussion, and the others would laugh at them.

Meanwhile all over Italy, flyers were being posted in shop windows and on walls and on telegraph poles displaying the up-and-coming gigs in Rome, Milan, Naples, and Genoa. Tickets had been on salefor months now, but the support acts had been modified to include another band from the far east and new posters were being splashed up and broadcasts were being made to announce this news. Nobody in Italy cared. They just continued on with their lives by tootling by on scooters, saying "Ciao" and playing football.

However, in the Vatican, there was a major concern with a single person. Bishop Carcer paced back an forth in his chambers and muttered to himself. He was a tall, broad man, and his already pale face was even paler know.

"They're coming…" he groaned. "Oh gods, they're coming here. Damn you, Gokuuuu, why can't you just leave me in peace?"

The Bishop spent the rest of the week worrying, and even the Pope noticed the change in one of the most pious of his pupils, a bishop whom he spent hours arguing theology with, touching heavily on the subject on the divine infallibility that God had bestowed upon his creation when he made man in his image. Though it worried His Holiness when Carcer asked if only being part Man made him less perfect than Man. The Pope often consoled him by saying that everybody is perfect, in their own special way. This usually seemed to cheer the bishop up.

What also worried the pope is when Carcer continually denied the offer of being ordained a Cardinal on the grounds of "the hat won't fit."

The aeroplane touched down with the squeal of wheels on tarmac, and Goku gripped the chair arms so tightly that they cracked and splintered.

"Kakarrot, you fly constantly. SO why are you scared of flying in a plane?" Vegeta asked, peering through the seats in front of him so he could see Goku.

"Because if I crash in the air, I just hurt my head. If we crash in this thing, there's a very good chance that we'll be turned into Saiyans In A Can."

Vegeta pondered this for a moment and opened his mouth to counter Goku's arguments, but changed his mind and settled for "Kakarrot, you're an idiot."

The troop of Saiyans wandered out into the Italian sun and Goku stared all about him. Already he could see the famous Roman ruins and Gohan's face became one of excitement.

"They've certainly let their standards slip," Goku said. "I mean, look at all the ruin. It looks like Brolli's been here and had a headache."

"I resent that," Brolli replied. "When I get a headache it's invariably your fault and as such I'd look to pummel your face into the ground."

Goku swallowed hard. "I stand corrected."

They moved out into the terminal and collected their baggage, then went out into the foyer. A man was waiting on them with a placard reading "Death Saiyan" and Vegeta instinctively went over to him. The sunglass-wearing man stood rigidly and Vegeta prodded him in the midriff with a bony finger, sinking the digit up to the second knuckle. The man doubled over, his cheeks bulging with an "oof!" sound and Vegeta chuckled.

"We're Death Saiyan. Now take us wherever we're meant to be going," Vegeta commanded.

"Ce, ce," the man replied, and beckoned them. "Follow me, per favore," he said. The group followed the placard bearer and the exited into the street, and to a waiting minibus. They all jostled for seats, and the man sat down at the front next to the driver. They exchanged words in Italian, and the bus took off moments after the doors snapped closed with a hiss. The Italian leg off Death Saiyan's tour had just began, and Vegeta smiled an evil smile to himself. This would be interesting to say the least…

AN Well, there we have it. Death Saiyan are about to bring the Italians to their knees. And hopefully they won't demolish too many of their cities during their after-gig alcohol benders.

Also, anybody who can Name The Secret Villain in todays chapter gets, well, nothing. Some respect maybe? A free preview of the next saga (working title: "His Final Toy") in the Total War series? Yes, that may suffice. So leave your guess in a review (one guess per reader), along with a contact email address. And if you're very very lucky, you may find a document in your email in-box from (re: Prize Winner) in the near future.

(hint: it isn't Frieza)

If nobody gets it this round, I'll drop a few more clues in next chapter, "Rock In Roma"

Paulus