Search for all that is Holy

Written by: AngelsRCryin

Rating: PG

Summary: Cloud's thoughts before being sent on finding the Key of the Ancients, inside the Forgotten City, revisiting it for the first time since Aerith's death. AerithxCloud Oneshot.

I paused before taking a step into the Sleeping Forest. It was almost too dreadful to have to come back here, to remember what after my coma I had almost forgotten- that Aerith was murdered not far from here. That she died not far from here.

Maybe, if our meeting had not been so sudden, or if she hadn't run away without telling me what was on her mind… despite all this… I still feel some part of me is to blame. I gave Sephiroth the Black Materia. I know now it wasn't completely my fault, or maybe that's just what everyone, in particularly Tifa, keeps telling me.

Aerith… If I wasn't forced to come back here now, I don't think I could handle it with a free mind. You left us something. Some hope. Some sort of dream. I came here with Nanaki and Vincent to find that out precisely.

You told me you were going to protect the planet from Meteor, at the time I didn't understand how. I still don't. You said "I'll come back when it's all over." Are you still going to keep that promise? I don't know anymore if I can trust you to that…

Deep in my heart I should, shouldn't I?

I've found out the truth about my own past… but I'm still confused. About you. About your sacrifice…

I'm worried… if you'll ever forgive me for what I've done? For my lack of control, for my weakness. Somehow in my life I always manage to be weak to those I cherish… I'm starting to doubt whether I can ever gain revenge on Sephiroth this way. I let you down, Aerith.

I let you down…

Aerith… are you part of the planet now? Because I am not an Ancient I don't think you'll be able to answer… but shouldn't that not matter?

I have a question for you, if you can hear these thoughts, take them in: Did you love me?

The shells are hard under my feet in this place, this Forgotten City. I look all around me and all I feel is this foreboding aura as if something bad once again will happen. I feel it every time I come here. Is it because the Ancients used to live here? Is it because you were killed here?

I'm almost in tears thinking about it.

I can still remember holding your lifeless body in my arms, pleading, screaming to Sephiroth at my anger. Is he right? Am I a puppet? Or am I a real person with feelings? I have to have feelings, because right then, when I caught you… I had never felt a hate, a love, or a sorrow so deep in my life that I can truly remember.

My mind keeps wandering, trying to escape the memory of you, and the feeling of how helpless I was… The ocean has always been a symbol of life since the Ancients' time. I thought it was good to bury you there. It just felt right. Felt respectful, like a soldier who died at sea.

You were a lot like a soldier. Brave. Loyal. Honest. Everything a respected woman like you, an Ancient, should've been. You were always a symbol of life, of hope, of innocence, of untaintedness… Like the ocean that is life, you were calm.

From the simple gestures of moving your hand to remove brunette locks from your eyes, from the gentle glow of your healing spells when I was dying, your beautiful voice when I was lost…

Where is that voice now?

Buried somewhere here.

I swear to you, I will avenge you Aerith.

I will find you again.