Title: An Assassin and white porsche 10?

Author: Seraphim Grace
Archive: if you want it ask.
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.
Rating: PG-13.

Pairings: CrawfordxAya, OmixNagi
Warnings: Really bad comedy.

Spoilers: None really.

Nagi awoke from a deep sleep to a rousing back beat and someone shout-singing the words "I want to gut you like an animal.(1)" It took him a whole moment to realise that it wasn't his alarm clock and those weren't the actual words. He looked across at Omi who was sound asleep with his cast flung out over the pillow in his single divan, (a second of which had been set up for Nagi) and showed no signs of waking. "I want to see all your insides," the voice bellowed as carefully, delicately, Nagi climbed out of his bed and found his way into the corridor.

He managed the few steps to the staircase worried about walking abroad in what was supposed to be his enemy's home, when he met Ken. "You shouldn't be out of bed." Ken said, crossing his arms and trying his best to look stern. It was a look that was ruined by the yellow paint stain on his black and white zebra print kevlar and the fact that he was wearing a rubber mask. He was also emitting a rather foul stench. At another time Nagi might even have laughed at him, but he just wanted to go back to bed.

"Smell bad." (2) He stammered, trying not to let his eyes water and using his power to hold his nose.

"I got stink bombed." Ken growled, "stupid punks, they dropped paint on me and then smashed stink bombs off my armour. I had to come home smelling like this."

Let his body hit the floor! (3)- the voice sang loudly.

"Look," Ken said, "go back to bed, Aya's in a temper and nothing's going to stop it until morning at the best, I'll see if I can get him to turn down the noise." He looked exhausted, "and hopefully we'll all get some sleep."

"Ken-chan." A woman's voice called up at the window. Ken literally dived behind Nagi. Despite that they were safely inside Ken was squatting behind him to hide as much of his much larger frame behind the willowy boy.

"Don't let her take me." He said cowering, "I don't care that I stink, oh, kami-sama she followed me home."

On his head the words Nagi said came out as an eloquent demand for explanation of how Ken got covered in the things they made stink bombs from and why there was what was obviously a female super villain at the door, what he said in reality with a head half fogged with sleep was "smell bad"

I've got nothing to do but hang around and bloody murder you(4) - Aya sang.

Nagi decided to give into the only impulse he could with one assassin singing loudly and off key words that weren't right but fit anyway, and one cowering behind him, he swore, loudly. Well he intended to but it came out "smell bad."

It was then that Yohji decided to make his appearance known, running out of the bathroom with one hand over his eyes in a rather melodramatic fashion, the other was clutching a magazine, shouting "Asuka."

Ken groaned. "Okay," he said, straightening up, "who left their manga in the bathroom this time.(5)" He rolled his eyes.

Omi stumbled his way down the stairs looking cutely sleep mussed, his hand on the wall to hold him steady.

"Ken-kun, what's wrong?" He asked.

"Ken-chan." Kazumi shouted up at the window again.

"Asuka!" Yohji moaned.

Come on baby be on fire (6)- Aya sang.

Ken rolled his eyes and slipped from Hidaka Ken into Siberian, "I'll deal with Yohji, Nagi, you deal with Aya and Omi, you can deal with the mad woman who followed me home where normally I'd just set Yohji on her."

"'Kay," Omi said sleepily, making his way down to the back door.

Aya Fujimiya was in a death rage, it was slightly worse than the usual Takatori death rage, but not by much. He was torn between killing Crawford and phoning him up and begging him to come over. He wasn't sure if he wanted to eviscerate his rival or just outdo them. He also toyed with thoughts of killing Grayson for telling him. The more confused over the situation he got the more angry he got, and the more angry he got the more confused he got, till he took the classical music out of the CD player and got greatest metal hits to sing along with. He wondered about compiling a cd of mp3's called So you want to murder your lover. Part of him even wanted to cry and that bit he was especially not fond of. He was an assassin, dammit, and no matter how much he wanted to he would not listen to "More than words" by Extreme, or "Right here waiting" by Richard Marx. (7)

Nagi knocked on the door and popped his head in "is everything okay, Aya-san?" He asked hoping upon hope that it wouldn't see him killed. "I was kinda hoping for a copy of that CD."

Aya flicked it down with the remote so instead of it being ear drum bursting it was just rather loud. "Naoe," Aya said, Crawford only called him that when Nagi was in need of reassurance, and Omi when they were intimate, it sounded odd coming from Aya. "He's cheating on me."

Nagi looked at him in shock. Crawford certainly hadn't seen that one coming if he dared to cheat on the beautiful and incredibly deadly Abyssinian, of course Crawford hadn't told him that he was cheating, but at the same time he had been spending all his time at the Koneko and Crawford had been working. "I'm sure he's not, he thinks the world of you." He was almost bent over and he wasn't very confident on his feet.

