"If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair..."
Scott MacKenzie, "San Francisco"

Free Will
A Neon Genesis: Evangelion Story.

Chapter 3: Barefoot in the park.

Shinji had stammered through a reply. He thought he might have said something about enjoying the song, but he really couldn't be sure. Everything seemed to be happening at different speeds, so that while the moment itself seemed to hang suspended in time, everything before and after was a blur. He knew he somehow managed to clock out – hopefully Nikki wouldn't be too swamped – and that he and Kaworu had left together. They walked together, and hopefully Kaworu knew where he was headed because Shinji wasn't even paying attention. He found himself recalling – of all things – those awkward moments they had once spent, sitting side-by-side in the bath at headquarters. Kaworu seemed content not to speak, and Shinji simply had no idea what to say. So they walked. Storefronts and sidewalk markets came into view and then fell away, and eventually they passed through the large stone archway into Golden Gate Park.

What do you tell the one person who ever claimed to love you… the person who wished for death… the person whose life you ended with your own hand? Human experience knew no answer for what Shinji had encountered, and so silence had reigned during the entire walk through the park. They now sat on a bridge over a small stream, their naked feet hanging over the edge to graze the surface. Occasionally Shinji would venture to dip a toe into the cold water, only to draw it back again quickly and curl it against the back of his other ankle to sooth his offended nerves. It really was just like that time in the NERV bathhouse, and Shinji even found himself looking down at his hand, resting on the wooden plank beside him, expecting Kaworu to cover it with his own. This sort of thinking drew a slow blush to his cheeks, and he looked quickly away. Noticing the sudden movement, the other boy smiled, reaching over to touch Shinji's shoulder.

"Have I troubled you, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu asked. His voice had matured, deepened somewhat, giving it a resonance which it had lacked in youth. Strangely, it made Shinji think of Kaji, the lover of his former guardian, Misato Katsuragi. Perhaps it was that unspoken, adult confidence in his tone, that knowing look in his rose-colored eye. As a young teenager, they had seemed whimsical on Kaworu. Now, with silver storm cloud hair longer than ever, they gave him a sensual presence that Shinji could not overlook.

"No," Shinji realized he was speaking only an instant after he had opened his mouth. He realized with relief that this was true. Kaworu's presence did not trouble him. In fact, it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Then the guilt and the grief came surging back, and he remembered...

...Five years earlier...

Shinji sat in the cockpit of Evangelion Unit 01, Kaworu literally held in his extended, inhuman grasp. The other boy had, under the direction of the mysterious committee of SELEE, come to threaten everyone in Tokyo-3. He had taken possession of the four-eyed, crimson giantess that was Unit 02, and breached the inner sanctum of headquarters. There, Shinji had defeated Unit 02, and closed his own Eva's fist around Kaworu's pale, thin body. And Kaworu said...

"I thank you, Shinji. I wished you to take Unit Two from me. Otherwise, I might have survived much longer."

"Kaworu-kun, why?"

"I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. Death is my only chance for absolute liberty."

"What, What are you talking about? Kaworu-kun! I don't understand what you're talking about! Kaworu-kun!"

"My last words. Now, please destroy me. Otherwise, you will be destroyed. Only one life form may escape Armageddon and inherit the future... And you are not the one who should die. You need the future, it is what you live for."

A pause, and Shinji's prisoner, who had been perhaps the only person he could ever truly call his friend, then smiled at him. "I thank you, Shinji. My life was meaningful, because of you."

And there, Shinji kept his oath. To defeat the enemy, the so-called divine messengers, whom Kaworu represented. The last of them. He obeyed, then, not the orders of his father, to kill the "angel" who had invaded, but the last request of his friend. He closed his Eva's fist, felt the life of that slender form slip through his very fingers, and watched that mane of silvery hair plummet to land in the sea of blood below.

Later, he sat on the beach near where he and Kaworu had met, watching the sunset with Misato.

"Kaworu-kun said 'I love you.' To me! I heard those words for the first time... He was like me. Like Ayanami... I loved him. Kaworu-kun should have been the one to survive. He was much better than I am. He should have survived."

"No," Misato's voice cut across from where she stood, not looking at him. "The ones who survive are the ones who have the will to do it. He wished for death. He abandoned the will to live for the sake of a false hope. You were not wrong."

And then, as a numbness began to settle over him, Shinji looked down to the ground at his feet. Sighing, he could only say, "You are cold, Misato-san."

...The Present...

Shinji realized there were tears in his eyes, tears he had thought were dry years earlier. He gritted his teeth, furious with himself for feeling like a weak little boy again, and wanted to shout. He wanted to demand that Kaworu tell him how he could ask a boy to kill his only friend. How he could have betrayed his trust, or how he could have given up so easily. He wanted to be angry, but he could not. There was still too strong a part of him that just wanted to beg for the other's forgiveness. Then, that soft voice that was somehow strong invaded his thoughts once more, and he lifted his eyes to meet Kaworu's own.

"There is nothing to forgive, Shinji-kun," he breathed the words. "You may not understand it now... but you saved me, and redeemed yourself." A pause, and finally that warm smile faded, his eyes lidding. "I am sorry it caused you pain, but you were never truly alone."

