The Heart's Castle
It's been said that neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in it, and psychiatrists collect the rent. Veronica can't afford the bill, so she learned to cope like everyone else.
Veronica broke ground the day Duncan Kane dumped her unceremoniously in the halls of Neptune High. He was her first boyfriend, first love and first experience of pain and rejection. She cried and cried and cried for days. Lilly told her it wouldn't hurt so much if she didn't give her heart openly like she did.
She was already pouring cement into the foundation the day Lilly died. Nothing had prepared her for something as devastating as this. Her sorrow over Duncan was only a fraction of what she was feeling. So this is real loss, she thought, fighting tears that always threatened to fall. They had always been a team. Boys will come and go but they will always have each other. Now she was truly alone.
By the time her mother deserted them and her father was ostracized for accusing Jake Kane of murdering his own daughter, construction was already in full swing. Once steel beams were installed, Veronica carefully piled up bricks to deflect any insult thrown her path. It was hard, and she cried often in her bedroom at night, but she knew nothing can hurt her once she was safely confined in her fortress. But it was only after Shelly Pomroy's party that construction went into overdrive. Three weeks and four days later, Fort Mars was completed in record time and ready for occupancy.
It was, by no means, was an extravagant structure. It was a medium-sized castle, furnished with all the luxuries she was accustomed to, complete with the requisite iron gates, alligator-filled moat, and vast courtyard. She kept her Lilly Kane Murder Investigation Files in the east tower. She locked her heart in the west. Her dirty little secrets were locked and kept in the dredges of the dungeon. The entire area was littered with her memories with Lilly.
The place was secure and heavily guarded. She had a dungeon, where all her dirty little secrets were kept. She kept and maintained vast and varied collections of weapons in her arsenal. She armed the perimeter with silent alarms, security camera, 1,200 Backups, booby traps, exploding bongs, and other contraptions she could think of. She even installed an escape hatch and self-destruct mechanism in the unlikely event of infiltration.
So it was within this strong and impregnable stronghold that Veronica decided to hide in all throughout junior year.
It's not so bad, she told herself, it did not hurt as much each time Duncan looks into her eyes and fails to acknowledge her presence in front of his 09er friends. I get to be myself, she once mused over an exceptionally bland Salisbury steak she ordered in the cafeteria. I don't have kiss anyone's sweet little behind, she thought, as she sat alone in her table, while the remains of her former life stood in front of her and mocked her openly.
Gradually, she came into her own and discovered there could be life after Lilly. She made friends with the people she helped – Wallace, Weevil, Meg, Mac, and at one point, Casey. She offered them a glimpse into her true nature as a person and friend. Wallace was the first person to sneak a peek past the iron gates. He laughed at what he saw, said that underneath that very angry and cynical façade lies a soft and fluffy marshmallow core. She dismissed his observations even though they were true, because what he saw was merely a shadow of the good girl she once was.
Except her father who was granted partial access from time to time, no one was allowed inside the premises of her heart's castle. Not even Wallace, her new best friend, whom she always met at the gates. Not even one-time boyfriend Deputy Leo, who never understood why they always had to meet in a clandestine location far away from her little fortress. Not even Duncan Kane, who, truth be told, she'll gladly take back if he gave her the time of day. And certainly not Logan Echolls, Lilly's psychotic and jackass ex-boyfriend who made it his life's mission to torment her for her father's "transgression."
It was a pleasant yet terrifying surprise to seen him casually poring through her files in the east turret. He was puzzled, and she was relieved he had not asked more than he should. He suddenly understood the need to exhaust your resources trying to find closure. They were not friends, but they were no longer enemies. The loss of both their mothers made them closer than expected. Ben's attempt on her brought them together. And the rest are anecdotes archived in the annals of history.
There was an attraction bordering on lust, she couldn't deny that, and God knows they didn't make out as often as she wanted to. And it was strange how not strange that was. They tremendously enjoyed each other's company and understood each other more than anyone can. They both love Lilly deeply, and they still mourn their loss. They were bound together by the tragedies in their lives.
She panicked when she caught him fiddling with her heart's lock. She hadn't known how firmly he entrenched himself in her psyche until she did everything in her power to throw him out. She stood him up on their date and accused him of drugging and raping her. He wouldn't budge and tried to apologize to her even when she wouldn't listen. He held her hand and called her his girlfriend, but gave her space when she told him she was not ready. He gave her his trust and, in return, asked for hers. But she could not give it completely. She was wary; a few moments in heaven cannot compensate for her time in hell.
So when she found out he lied about his alibi and evidence supported Beaver's account that Logan was in Neptune at the time of Lilly's murder, she flung him to the wolves without a second thought, despite a nagging voice in her head telling her to exercise some restraint. She told herself she was doing it for Lilly. In truth, she was also doing it for herself, to get away from the boy who wanted her to have faith again.
Despite that she still drove to the Kane estate upon hearing his angry and tearful declaration of his innocence. Some parts of her wanted to prove him wrong. Some parts wanted to believe him desperately. Most parts of her wanted to solve Lilly's murder once and for all and move on when this nightmare is over.
She was elated and relieved to find evidence that proved her wrong. Though Logan's letter was never found, Lilly had hidden tapes documenting her tryst with a man they knew well. It was Logan's father, Aaron Echolls, the recently eligible star of Pursuit of Happiness and Breaking Point, who killed Lilly because she threatened to expose their affair.
She still blames herself for everything that happened next. She curses herself for not heeding her father's advice. She knows that if she listened to people who have her best interest at heart, she wouldn't be in precarious situations she often found herself in. She wouldn't be in her car hostage to Aaron Echolls' wrath and hostility. She blames herself for refusing to trust anyone other than herself, knowing full well that is the reason she's alone in the dark, locked in a freezer, in the middle of nowhere. She knows as long as she's afraid to trust her heart to feel anything but indifference, this is exactly where she will always be: alone in the dark, locked someplace inside herself.
When the ordeal was over and Aaron is in the custody of police, Veronica exhaustedly dusted herself off and grudgingly made her way home. Despite everything that transpired that night, her castle was very much intact. She had built it well; she is safe and still very much alone.
She collapsed on her bed and drifted off to sleep.
She dreamed of Lilly, and she knew her friend can finally rest in peace.
She woke up to the sound of someone knocking on her door. She got up and tried to steady herself on her feet. She's tired of carrying her burdens alone. She's tired of hiding within herself. She finally understood that she cannot move forward with her walls pushing her back.
She has to let her guard down, but she is not strong enough to do it alone.
She slowly walked towards the door. Her body trembled with each step. She's unsure which is louder: the pounding on her door or the beating of her heart. She took a deep breath and braced herself. There was only one person who can be waiting behind that door at this ungodly hour. The same person brave enough to push her buttons and tear her citadel down.
She dropped her gates and opened the door. She looked into his soft brown eyes. She smiled warmly, and welcomed him into her fold.
"I was hoping it would be you."