Note; This Chapter is from the point of view of Tala's father. The title refers to his reference to Lolita. I have also laced a few Lolita quotes inside. The point of this chapter is to basically introduce Tala's father as a character. Sorry if it seems rushed.
Chapter 8 …Fire Of My Loins…
In college we read a book called Lolita. It was from the point of view of Humbert Hunbert. The overly romanticised but still oddly lovable paedophile. The book made me uncomfortable; it made any normal person uncomfortable. It was about a man lusting after a child, a girl of twelve…or thirteen, I forget which. The point was that back then I was normal…back then I could never image loving a child.
'Light of my life…'
It started out with the best of intentions. My wife had been damaged during the birth of our only child. We had always wanted a large family. We waited a while in hopes that by some miracle my wife would get pregnant again even though we were told it was not possible, we hoped that this would be like one of those TV movies…it never happened.
'…Fire of my loins…'
I am not sure how we settled on fostering. I know that at one point we were dead set on adoption…opinions change I guess. I left most of these decisions to my wife, after all she would be the one that ended up doing most of the work.
'…My sin…'
We waited for a long time before we were allowed the chance to finally foster a child. There are security checks and waiting lists after all. We Didn't mind, it gave us a chance to get ready. And when the time came we finally thought we were.
'…My soul…'
I don't know if it hit me when I first saw him or later. Either way he was an uncommonly beautiful child. My wife's heart was melted when she read about him, picked up in the airport with a drug runner, things like that…my eyes never left him long enough to read the reports. We excepted him straight away.
'Lolita'
Within a week of his arrival things had changed, it was like he took one look at me and knew. So while the others smiled and fussed I tired to ignore him and whenever it started to get to me, whenever I started to feel something like the beginnings of lust I would pull out my old copy of Lolita and I would remember my disgust.
It took him three weeks to seduce me. Like a drug pusher each time he would take it a little further until I was addicted, then it was time to pay.
It started his third day at dinner. He would stare at me until he had my attention then as I watching slowly pick up his fork from his plate a push a piece of sausage past those heavenly lips.
I had never been attracted to men in my life let alone a boy. I was shocked at my reaction.
The seventh day he seemed to be on a banana rich diet. Every time I saw he was pulling in and out of his mouth, using his teeth to scrape away the surface and then sucking on the gooey ends working his way further and further down…never biting, never breaking the top. I would have broken down right then and there if my own son hadn't begun to copy him, it disturbed me enough to snap me out of my daze.
Because of his situation he hadn't arrived with many clothes. By the tenth day he had decided that the best solution to that problem was to wear as little as possible.
I couldn't understand why he wanted my attention. I didn't know then that he was starting a little business, that he was leading on everyone not just me…
Most of the things he did were quite subtle. I was almost a hundred percent sure that my wife had not noticed a thing and for that I was glad, it meant that no matter what I was thinking things could go on as normal.
The day I broke down was the day I caught him with another man.
'ladies and gentleman of the jury I wasn't even her first lover..'
It was David Grainger, the man who lived down the street and looked after a child about Kai's age. I should have been furious, I should have run down there broken things up and called the police. I should have but I didn't, those thoughts didn't even cross my mind until later. All I could think was that I wasn't the first, that if I gave in I wouldn't be the one that ruined him…it was all I needed to wash away the guilt. At least for a while.
Afterwards he offered me a cigarette and I cried.
I felt scared, angry and paranoid. I thought that everybody knew. I couldn't look my wife or son in the face. I couldn't even be in the same room as Kai.
Eventually I got over it. I think that you can tell what kind of a man you are by how long it takes you to get over these things. A good man would never get over it. I was going to hell. I knew that and still I went back to him.
We were alone in the house, my wife having taken Tala to see her mother. He asked me for twenty pounds and I took him on the kitchen table. We ate there late that day and acted as if nothing had happened.
Because of our living arrangements I didn't get the same amount of time the other men did, I had to make my time count. Often things would be reduced to a quick fumble in the bathroom when I had gone to brush my teeth, I never showered alone if I could help it.
Kai had turned his body into quite the franchise. Some times when I walked him and Tala to school I would try to count just how many of the neighbourhood fathers couldn't quite meet my eyes. I prayed to god that they would not touch Tala as well. Sometimes the walk felt dangerous like I was leading meat past ravenous wolves.
I think that we were all shocked when Kai killed David. Like the monsters we were we worried more about the police investigation than we were about what we had done to Kai.
I was so paranoid that we would get caught I even wrote out my confession. I don't know how Kai found out but the threat in his eyes was very clear. He said that he would handle it all and he did. How could the cops resist?
We backed off after that. All the neighbourhood men deciding to cut their losses…cold turkey is not the best way to quit, I swear my hands were shaking.
I had grown quite good at living my two lives, I hid my copy of Lolita on top of my wardrobe, burned my confession and tried not to think about it.
Everything would have been fine if I hadn't made that one grievous error. I have never seen anything as cold as my wife's eyes the night I called out his name.
We never told Tala why we were fighting so much, we never explained why suddenly I had moved into another room but I think he knew. I think that he had known all along. What shocked me was that he never seemed angry at Kai about it.
I was about ready to cut my losses. Unbelievably my wife had disappointed me when she hadn't reported me to the police, I had always thought that she was more moral than that, instead she let us get on with it. She still cooked us meals.
With my own room I finally had the time I felt I needed with Kai. He would be there sometimes late at night, sometimes early in the morning. He would never spend the night
"Do you love your wife?" he asked me one day as I rolled off him spent.
"Yes." I answered wondering if it was even true anymore.
"How?"
"I am very fond of her company and…" I didn't know.
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"More than anything."
"More than your wife?"
"Yes. I would do anything for you."
"Anything?" he asked rolling over and sitting above me.
"Anything."
"Good."