Authors Note: I'm soooooo sorry that it took so long to get this chapter out. I was having a lot of trouble on how I thought the characters needed to react to what was happening. I'm still not sure that I got it or not but right now it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm tired and I know that I'm not going to have any more time to write for another couple weeks. So I'm giving you guys this story now since it'll be awhile before I get another chapter out. School is going to start sucking again really soon so I'm not going to have a lot of time. I hope this is good enough for now. Maybe I'll revise it later on. Thanks for all the reviews and I hope I'm keeping you're guys' attention.

Dana

Chapter Six

And Let the Rain Fall

As quietly as possible I opened the door to Spike's house as I stepped in from the rain infested night, praying that no one was around to hear me. I don't know how long I had been gone. All I knew was that it was long enough for people to start worrying. I had to get away from it all though. The things I saw, the things I felt, I knew that none of it even compared to what Angel had been feeling at the time. My thoughts and feelings on the mater where miniscule when measured against his. I think that's what scares me the most.

By the end of the dream I was willing to do anything just so the pain would stop. The constant thumping of bad memories inside my head were refusing to settle down and to know that just from that I was willing to end my own existence… to live it had to worse.

The images of blood and death kept bouncing around in my head. Over and over again they'd trudge to the surface… Cordelia's blank stare, Dawnie and her beautiful little girl, Leon's cruel smile, and then… Mira.

That by far was the most puzzling image of all. When she came to mind a wave of other emotions would crash down with it. I didn't know whether I should scream or cry when thinking of her. Angel and Connor hadn't even mentioned her, not once. So did that mean she was dead? Or just that the two of them had given up hope?

I sighed and leaned against the closed door as my mind kept drawing a blank on what to do next. I knew that I should go and talk to Angel, tell him what I had saw. But how could I? He didn't want me to know all that. He purposely didn't tell me about Dawn and Willow's death because he didn't want me to carry that. So now was I supposed to go in there and yell at him for lying to me? Or was I supposed to break down in tears in front of him, sharing the pain of the past with him?

"Buffy?" Opening my eyes I saw Connor's worried form from across the room.

"Hey," I said, trying to give him some sort of weak smile.

"God Buffy, where have you been? We've been looking all over for you."

"Sorry, I had to get some fresh air."

Connor looked at me strangely trying to read the emotions that refused to come to the surface. "Is everything okay?"

"No," I didn't have the strength to even lie. Not tonight anyways.

"Anything I can do?"

"Not really. It's kind of something I have to deal with on my own." He nodded his head, seeming to understand. He proceeded to walk away, giving me the peace that I was asking for. "Connor? Wait." I pushed myself off of the wood door behind me and ran until I was a few feet behind him. "There is one thing you could do for me."

"Anything."

"Who's Mira?"

And with those words the room froze. Connor looked at me with wide eyes, his breathing becoming faster, his heart beating almost to the point that I could hear it.

"What did you just say?"

"Who's Mira?" I repeated.

He roughly grabbed my arm and dragged me into another room, shutting the door behind us. "How do you know about Mira?" He whispered harshly.

"Answer my question and I'll answer yours." I wasn't letting him get out of this.

Inches from my face Connor starred at me, daring me to back down. Every detail about him was screaming at me, yelling at me to just try something. So like countless times before, I stood my ground

Slowly his grip on my arm lessened until he had let go as he backed himself to the other side of the room. Almost as if it were too painful to be near me. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath, calming the rage inside.

"I can't answer your question."

"You can't? Or you won't?" He turned from me running a hand through his unruly hair. "Don't play dumb with me Connor because I've had it up to here with this bullshit. I just spent the last couple hours wandering around town with the vision of my sister lying dead in my mind. Of her girl hung from a damn closet!" I marched up to him forcing him to look at me, to see the anger, the suffering that I was feeling right now. "Tell me who she is or I swear to God you'll regret it."

"No." The single syllable came out as a whisper. But in my mind in rang loud and clear. "It's not my place to tell you. It's his."

