Note: Hello. this chapter is from the POV of Tala's mother (Except the bit at the beginning of course.)
PS, Strangers In Paradise is By Terry Moore and the quote is partial guess work as my memory is sketchy.
Chapter 16 Attachment and Loss
The lessons sometimes lasted hours; hands on skin, tongues, and mouths.
Boys too young to cum anything but clear liquid forcing it out of each other over and over again.
The crowding around the monitors; watching tapes and commenting on each other performances without quite knowing what the act was about. There was no room for modesty, or pride.
Out of all the students it was the red eyed student and the long haired Chinese boy that excelled.
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Tala had been upset when I left him to sleep of his fatigue upstairs, I'd given him half a sleeping pill to try and avoid his questions and accusations about my knowledge of the event. Tala was a smart boy, but he was stupid when it came to Kai and I was hoping that we could use that to shield him from the truth.
When Kai had asked me to call Dr Green I was shocked he was the areas GP (General Practitioner) and although he wasn't the family's doctor he had popped in to check up on Tala many times when he was ill. I had been numb to what the people of my street had been doing for a while but knowing that Dr Green was part of it filled me with more disgust than I ever remember feeling before.
Tala was fine. When I had found them I had panicked, no mother wants to find her child in that condition and when Kai spoke to give me orders I could have killed him. I didn't know what had happened but I knew that it must be Kai's fault.
But it wasn't Kai's fault it was my husbands. The fact that the man I had married…but it was Kai that hit Tala. We got bits and pieces of the story off Kai as we worked. Kai was suffering from a concussion; I had wondered why he was so talkative.
After a while Kai and Dr Green had disappeared downstairs probably intimidated by the scrutiny with which I watched them. I left them alone for a while; in Kai's condition there was not much they could do anyway and I doubted that my husband would attack Kai while someone was with him.
When I finally came downstairs Kai was sat at the kitchen table uncomfortably obviously trying not to rest all of his weight on his sore behind. I felt sorry for him really; although we had never really gotten on in anything other than a business sense he was still a child; sometimes I forgot what a young child he was, younger than my Tala even.
I made some hot chocolate and placed it in front of Kai and took the seat across from him. He looked tired; like a seventy year old stuck in a thirteen year olds body, a seventy year old that had just seen and done too much to ever truly rest. What have we done to this child? I felt like screaming; but was it all really our fault? After all any problems that Kai had he brought with him. He'd brought prostitution into my house along with manipulation and lies. We had been happy before him, hadn't we? I couldn't remember anymore; maybe I was afraid to.
"What did the doctor say?" I asked to fill the silence.
"That maybe I should go to a hospital and that I shouldn't sleep for a while because of the concussion. He'll be back in the morning to check me again."
"What did you and the doctor talk about?" I asked knowing that the real examination had taken place upstairs.
"Revenge," was his simple answer.
"Will you kill my husband then? Like you did the Grainger man?" maybe I was afraid of his answer.
"No. I don't think any of us want the police involved."
"Then he won't be punished?" now I knew that I was disappointed.
"I didn't say that either. He will get a kind of warning. He has to learn that what he did can't happen again. I was careless that I let it happen once."
He blamed himself. I had to admit that it shocked me. I knew that in allot of ways he was an abused child but I was never aware of his abused child mentality. It seemed wrong on him. I had always imagined him stronger than that.
There I go again forgetting that he is a child…
"It wasn't your fault. He's a fully grown man how could you stop him?" I couldn't believe that I was trying to comfort him.
"I stopped Grainger." His voice was bitter.
"You killed him. You didn't want to kill my husband."
"I didn't have the chance; he snuck up behind me. I was careless. I should have remembered that he was still in the house and that he was a threat. I won't be so stupid twice."
"You're a kid! And anyway why would you think it a lapse in your judgement, you couldn't possibly know what he was going to do."
"I should have guessed."
I couldn't argue with him there would have been no point.
"Then get one of your clients to do something. They would do anything for you it's like having an entire army at your command."
"No, this started because one of them decided that he was in love with me. I won't lead one of them on like that as well. At the moment the rest of them aren't so careless."
Love. That was what it all came down to, love. My husband didn't love me anymore he loved a young boy. He loved him so much he raped him and beat him. I'm glad that he didn't love me like that I don't think I would have survived.
Were they all in love with him that way then? Already one had tried to rape him and another had succeeded. Was that the only type of love Kai inspired? An insane angry obsessive violent kind of love? This is embarrassing to admit but before this all started I was a bit of a romantic. Me and my friend Judy would go out of our way to find romantic novels, films and even and this is where it gets even more embarrassing…comics. I know a grown woman etc etc etc…what's worse is the most romantic comic I ever read was Strangers In Paradise a comic about two women in love. Speaking to Kai had one quote circling in my head;
'I think that what it all comes down to us love. I've seen what happens with it, I've seen what happens without it. I know what the consequences are.'
And which was it? Was it too much love that was getting to Kai? Or none? Everyone claimed to love him but did they? Did they really? And what about him did he love anybody? Was he even capable? His smiles were so empty that they made me uncomfortable.
"Kai what was your mother like?"
"You've asked me this before."
"And you said dead."
"And she was. Even when she was alive she was dead."
"How did she die?"
"She had me. She had me and it killed her."
"She died in childbirth?"
"She died at conception."
"I don't…"
"My father raped her. She hated me."
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. I don't care about the opinions of a corpse." the words should have sounded bitter; but there was not enough emotion even for that.
"Did you love her?"
"I wouldn't know how. My head hurts."
"I know, but you just had some pain killers so I can't give you more."
"Does it scare you? The things your husband did, they weren't the actions of a sane man."
"No I…"
"Aren't you worried about yourself or Tala?"
"He was only after…"
"Me. I broke our deal didn't I?"
"You didn't choose to, it's ok."
"If he can't have me again he might go after Tala."
"Why? He's his son."
"He's pretty and not that much older than me."
"He would never do that to Tala."
"Really? You saw him hit Tala the other week."
"Yes but…what can I do?"
"You told the doctor that you would handle your husband."
And I had hadn't I, I had said that. But what could I do?…no Kai was right what if he came after Tala? Could I live with myself if that happened? Images of the state of Kai's body when he was examined flashed through my mind.
"I know you'll do the right thing, the way you look after Tala…it's nothing like the way my mum was with me. You would protect your son to the end rather than sell him to the highest bidder."
Kai was right I had to do something. I gathered his mug and sent him into the living room (he still wasn't allowed to sleep). I had to stop my husband, but I couldn't kill him…I couldn't kill anyone.
As he left the room Kai smiled at me. It looked so wrong and only strengthened my resolve. I would show Kai what a real mother would do.