"I... wasn't," Shinji realized the words were true, even as they tumbled from his lips. "I remember, now. You were there. The giant of light..."

Lips quirking and eyes glittering in a grin, Kaworu replied, "In the final moments of Third Impact, all were drawn to see their heart's desire. Some saw vain wishes, others saw reality. You saw aspects of yourself that were represented by those around you... And I was pleased to become a part of it." He turned away then, sighing, and asked, "Must we recall the past, though? I too have regrets, Shinji. I regret that in my flesh-born life I was the pawn of SEELE, that I was used... But you have broken the Old Men who would have become the Seven-Eyed God. You completed that which was begun... and now the balance can restore itself."

Not truly understanding all of this, Shinji knew that eventually he would have questions. He would want to understand what Kaworu did about the events of Second and Third Impact, and to know what the true significance of his own involvement had been. But not now. Now was the time to take the advice of Kaworu's song, and to simply make a move. He reached up to take the other boy's hand in his own, and said softly, "The song was good, Kaworu-kun."

Looking a bit surprised but also quite pleased, Kaworu allowed a slow smile to spread across his face. "I see you have grown in heart as much as in body, Shinji. I am... impressed with you."

His cheeks warming, not so much for the praise but for its source, Shinji gave a small bow of his head. "I just... wanted you to know I care about you, too."

"Thank you," the erstwhile messenger answered him softy, "But I never doubted that. I remember, at the end..."

"You remember?"

"Yes." Kaworu's voice grew even quieter, more distant. "With the other... Rei Ayanami. We became the union between Adam and Lilith, connected only by you."

"Yes... I remember it, too. I was afraid, until I saw you." Shinji found that he was surprised to recall this. He had only remembered the maddening confusion that had followed, the cacophony of foreign thoughts merging with his own and interrupting the perfect harmony of Instrumentality. They were silent then for a time, until Shinji suddenly stood.

"Shinji-kun?" Kaworu asked him, as if surprised to see him taking a decisive action on his own.

The other boy just smiled down at him, offering his hand again, and said, "If you like the park, I know someplace else you'll love even more."

A pleased, almost amused smile settling across his features, Kaworu took Shinji's hand and rose. "Then I would be most pleased to see it."

They took their time crossing the city, like boys wandering home from school. A small bakery drew their attention, and they had a dinner of meat buns and sushi from the place across the street. Passing through the area known as the Castro, Kaworu seemed rather distracted by all of the people -- many of whom had no distinguishable gender -- as well as the shops and clubs. "If you think this is something," Shinji laughed, "You should see this place on the weekend." Still, they made their way onward, and eventually found themselves standing atop the two small mountains that pierce the heart of the city, known appropriately as Twin Peaks.

The view was breathtaking. The city and bay lay spread out before them like a festival of glowing spirits dancing through a hall of light and mirrors. Both bridges were sparkling lines stretching across the obsidian water, while a shining barge drifted between them. Market Street was a line of fire down the middle of it all, and the park a mysterious black blot where no light shone. Shinji pointed out each of the places they had been, his voice vibrant with enthusiasm for his chosen home. Kaworu found that he was enchanted in spite of himself, and that he had freely given control of the evening over to the other. This was unexpected, a hidden treasure unearthed from a perfect evening.

"You are happy here," the pale young man finally observed, his smile now turning wistful.

"Well, yes," Shinji answered, turning from where he'd been pointing out the old prison across the water. He studied Kaworu's features, pausing in his explanation, and suddenly he was a boy again. Standing beside Misato on the hills outside Toyko-3, after the first time he'd piloted the war machine known as Evangelion. It was just that same kind of moment. She'd been showing him her home, then, and trying to make him see. Only now did he understand what that really meant. Home. Which suddenly brought a question to mind. "You're... staying here, aren't you?"

"Here?" Kaworu questioned, glancing down at the mountain below.

"No, I mean... in the city," Shinji said, but then stopped. He drew a slow breath, and moved closer to Kaworu. He added in a murmur, "With me. Kaworu, stay with me."

"Of course, Shinji." Kaworu's smile seemed to steal away the lights of the city, pooling all their power into his eyes. "What I told you before is still true. Do you remember?"

How could he forget? Shinji leaned forward then, and surprised the other boy by sliding his arms around his waist and drawing him close in a tight, almost crushing hug. "I'll never forget. Kaworu, what I wanted you to know is... I love you too. I always have, ever since." There were tears in his eyes, then, as the words came out.

"Shinji..." the other began, but then fell silent. This was a moment that needed no words, and they both realized it. Instead, he completed the embrace, resting their heads together, and let the quiet music of the night -- a sound which only they, of all those in the city, could hear -- wash over him.

To be continued…

Author's Comments:

Okay, so this was a long time in coming. For those actually reading it, thanks for bearing with me! I'm very busy lately, particularly due to school, and my personal life has left me somewhat frazzled. This chapter is a bit shorter than the first, I know, but it felt right to end it here. I have more planned, and will write it as soon as I can. Please feel free to offer critique along with commentary, though if you do so try to make it constructive. Thanks!