I stood still. He was right. I knew that even before he uttered the words. This wasn't about him. It wasn't even about me. But if I wanted to know the whole story, not just flashes of it, I had to ask Angel. Connor wasn't the man I needed at the moment.

"I'm sorry." I backed off of him immediately as I realized that I was more then invading his personal bubble. "You're right. Angel's the one that needs to do this. He's the one that has to do this."

Gathering every drop of strength that I had I turned on my heal and left. I don't think I would've been able to stop myself from what I was about to do even if I wanted to. Some unknown force was guiding me it seemed. Every bone in my body screamed, wanting to know that truth. Wanting to know the secret that lied beneath.

Sounds of flesh hitting leather reached my ears first. As I stood in his doorway all I could see was his furious pounding of the leather bag before him. He hadn't moved all this time. He was still hitting the damn bag. Small flecks of blood had been spattered on the dark leather though, letting me know that his knuckles had long ago cracked and split from the pressure they were under. The muscles in his back were moving under his skin with each throw of his fist and as I leaned on the doorjamb one thought kept swimming in my mind. How was he still standing? After everything that had happened, how was he still strong?

Because he has to be.

It was that simple. He had to be strong. It didn't matter that he had endured hell on earth these past couple years, it didn't matter that he had been to hell itself. People depended on him. People that didn't even know his name depended on him and that's the only reason why he was still alive. Once Leon was dead, even if we found some sort of cure, something to detach the connection between the two of them, he'd still die. Leon was the only reason why he was here. The people that died in Leon's name every day needed Angel to stay strong, to fight. And when the time came, he would. He'd fight until there was nothing left and then somehow he'd find the strength to keep fighting. Fight until he knew that Leon wasn't a threat anymore. 'Till the sun came, until children weren't afraid to smile anymore, until laughter rang out on the streets once again. And then?

Then he'd die. He'd give up. His destiny would be fulfilled.

I don't know why I chose this moment to be the moment of clarity for me. But that's what it was. I knew it all along I just didn't want to admit it. Tears pricked my eyes as the truth came to the surface. The Powers that Be were never going to give us a chance at a normal life. Anger filled every crack in me. After every damn thing that we have done for them, are still going to do for them, they'll still shoot us down in the end. Because warriors didn't get happily ever afters. They live to help make the world a better place and that was it.

So why doesn't that bother me? Why doesn't the fact that we're pretty much pawns in some sort of sick game of chess bother me? But then you bring fourth a man like Angel, a man that's whole being is dedicated to saving the lives of others and the harsh reality that he'll die when this ends… why does that piss me off so much? All I can do is pray that I'm there in the end. That I know that he'll be at peace when he dies.

A sob finally escaped my throat at the last thought. It had been building up inside me for to long now and when released my hand came up as it tried to stifle the sound of hopelessness. But it was too late.

The sounds of punching stopped as his eyes turned to meat mine. "Buffy?" A flicker of his old self was on the surface. His eyes quickly hardened though as he remembered that he was supposed to hate me. I quickly wiped away the fallen tears.

"Hi," It came out horse and soft and I could tell that he was trying to fight the urge of taking me into his arms. "Can we talk? And before you say anything just listen." I walked in and shut the door so the outside world wouldn't intrude. "I talked with Julia today. Well, not really talked but… She showed me some things. Helped me…" I took a deep breath, "to understand what's been going on." I looked down at the floor trying to decide what my next words should be.

"Is there a point to this?" The softness in which he said my name with had long since disappeared and the angry being that he was, was left standing.

"Who's Mira?" I said it without even meaning too. It just slipped out, but I wasn't going to apologize, or tell him he didn't have to answer that. The sooner things were out in the open the better.

He stopped breathing. Something that he didn't really need to do in the first place but for as long as I knew him he always did. It was a strand of humanity that he was trying to cling onto. But with those two simple words humanity didn't matter anymore.

"I know she's your daughter but…" But what? But is she dead? Was she real to even begin with? Or was that whole dream just something that Julia cooked up to hurt me? To hurt him? The look on his face told me no.

"How…?"