"I'm sorry, take a seat." Aya said patting the bed. Nagi limped over to the bed.

"I might be in trouble if Crawford finds out that I was in your bed."

Aya smiled a little. "You're his baby, he'd kill me first." His face fell then, "do you really think that he wouldn't cheat on me."

"Aya-san," Nagi said bravely thinking that someone was liable to get killed and he was in the direct cross fire. "Crawford adores you, none of us believe for an instant that you weren't dating, but you're the first person he's been serious about in all the time that I've known him, and I've known him ten years." He offered him a wan smile, "you're good for him he'd have to be an idiot to throw that away."

"Really?" Aya said but his tone suggested he didn't believe him for a moment.

"Really," Nagi answered.

Omi opened the door to the heavily made up young woman that awaited him. "Hi," she said moving her perfectly lipsticked mouth in a perfectly practised pout. Omi blinked at her, not quite sure he should be awake yet but nevertheless was at the door. "I'm Kazumi, I'm looking for Ken."

Omi wondered briefly if he had been sent down to usher the girl away, but she was very attractive, even if she was dressed a little strangely, her hot pink halter top seemed to show more than it hid revealing more midriff than one of Yohji's top and she was wearing a leopard print vinyl mini skirt that barely covered her ass showing off the tops of her stockings. She was wearing a pair of clear plastic platforms with a very large heel and her hair was streaked blonde and pulled into ringlets with shimmering hair grips. "He's upstairs," Omi said, "come on in, I'm sure he's just changing now. I'll get you something to drink while you wait."

"You must be his brother." Kazumi said, licking her waxy lips and leaning down so he got a good look at her rather impressive cleavage, "he didn't tell me he had such a cute brother." She brushed past him leaving a cloud of her perfume that smelt like sunshine and sex, "I'll have a bloody mary if you don't mind." Before he could decide whether or not he did mind she was halfway up the stairs, "were you the brother that was in the accident?" She asked turning back to look at him, "because apart from that cast it's nothing a little foundation wouldn't mask, what colour would you say you were burnished ivory or pale sun blessed?" Omi just blinked at her.

"I'll go get Ken." He answered.

Ken was looking after Yohji who had thrown himself on the bed in a fit of pique and was managing his best to inhale a bottle of vodka. "And you're not going to do anything stupid whilst I go get changed, are you?" he asked.

"Asuka," he sobbed into the pillow.

"For gods sake, Yohji," Ken snarled losing his temper at last, "I'm sure that they'll carry on running X1999, it's just Clamp are busy with something else at the moment."

Yohji looked at him funny. "But," he protested.

"I always preferred Hana to Yume myself, or even Zero Sum, but no, you have to like Asuka, why can't you just try Smile."

"But," Yohji protested.

"There is no point in killing yourself just because they concluded your favourite series." Ken said firmly, "now I am going to get changed, I stink and I'm covered in yellow paint."

Omi said popped his head out from around the door, "there's a girl downstairs," he mumbled in a style most unlike his usual genki manner, one eye was closed, "and I'm going back to bed."

"Tell her to go," Yohji said, lighting a cigarette with one hand, the other holding the beaker he was drinking vodka neat from. "I'm not fit for company."

"She's for Ken," Omi said off handedly.

Yohji warred with the decision to mope or make a comment.

"Omi," Ken protested, "you were supposed to tell her to go away. I just hope Nagi's having better luck than we did."

Curled up in Aya's bed with his arms wrapped tightly about a feather pillow and Aya's quilt tucked in about him. Aya, still angry but faced with a sleeping waif in his bed, swallowed his rage, wrapped an airline blanket about his shoulders against the spring chill of the night, and went to sit on the fire escape to contemplate his relationship with Crawford, the fact that he was being cheated on, and the one that Richard Grayson was offering.

Author's note

(1) There are a few songs Aya uses to his own purpose this is the first one, it was originally "Closer" by the Nine Inch Nails. I wanted them to be songs Nagi would recognise and he has for the most part listened to them all throughout the series.

(2).This is a direct quote from labyrinth, Ludo on being faced with the bog of eternal stench says "smell bad" and it was just so first thing in the morning woken up I had to use it.

(3) Bodies by Drowning Pool

(4) Screamager by Therapy?

(5) this is so not funny if you have to explain it but Asuka is a monthly manga anthology in Japan. I saw it and thought of Yohji.

(6) Light my fire by The Doors

(7) The ultimate double up for dumped people, I swear they must have had this in mind when they were released. Them and country music- the music of pain.