"Like I said before. Julia showed me some things. Who is she Angel?"

"You seem to already know the answer to that?"

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't stand there and beat around the bush! I know she exists, I know she was your daughter, Connors sister, and I know that she's partly the reason for everything that is going on between us!"

"Don't you dare bring her into our problems Buffy." His hands fisted together, forming a tight knit.

"Then talk to me! Stop shutting me out! Angel, have you ever thought that maybe the reason why I'm here, the reason why I was brought back was to help you? I could make things so much easier if you would just open up to me here!"

"I don't need to open up."

"Angel…"

"NO! I don't need to share my damn feelings Buffy! You're not a part of my life anymore, and you don't need to know anymore of my past then you already do."

"Well guess what Angel? I am a part of your life now whether you like it or not! I was brought back here for a reason and you know it!"

"I'm not doing this." He grabbed his coat and pushed his way out of the room and into the thundering night.

The weather had worsened since I had gotten home. Thunder and lightning flashed across the sky. Any other night I would have laughed and found it almost cliché on how the weather seemed to reflect my mood, but laughter didn't belong here at the moment.

"Don't walk away from this Angel. For once in your life don't walk away."

"Oh here we go again." He said wheeling back around. "Why does everything always come back to that night, huh? It's in the past. It's done, it's over with."

"I don't care about that night right now Angel! What I care about is you! You're running yourself into the ground here and I know that I can help if you'd only let me!" I was shouting to him, trying to be heard over the rain.

"That's the thing though Buffy. I don't want your help. I don't need your help!" His breathing had returned again, ragged and harsh.

"Angel you're going to kill yourself if you keep this up."

"Is that supposed to upset me?"

"No. I know it doesn't upset you. I know it doesn't mean a damn thing to you. All that matters to you is killing Leon."

"And why is that such a bad thing?"

"Because! Angel if you spend the rest of your life focusing and obsessing over one thing then that's all your life was. You don't want to find yourself bitter like this down the road. You want to kill Leon? That's fine. I encourage that. Hell the devil himself probably encourages that! But you stop caring for yourself, stop worrying about the people around you, the people that love you, then you're just turning yourself into Angelus. Another soulless being that walks the earth."

"Why are you doing this?" He put his hands to his head and pulled at his soaked hair. "If you had seen the things I had seen, hear every single cry that went on…"

"I did! Angel I saw everything. That's what I've been trying to tell you! Julia showed me your past, showed me how Dawn and Willow died, showed me the death of Cordelia and the others, showed me your daughter." He stood in front of me quiet now. Not even the rain seemed to affect us. My voice carried over it as it tried to break through the wall Angel had built around him. "I felt what you felt in that dream. When I woke up, my first thought was that I wanted to die."

"So you dreamed a couple snap shots of my past. Try living it. Try dealing with the memories and the voices and the smell of your friend's blood in your head for years upon years and then maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to know a fraction of what I'm feeling."

"That's what I'm trying to say. I know nothing I do is going to make it better. Nothing I say is going to take away that pain. All I'm asking is for you to let me carry some of that burden. To help you through all of this. Please. Don't do this by yourself anymore."

Silence.

I couldn't even hear the rain anymore. Its drops fell on me, running down my now soaked skin, but I couldn't hear them. Everything I was was focused on the man before me.

"That's all I know how to do." His voice softened allowing his hand came up. Gently his fingers brushed away a few strand of hair as he caressed my cheek. I didn't move though. I was afraid that if I did he would run. "I'm the only thing I can trust at the moment." And just a suddenly as it happened, his hand dropped away and the cold steal came back to his eyes. "Now get away from me."

He turned on his heal and started walking away, disappearing into the thickness of the dark. How many times had I seen his back like this? Walking away, leaving me alone once again. It wasn't happening. Not this time around.

"No."

He stopped not bothering to turn around. But he still stopped.

"I'm not leaving you."

Thunder cracked over head as the heavens wept, and the two of us walked on. Silence overtook us but we were together. And in the end, that's all that matters.

Isn't it?